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For Whitelight...
February 3, 2005
11:33 pm
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Zydeco
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September 24, 2010
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Hi...

About your daughter...

I was sexually molested by a friend of the family from the age of six until the age of eleven, and then by my father at seventeen. It's very hard to describe the damage that is done to a young heart when that happens. I have been in and out of therapy for over thirty years, because of the behaviors that resulted from these assaults.

I tell you with all my heart that the very best thing you can do for your daughter is to put aside your anger at her grandfather for now, and focus on her. Dear God, if you do anything, please, please get her into therapy, and keep her there... Sever all ties to the grandfather if possible, because it is VITAL that she know that she is more important to you than any relationship you may have with him. He may be a sick man, and he should be in prison, and he may very well end up there, but she needs to be taken care of first. If you focus on him, her perception will be that he is more important than she is. Trust me on this one. I know it's difficult. I have a daughter, too, and I know that if someone messed with her, I would be hard pressed to keep from hunting the perpetrator down and mutilating him, but, from my own experience, I know that would be a devastating blow to her.

I am so sorry for this tragedy...and I am sorry for the pain you are going through as well. I know my mother will never, ever forgive herself for not protecting me, as if she could have.

Take good care of that little girl...I am crying for her, because I know how she feels. Give her a big hug for me.

February 4, 2005
9:17 pm
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whitelight
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Thank you Zydeco. I cry, too. I have been reading as much as I can on-line. I am stunned by the scope of this problem. It is a cancer in our society. So very sorry to hear about your abuse. Yes, it has changed her. I can remember one girl from birth to almost age 4. Now, we have a somewhat different girl...one who's voice hitches when she talks. One who cannot sit still and focus at school. One who tells me she has nightmares every night. On and on....

Thank you for your advice. Good point--I should put her FIRST! As soon as I felt certain in my heart that some type of sexual abuse occurred, I wrote a short, clear letter to her grandpa. There will be no further contact.

My daughter had her first session of play therapy Wednesday. I had prepared myself for the likelyhood that she would tell nothing, which was exactly what happened. On-line, I've read that 79% of child victims never tell. Of those who do, 3/4 tell by accident. Of those who tell, 22% later retract their statements. Very sad. These poor, little, frightened kids cannot stand up to all the fear, their abusers, the consequenses, the memories.

Thank you for sharing. Glad you made the choice to find therapy.

wl

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