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foolfool - not a fool...look inside here
May 29, 2007
11:38 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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you said on another thread - how do you give icy silence so they KNOW why you are doing it.

It doesn't matter WHY you are doing it, or what their interpretation why is.

You can't control how they view it.

Consider this - no matter WHAT you do - her life is going to go on, with or without you - happy or sad. She is going to keep doing what she does.

You say you want her to know how much she hurts, to feel guilty for it.

She can't.

If she had ANY sense of right or wrong, she would...but give she cheated the whole time, starting two weeks after you married - her sense of right or wrong - morals and values - don't measure the same as yours and mine.

She has no sense of shame or guilt or she would never have done this repeatedly to you.

So, she CAN'T feel guilty and no matter what you do, it isn't going to make a damn bit of difference. And the more you do - the more she is going to point at you and say "see, she IS nuts, she IS crazy, I WAS right to leave her - just look at what she is doing to me".

That is what she is saying to her new partner...and how she can get away with feeling no blame.

Is it right??? Damn right it isn't. But that's in our minds...not hers...her moral compass points in a different direction.

I am the type of person who wants to win...comes from having arguments with my dad and always running out in tears cuz I just couldn't handle it...cuz he would make me feel frustrated....then he would say "see, you are a crybaby, go to your room"....and other hurtful things. He HAD to reduce me to tears to feel superior over me. When in fact, I was alot smarter than him...so that was his coping mechanism...he pushed my buttons until I cracked. And he did it well.

So, when I dated a guy who pushed the same buttons...I WANTED to win. FOR ONCE, I wanted to be right. To be heard. To be correct.

So, when we broke up, I repeatedly repeatedly repeatedly went back at him, trying to make him feel like shit, trying to make him feel guilty...trying to make him pay for the pain he caused me.

But in the end, all it accomplished was prolonging MY pain. Cuz no matter what he said or did, it wasn't enough. Hell, he even threatened suicide and that wasn't enough...in fact, I got sucked into trying to talk him out of it. You see, you just get sucked in...each time.

And it only makes THEM feel like you are the unstable one...they twist in such a way that they feel justified in what they did.

I HAD to win.

I WANTED the last word.

What I learned here was that silence is the deadliest weapon and that it WAS the last word. That I DID win. I won my dignity, my self respect, my life back.

think of this - you go from raving/raging at her to dead silence - do you REALLY think she isn't going to notice and question it? do you REALLY think she is going to think "gee, she must respect me enough to leave me alone"?

No, she is going to notice the change in your behaviour...and notice something is up.

Also consider this - all the time and energy you spend fussing over her - is a waste - and giving HER power OVER YOU. Do you want her to continue to have that power? I don't think you do.

And I also think she KNOWS she has the power over you - and enjoys that power. She ENJOYS knowing you are still wanting her. She ENJOYS knowing you are fussing over her.

Even if she doesn't want you, she still enjoys the ego stroking of knowing you are still thinking about her enough to come up with the revenge you did...that shows her how much she is still in your head and heart.

You want to take back your power? Have the best revenge?

Put all those thoughts, those energies back into you...focus on you...live your life the best you can...show her you don't need her...that you are done with her...prove you are the better person - live well, live happy, live healthy...it's the best revenge.

and silence is the best weapon.

Your past won't become your past until you allow it to.

May 29, 2007
2:51 pm
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StronginHim77
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Rising -

You got me standing up and applauding! What a great explanation of the power of "No Contact/Silence!"

- Ma Strong

May 29, 2007
2:57 pm
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Anonymous
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Rising:

EXCELLENT! Thanks!

Moon & Stars

ps: congratulations! 🙂

May 29, 2007
8:09 pm
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foolfoolfool
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Rising. Thank you!

You make a LOT of sense to me.

