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Former Abused child need help
October 2, 1999
1:34 am
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Filmnoir
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Hello, I am 21 year old. I was able to leave an abuseive home. My parents divorced when I was extremily young. I grew up a latch key kid. My mother drinks. She would come home from the office where she works and drink a case(no kidding) of beer. She could easily down the whole thing in two or three days. She would often time get physicaly abusive. Hitting with anything she could. (ie. High heel shoes, brom sticks, even a baseball bat.) I was mentaly abused, being forbiden to cry or show any anger(result beating). I have been denied the ability to have friends(As if being ADHD is dosen't make it hard enough). While My mother continues her public life as president-and-chief of a nameless humanitarian agency(nameless because I wish to protect the buissness). To this day I have serious bouts with Depression and even sucide. Over the years I have made many attempts. But, I have been slowily attempting to recover. Althogh, I still have occasional times of depression. I have breif flashbacks of the abuse. I try to talk to some one and I get either a stone wall or blank stares. No one seems to understand.
I am seeking people with simalar stories. I need to know there ARE OTHERS out there. Are you?

October 2, 1999
1:53 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Filmnoir...I am so sorry. I have not gone through what you grew up with...and my heart hurts so for you. I know there are others out there for you to talk to here and I hope they respond soon. But I just wanted you to know that there is someone here that really cares about you. When you do have flash backs and suicidal thoughts please use this site to vent. I wish I could hold you and make all your pain go away. My abuse as a child was by strangers...molesters. And I do know how hard it is to keep all the ugliness locked up inside. Are you still in thereapy? Please don't stop...I believe healing is a slow process. And I don't know if you believe or not...but God really was there with you even though it felt as if he left you in hell. He wants to take away the hurts and heal you baby. I've been looking for a church to go to myself this week. They have a lot of support groups for every situation you can imagine. Try one...if it's not for you try another...I know what is like to have people look at you as if you were a monster or something because of all the trauma in our lives...they seemed to live in such a story book life. Mine wasn't...yours wasn't. We are not the monsters...we are the victims and we need love and encouragement not discust. I am going to the book store today to pick up some books recommened to me by someone at this site for my situation. I will look to see what there is for your situation and pass along what I find later. Please hold on...God created you for a most beautiful purpose...and he will reveal all the beauty and goodness he has in store for you. Really he will...right now he wants you to be able to see how special you are just as sees you right now.

You are still such a baby honey...God wants us to come to him as babies...cry to him...he's there...ask him to help you to believe in him...tell him your pain...and never ever give up. You will always have a friend here....me.

October 2, 1999
2:24 pm
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Brittainy
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Hi. I've had 36 years of abuse, everything from sexual, emotional, and physical. I've had all sorts of mental health problems and have tried suicide so many times that I have damaged my insides, but there is hope, I am now having therapy and feel a lot stronger and more of a person. Don't give up, you are a survivor. Take care. Brittainy. Please reply

October 2, 1999
7:42 pm
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searching
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Hi People,

Yes, I have had my overwhelming share of abuse and neglect and it is tough but.......there are people out there who can help.

My suggestion to you and to myself is to get as much positive support as you can. Get a good therapist, find a support group, do whatever it takes to get support. It makes a big, big difference. I now have a couple of resources along with some good friends but I still don't think its enough. I need more. Call whoever you need to get out of feeling suicidal. You don't deserve having to go through that at all.

The older I get the less afraid/ashame whatever I am to ask for help. The more the merrier I figure.

Take care and keep posting.

