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Found out the truth
October 24, 2008
6:52 pm
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katiescarlet
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This is just me working out some things in my head. I recently found out the truth about my marriage. I am in the midst of divorcing him, but it still hurts all the same.

My ex is a recovering alcoholic, but for the majority of our marriage he was active. I discovered that in addition to numerous infidelities with coworkers and women from bars, he was also paying for prostitutes, frequenting "massage parlors", and sleeping with strippers, at times unprotected. Thank goodness I am not paying the price for that.

I discovered as well, that in the 2 months leading up to our wedding, he got another girl pregnant and had to pay for an abortion.

We were married for 14 years and together several more than that. After his sobriety, he confessed to a very few of these things and consistently told me I had to get over it or he would leave me. I finaly kicked him out when he threatened me physically in front of our kids.

I am in a state of shock at just how bad it was without me ever realizing the extent. I am angry at him and at myself. I am so afraid that I will never be able to heal. I feel robbed of half of my life. We have three children together and I will have him in my life for years to come. I want to keep things amicable for their sake, but I want to throw up when I see him.

He is a classic narcissist and I am finding it to be so difficult to end the cycle with him. Why do I still feel guilty when I tell him I cannot be his friend?

October 24, 2008
7:43 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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OH HOney I am so sorry. It hurts like hell when we find out the men we loved weren't the men we loved. Time will help...I know that isn't what you want to hear right now. People told me the same thing but I hurt so much I didn't ever think I wouldn't hurt but it's getting better day by day. Hang in there and we are all here for you. Just keep posting. There are some excellent people here who will give you excellent advice like they did me.

Bitsy

October 24, 2008
7:55 pm
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MsGuided
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You have normal emotions for an "abnormal" person.
Did you work outside the home while this all went on?
Sometimes being too busy, and going through the motions of being a provider and mother don't leave much room to see the realities of our mates behaviour.

N's love this and use it to their advantage.

He betrayed you on so many levels, and abused you emotionally.

He deserves nothing from you now but amicable relations that involve the children.

It's hard, painfull, and you will go through all the self doubt, internalized anger ( why did i choose this person, what is wrong with me, etc.) and may get depressed.

Try to surround yourself with positive, supportive people, seek therapy, possibly AA for spouses of Alcoholics, focus on what makes you happy ( kids, hobbies, friends, whatever builds you up) take care of your health: eating and exercise.Focus on re-balancing.and most of all, give yourself a break !

You at least stood your ground, and decided to end this instead of continue. That shows great bravery, and self esteem.

I hope you have good counsel ( lawyer) and try not to engage directly with the STBX during this time. Let the legal system, and your representative be a buffer, possibly get a mediator to deal with passing off the kids for visitation.

The kids don't need to see anymore drama between you two. Take the high road and disengage.

It may get ugly even more than it is now.
All the best to you in this difficult time. ;0)

October 25, 2008
4:19 pm
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soofoo
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Hi Katie,
I don't know why you feel guilty, but I know you don't owe him your friendship. During a divorce all sorts of feelings creep up. It's okay to feel them and go on with your life anyway.

About feeling robbed of half your life, I can relate to these feelings. But you still had a life when you were with him. He was not your life. Despite his mistreatment of you, you learned, grew, and you even got three fantastic kids. For whatever reason, you had to go through what you did to get to where you are today. And now, many doors will open for you. They were shut before, but now they are open. You will see exactly where he blocked your light, because the shadow will walk away. And you will find out also, where you were actually causing and contributing to problems that you thought were all him. (When this happens, don't be hard on yourself. Nobody's perfect and don't let it make you get all soft on him.) Many problems will disappear, and those that don't-- you are now free to work on without him in your way, causing you confusion.

I never knew how much housework my husband did until he left me. I also never knew how much the cruel and nasty things he said and did on a daily basis were dragging me down and making me sick.

Maybe you feel guilty because that's the way you are. Some people feel guilt when they have stress. Or maybe it's just a habit. He feels bad, so you feel guilty. That's one of the ways people control each other, whether they are narcissists and addicts or not. It doesn't mean you have to do anything differently.

Congratulations on your new life! The beginnings of things are often rocky and unsteady, but it's well worth it.

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