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For Mich....... (* PS free here*)
February 9, 2007
10:27 pm
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needtoheal
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Mich--

I just want to tell you that I am so happy that you have returned to this site.. I really did miss you... I hope all is well with you and the family... I have missed hearing all about my nieces and nephews...!!

Thank you for giving me all the love, care and support during the past 4 months.. I am so grateful to have met you... along with others , especially LL, Cyndra, Friendma and of course, the youngest of the triplets, GG!!! (also known to us as Green Grapes!!)

I love you Mich... and I am thinking of you

love,

Pondscum free NEED

February 10, 2007
8:48 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Need,

It is good to be back to the site, yet I am GLAD that I took the break that I did. It was short, and to be honest shorter than I had intended it to be, BUT, I felt the need to come back. There is still an awful lot going on in my head. Yes, things are going ok. I am trying VERY hard to see the things that are going good, but it is so much easier to see the things that still need soooo much work. There are a couple of things that I am really struggling with, and I am yet afraid to talk to Jim about. It is very scary to make myself that vulnerable.

The kids are doing good. Not much has changed with them really. I do though, find it hard to believe that Aryn is almost four. When you look at how little she is....it seems so weird. Plus, it hardly seems like it has been four years. But when you look at it that way, I guess it hardly seems like it has been over ten years since I had Arica...But over all they are doing well. We are still trying to gte Arica into a neurosurgeon...that has been a nightmare from hell. But, I am hoping that we are getting there.

Need, I too, appreciate all of the love and support that you have given to me. No matter what happens you will all ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart. I am glad that we are no longer still in that same spot, but I still miss it sometimes. Sometimes....A LOT. Almost, like right at this moment. Wish i had you all together to just chat. Could use that right now. Nothing major.....just having a rough moment.

I love you too sweetheart, and I hope that though things are going good for you right now, that you will still stop in and see us. I am glad that you are still PS free, and that you seem to be doing ok.

I love you....

Mich

February 10, 2007
12:49 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Need,

I also wondered how things are going with JC? Did she seem to understand your take on not wanting to talk to PS about her? Is she seeming to understand that you are NOT insecure with your relationship with her? I just wondered how all of that was panning out for you....

Hope that all is well. Thinking of you, and hoping that all is well...

Love ya,

Mich

February 10, 2007
4:07 pm
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Hi Mich and thanks for responding and asking about JC... We went to see her therapist together and addressed the issue again (even though we talked about it)..

She does understand that I am NOT at all ashamed about being in a relationship with her.. However, she wanted to tell me that she does not want me to keep mentioning HIS name anymore like I was frequently doing.. She also asked that I NOT speak to him.. which is understandable and reasonable...

I told her therapist (who I really like) that I understand how she feels about me talking with Pondscum but I also explained that I do not prefer to speak to him..

The therapist asked me if he is calling and sending text messages to me to see if I would go back with him.. I told him and reassured JC that he has not asked me to go out nor has he said anything about us getting back together....

We are getting along really well... The other day when she picked me up from work she brought Mandy & Milo there so I could show the puppies to my friends at work.. My one friend at work asked me if she was my new BOYFRIEND (because of the way she dresses and wears a hat backwards).. Then another friend of mine answered and said that she was a female friend.. and then after the other girl left, she asked me if JC was my friend or FRIEND---FRIEND!!!!????? She already knew the answer..

Thanks for asking and I hope you are well....

I am glad to hear that all is well with you and the kids...

love,
NEED

February 14, 2007
5:22 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Need,

I am sorry that I have not posted to you. SO much has taken place in the last few days. I don't have the time right now either as Jay and I are going out to dinner. But I wanted to tell you Happy Valentines Day. I love you Need. I hope that you and JC enjoy your first Valentines Day together. Send the boys my love please.

Mich

(((((Need)))))

February 14, 2007
5:26 pm
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Happy Valentine's Day Mich..

I hope that you have a great dinner with Jay tonight..

We are snowed in...

I am so glad that you posted..

