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For Molly.....Please help
May 14, 2001
4:32 pm
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Hi,

I am seeking you out because I read alot of your replys and feel you have great insight. I am hoping you can lead me in the right direction. I am struggling with a decision as to whether or not to see a doctor about taking depression medication, however I really don't know what it is that I think I have. I will start with this....as far as I can remember I have been obsessing about things that I basically have no control over. At one time in my life I was convinced that I had the aids virus and was going to die. It was so bad I locked myself up in my room for 2 weeks and lost a tremendous amount of weight. People thought I was crazy to say the least. Once I got the results back from the aids test and realized I was fine, I was OK...or so I thought. I got married and the next obsession was about to come into my life.....my neighbor. To make a long story short, I was way too overly obsessed and made them ruin my life. Needless to say...I moved. Now it seems that I have found a new obsession. This time it is my mother in law. You see, I have a child and for some reason I don't want this woman to be around him for any long amount of time. I am not fond of this woman in particular, she is a good mother in law and grandmother but we just don't have much in common. The obsession with her coming over or "popping by" is VERY bad now to the point that I find myself making up lies to my husband to keep her out of the picture. Once again, to make a long story short, this obsession with her is making me feel like I am losing my mind. This has gotten to the point where I don't want to go to any family gathering or to see her at all. I almost feel as if she is a threat to me and that somehow she will try to take my child from me. I know...I sound sick. I don't much like people...I can admit that, I am just not a "people person". I really don't know why that is maybe just from being hurt or from feeling like I am always there for friends and I get nothing back in return....(some of my other threads explain that a bit further). I get extremely depressed at times but I noticed it usually gets worse if I have to attend a family gathering with this woman or around the time I am due for my period. This leads me to the reason for this thread. I read alot about "OCD", however I have the obsession with other things..(ex: mother in law). OCD seems to be related to people who constantly check things like locking the door, etc. Could I have this?? In general, I would say I am not a very happy person...does this mean I have severe depression?? I read up alot on these medications...buspar, zoloft, etc. and don't know if any of these will help with these obsessions that take over my life. I hate to "give in" and take medication for these problems but I am starting to see that I will not live happily if I don't do something about this now...the question is....WHAT?? I am confused and need help...what should I do??? Peace.

May 14, 2001
6:17 pm
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Well, if you have read my threads, then you know my style of confrontation, a little humor ok!
Cici, made a real good point in one of her responses where we make ourselves crazy, we create problems in our head. go, figure, but I think its true. If you read all of the diagnosis, you will fit into several, and that is just the mental side, wait until you get to the physical, then we are all just one big mess, so take what you read lightly, don't look for the label to quick.
Thinking you have Aids, and locking your self in a room for two weeks, is a bit radical, but I can justify that for you. Fear, guilt, shame, are all very powerful emotions, that if left uncontrolled, will allow you to do what you did.
When I quickly glance at your plea, and story, I just have to ask, how full is your plate? How much time do you have on your hands, and what do you do for you ? Its easy to obcess over anything when we don't have goals that we are reaching for, on top of that if you don't have success from the goals that you obtain, you have little self esteem, or self love, which can make you paranoid, and very insecure.
Our bodies, we respect them so little, tell us lots of things, like PMS, its a time when the hormones peak, all sorts of physical responses get tossed in our direction, and we try to pretend they don't exist, of course we had some help with that from lots who for a short while said it didn't exist. Many moons ago, our sisters used to go to a cave, and wait it out. Rest, and nuturing was the cure. So, like DUH during that time, you have something that bothers you on a good day, no kidding you can't handle it then. Ever seen the bumper sitcker I have a gun and pms? we need that on our forehead sometimes, just because we don't get to go to the cave any more. My sis, and a good friend who just lost a child has been on Zoloft, they are praising it, both now can see where the PMS, controlled them.
There are so many different directions to go with this, but first of all you need to really want to be different, and willing to do what it takes.
So, the questions, do you work? Stay at home with baby?
If you are not working out, get off the butt, and just do it. It is like a cure all and most reports are indicating it does more for depression, than the pills, with totally wonderful side effects, vs medical side effects.
So, make sure you are exercising, and real heavy during PMS, check your diet, water intake, no drugs, and no alcohol for a month. By checking your diet, I don't mean to diet, but to eat 5 small meals daily. Take your vitamins, good mineral, and B's. Go ahead and make the appointment with the md, it will most likely take a month to get into them, then a month to get a blood test back.
The busier we are the less we obcess unless you really do, have a chemical imbalance, I am no md but I don't think your all that bad.
With respect to the Mother in law, so like what is up with that?
Be honest, is it fear of judgement? Is she fat and ugly? does she smell? does she yell, or curse, or what ???
You have her grand child in common, so you can't get out of that one. Sounds like she is trying, as far as the pop overs, I wouldn't care for that much either, but hey use her, or loose her. You didn't indicate any problems with hubby, so unless you think the two of them are going to conspire, which I am sure could be over active imagination, put the woman to work. You have controll, you just forgot where you put it. Give your self a break from the baby, and go some where, that way you get a break, she gets her fix , and both could be maybe happier??? If she makes comments, you don't have to own them, she is trying to help, I assume in her own way, opinions like assholes, we all have them, right??? Laugh at that. Be polite, be greatful, be loving, and love yourself. You need companionship. We all sometimes get to where, interaction is sometimes more stressful than fun, so figure out what it is that is stressful for you,and get out there. Life is hard, and leave it to us to make it harder. People make fun of watching the pop psyche shows like Oprah, but some times we hear something similar to what we are going through, not unlike this. tune her in check out her web site, see the women that are just like you wanting out of the box, that they have put themselves into. Structure, goals, fun, and exercise is my Rx for you today. Give me some more information, and we will take it from there. Lighten up, have icecream for dinner, think different, your ok, all will be ok,now give your self a hug from me.

