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****For those of you dealing with addicts/alcoholics******
December 7, 2006
1:06 pm
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alysmom
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I am so glad I am not the only one in my situation. i feel so used and taken for granted. i posted on i'm living with an addict as well that is also a good thread. i have been married for 4 yrs to and alcoholic he also has used and was addicted to several other different drugs since he was about 13-14 yrs old he has been in and out of prison until 2001. i met him and we married in 2002 since that time he hasnt used any "hard drugs" that i know of but continues to smoke pot and drink daily. i am tired of the financial burden that he puts on us with his addiction he says that programs do not work for him but i have decided he doesnt want them to work for him and until he wants to stop he wont even as he said "try". i am sick of his promises to do or not to do this that or the other and hardly ever does he do or not do what he promises. i am spinning my wheels. and am tired of being stuck in this mud that at this point is my life. i have decided it is time to leave. i am planning and working on building a new life for me and our daughter she's 3. i hope i have the strength to follow through with this and not let his "i'm going to kill myself if you leave" sway me into staying. he has family here in this town but as was said by someone else they're sick of his "stuff" i dont know what will happen to him but i keep repeating that he is the only one who can change the course our lives are taking bc i cant follow his direction for much longer.

December 7, 2006
1:37 pm
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lettingo
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alysmom,
I am glad to hear that you are not following his direction anymore because he might steer you right off a cliff. I feel that is what happened to me because I do kept on believe or hoping in what my husband was saying. I think he believed it too but time is a good teacher and I realized that I was the only one who could change things for the better for me. And if he got better in the process fine but it was no longer my life goal. Follow your own lead and get what you need. It is very empowering. I no longer depend on my husband for anything. If he give me money great but it is no longer a necessity. I ended up getting a roommate and a second job and although it is a burdern it feel awesome to have my power back.

December 7, 2006
1:52 pm
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lettingo
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alysmom,
Just want to add even if he did get help there are no guarantees! My husband has been in treatment centers, detox, jail, half-way houses. I didn't know him through all this but enough of it. Every time he got clean and sober he would be his old self and all into his recover and swearing it would never happen again and it was all behind him blah, blah, blah, and I would be so happy thinking life was going to work out and then bam it would happen again. I believed him because I needed to but I don't anymore. At this point, I'm not willing to role the dice again.

December 7, 2006
1:53 pm
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atalose
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the sad part and one that is very hard to understand is that you are trying to talk to and reason with an addict/alcoholic. Even when not high or have had a drink, the disease of addiction is still very much present and you are attempting to talk to and reason with a diseased brain.
alysmom, if you leave then maybe he would be forced to address his addiction, especialy if his own family is fed up with him.
We waist so much valuable time in our lives waiting for them to get better. Waiting for them to see or realize they need help. But how are they to see or realize they need that help if nothing changes except our words. One day we threaten to leave but don't. The next day we attempt to reason, they don't get it.
Nothing changes, if nothing changes.

We know it's not going to be them that changes, so that only leaves ourselves.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

December 7, 2006
2:12 pm
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on my way
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Just spoke with a counselor from a rehab program over the phone...he said the best thing to do for my son was not to enable him, to tell him that his dad and I were not going to sit and watch him die, but when he was ready to get some help that we would be there for him. This makes perfect sense...so, he needs to move out.

You all rock! Thanks so much for sharing your stories.

December 7, 2006
2:16 pm
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lettingo
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on my way,
This is going to be so hard but try to remember you will be actually helping him not helping him anymore. I hope that makes sense.

December 7, 2006
2:24 pm
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atalose
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Someone in an al-anon meeting once said "if you view the NOT HELPING as medicine they need, it is easier to stop the helping”.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

December 7, 2006
2:35 pm
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on my way
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Yes it does make sense, thank you. I have taught 12 Step progams before, but NOTHING has prepared me for the fact that my son is so sick. Even at 25, there is that feeling I had that well, maybe if he stays with me, at least that will be a stable point for him. But truth is, and I know you already know this too....that isn't how it works. Thanks for that reminder. And, from my first email above, I can look at it now and realize that no matter how hard it gets, my church isn't responsible, or his friends, I guess nothing will make a difference in his life until he decides he wants help.

