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Forget him, how do I fix myself
February 19, 2005
8:50 pm
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alwayslearning
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Okay, this is my first day on this site and I've already read so many threads. How do you people know me enough to be telling my story? Incredible!

I'm thinking my first step to healing here is to put this on paper for me and others to see because I've been in distress for some time now. First of all, my father put the bottle first. My first husband put drugs and his friends first, leaving me with two beautiful, now grown children. My second husband put the bottle and his friends first,and when he gave up the bottle, he withdrew into himself and from the relationship so he doesn't live here anymore. My boyfriend loves the bottle, perhaps not as vivaciously as the others, but all relationship responsibility and accountability goes out the window when he does, and we deal with days sometimes weeks of him trying to get out of his depressed state. He has recently taken a bartending job (how suitable and convenient is that) because he has no money and the business he has been trying to start has not left the ground since he began last spring. He spent a lot of the summer drinking and farting around instead of working, now he has no money, no stability, his head isn't on straight, and he's asked for space. Fine.

Needless to say, I'm not a fan of the role the bottle plays/has played in my life. Let me back this up to tell you that when I realized that my husbands were emotionally and/or physically unavailable, I went out, had a good time, had affairs....yes, I have a lot to be proud of.

So here I sit tonite, having been alienated again by a bottle lover, entertaining the thought of going out to the club to dance and see old bar friends, maybe I should just jingle what's his face and get the physical attention I haven't had for a few months now....

Pathetic.

February 19, 2005
8:56 pm
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CAMER
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do you now live with your BF???? and do you have the strength to walk away and be happy knowing you may be "alone" but not lonely in the relationship???

February 19, 2005
9:06 pm
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alwayslearning
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Oh yes, the deterioration of my marriage began not long after we married with the words, "You know, if you would go get some friends and go do life, you wouldn't worry so much about what I'm doing." (An excerpt from an argument over him standing me up, coming home too late for the occasion and drunk. So I did what he said and got some friends (new ones at the bar, my regular friends don't care much for the bars) and I went and did life. I also took on more work at work, spent more time at the Y, spent more time anywhere except home. Whatever kept me from home was good. Jesus, I must have had some serious emotional pain or something.

And this new job my boyfriend took. I get a stomach ache when I think about it. What is wrong with me for God's sake. I just got the courage to get out of a dead marriage and now I'm burying myself again. Pray for me.

February 19, 2005
9:07 pm
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alwayslearning
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I've spent most nights of the last year at his house, keep clothing there, etc. but I have my own home. My son is 18 and a senior, works two jobs. My daughter moved out and in with her boyfriend in early January...so, I have the place to myself pretty much.

February 19, 2005
9:22 pm
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alwayslearning
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I miss the kids tonite. They're not even my own.

February 19, 2005
11:41 pm
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hopeful for change
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I don't know for sure the answer to that accept by taking care of yourself step by step. In my case drinking wouldn't be real appropriate, it was just lower my senses and probably get me into another situation that I would regret. Have u read codependent no more? Because you sound like me, get rid of one, find a replacement, get rid of him, find a relplacement, differnt appearance, differnt name, same basic problem. I think I need to well for one get out of this relationship, and not be with anyone, because my judgement is obviously clouded in this department.

Right now I am still with my husband (third one if that makes you feel better) and I am trying to think of what to do for myself. For one I am not even trying to control him, his job etc. just not caring less and taking that time I would focus on his crap, and putting it into myself. I am just having the attitude that if he wants to destroy his life, that's his problem, this isn't easy, since I am ususally the one to take care of it all. I am also awakening from denial, to not just believe his lies anymore. Its not easy but the only way to get through it all, is to go through it. I wish you the best, and you are not alone.

February 20, 2005
6:31 am
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ladyvirgo
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Look into your childhood..... that's where it started, isn't it?

You are getting into relationships with your father again and again. Lots of us do that....

It's more a familiarity thing... and in an odd way..... maybe this man with a bottle WILL love me this time and realize that he loves me.

Of course the man with the bottle is emotionally unavailable.... and you are left outside thinking bad things about yourself and having bad things happen to you.

What do you think you need to change to change the outcomes of these problems you have?

February 20, 2005
8:08 am
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Anonymous
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Always learning,

I read your thread and I must stay it sounds so much like mine. I'm trying to get out of a relationship with an abusive alchololic. My first relationship was with someone who was addicted to cocaine - I have a 14 year old daughter - she's beautiful too. I've never lived with them as I always 'knew' there was 'something wrong'. Didn't know whether it was me or them. But neither of them were available to me - I never even lived with them. Yet I'm still struggling to detach from my present 'life'
It's hard but try and stay focused. I have to keep saying to myself - this is hard but I'm have to use ALL my strength and the help of a Higher Power to make things different for ME. As I have read over and over again - if you keep doig things the same way and they don't work then change them.

Are you happy going out with friends at the bar? If not maybe it's a good idea to find some other sort of hobbies and interests. I know it's easier said than done but the more you keep busy the easier it does eventually get.
((hugs)) to you

February 20, 2005
8:16 am
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CAMER
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maybe its best to get rid of this bf and find someone who doesn't need to stay out all the time, come home drunk and stand you up.

There are respectable caring men out there who can treat you better....this bf sounds like a manipulator, wants his cake & eat it too.

Spend more time alone doing healthy hobbies, and keep posting here, it all helps.

(((my prayers are with you)))

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