May 14, 2001
9:50 pm
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Hi Molly,

Thank you SO much for you reply..I've read it over and over again letting it sink in. What you said made alot of sense to me, especially the part about the AIDS stuff. I fully agree with the things you said about fear, guilt and shame, I know now that had very much to do with why I acted the way I did. That is maybe the one and only obsession that I could actually make some sense out of, the rest remain a mystery. That brings me to my mother-in-law. If you were to meet her, I'm sure you would say..."Are you nuts, she's wonderful"!! Most people do, it's only the wacko ME who has a problem or obsession with her. The thing that will seem most strange to you is that she DOESN'T bother me much as far as popping by, it's ME who constantly worries that she WILL come by and interfere with my life. So far, the woman has done NOTHING to confirm that at all. I moved to a new town and she is now literally 10 minutes away, I don't know if it all started then or when it actually did start, I only know that for some unknown reason I am SO afraid of someone taking control of my life..(as if I have no control!!) I think a huge chunk of my obsessions are due to feeling a lack of control in my life. I continually tell myself to get a grip...I'm a grown woman with a son...I HAVE CONTROL!!!! Yet I feel like I have none. I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent person and feel so ashamed of myself that I cannot deal with these issues in a mature way and help myself. I think I am a good friend and listener to anyone who needs me, with what I consider very sound advice...just not for myself!! I don't work, I'm a stay at home mom...and I guess you could take that very literally..."stay at home". I don't have many friends, not because I can't make any, but because at 34 years of age, I am so tired of putting my all into a friendship only to be hurt and disappointed in the person I chose to be friends with. All my life I haven't had many friends and to be quite honest with you, thats fine by me. I enjoy gardening and can usually occupy myself with that. When I look in the mirror, I think I can say that I am happy with the face looking back at me, I try to do right by everyone and be a good person even to myself. It's just the constant worrying and depressive moods that I get into that I don't feel happy about. I don't work out, my son will be 2 in a few weeks so it is very hard for me to make time for that. He keeps me busy to say the least and the husband is a wonderful man...no complaints....(well of course a few but nothing that is affecting me). He has put up with SO much from me and stuck with me, it's amazing...if I were him, I'd a dumped me years ago!!! I have to tell you how absolutely wonderful this feels to be talking to someone who cares and is REAL. I have no one like you in my life other than husband and mom, but let's face it, how much more can I put them through.
I am a person who is too deep thats for sure. They broke the mold and then some!! I'm a mess, what an idiot I am, so much to be grateful for, my son, husband, house, good family what more could someone want right?? I just want to break free from this "thing" whatever it is. I want to stop crying at every little thing and every song I hear on the radio. I want to wake up one day and not feel any pressure or worry about stupid things that are out of my control. I have to do something. I don't want my son growing up with a wacko mom, I love him too much for that. This is on my mind constantly. I am constantly going over this all in my head trying to figure it all out, reading up on medication, reading peoples threads, just looking for that someone who feels like I do, someone I can relate to. I haven't found anyone. I watch Oprah all the time, her shows are extremely insightful and usually hit home for me, but still no one out there going through what I am going through or anything similiar...go figure. I keep saying when my son starts school, THEN I will have a life!! Then I will be too busy to have obsessions and to worry about things. The funny thing is, I can be busy now but choose not to because hey that would mean having to interact with those funny looking stick figure they call "people"!! And hey, I can't do that!! They just make matters worse!! Lord, I could go on and on but I'm sure I am boring you to death with my life story so i will end it here. Thank you again..you're a wonderful person and I'm glad you listened to me.

May 15, 2001
9:27 am
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Ever wonder where all this insight comes from? Thanks for the validation, its just pay it foreward, your turn will come.
GIRLFRIEND---------- YOU ARE STUCK, NOT SICK!!!!!

