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Found cheating husband's girlfriend.
April 15, 2004
9:38 am
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why me 32
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I can't believe this. You guys have got to hear about this one. I decided a few weeks ago that I would go to my church-sponsored divorce care class which started last night. While I was talking to the group about what brought about my divorce, I mentioned my husband's name and that I suspected he was cheating, even though I did not have proof, and that I just had to let him go at that point.

Here's where it gets interesting. One of the ladies in the group walked up to me and told me that one of the girls she works with is the girl my husband has been cheating with. It's been going on since last year around October. She said he told the girl that he had left me because I was so crazy, and that my mother had custody of our children, but that he was fighting to get them back. What a load of BS. I'm here every day trying to get myself and our kids through this painful time in our lives.

Now, tell me there's no God. I believe He led me to that class so that my eyes would be opened. There are no doubts anymore. I actually had the thought in my mind that maybe he really wasn't cheating, and that maybe I pushed him away with my distrust. Shoot, I didn't even start suspecting until February sometime. This girl has kids too, and I can just see him taking her and the kids all over the place, while our kids sit here waiting to have their first weekend with him. He's supposed to take them every other weekend, but he's had an excuse every time. We broke up in mid-February, and he hasn't taken them yet.

This qualifies as an epiphany.

Just wanted to vent guys.

April 15, 2004
10:30 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Why Me,

Some time ago someone wrote about trying to get over a married man. I wrote my opinion, and others had other opinions - for various reasons.

Mine - was because I described my Dad.

I love my Dad, don't get me wrong, actually he is not a bad Father in that for all of his cheatin' ways, he did take care of his kids, and has always maintained contact with us. Actually of my two parents, he is the less emotionally cruel.

BUT, what you wrote above is what he told wife #2, about #1, #3 about #2, #4 about #3, and lastly #5 about #4.

Let me see if I can find the post for you.

Infedility is about the one area of marriage where I refuse to be understanding... but because of how I grew up.

Hold your head high... and your children know the truth - just like I did.

Z.

April 15, 2004
10:36 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Why Me,

Here are my prior posts. I hope you find them helpful.

Do yourself a favor - let him go, and move on.

There are other men out there - available men. Let me tell you something, I have found out over the years, first by finding out that I was dating a man who was married (I broke it off immediately), and having friends and acquaintances in the same situation as you - they all use the same excuses, stories and lies.

They are staying together for the sake of the kid, the wife does not understand him, waiting until they have the car paid off, the dog finally dies, the kid finally get's out of kindergarten and graduates. Soon, well, the wife is having another baby, the kids need braces, the new puppy needs house breaking, they are refinancing the house, buying a new car or mini van because after all he cannot leave his wife with three kids and no reliable transportation. No one understands him like you do, but he will be eaten up with guilt if he doesn't get the counseling with his wife, because the poor dear - she will be suicidal if he left, you know... she is "not quite right" and after all you guys deserve a chance to be together, so he wants to make sure she is healthy enough to take care of the four kids they now have. When they finally get moved into the bigger house - bought for the kids of course, and he gets the mortgage paid down a bit... then you can start planning on being together, but not before one last cruise with his wife so he can let her down gently. I mean, the grand-kids are now her life.

Move on with your life - and let the hope go, put it into something else - something you can actually achieve.

Post #2

But... look at it from my perspective - and I'm going to give this as the perspective of the child.

Why? Because my parents messed around on each other all the time, took each other back, did it again and both have become "serial marryers" - hey! new word.

As a kid - it sucked. Big time. And I don't care how much people talk, blah blah blah - guess who gets drug through the middle of it? The kids.

Also, if you don't think there is major resentment from the kids when the spouse leaves for another, and guess who they have to contend with on their visitation? That other person. Oh boy... could I tell you some stories. Matter of fact still going on, and here we are on wife #5 for Dad and we are all just supposed to say "oh, WOW Dad - she is great! We just love her!" It becomes old really fast, and then (at least in my folks case), they try to drag us into the middle of it all. Nice thing about living out of state? I can hang up the phone and be done with it.

Now, not every split is as gruesome as this. My first husband had an affair on his wife, which caused the demise of their marriage. From all accounts, both his and hers - they had, believe it or not a very amicable divorce. BUT, you had better believe, the kids had a really hard time with it at first.

