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forget or forgive her
November 17, 1999
2:13 pm
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hoqmd01
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hello all,

I have dated this girl for 3 1/2 years and everything were great. Suddenlty one day, she decided not to be with me. Then for about 7 and 8 months she didn't want anything to do with me. Now she want's to be with me and marry me. We have been talking and palnning on things how to make thing better. She been through so much mess , you wouldn't beleave. Anyway, after what a mess she put me though, I decided to be nice with her. It's been a month, she been very nice. We allready selpt couple of times and it was great. Now i just found out, she was supposed to go to florida to visit her sis. Guess what, she was never there. Her mom told me she's in Europe! Now that's a big lie. I'm not going to explain what she's done to me before. She lies like crazy. I need to know your openion, should I forget her or forgive her...

November 17, 1999
2:43 pm
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collegegirl
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I try to be forgiving and to see the best in people and I generally believe that is the best way.... However, in serious realationships like yours when there is a history of problems, you have to realize that people have certain problematic personality traits that will never change. You have to realize that no matter how long you are together she is not likely to change her behavior patterns. So the question is really whether you can live with this and if the benefits outweigh the problems. If you're sure that they do then talk it over and give her another chance, but if you can't live with this forever and resign yourself to accepting it then its time to move on before she hurts you anymore. Good luck!

November 22, 1999
7:41 pm
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hoqmd01
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just found out from one of her friends, she's been dating someone and moved in with him. she's been playing games. she's been sleeping with two guys at the sames time, how low is that. Man, are all women like that?

November 22, 1999
8:50 pm
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everblue
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hi hoqmd01,

No no no no...not all women are like that! (As one, I can say so for certain). I'm sorry she hurt you. You will find that you are not alone. Anyone who loves has probably been hurt at some time. But here is the problem (for everyone) - if one person hurts us we tend to generalize and expect to get hurt by everyone after that (or by every man, every woman, etc.)... I am probably one of the most cynical people who posts on these boards, but there ARE people out there who are above doing things like sleeping with two people at once. Walk away from her and let this experience make you wiser, but try not to let it make you hateful. You will eventually find someone. Good luck.

November 22, 1999
9:08 pm
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Anonymous
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oh my god, no one deserves to be treated like that, if i were you I would move away and get an unlisted number or a restraining order.

November 23, 1999
8:40 am
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hoqmd01
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I thank you guys very much. She's only 23 years old and I can't imagine what she's going to do in the future. Sleeping around with guys, she could be effected by HIV or get someone else effected. I need someone to help her out but sending her e-mail and give her advice. She won't listen to me or her parents. All she had to say about sleeping with two at once was "sorry". I don't think that resolves problem. We were dating for almost four years, and she pulls something like that.......GOD help her.

November 23, 1999
9:28 am
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lost soul
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sorry to hear that the person whom you love is such kind of girl.
The answer to your threads is "FORGET HER"
GOOD LUCK!!!!

November 23, 1999
12:30 pm
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everblue
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hi again, hoqmd01,

I think it's great that you are still able to care about her. But for your own sake, you need to make a clean break. She doesn't see the problems with what she is doing, and she obviously has a lot of issues that she will eventually have to face. Unfortunately, she won't see this based on someone else's email, phone calls or letters. She will have to come to understand it on her own. My guess would be that she will continue to carry on this way until her actions make her lose someone that she truly cares about, and she is forced to stop being selfish. It feels harsh to walk away, but all you can do is try to salvage your own self-esteem and mental health so that you will be ready when someone who really does care for you comes along. There is a lot of advice out there about letting go, if you feel like you can't do it alone.

-everblue

November 23, 1999
3:33 pm
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BROC
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Your thread brings to mind a question that has haunted me for a loooooooooooong time.

Why do we, as humans, ask questions that obviously have only ONE answer?

Reassurance? Hope? Hope that maybe, just maybe someone will say, "Yeah, give her another chance!"

Why? I believe because it fucking hurts so bad you want to die (metaphoically). I have, and sometimes still do.

Anyway, maybe someone has this answer as to why. Cici? everblu??

And as to your question, FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER FORGET HER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't call, write, page, send via smoke signal or carrier pigeon, NOTHING.

Why? You will never ever ever get her to see what YOU want her to see. She isn't ready, and you will only hurt you more.

Work on you! And when you become right with you, I PROMISE YOU my friend, all else will follow. You will attract more healthy people to hang around, and to date. Until then, remember this.............

If you do what you did, you will get what you got!

Like collegegirl said, people have problematic personality traits that are difficult, (not impossible) to get rid of! You need to hit some therpay, figure out OUT, and all else will improve 1000% percent!

Broc

November 24, 1999
1:06 pm
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everblue
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Hi Broc,

My opinion to your question - some of us ask because we truly can't see that there is only one answer. Most of us ask because we are still at that point where we think the answer to the pain is to put things back to the way they were, even if they were unhealthy. That level of discomfort we have learned to live with, and the change (usually the end of a relationship) is a new, sharper level of pain that we don't know how to handle.