I love you too Mich

My love to the kids..

love,
Trish, JC

Matt & Jake

Mandy & Milo

February 14, 2007
5:29 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Need....Thanks for being you. I wish my dream of meeting you the other morning had been real. I will explain that tomorrow probably. Sorry that you are snowed in. I LOVE YOU. (((Need)))

I miss you lots Trish. LOTS...especially lately.

Mich

February 14, 2007
5:33 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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(((Need~Trisha)))

One more hug before I leave for dinner...

Mich

February 14, 2007
7:11 pm
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(((Sweet Need))), Happy Valentines Day, my friend. I am so happy for you and have enjoyed seeing your life improve since I first met you. I am filled with joy to hear how happy you have become...Love you....gg

February 14, 2007
7:13 pm
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(((Michy))) Happy Valentines Day...I am sure Jay is doing something romantic for you...I miss talking to you as much as we did, but like need, I have enjoyed seeing your life improve. I am happy for you. Love you....gg

February 14, 2007
7:31 pm
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needtoheal
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Happy Valentine's Day to you GG...

Thinking of you

Love,
NEED

February 14, 2007
10:23 pm
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(((MICH)))---

I hope that we can talk soon..

I know that we have not kept in touch that often. However, I feel closer to you now than I have before. Thanks for being there for me..

It was a good day today.. We were snowed in.. The boys were home with me and JC who also had the day off from work..

Please know that I will be here...

love,
NEED

February 15, 2007
12:17 am
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mamacinnamon
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HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY Ladies:

Mich:

I copied this over from the grandma thread. I hope this might help you some.

http://www.divorcenet.com/stat.....tation_law

February 15, 2007
11:28 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Need,

Well, I am going to try to write some to you for a few. I have some stuff that I need to get done, but I feel like I need to talk to you for a few minutes.

First, I am so glad that you are happy. I miss you so much. I miss us all talking. I know in my heart that we helped each other, in a LOT of ways. I am sure that it happened in some codependent manners, but I believe in my heart that it served a purpose, for all of us. I believe in my heart that we have ALL come a LONG way since the start of the "sisterhood" as we once knew it. Sometimes, it was just small talk, sometimes we were serious, sometimes we were just trying to get to know each other...but I think that we developed friendships, relationships that would change our lives. Ones that I know I will NEVER forget. Some that I really miss.

So, I had a dream the other morning...well this is what I woke up to...

I was standing at your door, and you opened it, slowly. You just kind of looked at me, and at first I couldnt speak. I said, do you know who I am, and you said..."no". I said Mandy, and you still kind of looked at me funny, and in a REAL quiet voice, I said "ScaredinMichigan". You just hugged me, and hugged me. The last thing that I remember was that you and the boys and I were driving down the road. I was so sad when I woke up and realized that it wasn't real. It was just a dream. I hope one day, it can be real. I truly do. Somehow, someway. I am sure that I won't let go of the hope anyway.

So, I had a good talk with Jim the other day. I told him about the cutting. That was SO hard for me Need. I did it though. It is out. I want it to stop, I hate what I do to myself. I am hoping that now with Jim knowing that things will improve. It didn't start out a bad problem, just it wound up that way. It has gotten quite out of control. I just wasn't sure how to address the situation. I will admit in the last week though...it hasn't been too bad. I am just glad that he knows. And I am thankful right that right now in my life, there are people that I can turn to in the situation. I have a couple of friends who know what is going on, and I can turn to them. That helps me a LOT.

So, I am going out of town, to get away from my kids, and my husband for a few days. I am looking forward to that. I need a break. I have been reading some good books, and I am doing the online coda meetings some times, and I am talking to some friends of mine that I have really grown to love and trust. It was neat to finally allow myself to get close enough to some people to let them help. After the few months that I spent here, I think that I finally realized that I am lovable, I am not crazy, and I am worthy of having some good friends. So all in all this website has helped me more than I can say. And YOU Need, were part of that for me. Thank you so much.