December 7, 2006
2:42 pm
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lettingo
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on my way,
Wow, you sound so much better than your first posts. GOOD for you. I know what you mean about keeping them home. Things got so bad with my husband and his addiciton but it took everything thing to tell him to leave. I thought it would make things worse and he would die or end up in jail. Today is alive and well. They find a way. It is THEIR journey.

December 7, 2006
2:53 pm
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on my way
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lettingo, thank you...and you are very brave, I am sure that it took much courage for you to do what you had to do. Glad to know he is alive and well. You are right, it is THEIR journey. Thanks for the support, you and atalose have helped me alot this week. 🙂

December 7, 2006
9:43 pm
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moving on
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I thank all of you for writing your situations on this site, It has helped me to understand my situation better. I just recently ended a 7 year relationship with an alcoholic/drug user. It has been hard to turn away from this person partly because I cared about her and partly because of my concerns for her welfare. It is easy for people to say "just leave her, why would you be with someone like that" yet she was my best friend as well as my girlfriend. We never married, had children or bought a home because I knew at some point it would fall apart and I didnt want a child to suffer nor have legal issues with lawyers regarding separation. Yet I felt my life was on hold. Im not perfect yet I didnt know how to deal with the addiction. I now go to alanon and it is the best thing I have ever done for myself. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated

December 8, 2006
9:09 am
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alysmom
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lettingo,
i know there are no guarantees but just to see the effort on his part would mean so much to my HEART. as far as right off a cliff i think i'm on the ledge with one foot dangling over the "bottomless pit". i have to go but i will post more soon... thanks for all of you posting and letting me know that my life isnt a total wipe out.

December 8, 2006
12:48 pm
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lostandalone
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Well, I have been having a rough couple of days. He has tried to do and say anything and everythng to get me back. I am to the point of breaking. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I did go to the store and buy paint and flooring to fix my daughter's new room in our new house. That made me feel good. I have not been without him for almost 8 years. I am scared. I can't seem to talk to my family about it. They are all tired of his crap and don't want to hear it. His family are all crazy. His mother actually had the nerve to call my job and yell at me! I work in an office and I told him to control his mother before I finally, after all these years, put her in her place.

Sorry I am just complaining, but it feels good to just vent.

I have exciting news! I won tickets to a party being thrown by one of the local radio stations for tomorrow. I am so looking forward to this! It will be the first time I am going out without him. I am taking my older sister. I really need to blow off some steam and feel like a real person again. I can't wait!

My prayers are with everyone and I want to let everyone know that it really helps to know that I am not really alone.

December 10, 2006
8:22 pm
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thedogsmom
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lostand alone-- great for you..Yes..go treat yourself to a night out with someone who cares about you.---Hang in there. You already did the hardest part by moving out. He Will DO AND SAY anything to try to get you back. You are going to have to be strong--if you want peace and happiness in your life. Maybe it is time for no-contact or only contact for your daughters.
You must keep reminding yourself of "WHY" you FINALLY stood your ground after years of threats with no action and picked up and moved out. Your heart didn't move out yet..and It is VERY difficult NOT to feel sorry and to feel lonely and to worry about "his" well-being. But. this is YOUR only choice for a better life. For something different. If you take him back now--before he has QUIT--things may be better for a while as he tries to quit...but as long as he has what he wants-- life with you and with the 'drugs' --he won't really have the motivation to stick to it. You'll end up "waiting" and wondering and giving up more of your life again to the misery of dissapointments he throws at you.
Look at it this way-(I'm speaking to myself here too-but I am still living with my addict and haven't even gotten as far as you or letting go). If he is Serious about wanting his life back with you-- if he is TRULY serious and NOW threatened that he doesn't have this... then HE will have the motivation to do what it takes to begin to put HIS needs and wants (life with you and your daughters) before his drugs and may work at making some true changes to stop using. IF he is successful in a year or so--and you still find love for him in your heart-- then take him back when he is NO longer addicted and try again. At that point- you may have already moved on and realized that you have a better, more peaceful and happier life without him. Be patient- you certainly were patient with him all those years- waiting for him to change. Have some patience now- and confidence in your decision to leave. You WILL be better in the long run- whether he gets help or not.

