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found husband with adult material
November 11, 2005
1:07 pm
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joy2me
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ive been wheeling this whole finding in my mind over the last day. did call him at work and confronted him which i know was not too respectful but i was 'reacting' which i quite commonly do. the thing is, i am not even that against adult material and we have watched together in the past. but for some reason, i suppose with me feeling down these past few days and adjusting to our new marriage, i start to think the worst. that he is unattracted to me, that i cannot compare to what he wants, that im simply not good enough. it brings up so many deep down feelings of unworthiness and i HATE that i could let someone so easily dictate how i feel. its ongoing behavioural patterns i developed with the ex-addict in my life and that was years ago. i hate being out of control and the thing i want to do most is push my husband away, like i feel i will lose him anyway, so why not go ahead and do this first? im either extreme like or so codependant making sure he is happy and has his needs met. he doesnt even ask that of me, ITS ME with this stress going on. i do have a doctor's appt on monday and with a new counsellor next tues. i guess i am reaching an all recent low which at least can grasp me some well needed help.

joy

November 11, 2005
1:17 pm
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Anonymous
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I found peace, love, support, understanding and resolution in a coda meeting...www.coda.org for link to meetings in your area.

Also, reading women who love too much by nora roberts and codependent no more by melody beattie.

Coming here and getting information, feedback, advice and support is always a blessing.

I think you realize you have a problem - now it's time to work on what to do with it and how to get over it.

Adults have a variety of different tolerance levels for porn. And I know that I am not threatened by porn and even enjoy some of it. But like anything - there is healthy interest and unhealthy interest. First focus on you and healing you - and then see how you feel about your husband's interest - it may change. And maybe it won't...but after some therapy and meetings, you may know how to handle the discussion better - or know what you will and won't tolerate.

November 11, 2005
1:37 pm
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gofigure
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Joy,
I understand how you are feeling. I have gone many rounds with my H over this very same thing for the past 8 years (ever since we got our first computer---imagine that!!). I've cried, I've explained, I've tried to replace those images with myself and he's promised. All to no avail. The red flag I ignored was the trunk-full (literally) of magazines and videos I found (and passed along to one of his friends--shame on me!!) before we were married, saying well, he doesn't need these anymore! ha,ha ha ha...joke's on me!! He is just more sneaky about it now. He thought my feelings were (are?) ridiculous, just pretty much discounted them. Then I've ended up wondering if maybe I am in fact ridiculous, and feeling guilty for "making" HIM feel bad. I can only tell you of my experience that in my life it hasn't gone away, only become more covert. He's gotten very good at hiding things and then gets defensive if I mention anything about it.

Mostly I want to tell you that it's NOT ABOUT YOU. In my opinion it has everything to do with him and his insecurities about himself and this may very well be his drug of choice. It's a way to make himself feel better (if only fleetingly) about himself. He probably separates you and the porn in his mind, unless you agree to some of the fantasies this sh^t puts in his head. And even then you and it are not one and the same. It is SOOOO hard to believe that, I know. For me, it cut into my very soul, feeling that if only I was good enough, sexy enough, giving enough etc etc, this wouldn't be in my life. But it DOESN'T MATTER. He just kept looking for more and more and "worse" stuff, because what worked before to get him "high" wasn't strong enough anymore.

Do an internet search for sex addiction--you can find some good information and at one point I found a terrific message board dedicated to this addiciton.

I wish you the best and try your best to remember that it's not about you and anything you may be "lacking".

~go

November 11, 2005
2:14 pm
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((((((joy))))))))

Aah yes, the hidden porn.

I have found magazines behind the boiler, under car seats, on top of cupboards, in his briefcase...

I know how much of a sickening shock to your syatem you get when you find it unexpectedly, even after he has seen how distressed it makes you..

And each time my husband denied that they were his, and accused me for being a 'nut' to think he would be interested in 'stuff like that'.

Men and porn!

Women who enjoy porn are so much more honest about it, and don't feel the need to hide it. But men just can't be honest about it. At least that's my experience.

DO NOT let his addiction to 'images' make you feel any less of a beautiful vibrant sexy woman..

~charlie~X

November 11, 2005
3:25 pm
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Mishy2sons
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Hi Joy,
First let me say that I am sorry that you have been hurt and that your husband does not seem to understand or respect your feelings on this issue.

Alicat is right. Different people have a variety of tolerance levels when it comes to porn. Some people are strictly against it for religious reasons and others might reasonably use it erotically to enhance sexual relationships or just for self pleasure.

In my humble opinion there is a difference between using porn occasionally and abusing it. Sort of like alcohol.

My first husband was a sex addict. He watched pornographic videos in private, masturbated over magazine photographs, and frequented topless bars, peep shows and glory holes behind my back. We were young people in our twenties then. Yet, we went for periods of 3 months or more at a time without any sexual contact between us because he was getting satisfaction elsewhere.

I felt tremendous pressure to look like his porno queens. My weight dropped to 94 lbs, yet I was still too fat and not sexy enough for him. He bought me sexy lingerie and clothes, but I never looked perfect. I never looked like the girls in his magazines.

As his addiction spiraled out of control, he became a peeping Tom and a flasher. He was genuinely sick! I finally found the strength to leave that marriage.

My current (second) husband looks at Playboy once in a while and it really doesn't bother me at all (even with my history!). His use of porn is nothing like my first husband's. My husband is not addicted to it. (Unfortunately, he is addicted to alcohol instead but that is another story.)

My unsolicited advise is that you look at your husband's use of porn. Is it just the typical male thing? (Almost all men will look occasionally.) Or is he obsessed with porn, hurting himself and your relationship by getting his sexual satisfaction there instead of from sharing his body with you?

If you decide that he is just a "casual user" and not an abuser, then you must decide how much you can tolerate. If you have zero tolerance, then as your spouse, he should try to respect your wishes and feelings. Just know that most men are going to gawk at pictures of naked women every now and then and it really doesn't have anything to do with their desire or lack of desire for us(their wives or significant others).
Peace,
Mishy

November 11, 2005
7:30 pm
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joy2me
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thank you everyone for your response. its is purely just my insecurities as i have struggled since a teenager with my body image (i am now 33) my husband is a wonderful sensitive soul and his use is not extreme at all. he has looked maybe twice during the 3 months we have lived here. i am the one who snoops constantly through his belongings, the computer, his clothes. he has never given me any reason to doubt him nor i could find a better man. it is my past with the addict that attributed to my behaviours of mistrust, plus my overall lack of self esteem. i know instead of my husband truly leaving me as i fear, it could very well be my fears that do so. i am re-reading melody beattie and have a counsellor appt in about 2 weeks. being here helps, and today was a good day where i did some shopping for myself and felt i deserved it. peace, joy

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