I think it's 1 part denial of the truth and 1 part just wishing someone else will validate our pain and then make it all just go away...

Broc, you have some great advice and I like your no-bull approach. Keep it up!

November 24, 1999
3:20 pm
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nurse
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I'm sorry this girl hurt you but from what i have just read you seem to be a strong person, who is able to cope and i'm sure, that in time the ex girlfiend will realise what a beautiful relationship she missed out on
But don't stop caring about her, yes she does need help
how much do you know about her past? Was she abused?
She may find it hard to say no to the opposite sex if she had a unhappy childhood. Maybe she was acting that way for attention, crying out for help maybe?
Do what you feel is right, listen to your heart. Do write her a letter if you think that is going to do good.
It's your choice. But, in doing so , you may save her life! .......... Forgive x

November 28, 1999
3:37 pm
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BROC
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Everblue,

I put that question out fully realizing the answer. Just wanted to get some other opinions....input.

Cici put it best a few weeks ago. Something to the effect that we don't like to mess with the staus quo. Even if its unhealthy behavior, and the results net us the same crappy outcome, we don't want to rock the boat.

Your answer I think supports this theory....one I think many if not all of us share.

We don't want to believe whats happening is happening. Someone we loved, and trusted SOOOOOOO much turns on us in the blink of an eye. Our world is shattered. I know mine was. I know I shattered my ex's many times too. But she came back over and over and over. She liked being whipped. She loved the "abuse". (Never physical) Why? Because even though it was painful, it was FAMILIAR. It would be FAR MORE painful to be alone and try and find someone new. And even more pain would be piled on top of that if she were to have to stop the cycle, get off the train, and CHANGE.

I think it is one big whipping people are trying, and most succeed, in avoiding.

Its strange though. My ex. wanted me more than anything in this world. She put up with mountains of shit from me. She would have done ANYTHING, and I do mean ANYTHING to be with me, or so I thought.

When I found that change was the answer to our problems. Change in me was needed, as well as her. When I found that that was the answer, I confronted her. And as I have mentioned before, she looked me in the face, and told me "I don't need that shit, you might!" (This was after I told her that we needed counseling, change was needed.....man was I excited to tell her)

But she obvioulsy didn't want any part of it. So, life went on. It hurt, but I am soooooo thankful it happened that way. Had she agreed, who knows. I don't think she had it in her for the long haul. She is into quick fixes, as we all are.

I don't think I would have stuck with it either. Many times I wanted "the old way" to come back. It wasn't as painful. And had she been in my life, I think I would have......NO, I know I would have slipped back and fallen. I would be as sick as ever. Thank you god, and to those who have been with me on these threads since march. Many of you have had words that saved my life.....literally. VRJ, Molly, and some others I can't remember now. What a long way we have come.

So, geez, I am babbling again.

It does work folks. Change works. Many of you can't see it, don't want to see it or maybe even believe it. That will pass. THERAPY! It will show you whats wrong with YOU, which is the ONLY thing that is important right now.

I promise you,

IF YOU FIX YOU, EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE WILL FOLLOW. HEALTHIER FRIENDS TO ASSOCITATE WITH. HELAHTY RELATIONSHIPS.....ALL OF IT. THAT IS THE ONLY WAY YOU WILL EVER BE TURYLY HAPPY.

IF YOU DON'T, QUIT NOW, GO FUCK OFF AND BE THE SAME WAY YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN. DROWN YOURSELF IN ALCOHOL, DRUGS, REALTINSHIPS, WHATEVER YOUR ADDICITION IS. BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T CHANGE, I GURANFUCKINGTEE YOU YOUR LIFE WILL REMAIN FOREVER THE PILE OF SHIT IS IS NOW.

THAT IS MY TWO CENTS FOR TODAY.

BROC

November 29, 1999
1:48 pm
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lost soul
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FORGET HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

December 1, 1999
8:57 am
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hoqmd01
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YES, I'M TRYING MY BEST TO FORGIVE HER. SHE CALLED COUPLE OF TIMES BUT I NEVER RETURNED HER CALL. I DON'T KNOW FROM WHERE DOES SHE GET THE COURAGE TO EVEN CALL ME. SHE CROSSED HER MORAL IF SHE HAD ANY. SLEEPING WITH TWO AT ONCE AND NOT BEING FAITHFUL TO EITHER. GOD BLESS HER!!!

December 6, 1999
8:09 am
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hazza
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move on my friend, move on.
we all evolve at our own rate. Your time is now, her's may come later. Either way travel alone for a while and get to know you.
Take care
Hazza

December 15, 1999
8:43 am
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hoqmd01
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I think I'll forgive her but never forget. This was a great lesson for me in life!

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