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For Mich....... (* PS free here*)
February 21, 2007
9:37 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Do you want to see PS again Need? Do you trust him? Are you willing to go down that road again?

February 21, 2007
9:39 pm
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needtoheal
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Good question Mich...

I really do like her but I am unsure that I am in love with her. I do not like all the codependency issues -- all of which I have tried to escape.

I do not like that she has the tendency to want attention all the time nor do I like the fact that she has "walked out" twice already..

She tells me all the time (at least 10 to 15 times a day) that she loves me. I always respond "uh huh or I know " but I told her last night that I have difficulty in hearing those words from someone who has walked out...

I know that she cares for me and she so desperately wants to be with me..

I do not want to hurt her Mich... but I want what is BEST For ME!!!!

I did not do that with Pondscum.. I allowed him to walk all over me...

February 21, 2007
9:43 pm
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needtoheal
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I do not want to see PS ever again. But I do have to admit that I do like talking to him...

I do not have the same feelings for him as I did even four months ago when I met you here at ACC...

I do not want to be involved with him again...

NO I DO NOT TRUST HIM AT ALL!!! He had his chance and, to me, he was the one who blew it... He says that I was the best thing for him and that he has never loved anyone the way in which he did. Well, he should have appreciated me and he did not.. so I have NOTHING physically or emotionally left to give to him... Even when we talk now I do not have anything to give other than to talk about the puppies or the bearded dragons.. I do not talk to him about the kids...

February 21, 2007
9:44 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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What do you think made you turn to a woman Need? I have NOTHING against it...I am just asking..were you attracted to her? What made JC be what you want...?

February 21, 2007
9:47 pm
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needtoheal
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Mich.. when you tell me that you have been where I am at, were you confused?

It seems that the issues that I do have are not a gender issue..

I do not want to sound as if she is not good for me because in many ways she has been very, very good for me. She is absolutely wonderful for the boys. I think that is something that I have not found before.

February 21, 2007
9:50 pm
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needtoheal
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She has asked me this question also...

she wanted to know if it was because of the alcohol that i had consumed that night..

I do not think that it was because I wanted to make PS jealous...

I remember talking to her twin sister who is my BEST friend .. She used to tell me that she understood the situation that I was in with PS (the control & the manipulation) and she told me that her sister was in a similar situation and she felt that we had a lot in common. So I guess I was attracted to her in some way even before I even saw her. I remember going for a walk with my best friend and telling her that I wished that I could speak to JC because I thought that we could help each other and that I understood....

February 21, 2007
9:51 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Need,

If you remember right, I was with a woman for a while before I married h. I really wondered for a LONG time what happened? How it happened? Why it happened? I do believe that it WAS for different reasons to some degree, but maybe the same things kind of...I was scared of what I was doing and the lack of understanding why.

February 21, 2007
9:55 pm
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needtoheal
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I am not against lesbian relationships either.

That night, it was my best friend's birthday (and obviously JC's birthday since they are twins);

Pondscum at first did not want to bowl with us. He was going to show up and wanted to pick me up after I was finished with the regular league bowling..

Then I told him that I was going to bowl after the league bowling because it was my friend's birthday and that it was the decision that I made and if he did not want to be there then he could leave...

February 21, 2007
10:01 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Need, I meant it took me a long time to figure out what I was doing. I remember how things started with you and JC. I don't know...I I am so confused now as to where I am trying to go with this...

February 21, 2007
10:07 pm
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needtoheal
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Actually MIch I had no idea that you had been involved with a woman before H.. That is new info to me;
thanks for sharing.

I think that what is similar with me and JC is that we have both been abused by men...

I had a LONG talk with her last night.

SHe asked me last night if there was anything from my past that ever came back and made me relive the whole situation all over again..

I said yes, I told her about the guy who molested me who came into my store and had the nerve to get on my line and I had no choice but to take care of him.. and that i got through it.. I told her that when he reached to over to hand me the discount savings card to scan , I forced him to place it down on the register because I did not want to touch his hands. I also made him hand me the money by placing it on the counter as well.. I also told her that I did say have a good day .. I did not look him in the eyes. but after that moment when he walked away I felt that I had conquered a lot of my fears and finally confronted my past...