October 2, 1999
7:59 pm
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Filmnoir
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I have been searching for the an afordable theripist. I am of extremily limeted income. (I am out of work right now as a matter of fact) This is a glimmer of hope. It is comforting to find others ARE out there.
As for faith, I do have Jesus has my presonal loard. I just find his "Plan" (if we can call it that) a bit mystifing. I hold on day by day. I keep a diary of my thoughts through out the day. I pick a song to discribe my mental, emotional, or physical state. I show a static almoast unhuman "happyness". It is a habit. A mask to cover my true feelings. Today, it's Metallica and the song The Unforgiven. If you listen to the words you will know why. "...With time this child draws in. This wipping boy done wrong. Deprived of all his thoughts, the youn g man strougles on..." "What I've felt, What I've known Never shined through what I've shown...."
I was in a therpy group when I was 16. I was hospitalized for a reciant sucide attempt. I had been a cutter & I had taken my entire bottle of medicine. The group was Psyco-drama. (it is physicaly working out problems. Hitting padden surrifaces, mock encounters, ect.) I also , had assertive training and some indivuiial sessions. But, I have not been able to do any futher sessions.
When I was 15 I was admitted into the foster care system. I was bounced around between two homes(I was kind of trouble anger problems and so forth).
Friday, and saterday nights are getting harder for me. I wish I had a group of friends to do things with. I don't even know where to begin. The town I life in has people of age, kids and teens only. I feel cheated by her (mother) for what she did. Even if there was a place to "hang out", I would not be able to blend in. I am the typical bookworm, nerd, geek, or computer freak. I can tell you more about the insides of your computer than you would want to know. However I am unable to relate if you were to mention a "hip" or "cool" thing. I feel isolated, as if I am sitting in a empty room with no doors. Just a high window. I am too short to see out dispite all efforts to jump, climb, and crawl up. I am probably boaring everyone, so I will go now.

-FilmNoir

P.S. (this is a french film term:dirty, gritty)

October 2, 1999
8:17 pm
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KTHOMAS
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No baby you aren't boring me. You say whatever you want to here. Can you get help through social services in your area? I am in Ca. I don't know how it is in any other state. There is so much anger in you baby....I didn't make it to the book store yet darn it...but there is one thing I want you to do. Stop listening to Metallica. Please pick up more peaceful uplifting music. Sarah Mclachlan's Mirrorball is a CD about coming out of the dark side.
Do you live alone...Are there other family members close to you? You are so young...there is so much ahead of you. I take it you do go to a church. Good. I will be praying for you.

October 2, 1999
11:54 pm
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Filmnoir
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Kthomas,

I I don't listen to the so called "dark music". It the music, not words, apeal to me. I only have one cd. I like all sorts of music. It ranges from D. C. Talk to R. Strauss. From The Beatles to P. L. Tchakovsky. From Dier Straights to W. A. Mozart. So, I am well versed in all sorts of music. Some songs apeal to me for differant reasions. I also like original motional Picture soundtracks. Like Dances with wolves, Field of Dreams, Taxi Driver, Out of Africa. I even listen to Classic radio programs. I am a student of all musical forms. Some types express my feeling better. As I sit and type I am listening to a song by Pink Floyd from The Wall. It IS the way I am feeling.

As for my living situation, I live with a misionary. I have been completily Disowned by my mother. I was going off to college last fall. But, by the time spring came I was abandoned. All that I have is what I brought with me to my dorm room. All of the other belongings I collected over 20 years, gone. I am trying to get back to college. I have just aplied for a pell grant. God willing, I should be back in the spring. One year since I left. I reall hope I do.

Monday I am going to a community conciling center. I hope that I don't have to pay a large fee. I can't aford much.

Thanks all for the words of incouragment.

October 3, 1999
2:25 am
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daizy
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Filmnoir...
I spent a long time searching the net last night, looking for information for my husband who grew up in a situation much like yours. I finally came across a web site that helped us both to understand his past abuse and where to go from there. I highly suggest you take a look at it as well. http://www.adultchildren.org/ also take a look at this site http://www.recovery.org.acoa/acoa.html I think you will find this of great help and also to know that your not alone and that there is a way to heal. Maybe you've heard of "Adult Children of Alcoholics"...I never did until last night. I read, cried, read more and cried some more - I was getting a great understanding of what my husband went through and is still going through. I really hope you look the sites over. There is also a Yahoo club called "Adult Children of Alcoholics" where you can post messages to other people who are in your shoes.
Let me know how or if this helps.

