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freaking out
May 11, 2000
1:06 pm
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Cici
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I know. This is weird. I guess I'm just upset and I needed to talk about it. I was raped fall of 1998 on a date. So....that semester my GPA was a whopping 1.65! Ha. That was right before I started doing drugs and going absolutely crazy. My dad was diagnosed with a degenerative spinal disease that fall, so he's wheelchair bound and in a lot of pain. My mom had surgery for a thyroid tumor we all thought was cancerous. I was scared. I stopped going to class, I just slept all day and drank all night.

So. Now I just received word from my college's administrators that because of that dip in my GPA, I might be kicked out of my major. No more psych. This was my dream, to help other people who have been in the same kind of pain. Now, I'm so afraid that it's not going to happen.

I have to appeal to a senate committee on campus. I have to talk to my parents about being raped. I have to talk to each one of my professors from that semester about being raped. The whole thing is looming in front of me. Going over and over and over again through that incident. I'm sick, thinking about it. I just want to run away. I'm so scared right now. But if I don't act quickly, they'll kick me out. I'm already suspended from summer classes until I go talk to the dean. Oh, God. I'm just a wreck right now.

May 11, 2000
1:34 pm
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everblue
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Oh, Cici - it will be ok! I don't post much, but I always read your posts. I can tell you are a really intelligent person from reading them... You will get through this! People are more understanding and sympathetic to things like this than you can imagine. I've been teaching for a couple years now, and in general all professors give a lot of leeway for much lesser problems than what you went through. I know I can't say much that will make you feel better, but just picture yourself a month from now when all this has been taken care of and you're on your way again. You'll be fine. Just remember the sooner you take action and get it over with, the sooner you will feel better. It's taken a lot for you to get where you are now - this won't keep you down. Good luck!

May 11, 2000
9:21 pm
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janes
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Good advice form everblue. Being raped is a horrible horrible experience. Start at the top with the dean and maybe the seriousness of your situation will temper his idea about the whole thing.

But number one...the rape was a horrible thing for you to go through. and that kind of trauma needs to be carried by many not just yourself.
Had you been binging only for no reason maybe you should leave school.

That is not the case.

I was failing once semester and did a whopping autobiography for my psych class. After wards the instructor said..."Why didn't you come to me sooner?"

same here....You love psych...now is the time to take This trauma (as you will eventually deal with others who have trauma) and even tho' the rape will never be a positive experience...don't let the trauma ruin your life.
Write the situation out and when you see him and maybe even the other professors an explantion on paper will help you if you get emotional.

This won't be easy but from all you have written we know you have the strength and fortitude to get through this and be stronger because of it.

Good luck sweetie...I'll keep you in my prayers.

May 12, 2000
12:59 am
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vositor
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Oh, Cici, honey, I'm so sorry to hear your trouble.

You don't get kicked out of your major permanently. You're in a doctoral program, aren't you? Even if they decide you need a harsh lesson, and you have to work for a year before you reapply there or elsewhere, your future in psychology isn't shot by any means.

Are you really going to play the sympathy card?

Or are you going to march in with your head up: this is what I did, it wasn't scholarly, but I expect to do whatever it takes to get reinstated. (You're going to pay somehow, Cici, have no doubt; but cherish the lesson because once you've been through the fire you never forget.)

Good luck.

May 12, 2000
3:29 am
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hazza
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HI Cici,
I am so sorry that this crap is coming back to haunt you.

It is nt playing the sympathy card to explaint the reasons behind your dip.

You do need to be assertive yes, but you do need to let the dean at least know what happened. it is an explanation and it is, whether we like it or not, a valid reason behind your dip in grades.

Do as janes suggested, write it all in a letter, explain all the circumstances that befell you, but also write of how you got help, you focused and how you are one of the most dedicated students there and that you are not prepared to lose out because of this.

It will help you to have it written down, so that if you do get upset or your mind goes blank you have it all there with you.

do it as soon as possible, phone the dean at home if you need to.
Maybe ask your councellor to write a letter on your behalf.

But DO DO DO, don't let the fear scare you out of doing what you need to get through this challange.

You have achieved so much since we first met my friend, you have done more that this before, but you are feeling nervous and you need to remember that this will not be a problem for you.

I dont understand your system of education so a lot of the details mean diddley squat to me. But I know that you are articulate enough to sort this out.

The only prolem you have are the emotional behind re living all the trauma. I can't help you on that one, no one can - you know all the theory behind these things, but in practice it is hard,but not impossible.