Especially, when after they split up, the woman he had an affair with came to the US and Canada (from the UK) and was with him for about five months or so when he realized it was not what he wanted. Did it affect the kids? You had better believe it.

When I came along, the kids were much more accepting of me, because frankly, it was much later on, and they had adjusted to the fact that Mom and Dad were now divorced. Add to that, both parents did what they could to make it as easy as possible on the kids, and after my experience - you had better believe the kids were put first and foremost before having an emotional outburst in front of them.

So, there you have my version of life. I agree with you that the great thing about this board is we come from all walks of life with different and varied experiences. So - there is mine.

April 15, 2004
10:57 am
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gingerleigh
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I think that the suspecting and not knowing is worse than actually having confirmation. You are working with a known quantity now, and it painful as it is, it's easier to cope. I had suspicions about my ex at the time we were together as well, and when I confronted him on it, he told me that I was crazy, messed up, needed therapy, etc. Turns out he really *was* cheating... with someone who I had considered a good friend of mine. Yes, epiphany is the right word. Try to stay strong, and know that (trite as it sounds) this stuff happens for a reason, part of a plan to get you to a better place, even if you aren't exactly sure of where you fall in it. *hug*

April 15, 2004
11:04 am
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Zinnie
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Lord - how I hope none of you have dated my Dad!

April 15, 2004
11:45 am
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why me 32
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Thanks so much guys. Eyes wide open now. I just want to share a verse given to me in divorce care group last night. I have to believe this, to believe in a Higher Power who is all-knowing and will fight tooth and nail for me and for my family for us to have a better future. Without Him, there would be no reason to go on.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

While I feel like my fresh and very open wounds have had salt and lemon juice poured into them, I know this is for the best and now have the strength to build stronger boundaries, instead of the ones I have had so far that have been constructed of dental floss. He's been stringing me along, and I've been letting him, but no more. I'm nobody's second choice. I refuse to be used anymore.

Zin and Ginger, God bless you guys. If you are of the praying sort, please throw in an extra bit for my kids, and I'll return the favor. You can't have too many people praying for you, you know. If God be for us, who can be against us?

I don't know who uses this every time they close, but I'm going to use it too (hope you don't mind).

Free

April 15, 2004
2:38 pm
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NancyW
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A few years back, I ended a 3 year relationship because of cheating. There were different brands of cigarette butts in his ashtray, in his bedroom. He, of course, claimed he had no idea how they got there. A weird type of stubborn pride welled up inside me that made me think I wanted to prove I was better than her, more worthy to be with him. All I did was continue to have hurt feelings, going to look for the two of them together, etc. Thankfully, I decided he wasn't worth my time, faithfulness, or commitment.

April 15, 2004
2:57 pm
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why me 32
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Yeah, I can't help feeling like she won. She got him. But I suspect that the real winner is me. No, I KNOW I'm the real winner.

free...like a boyd.

April 15, 2004
4:08 pm
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zuzuspetals
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Hey Why Me-
You are the winner!!!!
Now she can sit around and wonder why he is home late, and why there are different cigs in ashtrays, and and and. You no longer are that person.
What goes around comes around. I too will keep you and your kiddos in my prayers as well. That verse you put in your thread is so awesome isn't? So comforting.

April 15, 2004
4:20 pm
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why me 32
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Yeah Zuzu, it is extremely comforting. Hope is a wonderful thing. I see now that every bad point in our marriage has been a chance I've been given to get out. I have a chance at a life now, and my children have a chance at an actual childhood. It's amazing how a narcisist will do everything to get you close to them, only so you're close enough to slap. (Figure of speech, but I sometimes wished that he would slap me instead of curse me..very painful stuff.)

I need to change my nickname from Why Me to Poor Her, as I kinda feel sorry for the chick and her kids. It took me 14 years to choose to get off the roller coaster, and her ride has just begun. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

God bless you all. Zin, I don't know why you go out of your way to comfort us and provide so many words of wisdom, when you are going through some much in your own life, but I'm extremely thankful, as I know others on this board are as well.

Hey, can I go on one of your famous bus rides one of these days? I'm not above inviting myself, and I make some mean baby back ribs on the grill. 🙂

April 16, 2004
7:55 am
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Zinnie
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Why Me,

Look out your window and pack a bag.

Dispatching Peter the purple obsessed monkey on his magic carpet to bring you to the bus, we are pulling out today - so come join us!

Love,

Zinnie

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