October 3, 1999
2:12 pm
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Anonymous
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Dear film:
I understand the use of the name for yourself, you feel "dirty, gritty" because that is the way you were made to feel not the way you ARE.
Abuse from our mother, cuts us to our soul and takes a long time to heal, but healing IS possible or I wouldnt be here today to tell you this.
Not only is healing possible but you can come to a place of great wisdom and purpose my friend.

October 4, 1999
12:37 am
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Filmnoir
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Well, today is ok. My song of the day is The Promise By Michale Nyman. I feel like a rollar coaster today. But, over all things are good. The weather has been rainiy and cold. Rather depressing. It already feels like winter. I supose I don't like winter because it is so bleak. Besides, I entered into foster care during the winter time.

Tommarow I go to the community counciling center. I pray they have some afford able sessions. Wish me luck.

I am in the process of applying for a pel grant to get back to college. At this point, if I go bvack I will need to start all over again. I am not looking forward to this.

I am going to check out the site you listed. I will give it a try.

Goodnight all

FilmNoir

October 4, 1999
8:34 am
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Brittainy
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Hi everyone, it is great to hear I am not alone and that there are so many people out there who want to help. It is slow progress, but keep faith there are people who understand and who want to help. Take care

October 4, 1999
11:09 am
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bel
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Hello Filmnor and All,

I also came from an abusive home abuse in everyway and I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me, thinking I was stupid, thinking that no one would love me. I am now in my 40's and after a long road I am finally accepting myself for who and what I am and knowing I am a good and kind and loving woman. I have memories, I can never forget them but I do have control over my life now and its up to me how I will live it. I still suffer from some form of depression from time to time and am not as secure as I would like to be and at times tend to be overly critical of myself. But overall I can say I made it this far I will make it all the way. I have family that is now supporting me and wonderful friends and someone who I am emailing with that has helped me tremendoulsy.

If I can make it anyone can.............

Bel

October 4, 1999
12:54 pm
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daizy
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Filmnoir,
I wanted to let you know that you could afford to attend a meeting. When you look at the website for the Adult Children of Alcoholics, there you will see a place to search for meetings in your area. Also I was reading that they only ask for donations at the begining of the meeting (whatever you can afford).
It's a start.

October 4, 1999
2:56 pm
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mlh
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Filmnoir, I am 23 and a computer programmer. I was physically abused by my parents until I moved out at nineteen. I know how hard it is to try to go to school and support yourself and deal with the memories. I had nightmares about the abuse almost every night for about a year and a half after I moved out. Gradually, they've almost gone away. I believe yours will too. I want to encourage you not to give up hope in yourself. I know sometimes you just feel ashamed and embarrassed about the abuse - I still do sometimes. It's not something I've shared with many people. Some people out there might not understand what has happened to you and will react negatively - but you need to really rely on yourself and convince yourself deep down that you are a talented person with a bright future. That's what I worked on doing and eventually success followed. I had a high-school counselor who discouraged me from graduating early from high school. He didn't think I could make it because I was in an abusive situation at home. But I did - and I am more proud of that achievement than anything else in my life. I know you can get back to school and do well there if you believe in yourself - once you start to achieve good things, you feel better about yourself and achieve even more. All you have to do is take the first steps - and it sounds like you already did by applying for a grant. By the way, there are incredible opportunities available in the IT field right now. Even if you don't feel like a lucky person, you are because you are talented with computers. Don't forget your talent and intelligence can never be taken away by anyone else - even your mother. You don't have to be like the old man in The Unforgiven, filled with regrets and other people's wishes. Your life is a blank slate and you can write your own story on it.

October 4, 1999
4:17 pm
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daizy
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Something to think about....