She asked me if I ever woke up in a bad mood the next morning after thinking about my past abuse..

I told her NO---- NEVER... I told her that, if anything, the next morning after having a nightmare or a flashback, that I woke up happy because I was glad to be alive and have a life with my sons who I appreciate having every moment with...

She said that when she came to my work the other day she saw the man who had abused her in the past. She said that the reason that she woke up and said to me "have a nice F&^king life" is because she was in a bad mood.

Well MIch I do not want to sound like I do not have any EMPATHY but I told her that it was an unacceptable reason for her to treat me the way she did because ultimately she is responsible for actions ......

I told her that I never liked it when someone would tell me that I needed to deal with my past but I can understand how it affects other people when a person cannot deal with the past, That is what happened between me and my ex-husband. I would have a bad day when something from the past came up.... and I told her that I can see how it can lead to a demise of a relationship... Do I sound unreasonable??????

February 21, 2007
10:11 pm
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needtoheal
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So sorry MICh if I have added to the confusion....

I mentioned PS and JC and that night because I wanted to talk to you about how it happened.. I am not sure of why it all happened... In all honesty I just remember being annoyed at him (looking at him and being so disappointed because he could not be affectionate towards me even though we were "supposedly" boyfriend and girlfriend -- and at one time we were engaged) So I said to JC's sister, my best friend,

"I wonder if I should go to the other side?"

and knowing that her sister was a lesbian..... I said

"ask your sister if I am better off on the other side and do you think she would be interested?"

Her sister then said that she would go ask her and then she came back and told me that JC would consider it and that is how it all started...

February 21, 2007
10:50 pm
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needtoheal
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Mich--- thanks for talking tonight,. I really am glad that we had a chance to talk...

Hope you have a good day tomorrow.. i will be around tomorrow after 2pm Eastern....

love,
NEED

February 22, 2007
2:00 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Need,

You did NOT add to my confusion. I just want to make sense when I am trying to say what I am talking about. I don't want to further confuse you.

I had NEVER been interested in a woman. I am not now interested in women either. What I had discovered was that I was SO desperate for love, affection and someone to understand me that I was willing to go to almost any extreme. However, I will say that when I was doing it, that it didn't even seem right. I was tired of being hurt by men, and I just wanted someone to hold me and love me. A woman will do that because that is something that we naturally want and are able to do. She would hold me, and love me. She would cuddle to me, she understood me. and she cared about my feelings. Something i had NEVER had. Something that I SO desperately wanted and needed. But, what I found was that I was trying to find the love that I wanted from my mother, and put ymself in a position to NEVER be hurt by another man. Does that make sense?

I don't know if that is what you are doing or if you are really loving JC as a partner. I can't get inside of your head. Only you can answer those questions. And as I said....Need, if you chose to be in love with another woman...and stay in a relationship with her...I COULD CARE LESS...I just want my sister to be happy. To me, you are my sister and you always will be. I would still think the same of you. I only wonder any of these things because you seem a little unsure, especially as time goes on. Just be careful Need, so you don't get hurt again ok. That is all I am saying. I love you and I care about you, and I don't want to see you hurt, or get hurt or anything else.

I love you Need. Remember that I am going to be gone until LATE Monday night so I will NOT be around much until then...But I will check on you then. If there is internet access at the hotel, then I will try to talk to you that way too...I care about you. And you may say that none of what I have said here applies to you, and that is ok. I just wanted to throw it out there for you to read and think about.

The one thing that I might suggest Need, is the online coda meetings. I think that even if you can't get to them for face to face meetings...that they could really help you online. The nice thing like this site is that nobody knows you. You should at least try it once and see what happens. You may find it as helpful as I have. There are some wonderful stories to hear there that give a lot of hope, and things to really help you think about where your life is, and what would be helpful to get you to move forward.

