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For those of you who are dealing with an alcoholic or addict.
June 17, 2009
2:56 pm
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Xerxes
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At lunch today I watched a Beth Moore video at http://www.lightsource.com/min.....with-beth/ If you have time to watch it - start at June 15th. I really believe she has the key to this because the battle is in our own minds. We are empowered individuals with strong minds that were not created to self-destruct. I am very excited to know that changing is MY responsibility. It's up to me and I don't have to lie around and wait for someone else.

June 21, 2009
8:58 pm
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haythere
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We tried a visit, for Father's Day, with our son who is in rehab. He seems to be doing o.k. there, still has issues with his dad, but we had decided on a lunch out. But then he called and asked if he could just come home for 1/2 a day, I thought about it, and felt ambivalent. But our interaction had been so positive the last couple of times.....should have known better. He has alot of guilt about the bad stuff he has done and he can't understand why we even still want him around. Well coming to the house was like returning to the scene of the crime for him, it brought up alot of negative feelings for him and he in turn decided to express them as dislike for us and how he can't relate to us because we are so different from him, blah, blah, blah. Guilt over the money we are spending to help him get better. Obviously the visit was shortened and I took him back.

I'm o.k. with it, he wasn't disrespectful, just expressing how he was feeling. And actually was good in that it has helped me make some decisions about where he will be going after his 30 days are done there. He can't come home, that is obvious to everyone, from the day he stepped foot into rehab. So I have firmed up that we will foot the bill for an out-of-state transitional facility that, if he gets it all together can lead to a sober living enviornment in the same out-of-state place.

I'm thinking he should be able to get his act together and be close to, if not self supporting in 6 -12 months. But there are alot of variables. Do we wait and see how he does, do we offer up an ultimatum now, so he has that pressure to get it together.

June 21, 2009
9:00 pm
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Healing.. and peace
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Haythere

How old is your son?

June 21, 2009
11:36 pm
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haythere
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He is 20, 21 end of September. This is the fifth time he has been in some form of "rehab". This is the first time he went as his idea. He has stolen thousands of dollars in $$ and personal property from my husband & I as well as his grandma (my mom). We love our son, and want nothing more than for him to get better and be a productive part of society. His heart is big, and he knows all the right things, he just has been unable to apply them, with any regularity, to his own life. His coping skills are poor and the guilt he carries around from the things he has done are a huge weight on his shoulders. As he works the 12 steps, I hope he can find peace within himself and find appropriate ways to make amends.....somethings he has done are unfixable.

But while we support him in his recovery, there is a line to be drawn as to the money we can spend. He knows this. I don't want him to fail, but certainly can't afford to do this indefinitely.

June 22, 2009
10:21 am
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atalose
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haythere,

I am glad to see you are understanding the blah, blah blah of addiction and what comes out of their mouths. It’s amazing how they all seem to handle guilt in the same way, turning it outward and away from themselves in any manner they find fit. I am happy you shortened the visit.

As for the ultimatum…….well after you are in al-anon for a while you will understand the big difference between ultimatums and safe healthy boundaries. What I have learned is usually ultimatums seek to force someone else into doing what we want them to do.
Properly used boundaries add protection for the person using them.

You want to protect yourself and your family financial and emotionally right now. If this were me I would talk with him while he is at rehab and simple tell him that coming home is not an option right now and that if he would like to continue to seek help via treatment and treatment recommendations, transitional facility then sober living that you would help financially with that THIS ONE LAST TIME.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 22, 2009
12:06 pm
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haythere
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I don't like the word ultimatum. And yes boundaries to protect ourselves is what I'm trying to get to. I just want him to understand we can't do this indefinitely and he needs to get it together sooner, rather than later. He will feel so much better about himself once he can feel like he is no longer a financial burden on us.

He does not want to come home and I'm completely o.k. with that (I was sad when I first thought through the idea). He kind of tried to use it to hurt me, because he is hurting, my husband and I both see that. I would be heart broken if he never came home again, but if he needs a year or two away, (maybe more, maybe less) before he feels like he could visit, thats o.k.. I told him, all we want for him now is to get healthy and become productive in some way. If we are excluded from that, so be it. He needs his own boundaries as well.

