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April 3, 2001
11:12 am
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Ladeska
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Cici.....if you would like to talk in private, you can email me at [email protected] I only check that at night, but would love to talk to you there if you want to. Here is great, too. Just want to be more accessible to you and make you feel comfortable and most of all - just be a friend who "understands". (smile) how are you today?

April 3, 2001
12:42 pm
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Cici
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Hmm. This is not something I really thought about. A birth taking place, a painful experience with meaning. I thought I was just trudging through pain for pain's sake, that has been my constant companion.

Taking time off? I have been taking time off, ha ha. I didn't go to class all last week. I went to my internship one day only. And what did I do with my time otherwise? I couldn't tell you. I laid in my bed and stared at the ceiling. I watched TV and all those wonderful new channels. I slept.

I can take time off here and there, but this has always been my problem in college, why I always seem to be clinging to the edge of "getting by" rather than walking confidently.

I try to shut off everything to a dull roar. That has been my goal since I started trying to meditate. But it's like my brain filter is malfunctioning. I start to have intrusive thoughts about things that I just don't want to think about right now. So I have learned to be skillful at forcing myself to forget, not forgetbut just be unmindful. Blank. The more I try, the more the thoughts intrude. The more they intrude, the more I try. It's cognitivism at it's worst. Faulty patterns of thinking become behaviorally ingrained into your life. You start to identify yourself through those patterns. You lose your real identity.

To tell you the truth, I am scared to death of what that little girl will say to me. She's been buried alive, my worst fear from childhood, for nine years. Almost ten. I will try, though. Let it not be said that I was instrumental in my own psychological downfall.

You always hurt the one you love. I told my fiancee about "the grossness" as I like to call it. A feeling of complete disgust toward men. I get it all the time, especially toward the man I have sex with. It has ruined basically every single relationship that I've had since my second rape. THere comes a point when all I feel when I look at the man is disgust. He is repellant, repulsive, everything that I hate. When he touches me, my skin crawls like there are a thousand cockroaches skittering across my skin.

I know it's displaced disgust. Because I can get away from the man, I take all the disgust I feel for myself nad I put it on him. So I have an excuse to run away, a temporary respite. But it's obviously not because of the men, because it has happened at least 5 different times and it's statistically improbable that they would all behave in the same way.

I felt that disgust for my fiancee this morning. I actually gagged and wretched. I am ruining my own relationship, the best thing that ever happened to me, and I feel like I can't control it. This disgust is like a python curled at the base of my spine, it slowly reaches up and grabs hold of my brain every once in a while. It likes to make me hurt, and take away all the good things in my life.

April 3, 2001
2:43 pm
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Ladeska
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Cici.....you can't hold onto him right now....you know that, don't you? Some more misplaced power here. He will have to hang on all by himself. If he does, he does. If he doesn't, he's not the one for you. Funny thing, you're going to find out eventually here, because I know you have the depth to perceive it.....and that is - when you go through this kind of pain and rolfing, there is a birthing that happens - IF you choose that road, which I think you will. And what happens as a direct result of that is - you have just expanded yourself all the way around. You've bloomed into another level of living, so to speak. We hear, see, smell and perceive things much sharper than before. We see "into" things more. We've wrestled with our own demons and we realize that the monster in the closet is the shadow of a mouse.

Parts of us have died that we didn't think we could live without, but in their place - other ones have sprouted and we don't quite know what to think of these new additions....and neither does anyone else. (smile) we sort of "intimidate" people and don't mean to. It takes us awhile to understand - their fear - and our reaction to it. People fear what they do not understand, can't label and put in a box - thereby controlling it.

Interestingly enough - it is such a bizarre thought for mankind to even think, much less speak it - that something beautiful and very beyond our understanding could rise up out of such vile, such crippling matter. In fact, our fear and our repulsion away from such people states all to clearly - our fear of what we can't harness and put our names on.

Fire has a way of refining you, Cici.....even when you don't want it to. It purifies and brings up to the top - another dimension of "you". So many people buy into what they are told, take the bitter pill and drape themselves in a sketched out picture someone hands them about.....who they are going to be from here on out. Rather stifling, don't you think?

Yes.....some pain....turns us inside out, but be very, very aware....of something else inside you that has tremendous power, Cici.Your will....to believe and act on....truth....has enough juice to it - to light up New York.

