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four long years
February 15, 2006
5:47 pm
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BegginMeg
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I have been in a mental and sometimes physically abusive relationship for four years. I am so codependent that I have moved in and out with him countless times. I've lost all of my friends and familys trust because one day I hate him and the next day we're together and I'm gone again. He's been an addict for 12 years and now I know his problems have become my addiction. I can't help crying every time I think about being without him and can't ever see a future on my own.I am sick and tired of being used and abused when I've given every inch away to a compulsive liar.I do know I deserve so much better and I look forward to the day all of my depression and anxietys are gone. I've done this all to myself and am just wondering if anyone knows what my first step to being serious about leaving him is and how do I stay strong without running back into the arms of this person who has nothing to give back in return but hurt and pain.

February 15, 2006
6:00 pm
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mj
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Do You Love Yourself?

February 15, 2006
6:05 pm
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Cjazz
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BegginMeg, you should ask yourself, in one year from now where will you be if you stay with him? Where will you be if you leave?
I was in a relationship for about 6 years and I was addicted to alcohol and pot. The relationship was full of problems but I loved the woman as best I knew how. The fact was, I didn't know how to love her the way she needed me to. And she didn't know how to love me the way I needed her to. She left me mentally months ago and in Dec got involved with another man. It took the act of her getting involved to get me to really look at myself. Here it is 3 months later and I have cleaned up my act.
I stopped all my addictions, got back into shape, I'm seeing a counselor and I am taking the steps I need to take care of myself. She wants to be friends but I can not do that now until I get healthy.
The reason I am telling you this stuff is so maybe you won't hang out with this guy hoping he will change. He has to change himself, nothing you do or say will change him. You have to detach from him. Detach in love and you will learn more about yourself than you ever thought about.
Let go of your fears and take care of YOU. He is going to do what he does whether you are with him or not.
Read the thread in here titled "What Addicts Do". It's very interesting. I was addicted to alcohol and pot, nothing like crack or heroin. BUT, I was to the point where it affected my relationship so I know it was time to clean up and get away from it for good. I feel so much better about myself. I had enough comassion for myself to do this for me. Whether or not he will do it if you leave is yet to be known. I can tell you that when my girlfriend left it woke me up. I realized what all that cost me and I knew I was tired of living that way.
So, I suggest that you get out of the situation and get counseling, take steps to help you with all of it. This site is a good step. See, you;ve all ready started the process of helping yourself<:-)

February 15, 2006
10:21 pm
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BegginMeg
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Thank you Cjazz for that thoughtful insight. The last thing I expected was to here from someone who was once on the using side of a relationship. I believe in everything you said. It's great to know that someone is out there taking time to show their perspective and be truly honest. That is very admirable of you. As to the question, "Do you love youself?". I'm just beginning to realize that I can't love anyone until I have respect enough to stay away from am addictive relationship. I know that I love the person he was after 4 months of rehab. He came back with a brand new perspective and total physical and mental health. It was like falling in love with the best man in the world. (In all aspects.) It's so easy to relapse if you're an addict. It has been a relapse for me each time I run back to him. It will be a long time until I get back to me. Then I can be sure to never fall back into that position and if I start to I'll know all of the signs. Living with an addict is a way of life. That persons every move becomes your constant worry while feeling guilty of distrust. This has not been what I thought it would be at all. I have no contol of anything but me. Oh how hard that is to say. Thanks all 🙂

February 15, 2006
11:03 pm
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trc7802
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hey sound's like we've been married to the same man. i've been married to my husband for almost 7 year's but just lately found out that he love's the drug's more and can not love me the way i should be love.i know it's a hard road but at the end of it you'll find your self and be a better person for it. i wish i could tell how to move on but i myself am in the same boat as you right now. just wanted to say your not alone and there are other's out there that know how you feel.

February 16, 2006
12:02 pm
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mj
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I am so glad to hear the hope in your response. As long as you have hope then all problems can be solved.

You can learn self love again or for the first time. I have been reading a book about picking partners that match of emotional healthiness. That was mind boggling at first. My husband drinks. His drinking is sporadic and none of my business. My business is taking care of myself the best way I can. When I love me, I can see more clearly that I am a valuable person with boundaries.

Have you ever considered a support group? I attend Coda. It helps to know that others struggle with problems and that there is hope for recovery of oneself.

February 16, 2006
12:39 pm
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heartbeat
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Sounds like a few of us are married to the same man. I have been married for 14 years and for the last four my husband has been drinking again. We have been separated 2 times during this time and I also keep letting him back in my life. I know better, but cannot seem to completely let go or get results from expressing what I know I deserve in this relationship. The only option always seems to get out - and that is very drastic, but maybe after all this time necessary.

February 16, 2006
1:18 pm
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BegginMeg
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I am sooo glad to have stumbled onto this site. What a relief to have normal communication with people that understand your situation. I'm very interested in joining a support group but there's always that fear of walking into one alone. (Especially when you know you're not.) I've been contacting old friends and I refuse to talk about my relationship. People that haven't been there before never seem to comprehend that all of these things act as a disease. Codependency in my eyes is something most people see as over-analyzing or wanting to control the other person and all aspects of life just because you can. That I find is not true at all. We all long for support, a sense of importance, love and the basic necessities of life. It seems so natural to want to fix things when they're broken. You cannot fix a broken person. The decisions they make should never become your every worry. I am so guilty of wearing my heart on my sleeve and believing that love can conquor all. Love for another person has always been the main reason for me not being able to turn my back on them. Being in love and loving a person for who they are as if they were your sibling sometimes gets confused once you're in a serious relationship. I believe that that's when we lose ourselves and start these bad habits of dependency. Accepting our signifigant others and the choices they make allows us to get tangled into a web of lies, guilt,and enablement. No matter what kind of love you have for another person you always want them to have the best and to be happy. Sometimes the other person just does not have the same ability to get past their selfishness ( if that's what you want to call it ) and do the same for you. It is so hard to accept that, even though you know they love you too. We start to forget who we are and what we stand for. We constantly need that person and feel that they need us even more. I am so guilty of enablement. I'm also quick to forgive and forget. ( Even when I swore I'd never let it happen again. ) I believe that God puts us through these trials so we can truly see what's really important. I feel as though a new door has opened for me every day. I have my spirituality to thank for that. I also have all of you to thank for helping me through this journey. Words cannot express how much this site has come to mean to me in just 2 days. I feel refreshed and energized and ready for whatever the next step may be. Thank you all and much love and blessings. Meg

February 16, 2006
1:34 pm
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heartbeat
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Meg - I'm glad you have your spiritual life to hold on as well. Trying to balance taking care of yourself versus your spiritual beliefs (or what you've been taught) can be very confusing. The "love will conquer all" is great but also seems to need a boundary. Why do we have such a problem believing that we deserve love?

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