AS you wrote on the "icy silence" thread i DO seem to hold the other woman accountable for a lot of this and tend to "pity" my ex more than blame her. The funny thing is that she (the other woman) is and has done exactly what i have done myself & that is she allowed herself to be manipulated & lied to & tried with all of her might to "stand" for the person she loves for nearly as long as i have. Ironic really! So maybe all the name calling is the anger i feel for myself??? I got REALLY angry when she said, how dare "I" come into "their" relationship... it blew my mind because she was at our commitment ceremony & only 2 weeks later in bed with my wife!!! So i hold onto the fact that she had such disregard FIRST and have NO guilt about doing the same to her. I guess i have had my revenge on her and today i actually feel sorry for her!... Maybe for the 1st time because i see myself in her... So BLINDED by the manipulations of this borderline nutcase. For she now has to take on this pain all on her own because NOW she has the TRUTH and she STILL wants to "stand by her girl" FOOL!!!

Im beginning to see that the icy silence is really the only way. My anger has decreased somewhat & i am beginning to look at the bigger picture, which is ME! I realise now that they WILL have their karma and that i am not in control of theirs, only of mine & that if i continue to "want" to "plant" their karma i too will have some coming to me. Also realising that i am 41 and if i dont shake this crap once & for all i will be dead & burried before i get to experience the REAL stuff of life & love.

I am a little frightened today because i feel i have reached a point where i can see a speck of light in the distance, i am calmly enthusiastic about my future & understand with the right ingredients i can make a better life for myself. I havent spoken to or heard from my ex for 4 days now, the last contact was via text msg. Her apologising & listing all of the things she had done to hurt me & me replying with "forgiven, now PLEASE do something good & real with your life & PLEASE leave me alone". I thought if i "forgave" her she may leave me be, as a sort of a closure, rather than leaving things open to fight about. Anyway last night & this morning i have had 2 calls where the person on the other end listens, says nothing & then hangs up. This is typical of my exes behaviour & has done that on numerous occassions apparently "just to here my voice"... I am READY for her to be GONE. I know now that "icy silence" is speaking for me and its getting to her But i REALLY want her to get that i just want her GONE. I dont want to be reminded! I dont want to freak out everytime my phone rings or a text msg comes through to my phone.

I AM GOING INSANE!!!! 2days ago i wanted nothing BUT acknowledgement & NOW i want to be left alone! Fortunately she knows nothing but what i wrote forgiving her. I dont want her to know of the emotional turmoil & the proccess that has got me to the point where i am at now. Because if she knew how vunerable i am she would go for the kill & no doubt i would "almost" get sucked in AGAIN.

Rising, i dont know if you or any of the other wonderful "angels" in here even realise how inspiring & life changing your words are. Who'd have thought that jumping on a computer & writing to complete strangers could project so much human kindness? The world REALLY is an amazing place & for every asshole that comes into our lives two angels appear to wipe up their mess & restore our faith in human kind!!!

THANK YOU

THANK YOU

THANK YOU

Fool

May 30, 2007
8:51 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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fool no more.

unfortunately, that aggravation of getting those calls may continue for a while.

I suggest not answering the phone unless you recognize the number...or letting all calls go to voice mail and returning the ones you desire.

I know about the jumpy feeling, that leads to a sick feeling when you answer the phone and realize it's them.

And because you requested that she leave you alone - of COURSE - she is going to turn up the heat...cuz he now feels like she is losing control...losing her power over you.

Who knows...perhaps she is playing the same game with her new partner...perhaps she is telling her new partner that if she doesn't do what she wants, she can always return to you, cuz she knows you still want her. Yes, the new partner IS in your position and IS behaving much like you did.

I think it was a wonderful insight on your part to recognize that your anger towards here was a projection of your anger towards yourself...seeing you in her and not liking it. Good for you for seeing this.

All I can say, is continue with the silence. And if the harrassment continues, perhaps you will need some kind of protective order.

But it may just die off once she realizes you aren't gonna play the game anymore.

It's like a cat with a bird they just killed....going back to taunt it, to see if it's really dead or has an ounce of life left in it...so it can continue to torture it some more.

Your ex may continue, but she may not...only time will tell.

Just keep doing the right thing and eventually, the right things will start happening to you.

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