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April 8, 2001
6:12 pm
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Molly
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We are soooooo, to much, I figured the flash back was DUH for a reason, figured she would get it sooner or later, don't we always know the why? Sometimes to preoccupied to GET IT!!!!!!! I could use one of those Ice cream and alcohol weekends, its comming though. Great to hear some sunshine in her postings again. Celebrate the joy of the moment.

April 9, 2001
12:50 pm
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Cici
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I know what you mean about turning on the charm. I came home on Saturday after having a relaxing evening and then a day of caring for my nieces while my sister got out on her own. I called my Dad while I was still in Tallahassee and my fiancee was over there, talking to my Dad about growing up and maturing and marriage.

I got back and he had gottena hotel room. I went with himand there were flowers and candles all over the place and chocolate, ooooooh how evil. He knows my weak spots. He brought out "Toward a Psychology of Being" and pointed to passages he thought were particularly informative.

On the drive up and back I talked to my mom about it. She said that she thought we were too dependent on each other. But of course in comparison to my two brothers-in-law, he is better in her eyes. She loves him to death. So does my Dad. They both told me to just calm down.

I know I can get overly emotional a lot. Too much, really. I find myself second-guessing everything. Like, he wasn't home when I got home, so I flipped out and went postal. I was shaing with rage and I became physically violent. I punched him in the face several times and scrathed him near his eyes. He held my arms around me until I broke down and was just sobbing like a little child, still shaking uncontrollably. I slapped him. I could barely see and I was trying to crive away, where to I don't know. He took my keys away, which was in retrospect a good idea because I would've gotten into a wreck if I had driven. NO doubt about it.

While I was shaking and crying I kept repeating, "don't leave me alone, please don't leave me alone, i hate you i hate you i hate you". Nervous breakdown. The whole time he just held my arms down and rocked me until I was calm. I'm crying even now, it was a very emotional scene.

I don't know anything any more. I can't concentrate on anything. My whole body keeps shaking intermittmently. My hands especially. It's been hard to type lately.I feel dumb. I haven't gone to class in three weeks.

He carried me to my bed and i sat on it and wrapped my arms around my waist and rocked and rocked I am losing it ocmpletely here, people. I don't know anything any more.

Is it flashabcks? Am I just going crazy? Maybe I have mad cow disease, ha ha. I did eat beef in England in 1995. Hmmmmm. Ha ha ha. My Mom has a tumor on her foot. She is worried about it and is probably going to get a biopsy done soon.

April 9, 2001
1:11 pm
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Ladeska
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Cici....It does seem apparent that you guys are very dependent upon each other. So, what were you thinking when you came home and he wasn't there?

And how did your weekend go? Did you actually have fun? Could you allow yourself to do that?

Mad cow? That's MY line!!! LOL! Been using that one lately. It works. Need a new excuse for being psycho!! It's either that or those stinking aliens that keep following me around transmitting thoughts into my head. Hate it when that happens. Makes it worse when I actually understand their language....EEK! (smile)

April 9, 2001
4:22 pm
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Molly
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Far be it from me the drug and alcohol counselor to perscribe an RX, but sweetie, what about a 1mg antivan, just to give the old brain a rest, you have more anxiety than the remaining sheep in Europe. It could give you a couple of days of sleep, and let you get off the I must make a decision now track? There is to much one thing right after another slap, punch, bam, your poor little brain starts to coast, and zing a curve. Sometimes we need to let go, and zone out for a while, not talking substance abuse her, but substance use. Don't forget drugs work, I my self succombed to robitussin this weekend for the first time in years, it helped. Think about it, then call some one you trust for a 10 day rx

April 10, 2001
1:10 pm
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Cici
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Talked to my therapist yesterday. she had a different take on the situation. She thinks that my anxiety and depression are directly related to suppressing anger. Like, I've built up all this anger inside at my rapists, old boyfriends, my parents, life, but since I discount my own emotions in deference to others, I have no way to healthily express any anger at all.

So, according to her my fiancee was just a scapegoat, although he may have done things to irritate me, my raging response was out of proportion and kind of out of context.

My Dad said the same thing about my fiancee and I being too dependent on each other. So I'm to do more activities without him. Thursday I spend with one friend, Friday I have lunch with a group of female friends.

My assignment this week is to:
a) not try to label my anger, especiallyif trying to find the cause is causing more frustration
b) do something with that energy, like walking, running or sit-ups.

I did the walking thing with my dogs yesterday and then did some pilates floor exercises. I felt much better, calmer, with a clearer head. I don't want to make a decision about my relationship while I'm still dealing with my rape issues, because one issue is clouding the other. For now, we will start to separate more and learn how tobe independent.

April 10, 2001
1:14 pm
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eve
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congrats, that sounds like some good sorting process that you are up to. Wish you the best!

April 10, 2001
1:30 pm
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Ladeska
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Cici....she's right on. Ditto, ditto. And of course you have pent-up anger. Why wouldn't you? LIke we know what to do with that stuff when we're this close up, right? Great counseling though. One step at a time, one day at a time, but you definitely have to have structure to your day and have boundaries that you stay inside of....