I am glad to hear that you really don't want anything to do with PS. Again, I would still be here to support you, but not without an earfull first. ;o) I just want you to be happy. And if you believe that JC can do that for you..that is great...just think about it Need...that is all I am saying.

Love to you...
Mich

(((Need)))

February 22, 2007
3:38 pm
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needtoheal
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Mich--

I think that what you had mentioned can apply in my situation..
She holds me. She cuddles with me. She cares about my feelings.

It may be that I am so desperate to feel loved that I am with her now.

I am going to do the online coda meetings. I told her today that I do not want to be involved in a codependent relationship again.

I hope that you have a nice time away.. Thanks for thinking of me Mich,,
thanks for taking the time to listen and give me the encouragement..

You are a wonderful person Mich-- a true friend and sister..

love,
NEED

February 22, 2007
4:06 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Do you think that she understands the codependent thing? Need, you do NOT need to be walked out on just because she is upset. Being in a relationship where you are repeatedly walked out on is ONLY going to hurt YOU. That isn't fair to you Need. You deserve more than that, you deserve to be loved and respected. The online coda meetings are helpful. I think that you would find it that way too. onlinecoda.net is a good site. It has helped to change my life in a LOT of ways. I am starting to make some WONDERFUL changes in my life.

Now, I know that you had suggested her leaving, is she still there? Did you agree to her staying and you guys trying to work it out? Physically it may not work if it isn't what you truly want need. All I am saying is just try to look deep within to see what it is that you are looking for in this relationship with JC.

I am just trying to make suggestions. I love you and I care about you. You can take all of this info and thoughts and throw it out the winddow if you want. It may be only worth what you paid for it. BUT, it comes from my heart. And my heart IS in the right here Need, I promise.....BUT, I am NOT in your head. You have to figure this out, I am just trying to help give you things to think about...I hope that you understand that.

I LOVE YOU.

Mich

(((Need)))

February 22, 2007
4:21 pm
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needtoheal
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MICH---

I totally do understand and I do appreciate how much you have helped me to look within myself for the answers instead of just feeling confused.

I do not think that she understands the codependency issue because right now she called and I told her that the boys are over at a friend's house and will be there for a about an hour and she said that I should take a ride to visit her at work. I told her no and that I have things that I have to do for me.....

She does not want to leave. She feels that if we take a break that it could mean that we could never get back together again.

When I discussed things with her and the therapist, I told him that JC is insecure and therefore she wishes to spend a lot of time with me....

thank you mich...... for everything.. you are really helping me sort things out in my head.

I stopped going to see my therapist before I met JC. I have to find another therapist that I can see.. I really like her therapist. However, it would be a conflict if I were to see him individually so that is unfortunately not an option...

((MICH))

love,
NEED

February 22, 2007
4:29 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I just want the best for you....

I am still seeing Jim, doing a bookstudy, and the online coda meetings. have you ever checked that website out? If you have a few, check it out

I am thinking of you.

Another therapist is a good idea. Just keep taking care of you Need. You deserve that.

I love you,

Mich

(((Need)))

February 22, 2007
4:38 pm
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I have checked out that website a while ago but I did not find that there were a lot of people there. Maybe it was the time taht I would go there.. I promise I will check it out...

Mich, do you see the codependency issues that I am having with JC? Am I right about her being clingy like her asking me to come see her while I have some time while the boys are at a friend's house??

I know that it has been an adjustment for me to having someone living with me day in and day out. I have not lived with another person (well, another adult-- ha ha) for the past 6 years.

I do not mean to ramble on and on all the time here to you Mich...

I guess I need to get it out and this is a resource for me right now.

Please know that I appreciate having you in my life.,..

love,
NEED

February 22, 2007
4:46 pm
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Need,

There are quite a few more there then when I started there. It is so good. Just try it, worst case scenario...you don't like it. There is nothing to keep you going there, ya know? I am just telling you that it has helped me in SO many ways. It is unbelievable.

