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Former Abused child need help
January 9, 2000
4:25 am
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Filmnoir
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Hello all,
After a breaf serious of comptuer problems, I have returned. I am still batling my internal deamions. I had a period of about 4 weeks(I just got out of) I came incredably close to ending my own life. I still don't know what has pulled me back from finishing the "job". I don't know what it is, but I am glad it is done with.

My job continues to be a great soruce of frustration. I have been apliying to other jobs all month, w/ no results. My only hope is for getting a better job.

I need to get some sleep. C U all later.

Film

January 9, 2000
8:03 pm
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christina
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i know this may sound like an odd question, but do you have children?

January 11, 2000
10:42 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Film, I am glad you didn't finish the job...I would like to say that God pulled you back from doing it... and that could be true. But most likely it was you...inside it is just not what you really want to do despite the way you may have felt. The sun always rises the next day...look to the light...and know that there are people that care...like me.

Karin

January 11, 2000
11:34 pm
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jessicapri
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I'm 20 yrs old. My mom had me when she was 17, and my father was 21. My father was not ready to settle down yet and still wanted to party. My mother blamed me for keeping her at home when my father was out late at night. My mom's mom decided to raise me when she realised my mom was not very motherly. My grandparents were the greatest people. They were so loving and caring. They had all the patience in the world. I was very attached, they were my parents. My grandfather started to get sick and while he was in the hospital I stayed some with my parents some and I was the outcast. My mother was verbaly abusive. She would tell me how ugly I was, although I've been in pagents most of my life. I know if was jelousy. My Grandfather died when I was 12 and my Grandmother then moved to Florida. I had to then live with my parents. During the time I lived at my grandparents my parents had another child, who is 3 yrs younger. My father also landed a well paying job, so my brother had everything. I'm still a burdon to this day.

January 12, 2000
9:06 am
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KTHOMAS
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jessicapri,

It does sound like your mother is quite jealous of you. Because I am sure that you are beautiful. Do you still live with your parents? Are you going to school?

My youngest sister was the one I was jealous of...not only did she have more "things" then I the oldest of five, but she got the relationship I always wanted with my father and never really got. He passed away almost six years ago. The older children somehow get the short end of the stick sometimes.

Please feel free to express your feelings here. Talk about what is hurting you...I care.

Karin

January 14, 2000
1:42 am
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jessicapri
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Karin,
Thank You. As soon as my grand father died I got in to relationship after relationship that always ended in disaster. I found any way posible to stay out of my parents house, or not be there alone. Right now my family lives in NY and I live in SC. I'm going to school but its tough. I don't recieve much support from my parents. I worry about how the rest of my life is going to be. I worry that I'm never going to be good enough. When I was in high school I wanted to be a doctor. One day my mom asked me why I didn't just become a nurse. She told me I was just wasteing my time. Although, after high school my brother will be going to school to be a lawyer. My parents just reciently bought him a 2000 Jeep Grand Cherokee and a boat. I struggle to go to school and support myself while my brother gets everything handed to him. I'm not jealous of him because I know inside I'm a much better person than him. I would just like to be equal. I worry about my children not being as loved as his, by their grandparents, and them feeling the way I do everyday. I would like my parents to have some input in my life so I could have some guidence. I've tried talking to my mom. All she does is push me away more. My father is in denial and pretends our family is perfect. Plus he works most of the day then works overtime, or goes "out". I feel lost, or like I don't belong any where.

January 14, 2000
3:16 am
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Filmnoir
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Well, I got so fed up with work today, I walked out. I was being yelled at by my boss. She never gives me any possitive feedback. I was just so tired of being yelled at.

I am so upset that I am in a pointless job. Wirh no way out. I only hope I can get out.

-Very, very stressed

January 14, 2000
3:36 am
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Filmnoir
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I am so close to commiting my self to a mental hospital. (this is no joke)

January 14, 2000
8:34 am
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KTHOMAS
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Film, I can't tell you how many times I wanted to check myself into a mental hospital...just to get some rest from all the crap that was being tossed at me from life. I am sorry about your job...no one should have to work for an abusive employer...I hope you can find other employment maybe...

Hang in there...tomorrow will come...and with it the hope that it will get better...and it will...

January 14, 2000
10:18 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Jessicapri,

Have you tried any type of counseling? You sound like such a sweet person...you only want to please and be loved. Just like all of us. Sometimes our families hurt us much deeper than they realize. Do you have many friends at school?

I wish I had some magic for you to make you feel good about yourself honey...

Please continue to share...I may not have all the answers but I have a good ear for listening...and sometimes that is really all one needs...to be listened to. I am praying for you...