-my parents weren't available to me, I can be.
-my parents couldn't admit that I had needs, I can.
-my parents were in denial, I don't have to be.
-my parents couldn't meet my needs, I am learning to.
-my parents couldn't say "I love you" when sober, I can admit my love without being drunk.
-my parents used alcohol to avoid listening to that still, small voice, I can sit still and listen, even when I'm afraid of what I will hear.
-my parents didn't treat me as a real person, I am learning to recognize and admit my own worth.
-my parents used alcohol to avoid change, I can be open to possibilities without panic.
-I was raised in a home of denial, I don't have to live there anymore.
-I have needs, desires, and worth. I will shut off that phony smile or that phony anger that has been used for so long to keep others away. I will open my eyes and my ears to hear the world say "Hello!" I am learning that I can sit quietly and listen and be afraid without losing my sobriety. I am learning to say "I love you." - from Al-Anon ACA

You have the right to"
put yourself first
make mistakes
accept all your feelings as valid
your opinions and convictions
change your mind or behavior
protest unfair treatment
negotiate for change
express yourself
ask for help or emotional support
ignore advice
say "no"
be alone, even if others prefer your company
not take a responsibility for another's problem

It is not your repsonibility to:
give what you can't or don't wish to give
sacrafice your integrity to any cause or person
drain yourself in caring for others
put up with unfair treatment
conform to unreasonable demands
be perfect
follow the crowd
feel guilty for inner desires
bear the burden of another's misbehavior
meekly let life pass you by
be anyone but exactly yourself

- from ACOA

October 4, 1999
4:19 pm
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daizy
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wow, sorry about the sentances running together. I didn't realize that it woulnd't recognize paragraphs when i made new ones. hope you can understand half of it.

October 4, 1999
4:28 pm
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daizy
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more information...characteristics from Alanon and ACOA.

We become isolated and afraid of people and authority figures. We become approval seekers and lost our identity in the process. We are frightened by angry people and any personal critism. We either become alcohlics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This enables us not to look too closely at our faults, ect. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others. We become addicted to excitment. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue". We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (DENIAL). We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low self-esteem. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order to not experiance painful abandonment feelings which we recieved from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us. Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink. Para-alcohlics are reactors rather than actors.

October 4, 1999
4:58 pm
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bel
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Daizy,

What you wrote describes how I used to be and at times still tend to be.

October 4, 1999
6:14 pm
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dreamweaver
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this is filmnoir future wife. I love him very much. I want him to be happy. To go back to school. Hunny, I pray for you every day. I love you very much. I hope you work things out. I Love You babe.

Dreamweaver.

October 4, 1999
6:15 pm
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daizy
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bel,
I didn't write this myself, I copied it for others to read from the above websites (ACOA).
Even if you didn't have alcoholic parents, I still feel that many people would benifit by looking over the site. I did, and my parents weren't alcoholics.

October 4, 1999
7:59 pm
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Anonymous
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i sure can relate..

October 4, 1999
10:01 pm
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Filmnoir
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Hello all. Todays song is The concerto for clarinet and orchestra in A (K.622) from the film Out of Africa. It is so because, I have good news, I went to the conciling center. I was aproved for the sliding scale pay. This has made me very happy. Talking to the theripist made feel good. I got out some things I have been keeping stored up for a long time. I really have had to get out some things. There are some things I don't feel copmfortable talking to me fience about. She will in time know I simply don't kniow oh to say them.

Daizy, I attempted to find the meetings in my area, however there are none. Thanks though for the pointers.

October 4, 1999
10:27 pm
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daizy
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Well shoot! Let me see if I can find an email or something and send it along to you. I know the web site doens't offer much in the means of finding something in your area, but did you try the yellow pages of your phone book. Maybe under AA and start from there. You could always call someone from AA and see if they know anything that would benifit you in your area.

October 4, 1999
10:30 pm
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daizy
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Mind if I ask what area your from? I could help you search for something. email me at [email protected]

October 4, 1999
10:37 pm
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daizy
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Ok, well I did find an email, but the catch to that is if your interested in starting an intergroup yourself. Although it would be something to think about seriously. I'm sure ACOA would help you get a good start on it. This is from their web site "We will be adding more information in the future on how to start an Intergroup. For now, if you are interested in starting an Intergroup, please contact [email protected]

If you did start a group, it really could be a great start to your healing process and also helping others as well.

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