onmyway- my heart goes out to you. I agree. There is nothing you can do about your 'feelings and emotions'. IT hurts. He is your son. You love him and always will and want to save your children. IT is Natural and there is no easy way around it. BUt you are doing the right thing. You can't really help him. You have tried your best. It is only up to him now. You can only help yourself --and that is what you are doing. Be strong and hang in there. I feel for you.

to all the others. I truly appreciate the thread and am right here in this sad situation as well. thanks for all the help.
TDM

December 11, 2006
11:10 am
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lostandalone
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TDM,
Thank you for all of your kind words and encouragement. I tried to see if he had changed over the weekend and he did a little. But, when he was talking to his grandmother I overheard him saying something about me never doing anything and that I did not help pay any bills. I flipped out! I once again remembered what he did to me and how he talks about me to his family. I thought about how many times I had to replace my t.v.'s and other things and how many times I had to fix the problems he created by overdrawing our bank account. I thought about how many times I made sure he had clean clothes by taking them to my grandmothers house (he sold the washer & dryer) and when he did go to jail I worked a crappy waitress job to make sure he had money in his account for socks, underwear, and long pants and shirts. I remember all the things that I did and still do for him and it makes me so angry and feel so hurt that he would say that about me. I don't know why I even went back there. He will never appreciate anything I do for him, it will never be enough.

But, on the brighter side, I had a great time at the party. It was just what I needed to let off some steam.

May 25, 2007
1:29 pm
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alysmom
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Hey everyone,
It's been AWHILE since I was on here. Since then, "the pain of staying becomes greater then the pain of letting go" so i found the strength to leave. I took our little one with me and left him to deal with his own problems. I was drowning and chose the only road i felt was possible to keep from "being steered off the cliff" i hope to be able to post more later. but all is getting better and i am more myself than i have been in several years.

May 25, 2007
1:32 pm
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CAMER
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good for you Alysmom!!!! ooooh, how i know the ol' saying of the pain staying in a relationship is much better than leaving one....glad you found the strength to do this & keep up the good work.

hope to see you posting again.

May 25, 2007
2:48 pm
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StronginHim77
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alysmom -

It sure is good to see you on these threads again and to learn that you took such a brave step forward!

Welcome back.

- Ma Strong

May 25, 2007
3:32 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Probably was not only the best thing for you, but for him as well. here's to you for having the courage and strength to do so!

May 25, 2007
7:59 pm
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atalose
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Welcome back alysmom,

What a couragious and strong move you made for yourself, I am so proud of you. Glad to see you back.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 30, 2007
1:52 pm
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alysmom
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Thanks so much everyone. It has not been easy but I am becoming more myself than I have been in years. I am finally on the road to a little peace and hopefully some happiness.

May 30, 2007
2:57 pm
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soprano2
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I am on that road with you. Doesn't it feel good.

I am very proud of you!!!!!!

May 31, 2007
1:02 am
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smarterone
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I respect your strength, i have the addict but it is my son and that is what i have to do. Good things ahead for you.

May 31, 2007
6:15 am
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the best thing is feeling the "quietness"....no more chaos, no more tears, just peace and quiet...keep up the good work!

May 31, 2007
11:13 am
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lettingo
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alysmom,
I don't know your story but the fact that you lived witn and alcoholic/addict tell me that we have a lot in common. My divorce from my addict was finalized 3/15/07. Definetely the hardest and most painful thing I ever did but like you the pain of staying was so much worse than letting go. We deserve peace and serenity. Two things that were foreign to me. I am just now starting to get used to it. Today, my ex is in jail. It is sad letting "them" go but I believe it is sometimes the best and most loving thing to do to ALL!.

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