My first intuitive thought was house wife blues, with a sprinkle of co-dependency!!!! And I think that is about as serious as it is. Sure you can take a pill, I am sure your chemicals are off a bit, and it might help with the PMS, but your feeding a depression monster, and if you don't get off the sofa, and out of the house, the monster will grow and grow.
You absolutely must do something, where you apply your self, and can see a result. If you keep putting things off till the boy starts school, your monster might be big enough that your mate just might kick it out the door.
Like I said, put the mother in law to work, she wants to see the child, you need a life, ask her how she feels about one specific day of the week for a short time. No need for her to pop in and catch you in your sweats, or disturbe the routine, see what I mean, reclaiming some controll. Take some sort of class, and regarding working out, gotta weigh the cost/benifit factor, most gyms, etc have a day care room, with cameras now a days, go go go. He is almost old enough for a mommy and me class go go go. with respect to the friends thing, it changes, its not like highschool or college days where we put our all into a relationship. Its more like a cackle session over a cup of coffee, a quick new york second that lets you bond with your own kind. Bible study, sewing circle ie., quilts, hey Michales has craft classes, but you must get out, and do, I thought you said you watched Oprah, its all the same story, they have just waited longer to take action, so they look more dramatic. the worst part is this just gets worse the longer you sit and do nothing. Hmmmm let me guesss did this start when the baby was about 3 months? Did you work before he was born, is there an identity crisis? Looking to hubby to light your day, and he is burnt out and wants just the comforts??? then the tears???? It gets a little easier when the baby is older, but why wait?????? Lonely and bored, hmmmmm

May 15, 2001
9:02 pm
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Hello again...

Looks like I need to take a bite from a reality sandwich. That was a bit hard to swallow, however I must say you have a point (ok ok a FEW points!)
You're without a doubt right when you say I need to get off my butt and do something that will give me results. The obsessive worrying is still remaining a mystery to me. Are you saying that I basically have no life (my words...not yours) so that to "take up time" so to speak, I am giving myself these thoughts and driving myself crazy??? Seems unrealistic, but I guess it could be true. The answer to your question is yes, I use to work for an insurance company right after I got married, then got pregnant and left. I have been home since. These obsessive thoughts started at the time I was to be married back in 1995..that was when the whole AIDS thing happened. I guess I just figured it was pay back time for my past. Of course, the reality of that was that there really wasn't anything to worry about. Had I been in a rational state of mind, I would have been able to see that. The next obsession was with my neighbor. I was pregnant at the time and that whole scenario came about. I know what you're saying...looks like she obsesses over things when there is a big event in her life. Yeah, I thought so too, until my mother in law. No big event going on now...just my insane, irrational thinking. I don't understand it, but I will heed your advice and DO SOMETHING about it thats for sure. As far as my mother in law, sounds easy, but trust me you're asking for a miracle. I am so afraid to let her have him for any amount of time for fear she won't leave me alone and get kinda use to it. Once again, the control is in my hands, I KNOW this...why can't I get that through my head?? As far as the friend thing goes, I agree with you to a certain point. Yes it's nice to keep it light and bond with some females and talk about tupperware, but I still feel like I need something more than that. Hell, I KNOW I deserve more than that. Whenever my friends have a serious problem, I am there to lend an ear and offer any advice I can give if they want it. Shouldn't I receive the same back?? I don't think that's asking for much, but then again, for my friends IT IS. So, suffice it say, if that is all I can expect from them, then thanks but no thanks...I'll stay by myself. It's like you said, I am feeding the monster and I guess if friends won't take up my time, then something else will have to. Thanks again....PEACE

May 16, 2001
11:59 am
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Dr Phil made some realy good points yesterday, we spend 60 minuets an hour 24 hours a day in dialog with our self. If we actually took the time to write down all the things we constantly say to our selves, we would look at it and say this is nuts!!!! By getting a life, its the same thing I tell my self when I start to go over the edge, busy people do not have the luxury of dissecting everything, ie., the neighbor, or trauma, real or imagined. What I know to be true, but hard to practice, is mind controll of our monkey brain. I can spend all day wondering if my husband is cheating, if we are going to have an income over the next decade or two, or I can get busy with something productive, and better serving to me. We are all so protective of our children, God knows I was neurotic, my mother in law at the time was 65 when my first born came along and she was dying for the opportunity, I was paranoid that she was to old. She turned 88 last week, and drives up to see the oldest who turned 23 in March, thank God I trusted, she has been such a gift in my childrens life, and provided such relief. But you are the one who must sleep at night, and the only one who can decide if it is worth the risk. No judgement call there. If you get out and about, and depending where you seek friend ship, I hear you on the tupperware chat, but there are quality women out there, who share kid stuff, and women stuff, and like to go shopping, and art galleries, and hey there is always local politics, if you really need depth, but then the tupperware conversations might make more sense. Laugh. its just hard, ok, but we never ever get more than we can handle.

May 18, 2001
7:29 pm
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Hello again............

Just wanted to say "thank you" for listening when I needed an ear. Your advice has helped me to try and change some things in my life. PEACE.

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