Well, again, I am glad that you are finally happy. It is so nice to hear that. You deserve it Trish. You deserve someone to love you and respect you. I hope that she understands how lucky she is, and how wonderful you truly are. I hope that you are continuing to do some things to continue to heal and grow though.

Alright sis. I am going to go. I love you and I care about you. I hope that you at least have some idea of where the last few days have led me. It has been a LONG emotional few days...but, oh well...we will see. I am pretty sure though that I am on the right road to better health...emotionally.

How was your Valentines Day?

Love you sweet Need, and miss you lots.

Mich

(((Need)))

February 15, 2007
8:06 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Missin You...

(((Need)))

Love, Mandy

February 15, 2007
11:54 pm
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needtoheal
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Hi Mich----

First of all, thanks for posting..
I hope that you and Jay had a nice dinner for Valentine's Day...

I am so proud of you, Mich.. for being able to talk to Jim about the cutting. I know that it was difficult for you to do but I think that it was a HUGE step...

I am glad that you are doing things like going to CODA meetings online and reading books. It is nice to hear that you are making friends because as we both have seen, having friends who can relate is HUGE for our recovery!!

I loved reading about the dream that you had. I also wish that it could be true for us to meet one day.. I had always thought of us both sitting down and talking while our kids got together to play.. That would be so cool!

Mich-- I cannot explain how I feel about you.. I just feel closer to you more than ever. I still think it is because you were the one who was there for me the night that I said that I had a choice between going home with Pondscum or JC... And then I sent out a SOS to my sisters and you were the first to respond while PS was sleeping next to me.. I will always be grateful!!

I do agree that the sisterhood was something special and it is something that I do miss very much.. I think that no matter what, we all bonded together during those weeks while we shared our thoughts, our past and what we all wanted for the future..

We both have A LOT in common.

Thank you for thinking of me and wishing me the best. I am still working on myself and my own recovery. I have found that by being with JC it does bring back issues from the past with my ex-husband (slugshit) and pondscum. I know that it is not fair to compare people, however, it is for me to do in order for me to be able to look at myself better (I don't know if this makes sense and I am not sure if I can explain what I mean... I have seen the same attributes in all three of these people and it makes me look at MYSELF more in order to figure out what it is that I can now change with JC that I was not able to change when I was with others. For example, JC had made some demands the other night and wanted me to END things with Pondscum.. which I had already done but she felt that by me taking his calls that I was in fact, not done completely with him.. So a few nights ago, we were up all night long talking and she wanted me to call him up and leave a message while being in front of her and tell pondscum not to ever call me ever again.. I told her that I was not able to do that. I asserted myself and told her that I need to do things for myself and NOT because she wants me to do things nor the way in which she demands me to do things. I am proud of the fact that I was able to tell her that I was not going to do this...

I have ended things with Pondscum although we have talked a few times over the phone. We have not gotten into any specific details until the last two conversations which took place last night and tonight..

I still have not told him that I am with JC now..

I am not sure if I ever told you about this girl that he used to talk to but I did not care for her lifestyle.. She was an addict and unfortunately she lost her husband and young daughter in a car accident (possibly due drugs)..

Anyway, the reason that I gave back the engagement ring last year was because he lied to me one night. He was on the phone with this girl and he lied about it.. Later on when I had confronted him he still continued to lie right to my face..

That is also the reason of the end of us again. After he took the "break" or what he termed "vacation" from us, he said that he was not talking to anyone.. or interested in finding a girlfriend.. I did explain to him that I had not handled the "vacation" well and that I just wanted him to be honest because I did not want to find out later on down the road that he had in fact been talking to other women.. Well, we both know the outcome.. He had been sending picture messages of his private area to women who had also been sending picture messages of their private areas as well.. He said that it was only "phone sex" and he also told me that what he did then was only a "phase"...

Anyway, the girl that was his friend when he was younger who had lost her husband and young daughter met up with him a month ago. He told that her mother who met me at the funeral asked him where his beautiful girlfriend was and he said that I was no longer his girlfriend. He also said that the girl said that I was too good for him and that he had too much of a temper..