Just go in there prepared to have to go through that pain in ordder to get to where you want.
Tell the dean that you have really turned your life around, show him your latest grades - I bet they are good and ask him, if this happened to his daughter, would he expect her to give up her dreams or would he tell her to work hard and get back on track and realise her ambitions.

But if people don't know the background it is far to easy for them to assume that there are no reasons for the grades falling. Why should you be cast in the same group as people who are lazy or immature? you are not. The are reasons behind it all and before anyone makes a decision on you they need to know those reasons, that is not sympathy it is commonsense.

When someone is on trial they state their defence - the reasons behind the circumstances. his is what you are having to do.

To me it sounds grossly unfair, but it is the case, so go in there and suceed, it is one more hurdle but not impossible.

I am assuming that your dean knwe nothing about your problems before? sometimes t is a good idea when we go through bad stuff to tell people like the teachers and bosses at the time, so that they are aware.

Last year, when i was working, i was having problems in the flat where we lived. The neighbours downstairs had a hate campain about us and the pressure got too much. I had to explain all this to my boss and had to face the humiliation of telling her that My BF was at near breaking point becuase her heard them making comments about me but couldn't do anything in case they took it out on me. It was so hard to explain to herhow basicaly I was in a state becuase My boyfriend was having a breakdown. But i had to because otherwise the pressure of trying to put on a brave face would be too much.

I was so sure they would all be annoyed at work because I was tired all the time, But they were not. Once they understood they gave me some time off to move house,and helped me by taking the pressure off a little.

The is no milage in being a martyr. You can't demand alowances through sympathy too much, but you can't go on and keep it all to yourself either. Find the balance so that they understand and give you the chance to make good, after all that is all you want, the chance to work hard. YOu are not asking them to re write your grades, just let you continue.

They would be mad not to give your that chance, and if they don't then tell me and I will go kick their butt for you, cos it makes me aso angry that you need to go and do all this stuff!

But seeing as you have to do it, then go in head held high and do it. get it over with so that you can look forward to your next challenge towards the important thing - YOU BEING A DOCTOR. that is your focus and don't let the anxiety cloud that. okay?
Huge hugs to you cici, but don't bottle up the anxiety, talk to your counceelor, talk to us, but you will be okay, it is a challenge, but the goal is still there and very much worth it.
HUGS X 100
Hazza

May 12, 2000
9:34 am
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Cici
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Thanks for all the support! It's a huge comfort to know that there are people out there who are caring and thoughful of others. You guys are great. I'm better today. I think it was just that I sat down and wrote a letter to the senate committee, like everyone said. It made me re-live the whole incident and that time in my life. I was upset and crying a lot yesterday, but after a while I calmed down and became a little philosophical about the whole issue.

I firmly believe that things happen for a reason, if not fate then God's plan. Going through hard times only makes youa stronger person, more confident that you can get through tougher times.

I called an academic advisor who said he would ask the dean for a celmency semester so I can bring up my GPA by doing extra work. Most of my friends think this will probably be the case since I'm so close to getting my Bachelor's...only about 3 semesters away. So I can only hope. I'll know either by the end of the day or by (ug) monday.

May 12, 2000
12:33 pm
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vositor
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Hi Hazza,

Explaining circumstances and playing for sympathy are too different things. (Remember me? The one who used to fall for anything? Who's a brand new expert on the differences?) 🙂

I just think it's wise to focus on the undesirable performance and the ways the performance will improve. (a 1.6 semester in undergraduate school is not unusual).

I thought Cici was a few hours short of a PhD. That's what I was referring to when I said she'd have to pay.

Sorry, Cici. I hope you have a peaceful weekend.

May 14, 2000
9:16 am
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janes
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Well I think we do end up paying for poor performance even when there is a really good reason for it. I had several different poor performance semesters and I always ended up retaking classes, feeling bad about a low grae point and doubting my intelligence. The things I was doing weren't all that "bad" (no murder or jewl heists) and I did "grow" alot but it still took me extra time to get through colllege. Plus my self esteem was lower than it should have been.

I agree with you vositor that we have to "pay" for our flubs..and sometimes it is not even our fault.

Such is life though.

Hey, Happy Mother's Day Everyone..I actually had all five kid home at the same time!! It was good too.

May 14, 2000
11:26 am
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Spirit
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One of the lessons I have learned is no matter what has happened to me, either by accident of by the intent of another, I must be responsible for what I do there after. We can only "blame" our behavior on an event for so long, then we are forced to face the consequences of our actions. When dealing with a person who has been a victim of a crime against their person, one must know when to stop coddeling and when to set them back on their own two feet. If a broken bone is left in a cast long after the bone has healed, what happens? If muscles are injured and left unused afterward, what happens? If a person is victimized and left to wallow in the past experience, what happens?