April 11, 2001
11:17 am
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Cici
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Yes. You don't know how much you have helped me, Ladeska! I feel like my lifehas really changed, like for the first time since I was raped I am actually present, here, now, not hiding behind a facade of emotions.

April 11, 2001
4:57 pm
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Ladeska
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You're so much welcome, cutie pie. And we're so glad to see you peeping out from behind those facade thingies. They don't look a thing like you!! You're way prettier!

I just think it's so freaking cool when people finally get the concept that they can FEEL and have the right to do that!! Rape and incest victims especially don't get that one. I actually have alot of fun with the people I work with and sometimes they are too funny with all their little compulsive hangups regarding themselves. And I think I literally scare the hell out of them with some of the things I do. (smile) Sometimes we have mud therapy......we actually go play in the mud. Really bothers some women......I mean "seriously" bothers them. Can't get dirty, it represents so much to them. Very symbolic. But, once they get over the hurdle with it....Oh Boy - look out! Got a bunch of MUD QUEENS on my hands! No....we don't do the mud wrestling thing! (smile)

But, I do get a kick out of watching the metamorphisis that occurs with them. Sometimes, I just roll on the floor because like one girl I work with now - she's so cute when she gets mad now because she's so Out with it! Whereas before, she'd feel guilty or cover it up or whatever. And now - she's like - I'M DAMNED MAD ABOUT THIS!!! AND I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE, TOO!" Is just too funny. And so what if they get a little loopy in doing all that, who cares? And if someone does - screw em. Get a life and get over it. You're going to swing wide one way and then another until you balance out. Is to be expected after you've been locked in a 4 x 4 cell, right?

So....it's much more of a blessing for "me" to watch all you ladies bloom and do your dance. Who cares if your underwear is hanging out or on your head or if you're wearing a flower in your nose and painting your new car with red fingernail polish....Hey, if it makes you feel good after you've been locked up for so long - Go For It! In the spirit of Patch Adams.....we should live our lives.....hey, if you want to put jello in a wading pool outside and sit in it with a rubber chicken on your head - as long as you can live with the pictures afterwards - Just Do It!

So glad you're doing better, Cici.....you wanted to "go here". You remember that..... That "wanting to" mechanism - will take you all the way - through.....

April 16, 2001
12:57 am
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Ladeska
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Cici...where are you, how are you??

April 16, 2001
5:39 pm
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Ladeska
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.....drum rolling fingers across the desk.....whistling......making paper airplanes......finding gum stuck under seat......found money in my pocket (smile) where oh where can she be.....? I know....you ran off with the gypsies, belly dancing your way across Europe, right?

April 18, 2001
12:42 am
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Kimberly Anne
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Hello Everyone:)

My name is Kimberly Anne and I am a SAHM with a three year old daughter and my best friend here is Ladeska!

Been reading through alot of the threads and believe me, I can relate to most of it.

Gotta go now, its really late, but wanted to say hello to everyone and introduce myself:)

Blessings,
Kimberly

April 18, 2001
10:48 am
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Cici
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Oh, nooooo, Ladeska, even better. I was arrested on Sunday night and spent the night in jail. I won't even go into how horrible and traumatizing the experience was, form being strip searched and made fun of to being isolated in a concrete jail cell for 7 hours straight, to getting my freggin period while I was there and being mocked even more because I was the only female inmate.

For what? "Tresspassing" at a local swimming hole. The redneck who is prosecuting us is in the midst of prosecuting about 75 other people for the same charge. Last weekend, 20 people were arrested in all for the same offense and Monday night a church group was arrested and are being prosecuted.

UUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

April 18, 2001
11:03 am
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Molly
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Strip searched, and jailed for tresspassing, just what kind of a small town are you in, for crying out loud, with the exception of your discomfort, it coulda sorta been funny, I mean this whole last month for you is starting to sound like a good script Cici, try to find the humor, I am so sorry for the distress, but you have to admit, this is like the last thing on earth any one could expect. You ok?

April 18, 2001
11:08 am
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Ladeska
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Cici......EXCUSE ME??????? Um, I think you better get a lawyer and fast. Strip searched for WHAT?? Good Grief! So sorry....you needed this like a hole in your head! Geez Louise...well please let me know how it goes with all this, but something just doesn't sound right here. You just remember that you have rights here, too. Yes, trespassing is a law and if you guys broke it - well....they have a right to raid you and arrest you. This is true enough....but, just be sure that the way treat you in al of this is within the law. Man, what a nightmare!

April 18, 2001
1:26 pm
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Cici
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Oh yeah, more than I would ever have wanted. And yes, it is a po-dunk small town because everyone else at the jail when we got there had been arrested for the SAME THING at the SAME PLACE.

First of all we weren't read out rights at any time during or after the arrest. The arrest reports were not signed by any of us and there are written statements attributed to us that we didn't say.