I see you sitting over there, kinda looking at me crooked here....that's good actually.....I want you to strain your neck, stand on your head and get another perspective going on here of the same picture. Butterfly wings are pushing on that cocoon of yours......it will take time.....but, we're going to see them in all their color....(smile) and if no one has a label to slap on it or a box to put it into.....oh well.....some art....doesn't need a description underneath it, kinda spoils the whole thing, doesn't it? I know.......you are one to defy the odds here and to reach up and grab the brass ring. And if "you" don't know it yet, that's okay. I do.

So......if you write to her.....will you share it, or does it need to stay private? Yes.....I know it's hard.....but, you have to find the words....doesn't have to be complete sentences either. Doesn't have to be coherent - to anyone but you. She's very hurt Cici...but you need to understand one very important thing...."you" are the only one - she will ever listen to. And yes, you will have to go through that dark place in order to find her. If there was no hope.....you would not be "feeling" at all..... She's sending you notes....in code.....little earthquakes. She wants out and wants to be made whole.... please write to her.

April 3, 2001
4:51 pm
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Ladeska
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Cici....was just wondering....have you ever shared with your parents about either of these rapes? And if you haven't - what has stopped you besides what you said before of them just not asking you any more questions and it just got dropped?

April 4, 2001
12:18 pm
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Cici
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At first I was too embarassed to tell anyone. Then, when I was 16, in one late night confession to my older sisters I told them. But I never told anyone about the second rape, except for my fiancee and an old friend who had guessed what had happened.

For my parents, it was to save them more grief. My Dad is terminally ill. He has a degenerative spinal disease, I forget the clinical name. He has congestive heart failure and emphysema. My Mom is his primary caregiver and he doesn't need to know this at the end of his life! Already his limbs are swelling with the collecting fluids. He isn't eligible for a transplant because his body is falling apart. So I visit him every other day and we talk on the phone a lot.

It's like there's always something coming up that demands more attention. My oldest sister had twins 3 months premature, now, so every weekend is driving 3 1/2 hours there and back for one or two days for my Mom. Last weekend I watched Dad instead of driving Mom. This weekend I get to drive Mom.

I feel like I have "therapist" tatooed on my forehead. Yesterday alone I spent at least 2 hours each with 3 different people while they unloaded onto me. I don't have a problem with that, but it's exhausting at this point. And not just blah stuff, some heavy intensely personal information! One friend talked about his father's death (from congestive heart failure). My Mom talked about her stress with Dad and my sister's babies. My sister talks about her venemous in-laws. My fiancee talks about his low self-esteem which is REALLY dragging me down. My other friends talk about things ranging from self-destucting their own lives and fear of success/fear of failure to confused relationship issues, and even rape.

But I am loathe to say, stop talking about yourself. I'M HURTING. It's not just about me. But my fiancee and I had a loooooooong talk yesterday about our relationship. How there isn't really a spark any more, how I have been emotionally withdrawn for several weeks. We discussed breaking off the engagement.

I went to see an old guy friend, he was really close to me before I met my fiancee but my fiancee is really jealous of him. Here is one person who *I* can unload onto, you know? One of the few who has known me in my worst druggie days and who always helped me out and brought me food when I was broke and strung out and listened to me. As I got up to leave, we hugged, and then he kissed me on the cheek and then he paused and looked at me and kissed my mouth. I left his apartment feeling REALLY confused about everything spinning out of control in my life. I drove for a long time, taking the longest route I could think of to get home.

What the hell. What the hell is happening, what am I doing, who am I? I spent the rest of the evening talking with my fiancee and he suddenly brings up the fact that maybe marriage isn't what we should be doing, so now what? I have no stability. I am so afraid of getting married. I am so afraid of everything.

But you are right, and I saw it this morning. A brighter light at the end of the tunnel. An actual destination, not just endless miles of unblinking nothing.

this is why I am at the edge of getting by, clinging with my breaking fingernails and bloody fingertips. It's always something, some new disaster, some new and heartbreaking emotional revelation. Blessed silence would be welcome, but what would I do with myself?

I look at my life - it's no big thing, really. I don't feel busy or overloaded, but when I sit down and list the things I do, I do feel very busy and overloaded. My heart is full right now.