May 14, 2000
12:32 pm
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violetrose
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I didn't make it back as violet, so I'm violet rose.

Well spoken, Spirit. Although this thread isn't mine, the wisdom applies.

Happy Mother's Day.

May 15, 2000
3:31 am
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hazza
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HI all
vositor, I am sorry If I misunderstood you, I think we are saying the same thing really anyway!

unfortunately, we do end up "paying" if that is the right word. Or maybe, each event in our lives affects other events and we cannot isolate anything and stop it having a domino effect. All we can do an you say is explain and then focus on the future.

it is very strange reading your messages, we had mothers day a couple of months ago over here, so I got all worried thinking I had forgotten and then realised that to us it has already been and gone this year. And yes I did get her something! I made her a stained glass suncatcher for the kitchen window, and very good it is too even if I do say so myself!:)

Peace
Hazza

May 15, 2000
6:44 am
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janes
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Hazza you must say so yourself! I find myself...when I have done a particularly good job of something. pooh-pooohing it.."Oh it was nothing" A subtle way to ....not really put ourselves down" ...but to not "see" the great things we can do, and actually do all the time.

I think it's one of the little ways we are drawn into the codep trap.

I am glad to hear that you admired your own work!!! It must be splendid!!

May 15, 2000
7:13 am
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hazza
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Well Janes,
I think it is time you started congratulating yourself for your many skills, don't you?

I have swung such the other way now, I really don't beat myself up for my faults anymore, and try to praise myself for my skills. This gives me a better outlook on myself and that makes me stronger to concetrate on working on my weaknesses rather than allowing them to depress me.

We are all told from an early age to never boast and be modest, but we end up taking it to the extreme and never truly appreciate ourselves, as you say.
I think modesty is when you don't go around bragging and making others feel bad, it is fine to know in your heart what you are good at and not feel guilty for it.
After all, we all always think and talk about our weaknesses, why not our strengths?
Peace
Hazza

May 15, 2000
9:18 am
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Cici
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The thing about my university is that we don't have a forgiveness policy. So, after we take a class and get a grade, we can never re-take that class for a new grade. Unless it's required for your major. Then, they average your grades. Since the one semester I ws raped, I dropped out of school, then went back adn have made ok grades...no more failing, just A', B's and C's. But that one semester, since I can't re-take classes, will haunt me forever.

I called teh dean, who granted me a clemency semester so I have to make A's in two classes I'm taking this summer, which won't be a big deal. I just wante dthe chance, he gave it to me.

I agree that we have to pay for our mistakes, but sometimes you need to be kicked in the pants to wake up, not kicked in the pants right out of the playing field!

May 15, 2000
9:57 am
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hazza
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hey Cici,
I am glad you have a chance to recover your grades.
The whole system sounds very harsh to me, but that is a bit like life I guess.
Just remember they were penalising you for your lack of grades at that time, not punishing you again for the traumas you suffered, even though it may seem that way.
At the end of the day, the grades are jst a part of the process to getting to where you want. They will not alone determine how good a doctor you will be, that you will prove once you are qualified, and I bet you will be a great one, it is just the steps to take you there.
Best of luck with the summer studying!
Hazza

May 15, 2000
11:59 pm
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vositor
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Glad to hear you got your second (or third) chance, Cici. What a relief!

Memory of that horrible semester will be with you forever, but you seem to be headed in the direction of taking away its power.

May 16, 2000
7:18 am
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Spirit
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Cici: Way to go girl! You stood up for yourself and succeeded. What a great lesson to pass on to another, when the time is presented to you. Grades are just a measuring tool for a class, not for who you are. They may haunt your transcripts; however, anyone who looks at the transcript will see how much you wanted to accomplish what you started. Keep up the spirit. People can hurt our bodies, but it is up to us to decide how much we allow of that hurt to hurt our spiritself. Fill yourself with peace, and crack those books. We'ra all pulling for you!

May 16, 2000
9:12 pm
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janes
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Have never hired a teacher based on grade point. Even on GPA. Some of the best teachers are the ones who understand struggle. Especially when asked to work with kids who are struggling in some way.

God has granted you a way to make gold out of straw.

He didn't want you to be raped but has given yo an opportunity to understand that light comes after darkness and joy after adversity.

Now go kick butt on those grades!!!!

( I wouldn't want a staright A therapist...I am not a "staight A person")

May 17, 2000
10:02 am
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Cici
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Woah, man. Talk about supportive!