YES, I do see the codep issues. Need, you don't need that. You need to heal YOU. JC, seems very clingy, and jealous, and VERY insecure. That makes it hard for a person to heal. It is hard to move forward when you have something hanging on your ankles holding you back. ya know what I mean? Now, if she can get the help that she needs, admits that she has a problem and truly works to improve them...that is another story. Just remember Need, that it is codep of YOU to try to fix her. It is one thing to support her, but she HAS to fix herself.

I don't feel like you are rambling, and I am trying to help you and support you in anyway that I can. I am GLAD that you are comfortable talking to me about this. I was taking a risk for me personally to throw my past back out there, but i wanted you to know what was on my heart. I want you to talk to me, if you are comfortable...I care about you SO MUCH.

And as far as not living with someone Need. That is a lot to take on. Especially someone who is unhealthy. Just be careful please...that is all that I am asking of you. Just please be careful. I worry about you. You have come so far.

Holding you close Need...

Mich

February 22, 2007
4:48 pm
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Mich---

What I find so intriguing is the fact that the last three relationships that I've had -- all three of them have walked out whenever the other person was mad or upset.. Why is that?

I had a conflict today at work and I set boundaries with the person today. I told her directly that I had a problem with the way in which she spoke to me. Interestingly enough, when I told her this she snapped and said that she knows that I feel as if she is a psycho B-tch! I then said to her directly that is NOT what I said. Then she responded and said that is what she feels about herself. I told her that she is drawing her own conclusions and that is NOT how I felt about her!!

I then also told her that I did not appreciate her cursing. and she said that she was not saying it to me... it was about herself... and i told her that is fine but it still is NOT acceptable behavior to curse!!

Am I right?

February 22, 2007
4:53 pm
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Thanks for the kind words Mich.. You are absolutely right and I spoke about it last night when she came home from work last night. I told her that I am recovering from my abusive past and that she is preventing me from moving forward because she has issues with her own past that she needs to deal with FOR HERSELF!! I told her that I understand that it is easy for me to say and hard for her to do but she has got to do things for herself. I keep repeating myself to her that everyone needs to be responsible and accountable for their own behavior!!

She just called me AGAIN!! This is the second phone call in about 10 minutes. She said that she wanted to tell me something and she forgot what it was but that she loves me....

((MICH))

I know and I do understand about the choice of disclosing your past to me here and I do appreciate your honesty and willingness to help me understand things more clearly for myself.....

February 22, 2007
4:53 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Need,

If you aren't comfortable with that...then it is acceptable...that is a boundary. You have the right to have boundaries. It is good that you told her EXACTLY what was on your mind. That IS the healthy thing to do. IT IS. I set a good one today with my mom....I was SO proud of myself...BOUNDARIES ARE GOOD, AND HEALTHY.

We need them to survive...

Mich

February 22, 2007
4:56 pm
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I told her that her clinginess pushes me away more.. I do not feel as if I can breathe anymore. It seems as if she has a trust issue which could just projection about herself.. I don't know...

I have to go pick up the boys at their friend's house right now.. I am going to take Mandy & Milo with me for the walk since it just stopped raining. At least it is melting some of the snow!!

I will post more later...

Thanks in advance for everything..

love,
NEED

February 22, 2007
4:58 pm
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(((Need))) Just trying to help. You REALLY need to beware of the clingyness Need. He calling you twice in 10 minutes...is NOT a good sign...she needs to let you have your space too....

I know that she loves you, cares about you, and you are snuggled, and cuddled, and held, and stuff but Need...you are not truly being respected in all senses of the word. I am NOT saying that she doesn't respect you at all, as that would be unfair for me to say...BUT, she doesn't TRULY respect your space, your freedom, your needs, or your wants. Please be careful.....

Just more food for thought sweetheart. Thinking about you....

Mich

February 22, 2007
6:51 pm
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Need,

I will continue to try to chat this evening off and on if you are around. I truly hope that you have a WONDERFUL weekend. I am thinking of you.

Mich

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