April 4, 2001
1:24 pm
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Ladeska
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Cici....just read your post, but I have to go to the bank right now, I will respond when I get back though....wow, so much is here to respond to! Please check back in. (hugs to you today, btw) You were on my mind alot last night and this morning when I woke up. Guess I felt all that stuff across the miles....

April 4, 2001
2:48 pm
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Ladeska
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Cici....First of all....this time right now - IS about You. Therefore, the noise needs to go. Time to walk into the room of your life and clear it, at least for now. You have allowed these people to be in your life, giving you their problems, etc. - and we do that so we can't hear the screams coming from our own heart. But....the dominoes that you've set up to fall a certain way - need to be acknowledged by you and knocked off the table. Yes, I'm sure you do feel like you have the tatoo on your forehead....but.....it's been there for a "reason" by "you". (smile)
You......are in control here. No more of your power needs to go out to anyone, except maybe your parents. It's yours and you need it now.

And what the heck is this noise coming from your beau....he's crying in his cornflakes right now about his low self esteem while you are going through all this????? LIke you need that! And now he wants to dump the marriage idea? Interesting. You need some time to pay attention to yourself for once and he's not happy with the arrangement anymore? If I were you - I'd say "good riddance" b'bye Dude. Was part of the old scene, ya know? God, I sound cold, don't I? (smile) Not really, just learned a few things over the years and one of them is - when growth happens - all sorts of things fall by the wayside - few of which are things you will miss! You just have to endure your new mindset while it argues with your old conditioned one.

And Cici....this other dude.....be very careful here. One thing I know......even the seemingly nicest of people - will take advantage of a weak moment.....be very cautious here. You need to be hit in your vulnerable areas right now like you need the plague. So, be good to yourself and just tell this guy...No. 1 - I don't need to go from one to the other here, don't need the confusion, temptation and I'm not in a position to handle any of it, so please do your part not to go there with me and I'll do mine. I need a "friend". Some guys can't do that, can't keep it in their pants. But, "you" my sweet....you need to protect you right now and when in Intensive Care - we smart-ass nurses don't allow these assinine men in to do their thing while you are flat on your back trying to survive. (smile) Don't make me come over there!

What the hell is happening? Well, for once in your life you're faced with the choice of acknowledging that you have control of some things in your life.......and it's time to make some choices, Cici. Either get rid of all the driftwood and learn to really swim here or continue to go down the river. ALL these freaking people in your life that don't validate you, that drain you, that want something from you - you just can't be there for them right now. You can - but you're going to sink if you do! Except for your parents, of course...... But, everyone else - needs to be put on "pause" by you and your boundaries. They don't have to know why.....but, the first step of self-love here is you doing this. Doesn't mean that you have to kiss and make up with yourself right now or anything....but, it's a step up in the right direction.

Can you do this? We make choices that bring certain people into our life when we are unhealthy and imbalanced and don't know who the hell we are. When we come to that doorway of wanting to know ALOT of things - it gets real necessary to pretty much have an empty room.....because at some point whatever pieces of furniture you do bring into it needs to be one piece at a time and something you dearly love, that has "you" all over it and can be appreciated one piece at a time. Until then......you need the blessed silence and the empty space. Sitting in that room of your life with it empty - isn't as bad as you think. You learn to appreciate it more than you can realize right now. Feels reallllyyy strange at first. You get the guilties, get the shakes, the nervous fidgets, the "I gotta go do the treadmill", or "I know someone needs me bit".....IF you resist all that noise.....you start hearing this little voice called "you".

Clear the room, strip the wall of pictures, throw out all that you thought you couldn't live without......and only cling to what really, really represents "you" and makes you smile and feel good and inspired and comfortable and safe....time to turn the noise way, way down....

Yes, I know you see a light at the end of the tunnel.....but you've been doing things a certain way for a long, long time and just having the thoughts of doing any of this "different" has turned on the light...... Oh yes, the light is very, very much "there". Just "stay tuned"! Time to also use all that strength and insight and power "for you" and not for everyone else! Novel concept, huh?