Thank you all so much. I didn't feel comfortable talking about ths with anyone else, just because it's a very sensitive issue. Thanks for being so supportive, dang it!

BIG HUGS!!!

May 23, 2000
9:08 am
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Cici
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I wonder what's happening. I'm pretty depressed today, I think that my fiance is becoming abusive. I'm scared.

Well, here's the thing. We've been together almost a year now, and although he's usually pretty quiet and passive when it comes to arguments, the last few times we've argued, he's become violent. Not to me, but he's started punching walls. Last weekend, we argued. I don't remember about what, it was stupid. But there was yelling and then he got up and said he was leaving me for good and I went berserk and started screaming "Get out of my house, I hate you" and hitting him in the chest and shoving him. He shoved me against the wall, then he ripped a picture off the wall and smashed it into little bits in front of me, then threw a laundry basket across the room. I was so scared, I locked myself in my room and he kept trying to shove the door open while he was crying and saying "I love you" over and over again. After a while, I felt sorry for him so I opened the door and held him and he just kept saying it and saing "I'm sorry."

I've been in two abusive relationships before and that's how it always was. They would scream at me and slap me and then cry about it and say "I'm sorry." And I would forgive them, I guess because I was scared to be alone.

But this man helped me get over my drug addiction and he's been so supportive of me and my family loves him. But I don't know. When he was crying, i felt nothing for him, but that's not uusual because I always withdraw when I get really upset. All his behavior just reminded me of past abusive relationships. I love him, but I'm afraid that I'm just codependent and I feel like I need him.

It hurts so much. I'm so disappointed in myself and in him. I thought I was doing good, that everything was balanced.

I feel stupid, though, because he asked for another chance and I said ok, but we have tos et some ground rules. Where to begin, right? And am I stupid to let this go? Did I reinforce his abuive behavior by hugging him when he was crying?

May 24, 2000
3:55 am
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hazza
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Hi Cici,
I posted a huge reply to you yesterday, but it vanished somewhere!

You know yourself about the co-dep cycles and so on.

If you soothe this man when he has these rages then he will come to see it as a way of getting love and attention - maybe, i know you guys are pretty hot on discussing things, so I won't worry too much!

But it can happen that you fall into this cycle, as i did.

the only way i broke that cycle of the B/F feeling he could rage at me. Was to not tolerate it. Howver much i feel for him now, if he is losing control of his temper then i calmly leave the room and tell him it is not acceptable and i will talk when he is calm. but this is easy for me now becuase we live with my family. I am not alone with him.

When i was living in a flat with him, just the 2 of us. I found that for the first time in my life, i had to give in to someone elses opinions becuase their anger frightened me. I would do anything to soothe them just becuase i was afraid.
Big mistake - I should have left. But we live and learn and i would not put myself in that position ever again.

This was the problem. Becuase i have no where else to go, I tolerated the anger becuase to fight back only made it worse. Now I have always been the type to fight back - always! it was a huge shock to find myself a few yrs back turning into this docile creature that kept on taking it, becuase that was so not me! but I was messing with a temper that knew no boundaries and to fight became impossible. It happened s slowly cici, that i can honestly say i was surprised. I NEVER though something like that would happen to me, but it did. As i said i should have refused to stand for it. and if that meant leaving them i should have done that. But practically that wasnt possible and so i tried my best to "solve" things.

Don't allow yourself to get int that cycle, it can happen so easily. You must be very clear that dont WANT that type of relationship and you will not stand for it. I don't think that they mean to get into the sysle eaither, after alli bet he is really genuinely sorry, but the pattern can still start even so.

Best of luck anyway. Hopefully it is a one off and you are worried becuase it reminds you of past things. But be very clear with him that it must not become a regular thing.
hugs
Hazza

May 24, 2000
6:52 am
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janes
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You both need therpay..yu are physically abusive too. Victim/Abuser. you can both...be both.

Yes you will cycle til you take care of it.

However you are one of the people who seems to be able to see clearly.

If you truly Care (when you aren't angry) seek help together so when you go on..toghether or separetly you are both healthy

Good luck

May 24, 2000
9:35 am
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Cici
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Thanks, you guys. We decided to go into couples therapy for the next year. The church that we want to get married in (Unitarian Universalists) has a program for engaged couples where we go through counseling with the pastor for about 9 months before we can get married. So I said, let's go for it now and he agreed, since we both have problems with anger expression.

Thanks for listening. Sometimes you just have to write everything out and look at it before you can see things clearly.

May 24, 2000
7:47 pm
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janes
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go girl!!!!

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