Secondly, one of the officers threatened to shoot us. One of my friends got up from sitting by his car to grab his pack of ciagrettes and the cop yelled, "Where you gon' boy? You tryin to run? Been a long time since i had to shoot a moving target." oooooo-kay.

Thirdly, while I was in jail (the only female there), they left all the cell doors open for about 5 hours. That could have endangered any of the other prisoners, too.

Fourth, this swimming hole has been a recreational site of over 30 years. The property manager detained us outside of the actual proptery, and explained how he picked and chose who to prosecute. I was telling a friend the story today and she said that she had been caught tresspassing at the same spot and had been warned and let go. Racism? Hmmm. I was marked as "asian" in the arrest report, and another friend there is Korean.

I mean, if the police hadn't been so incompetant I wouldn't have a problem with them, but they totally messed up and I can't let that slide.

Then yesterday what was on the front page of the college newspaper? An article stating our names and that we were UF students. Another article was in the local paper. Except the college paper article was almost completely fabricated and wrong in every detail except for the fact that we were arrested. The article stated that we "could not be reached for comment" but I have caller ID and no one I didn't know has called me.

I feel like God is smiting me all over the place, and one ugly incident is dribbling across my life. My parents want to sue the paper for lying it the article. I just want to crawl into a hole and not come out for a long time. Or move to Fiji.

April 18, 2001
3:48 pm
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Ladeska
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Cici....listen to me....you CANNOT crawl into a hole with this one, kiddo!!! Oh no, no, no......this STINKS and you need to scream it to the mountain tops and make a case out of it!!!!

Get everyone together and have a meeting....all of you who were arrested. You need to put together a report, a good recollection of what happened - everything you just said here and anything else you left out. You need to all sign it, have it notarized and take it to an attorney - one "definitely" not in the area.

Do you live in the south by chance? Sounds like it. But, there are small-town attitudes elsewhere than the south, that's for sure and racism also, isn't just in the south. But, sure does sound like some ignorant good ole boy attitudes flyin' around.

But you need to hit them and hit them hard and do it now - do not wait - get on it. You have civil rights here. I'd contact the ACLU like "now". They'll get you guys an attorney out there - ASAP. This is what they are for - utilize them. But, you need to be united and you need to get everything down before you lose it and forget. So, get on it girl. No crawling in a hole just yet!

And this isn't God smitting you, sweetheart. Most probably, the "other guy" that doesn't want you to get healed on get on your feet - SO GET UP AND FIGHT!!! C'mon, take off the bathrobe, go brush your teeth, take a leak, grab a soda, a candy bar and let's get back in the ring here. Don't whimp out on me here....you know you want to kick butt, so let's DO IT! They SOOOO stepped in it and you SOOOO need to nail them to the wall for it!!!!

April 18, 2001
4:19 pm
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Molly
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Great opportunity to demonstrate some of that pent up anger, and gee what a gift to a lawyer, damages, emotional damages, cry out loud, scream, but go for the main artery. Aerobics!!!

April 18, 2001
6:20 pm
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Ladeska
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SIC EM, CICI!!!!!!! Be an Erin Brochavich!!!!! I DETEST small town crap like this. I grew up in it and there is nothing worse. They think they are accountable to NO ONE! It's "their little law" and "their little town". Well, it's time for them to realize - it's not all "about them". It just involved "you".....AND YOU MATTER!

April 18, 2001
7:20 pm
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Kimberly Anne
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umm...I think i said hello here? quite a few times already? or am i interupting here?

Peace,
Kimberly

April 18, 2001
11:28 pm
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Ladeska
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Hi Kim! (smile) No, we're just rather irrate right now at this whole thing.

April 19, 2001
2:04 pm
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Cici
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Hi Kim...

talked to a lawyer today. Yes, I live in the South. Although other southerners refer to FL as the NY of the south because of S. FL - Miami, basically.

She said that the charges may be dropped tomorrow after she gets done talking with the State attorney. Hah! That'll stick it to that fat good ol' boy, that's for sure. I feel a lot better now that the lawyer is taking care of everything. Sigh. Girding my loins. Haven't done THAT in a while.

April 19, 2001
2:12 pm
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Ladeska
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Cici....yep, I figured that's where you were living....so very familiar with all that. HATE IT!!!! Grrrr...... Oh yeah, their butt could be in the noose - but good for alot of things here. Big, huge time. And you better watch yourself as far as retaliation is concerned. Good ole southern boys pride themselves in that. WALLL, we ain't takin' THAT layin' down, now are we boys! Oh yeah, know these guys mentality. Same mindset as a snake.

If I were you - I wouldn't just threaten.... I'd take them to task. Otherwise, they aren't going to learn squat - ya know? They won't "learn" anyways, but they have to get a smack that hurts so that they think twice next time. It's high time - the south - got with the program and stopped living like - terrorists. And I have little use for alot of people that call themselves "christians" down there and do the same damned thing. Um....no. So, you stick it to em and don't give one inch. I'm serious about ACLU thing. They will be on this, I think, if you talk to them. And they need to be one this.....

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