You kinda have to look at life sometimes like a military strategist. So......if the other guy wanted to really put you in a weak position, what would he do? Well......one thing he'd do is draw your attentions out in about 20 different directions and then hit you in your most vulnerable spot? sound familiar? Read what you wrote me and I think it will look realll familiar. Draw yourself in behind the walls of your castle. Time to huddle.

April 4, 2001
3:02 pm
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Ladeska
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Cici....you know, I felt kinda bad ragging on your fiancee like that....and the real deal here is that we pick people to be in our lives that really can't give to us like we give to them. We don't pick our equals when we are in those years before healing. We just don't. We pick people that are weak and who needs us. People who could really love us - scare the crap out of us! We don't deserve it anyways, remember? It's just that when you start a journey like you're on right now - you look that one in the face and go.....hm,m,m......we don't have people in our lives that treat us well and as we really and truly need to be treated because - we either picked them or we allowed them to be in our lives.

Weak people also feed a wounded ego. They need us and we get something by all that when our ego is sooo wounded and sick. But, in the long haul, if you read the fine print of the contract.....they win much more than we do. It doesn't really "feed" us.....it takes from us and the praise and adoration just doesn't equate to nutrition and what our whole being really cries out for. It's kinda like "counterfeit food" or junk food. Tastes great, but does not sustain.

Funny......that little girl in the attic has been holding these roses for you in her little hands.....all these years. Written in code within the petals is the key to all the things that you think don't click with you. She's had the answers the whole time.... And yep, we take off around the world and spend 30 years doing it, only to return in the end to this little girl who says.....I told you, but you didn't listen to me..... "you hid the key to your heart under the mattress....you forgot, but always remembered..."

April 4, 2001
3:04 pm
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Ladeska
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meant to say....you forgot but "I" always remembered. (typing too fast over here)

April 4, 2001
5:56 pm
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Molly
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Cici,
I don't know if you should toss the baby with the bath water just yet. True, your man should be able to stand by you, support you, and the old sickness, and health stuff. Buttttt, our tribe is unique, you and I, Tez, Janes, Ledeska, Gingerleigh, we are able to delve into the depths of the soul, pour our heart out here, debate it, digest it, barf it up, and do it all over again. Sometimes we expect others close to us to be able to understand us, and feed our needs,but they can't. If you told him honestly about your feelings that often surface regarding men, what was he supposed to do with that? No judgement on your honesty here, but look he is a civilian, not a member of the tribe, does that make sense? My man used to get totally blown away with some of the stuff I came up with, he couldn't process it, so I found an outlet here, and with my mentor. Then again, maybe you needed to deal with this before committment, but if all else with your guy is great, and yada yada... Maybe it is just to much for the civilians to handle? Not that you should go on with a plastic smile on your face, but as my sister who is the AA Nazi in the family once said to me, many years ago, you dump your bag of shit in my lap, and I can't handle it, what the hell am I supposed to do with it? So don't dump here any more. Which might be a good thing to say to your mom, and sis? It was true, I was so caught up in my stuff, I couldn't see that she was in pain, and God knows with my confusion and pain at the time, she couldn't get a word in edgewise. In our search for completion, understanding, empathy, healing, we dump in the wrong places with those that love us, and they are not qualified, sometimes the truth of what is with us is to much to handle, for those not in the tribe. Its like my ex-family at the clinic, no one had to say anything, just looking at the person, we could tell,would ask, and the healing would begin, but we were all members of the tribe. Get it? My husband, it took time for me to figure it out, can't nurture, in the sense that "we" know it. He can install a program in the computer, he can put in a new faucet, he could maybe fry me an egg, but if I am sick!!!! How could I let that happen, I should have taken better care of my self, If I am sad, "you'll get over it" One of the counselors that we went to shortly after I finished my studies explained some of this to me, she stated it was some sort of graduate student syndrome, aka, he is not a member of the tribe. He is a greater guy now that I understand that, does that make sense? Know that I have a great deal of respect for you, and have come to connect with your postings for quite a long while, so please consider that I come from a good place in this conversation, but how much longer are you going to let this event of a flash back dominate you emotionally, physically,and mentally? You could spend the rest of your life trying to figure out the what, and why, how etc. The more you dwell, the deeper the well. I am not suggesting that this is not signifigant but how much signifigance do you want to continue to give it? The good bad and ugly that are our history are what makes us the beautiful beings that we are, not to be isolated, and disected, but collective and growing. You have a very full plate, you are tired, and weak,and need some distraction like fun, joy, play, less depth. Fear of marriage, death(your dad),illness(your digestive problem), career(what am I doing here), pressure (work,study,finances)sis(queen bee syndrome) and so you got knocked on your ass, and have been bruised, again by a flash back. Common,sweetie, you have the answers, Ladeska has given you great insight, your child needs to shout, I am a survivor, she loves you, she just wants to be loved, and some play time. Zen it. You have given so much clairity to others, you know if you change your mind you change your life, so common girl snap out of it, of course when your ready, but why not now?

