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flipped out and feeling bad
June 27, 2006
10:17 pm
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bowlinggreen
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I lost my temper yesterday and felt shitty about it all day.

My sister is in town and she's so damn wonderful. My lover came over to visit with us and the two of them got into a very long conversation which I knew they would because they're both talkers. Everytime I tried to say something, my man shooed me away like a fly and they'd make little jokes about me. Probably harmless if I were feeling thick skinned but I wasn't that day. I had been missing him a lot and I didn't get any attention so I blew up and threw him out like a maniac.

Yes, it's stupid, and I'm well into adulthood. It triggered that GOOD OLD feeling from childhood. My sister has a vision and hearing disorder. She's legally blind but she can see a little bit, and she wears two hearing aids. When we were kids, my parents wanted her to do well and they poured a lot of love and attention into her. At the dinner table she'd tell a 45 minute long story about a button that fell off a dress and when it was my turn, I'd get 5 minutes to talk about the arm I broke that day in gym. That's not an actual example, I'm just trying to make a point that my heartaches got very little aritime and all her thoughts and concerns which to me seemed frivolous seemed to get very little.

I thought I had worked this out but that damn feeling just came at me and overwhelmed me.

I love my sister but I need attention too even if I'm an adult with perfect vision and hearing.

Apologies have been made by me to all parties. But am I wrong? Probably not wrong for feeling how I feel but wrong in blowing up...

June 27, 2006
10:18 pm
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bowlinggreen
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whoops typo:

I'm just trying to make a point that my heartaches got very little aritime and all her thoughts and concerns which to me seemed frivolous seemed to get A LOT.

June 27, 2006
11:00 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi BW....me again,

I don't want to say it was "wrong" to blow up but perhaps it could have been handled differently?

Try not to beat yourself up about it. You are human and sometimes we humans let our emotions get the better of us. I also have a tendency to blow up and then feel guilty after the fact. That is one of the great things about Step 10.....continued to take personal inventory and when wrong...promptly admitted it. That step has been a great help in relieving me of the guilt I feel when I act in a way that goes against the person I want to be.

Have you ever discussed your feelings with your sister? Perhaps if you were able to tell her how you feel she will be more considerate in the future and give you time to participate with everyone as she does.

Same goes for b/f. If he understands WHY you behaved the way you did....maybe he could make an effort in the future to help you feel included.

I hope this helped.

Lolli

June 27, 2006
11:06 pm
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readyforachange
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((((bowlinggreen))) No, you are not wrong in feeling the way you do. Your reaction - or overreaction as it were - was probably a compilation of the hurt you have felt for many years.

I think, even though apologies have been made, you should explain to your BF and your sister exactly how you were feeling. It probably won't do much for them, but I think it would help you greatly to explain - especially to your sister - how you have felt. Take care of that inner child.

I am the third of four girls. My two older sisters are gifted...brilliant, went to special schools for gifted kids. I'm average. I constantly felt ignored as a child, not only because I was younger, but because I just couldn't keep up with the conversation. My younger sister was born when I was 8, and I was given the chore of taking care of her. While my parents took my older sisters places, I stayed home to babysit.

To this day, I have this feeling of being "invisible". People I have known for years often don't listen to me, or acknowledge me in public places. People I consider friends don't seem to call, or include me...unless I make the first move.

It is an issue I deal with all the time. I think standing up for yourself in this one, probably pretty safe situation would be helpful.

If only I could practice what I preach 🙂

June 28, 2006
4:57 am
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bowlinggreen
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Thanks Lolli and Ready:
Yes, it did lead to some very emotional heart-to-heart purging between my sister and I. If my parents could have seen it they would have killed me. We were not a family of 'heart to heart" purgers. When I met my bf, he's an Italian and very emotive, so I got to purge a lot through this relationship. It was OK to be emotional but you know, I am always left feeling like a freak.

When I was a teenager, I resorted to some creative ways to control my emotions, because they were so intense and there was nothing I could do with them. I always turned my emotions against myself, and used drugs and chemicals to manage them. I despise the fact that I did this now, because I feel that this shit is damaging.

I do love my sister, but I just don't feel very much sometimes. The years of chemical abuse finally did the trick and killed off most troublesome feelings.

June 28, 2006
6:56 am
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codep
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Bowlinggreen,

Dont be so hard on yourself, It sounds like you have dealt with alot of adversity in your life and you are dealing with it the best way that you can.

Feeling guilty for blowing up and still loving your sister without resentment for all the attention she got as a child sounds like you're a very strong, loving person.
You've already came a long way..
You just have to love yourself now! (((bowlinggreen)))

June 28, 2006
5:48 pm
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Well put, codep.

Bowling, hello. It seems to me that losing one's temper often is the valve that releases pent-up feelings and leads to getting things out there so we can confront them. So it's probably a good thing.

I really don't know how many purges one relationship can handle or needs, however.

My sister was the "difficult" child. We all sort of tip-toed around her feelings. I think she might have gotten a feeling of tolerance from the rest of the family. Perhaps all these yrs later that is still what she feels and the next-best thing to really feeling loved is at least controlling all the attention.....

READY, you are SO not "average"!! Doesn't happen that the 1st 2 kids are gifted and then an average child shows up to babysit.

My friend was the 3rd child of 5 and considered so bright that the parents chose him as the ONE they sent to an expensive boarding school. The rest went to public school, college, got good grades, good jobs, successful careers. My friend is the black sheep. He came within 2 credits of college graduation and never finished. His life was a lot of drinking and under-achieving for quite a while before he found his way. I think those parents of his sort of tried to paint a path for everyone and didn't realize the things that would follow.

Feeling like a freak. I guess it wasn't cool to lose your temper growing up either. I see my husband slide into a sort of self-righteousness and a smug look comes over him when he is still calm and I've lost it. He can then totally justify his crzy-making behavior. It is important to remember how much right you have to your own feelings. Just be ever so careful your valid feelings do not get seen as a chip on your shoulder. Keep the balance of aprreciation and criticism.

June 28, 2006
6:48 pm
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smarterone
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I wouldnt think twice about it anymore. its over with, but i do understand. Were only human, and control so much. You were really feeling low and it happened. Sometimes it doesnt take much to trigger things from the past and then it is uncontrollable. Cheer up, we love you

June 28, 2006
10:53 pm
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bowlinggreen
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You guys are so great!

((((((you guys from AAC))))))

Ready, you say you feel invisible... I'll bet that at one point, you decided that you are invisible, and now you're giving off invisible vibes... I have a hunch that if you were to try some Louise Hay style affirmations. (as goofy as the idea sounds!!) and just look in the mirror each morning and then a few times a day when the feeling hits and saying "I'm visible... I allow myself to be seen", you can get that invisibility to disappear.

Louise Hay affirmations are goofy, but they do work. I don't wantcha to feel that way.... I want you to shine like a lightnin' bug!! 🙂

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