June 23, 2009
10:55 am
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PaleBlueSky
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I am in a relationship with a
> recovering addict......he is doing very very well with this
> 12 step program, it shows me that it does work. He has
> just hit a milestone with his recovery - I am so proud of him, but didn't make
> a big deal of it, cuz I understand he doesn't want to be
> rewarded for doing the right thing and coming back to life
> after all these years. We have quite a history
> together (14 years) and I used to use with him many years
> ago, but I never became an addict I just decided from my own
> free will, enough is enough and it was time to grow up and
> stop, so I did.
> I have not used in over 3 years and feel very good about
> it. I became a different person, and now I am watching
> him become the man I always knew he was capable of
> being......I am writing to you because I am feeling
> something, although I know all he is doing is the right
> thing, but he is changing as he goes forward with the 12
> step program (which I also know is expected). When we
> had gotten back together he had just stopped using and I had
> been clean (by choice) for a few years.
> He was on the pink cloud which I suppose explains the
> clingyingness, now as he gets more comfortable with himself
> he is changing, he is trying to find balance.....He started pulling
> back once he started the second step of the fourth
> step. I know the fourth step gets into very deep
> emotions, he must have very deep thoughts and feelings going
> through his mind and just trying to do what he has to do and
> get through it. He has backed up quite a bit from me
> and that, if you would, clingyness had now passed and I am
> on the side, which I knew was coming.
> I know he is not doing anything bad, but I am just feeling
> the pain of not having him with me. The heart wants
> what it wants. I know he has to do this, so I am not
> giving him a hard time or pushing at all with him backing off, but for
> me I am struggling with it, because I do not want to talk to
> him about it and make it seem like I have a problem with it,
> which I don't. I just am trying to get through this, I
> know what I got into when we had gotten back together with
> him starting the 12 step program.
> I have watched my brother start the program but
> unfortuneately, he never completed it.
> I also know that I am co-dependant on his recovery which
> isn't always a nice feeling, but I am not talking to him
> about it because I know he doesn't need anymore right now
> with everything he is going through and just wanted to know
> if anyone can help me or point me in the right direction on how
> to get through this myself.
> I live a normal life I work, go to the gym and take care of
> myself.
>
> I lost my brother many years ago to drugs and we were
> together when this happened. When we had broken up, I had to go because my
> love for him turned to pitty and I just didn't know how to
> help him and I just couldn't watch him use anymore and I
> know that the first step is admitting that you have a
> problem and asking for help - which he has now done.
>
> I am sorry if I am rambling, but I have quite a bit going
> through my mind at this time. I know that his recovery
> is first before anything, and I also know that an addict
> going thru the steps should not be in a relationship, but it
> just developed, he stated to me in his own words that we are
> in a relationship, he's not going anywhere but we are taking
> things slow, because he has to go through his recovery (I
> know his recovery is priority right now) and I also know
> that it is a process for him and not an easy one.
>
> I do read through each step that he will be going through
> next, so I may understand without speaking with him.
> If he wants to share with me which he used to, I listen but I never ask about his work
> with his sponsor and let him do what he has to do with no
> questions asked. He requests that he doesn't want me to go to the meetings with him, which I can understand.
> As I read over what I wrote, I answered a lot of my
> own questions, sounds crazy but sometimes we all just need a
> little help with certain situations in our lives.
>
> I just need a little advice for me. Am I handling
> this the right way?

>

June 23, 2009
11:16 pm
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haythere
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Thanks to all for your support in my ongoing saga with my son. He is suppose to leave rehab on Saturday, for a transitional living house in a large metro area 2 days drive from us. He very anxious to get there and start over and be away from here. My husband will be driving him. At this point he wants no interaction with us, (should be a long, tense drive) he is directing his anger with himself onto us....we understand this, but of course, for me especially, its painful. He is refusing an individual family counseling session with us, which is fine with me. If he isn't ready to deal with his issues with us, I don't want to cram it down his throat. I'm exhausted emotionally and physically.....
I'm saddened that I may not see him again...I've known people who don't see their addict children for years, before they decide to reconcile and/or reappear. A couple of alanon meetings have not prepared me for getting a handle on these feelings.....I'm torn whether or not to go say good-bye on Saturday morning or send a message by not showing up that he has finally worn me out. He did give me a big hug last Sunday when I dropped him off from that failed Fathers Day visit, maybe I need to hold onto that?

June 24, 2009
8:34 am
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atalose
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Haythere,

The positive is that he is going to a transitional living house and continuing with his recovery.

As for going to say good bye why not wait until Saturday morning to make that decision and base it on what your gut tells you to do. What ever you decide it should be what you want to do not what you think he wants you to do.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 1, 2009
1:24 am
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I find some relief in reading that description of alcoholic/drug abuser - what I mean is that I've had a dependency on marijuana for years now (those who love me call it addiction) which I've very recently come to terms with and I'm finally trying to deal with the issues instead of hiding it - that said, the relief I mention comes from the realization that I'm hardly fit the description of someone who neither cares about himself or others. Then again I do in fact believe that people with such complex issues can hardly be defined by a simple paragraph or two of text. Regardless, after many years I am willing to accept that I may in fact be an addict (again, I differ considerably enough from the 'definition' offered above) but I appreciate the power of those words and so very much understand the truth in them.

This is my first post on this site and I am appreciative for the finee caring sentiments of the community here from what I've read so far. Power to everyone willing to make their lives and this planet a better place.

July 1, 2009
10:00 am
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atalose
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That’s great you are trying to deal with your issues instead of hiding it. Sounds like your addiction has not progressed to the point where a simple paragraph or two of text can describe you today.

Alcoholism and drug addictions can be progressive I think that original letter would describe someone in the later stages of addiction. It does deliver a powerful message especially to the loved ones of addicts.

Glad you found us hope you stick around and possible share your own progress with the work you are doing for your issue.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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