April 4, 2001
6:43 pm
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Ladeska
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Hey Molly....boy, I totally understand about - how can men be expected to understand us. Tis true. But, as far as her needing to stay with this process....she really does need to do that. It's not going to go away. This isn't "one of those things" in life. Wish it was quite frankly. But, it's poison goes very deep and it disturbs us greatly when we go back in to doctor it like it should have been a long time ago. Burying it again and glossing over it - just wouldn't be the wise thing to do here. And I really don't think she can - just snap out of it. It hurts other people to watch it I suppose, but that usually happens more because - there are issues within them that need resolution as well and it's uncomfortable to view someone else doing it. The important thing here is - we do have tribe here......and sometimes one of us needs a cleansing and we have to hold the line strong while it happens. And it needs to be a follow throw......all the way. And yes, these are just my opinions on it every bit of it. I could be totally out in left field. Been there a few times.....picking petunias, eating them, smelling of cow dung, thinking it was chocolate cake, studying my navel and falling off a cliff. yep, been there! (smiles) Don't you just love the way I'm talking about you here, Cici. Okay, I'll shut up. I'm outa here. Ya have to know we luv ya though. we are a weird little group, aren't we?

April 5, 2001
11:57 am
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Cici
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Ha ha, that's the understatement of the millenium!

For a long time I thought, this is such a common occurance. I only know a handful of women who haven't been sexually assaulted, molested or abused in one way or another. I thought that by focusing on the negative, my whoel life would be colored gray and become drab, and that it was faulty thinking that was making me morose, not the experiences in and of themselves. Hell, I was even articulate enough at one time to say this to a therapist, who heartly agreed with me and merrily sent me on my way, confident that after changing my outlook I would be able to better deal with the normal stressors of life.

But it's not true. It doesn't work that way though. I have tried and tried, meditating, reflecting, studying various religions, seeking the reason why for all my attempt at just being in the moment, there was a darker side to me that was slowly poisoning my every thought. And I started to come apart. I split myself up, sexuality in this compartment, anger and bitterness goes in this other compartment, gloss over disagreements with a devil-may-care attitude. Things are bad because you make them so. But the only thing all this work has gotten me is a deep, dark slump that has left me bereft of any emotional connectivity at all.

What the result has been of all my efforts is that I have sublimated my emotional issues into my vagus nerve and autonomic nervous system. My illness, the constant nausea and inability to eat food, the constant pain in my abdomen, are symptoms of psychological pain. I know that in my heart.

Yesterday was painful, arduous, and depressing. I was confused about my feelings for everything all day. At first, I woke up and talked with my fiancee for a while in the morning. I skipped my morning class and a meeting with my research professor. I wanted to work things out, to try and re-kindle what we'd lost. He has started therapy, which is good.

Then, I got home from my night class at 10:30pm, he wasn't home. He didn't call or anything and returned at midnight saying that he was visiting a friend and the power had gone off so he had lost track of time. Then he changed his story because he mentioned that their clocks hadn't been changed. I asked how the clocks couldhave been running with no power and he became flustered.

It's been like this throughout our relationship. I honestly don't care any more. He lied about nothing, I called his friend and she confirmed that they ahd been hanging out and no, the power wasn't off. He had just lost track of time. I got so angry with him. We argues like vicious animals, he was hurting me and I was hurting him, and in the end I slapped him across the face so hard I bruised my hand.

Stupid, isn't it? Lying about nothing, for no reason? I am raging inside. Our relationship is stumbling to a bitter end. He is needy and clingy and won't let me go. Months ago he made me promise not to break up with him every again, as we have broken up a few times now. I agreed, stupidly, and now he holds me to that promise. I feel nothing for him.