He told me that he did not feel stupid telling them that we broke up. I said that maybe he would have felt stupid because he was the one who screwed things up between us once again.. He said that he did not feel stupid at all because he said that people break up all the time. I think that it was quite interesting because if that is the case, then why has he tried calling and texting me again ?? I know that he wishes for us to remain friends but I do not think that is even a possibility. I cannot be friends with him at all....

I wanted to tell him tonight that I was involved with someone or that I have someone who is living with me but I just could not do it, Mich. I do not know why. It is not like I want to string him along and let him think that there is even a possibility of us getting back together. I know in my heart that I do not love him anymore.
I know and understand that he is NOT good for me at all. He only brings me down and does not have any respect for me..

JC has been talking to her mother since the arguement that we had the other night. Her mother explained to her that by talking to him, it might be my way of letting go and her mother told her that she cannot control it..

She was very angry the other night. I did understand how she had felt but I did not like the threats that she used.. She told me that I had to leave a message for him and she would be there right in front of me..

Then when I told her no that I would not do that, she then proceeded to tell me that if I continued to talk to him that it was over and she would leave.
I did not beg and plead with her. I did tell her that if she was to leave she is not to do it in front of the boys and also that if she does leave, to leave the house key and more importantly, she will never be able to return. I told her that my children have been through enough..

She has since apologized to me and I am grateful that we were able to talk about it together. I told her that I am done with games and that things do not happen for a reason, things happen because of the choices we all make.

Just like pondscum, he made a choice and now he has to live with the choice that he made.
The same goes for all of us.

That is why I am always trying with the boys to make them independent and autonomous.. I want them to understand that there are consequences to the actions that we take--- and that it could be positive and negative...

What I have discovered, however, that the issues that I do have with JC has nothing to do with us both being females. Like I told my mother, it is NOT a gender issue.. It is a relationship issue whether I was with her or a guy..

I am thinking of you and I love you MICh very much..
Thanks for all the kind words and the hugs... and thank you for being you -----

my friend

my sister.....

love.
NEED
Anyway, sorry to ramble....

I do love you Mich...

February 16, 2007
12:16 am
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needtoheal
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Mich---

I think that JC is a wonderful person and I do feel that she does care a lot about me.. I think that we have a lot in common and I know that we can communicate well..

I did tell her therapist that I have been in two codependent relationships previous to being with her..

She does have a tendency to become quite clingy. I have been able to communicate to her that I do need some space. For example, when she told me that we have a therapy appointment tomorrow I told her that I am unable to go. The boys are off from school and I need to spend some time with them by myself before they leave to go with their father for the weekend.. She understood. I am proud of myself because I am learning to assert myself and take the time that I need for myself and the boys as well..

She also wanted to deposit money into my checking account so that I could pay a bill with a check by phone so that the payment would get there faster. I told her that I am unable to do that. I do trust her and I know that she would give me the money to cover the check but, to me, she needs to be responsible and accountable for herself.. I do want to sound like I am being mean but I guess I have learned to be more independent by being a single parent for over five years now..

Mich--

Just know that I love and care about you very much....

Thanks again for being my friend...

love,
NEED

February 16, 2007
12:38 pm
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Missing you Mich

love,
NEED

((AUNTIE MICH)) --- the boys wanted to send a hug to you

February 16, 2007
12:40 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Need, I needed the hug right now, thanks so much. You have no idea how perfect your timing is....

All four of my kids are sick, and I am extremely emotional at the moment...

I love you...

Mich

February 16, 2007
12:52 pm
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needtoheal
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WOW MIch I am feeling the same way although the boys are not sick... I hope that they are feeling better soon...

I am feeling emotional and I am not so sure what it is all about.. I think the stress is getting to me.. finances, JC, Pondscum.....