Love, Karin

January 14, 2000
11:37 pm
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jessicapri
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Thank you. I live with some friends in a house off campus. At least I think they are friends. I'm not sure if it's me or them. But it seems like they are no good. One of my roommates is my boyfriend. We've been dating for two yrs. We just got back together after a 2 month break up and things seem like thier getting back to the way they used to be. I feel so alone. I get evaluated for counceling on the 26th, it couldn't come any faster. I need to get in early. Some days I feel so depressed and lonely, I 'm not sure if I 'm going to make it.

January 16, 2000
11:39 am
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KTHOMAS
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Jessicapri,

Hold on sweetie...you will make it...only ten days from today. I am so glad you are going to counceling. Try not to look too deep until then.

Instead...look at the beauty around you...I live in California...so there are still days that the sun is shinning...like today...it shines through the trees and makes the greens of the earth stand out so beautifully...The clouds make funny shapes in the sky...and the wind makes beautiful music blowing though the leaves in the trees. Look around you honey...the earth is a wonderful and beautiful place to live...

And you are not alone...God is with you...

Love, Karin

January 18, 2000
1:15 am
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jessicapri
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Wow! You give great inspiration. Thank You.

January 18, 2000
8:44 am
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KTHOMAS
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Hi jessicapri....

I am thinking and praying for you.

Karin

January 18, 2000
10:01 am
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Brittainy
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Hi I really need some support because I have written a letter to my Father who has abused me all my life. I've not yet sent it as I don't want to upset my stepmother who is lovely and has had enough heartache in her life. I feel it is something I need to do but am wondering if I am just trying to get things over with as my therapist is leaving soon. I'm not sure wheather I am trying to please her. I welcome any replys. thanks

January 18, 2000
10:22 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Brittainy,

Follow your heart...not your fears. You may be feeling the need to tie up loose ends...or it really may be time for the truth to be revealed to all. No matter when it happens...there will be people that will be hurt...(your stepmother) and others that will be freed. The truth is never hidden completly and you may be surprised that your stepmother has had such thoughts cross her mind yet never allowed to surface.

I won't lie to you...this may cause a rift that will take years to repair. But I do know that NOTHING good comes from secrets...and in the bible it states that the truth shall set you free.

I am praying for you...

Love, Karin

January 20, 2000
8:19 am
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KTHOMAS
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Film...

Thinking of you...hope you are okay.

Love, Karin

January 20, 2000
8:57 am
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Brittainy
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Hi Karin thanks for your advice, I really think the time has come to confront my Father. Keep praying for me. Take care

January 20, 2000
10:52 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Brittainy,

I am praying honey. Keep in touch.

Love, Karin

January 21, 2000
3:06 am
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Filmnoir
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Hello all. All I have to say is that I have a small problem with my anger. Tonight I was driving home, when A driver behind me started to tail gate and I slammed On the brakes. He crashed into me. (Un) fortunately I had no damage. Looking back I hope he did not either. I pray that he is ok and safe at home.

January 21, 2000
8:40 am
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KTHOMAS
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I don't think there is a person on this earth that hasn't experienced some kind of "road rage". Be careful though....okay...

I am just happy to hear you are okay and still hanging in there.

Love, Karin

January 21, 2000
9:30 am
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gst
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Hi Filmnoir,

That's one of my biggest pet peeves too. Drives me crazy. If it helps, I'll share what I do.

First, I put the emergency blinkers on to politely remind them they are too close. This usually does the trick about 80% of the time. For the others, turning on the windshield wipers will spray water off over the back of your car and onto their windshied causing them a minor irritation. A little overagressive but it works surprisingly enough. For the other few insistants who would rather put your and their lives in jeoprody - I just move; irritating, shameful, but se la vie on Amerique!

Good luck

January 22, 2000
4:18 am
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Filmnoir
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To Self commit or not to self commit that is the question. I have bee wristling with this question all week. I think by monday I may either commit my self of go on a killing spree.. I am stuck in a position where I have no way out.

A greaat writer said once, "this is the winter of our (my) discontent". I am at an impass. Things seem to be getting worse by the week. I just see no end. I am burnt out from work, stressed byond repair, and on the verge of snapping into a sudden mass murder. The kind you read about in the newspaper. (kills multiable people before killing self). I need divine intervention to help me from going completly crazy.

January 23, 2000
4:55 am
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gst
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It's sad to hear you speak like that. When I was going through the worst of it, I felt similarly - Paxil finally wound up being the answer to much of it. Doesn't your therapist make reccomendations like that?

January 25, 2000
8:30 am
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Brittainy
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I must write to thank you all for your support. I've written a letter to my Father about the abuse I have suffered, and he wants to meet up with me to discuss the situation. I won't be alone as my stepmother will be there to help. It is not easy, but with all your support I know I will get there. Take care everyone.

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