I love you Mich

The boys joined an online club where kids can talk.. It is really cute and safe.. It was funny because the other day Matt said that he was talking to a friend and he was wondering if I still talk to my friends.. his aunties... I said yes so he told me that he sends his love ... They want to know if you would like to order from Sloppy Joe's today? Free sandwhiches for you and their cousins... Matt said that he will fly it out to you EXPRESS since the kids are not feeling well today.. !!!!!

love you

thinking of you

NEED

February 16, 2007
12:57 pm
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Trish,

I don't know exactly what my issue is today. I am really having some issues. I am so tired, and I am PMSing so I am sure that is part of it. Sometimes, I still wish that I could just TALK to you. Things are so hard today and yesterday. I feel lost, and almost alone, yet I KNOW in my heart that I am NOT alone, and truly, far from it. I just want to hide for a few days. It is a day like I used to have. Haven't had one to this extreme in a while. But I know that it has been a TOUGH week. But my time away is coming.

Are things ok with JC now, or are things still a little rough there?

I love you....

Mandy

February 16, 2007
2:07 pm
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I just posted to GG about things here.. I cannot handle things today.. Maybe I am PMSing as well.. I do not know why I am feeling so erratic.. Seems like I am filled with worries..

love,
NEED

February 19, 2007
11:42 am
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Need,

How are you doing honey? Sounds like you are doing some things to try to take care of yourself from what I read on the other thread. That is good. I hope that you don't give up trying to heal your past. I know that it seems easy to do when things seem to be going good for the time being. I DO understand that. But, Need, be careful because that stuff will creep back up on you, if it is not dealt with thoroughly. I am not trying to sound like a mom or anything else...just a concerned friend. I care about you highly, and I worry about you and your healing of the past. I AM glad that you have found someone that you are happy with, and that treats you good. I am so glad to hear that you enjoy spending time with her. That is GREAT. Just don't forget to take care of my Sweet Need, OK??

Well, all of your nieces and nephews are sick. Alex isn't too bad, but the rest of them are doing horrible. So therefore, they have a VERY tired Mama. I will survive though...I always do. I miss you sweet sister. I hope that youare doing ok...

How are my nephews doing?

I love ya.

Mich

(((Need)))

February 19, 2007
7:14 pm
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Hi Mich--

Sorry to hear about the kids being sick... I know how it can be so draining...

The boys are doing well.. I had to work today so they got to spend some time over at my parent's house with my niece and nephew who they don't get to see that often..

I am doing alright.. JC is just so insecure about PS calling., even when I do not even answer his calls..

Last night he called. The cell phone was downstairs and I was upstairs. She came upstairs and tossed the phone at me and said that it was him.. She looked at it when it was vibrating and saw his name. She said she wanted to know who the heck would be calling me at 11:30 at night..

Mich-- I am so messed up.. I don't talk to him as much as I used to but sometimes I do talk to him. We don't have a real lengthy conversation.. Just what's up and things like that. I have not mentioned that I am involved with her and I still think that bothers her a lot..

He was there that night at the bowling alley when JC was there with me and her twin sister.. He does not know that I was talking to her just before we were leaving the bowling alley and she said that she wanted to give me a ride home. I think he knows that she was attracted to me because I do remember him making a comment.

Other than that, I am trying to take care of myself and I am grateful for the reminder.

I agree with you that old issues can certainly come creeping back without even realizing it.
Thanks for caring so much about me.
I feel the same way about you MICh..
I really am so glad that I have gotten to know you and I do appreciate having you in my life..

love.
NEED

February 19, 2007
11:23 pm
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Need,

Are you starting to question your relationship with JC? Are you missing PS? You can be honest with me!! I won't bite. What are you afraid of with telling him about JC? Are you insecure in the choice that you have made? Are you feeling like maybe it was the wrong choice? Talk to me Need. What is on your mind. You are being a little vague in some things, and that is ok. I just am curious, and I will explain why...but I am trying to figure something out in my head. Wondering if you are where I once was. Or something similar. I am just thinking here...Can you see spending the rest of your life with JC? Or any woman? Is that something that you ever questioned before? You don't have to answer ANY of these questions....PERIOD. I am just trying to think. Trying to help you make things clear maybe in your own head.

I love you Need. VERY MUCH. Keep your chin up. I am here for you, and I will be here for you.

Love, Mich

(((Need)))

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