I am a mess. Sitting here at work with piles and piles of paperwork around me and I just stare off into space. I feel myself sliding into depression. I get to get away from him only because I demanded it, I have to drive Mom to visit my queen bee sister, who won't let me stay in her house because of my infectious capabilities (premature babies), so I get to visit with a friend from high school. That's ok.

I know that he can't understand me, but he's been manipulating me from the get go, he admitted this to me after his first session. He uses crying and elicit sympathy because that ends arguments quickly for me, I get that stupid mothering instict, he's a wounded little bird. But did I make him that way? Am I such a vicious bitch that he desperately fears my wrath?

I'm at the end of my rope here. I am losing it completely. I really am. I have to do so much shit.

I watched "Why Has Bodhidharma Left for the East?" yesterday. It's set in a Buddhist monostary in the moutains of Korea. It looked so beautiful and peaceful I just wanted to fall into the screen.

Every time my fiancee comes home now I feel this dread, deep in my heart, an empty feeling. I still care about him, he's a sweet person, but my heart has gone out of it. I really wanted to die last night. I am spinning out of control here. I am losing it. I don't know what's happening.

April 5, 2001
12:44 pm
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Molly
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do you think that we could get a group rate on a two month stay in some sort of club heal, in paradice,with no phones, papers, grow flowers, vegatbles, fresh water, and just veg, with tribe members only? Look sweetie, your smart enough to know if this was a relationship of desperation, or not, and by that I mean two unhealthy people trying to have a healthy relationship. If he is this way, he is not going to change, or keep up with you, and that means further problems, you know that.He lied last night as all children lie, didn't want to deal with your dissappointment, or the consequences of his actions, DUH, perhaps not a big thing in its self, but a sign, of ? Just wish a bandaid, and a kiss would make it all better. XXOO

April 5, 2001
1:20 pm
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Cici
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He is like a child in a lot of ways. Our arguments have slowly become more and more bizarre. I used to yell and get everything out of my system in about an hour. He would always whimper and cry like a little puppy. So I slowly began trying to be quieter, and now our "discussions" are surreal.

We speak quietly, in civil tones of voice, acknowledging each other's problems and working out plans to change behavior patterns that aren't working for us. There is absolutely no passion inside of me any more. I used to have a bad temper, a short fuse on a little bomb. I would explode and then be done with it. But now I feel dead inside.

We realized last night that I have changed a lot in the past 2 years, and he really hasn't except to get even lower self-esteem (if that's possible). He always recounts these humiliating experiences he's had from his childhood in excruciating detail when we argue to elicit sympathy from me. I always thought he was a really good guy. Then again, I've always had horrid taste in men.

In a way, he's always been solicitous of me, and attentive, but mainly because he was afraid for himself. There has never been any honest motivation to care for me on his part. At first I was a trophy for him to parade in front of his friends. Then I became a crutch.

April 5, 2001
1:27 pm
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Ladeska
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Cici.....out of control? Or are you ridding yourself of something that doesn't feel good anymore......because......you are on the road to health? I know it feels like crap.....but, do you really need this relationship? Is it necessary to find out who shot John right now either? I think you have enough information to at least see that it's been a two-way street, but that some pretty interesting stuff is definitely coming from his direction and don't even go the route of - did I make him this way? For crying outloud, Cici - you're not responsible for the entire planet here. (smile) Um......going through your life like a mad woman for awhile and cleaning house - might feel like hell.....but, I got news for you.....the clear air will hit your face....one of these days. Pull those weeds, Cici... Pull them out by the roots. You're not going crazy.....you're going - sane. You are acknowledging "you" for the first time ever maybe. It would be a great idea if you could just get away from everyone and everybody for awhile.....go somewhere peaceful.....can you?

April 5, 2001
1:38 pm
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Cici
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I'm visiting my oldest and dearest friend this weekend. I've known her since we were 8. I'm driving my Mom to see my sister and then cheerily waving as I drive away to go visit someone I actually WANT to visit. She even planned out things for us to do: go to an art show, and a jazz concert.

It's hard, though. I have a box of wedding invitations and a dress, my parents have already spent so much money on this stupid wedding that I am dreading with my whole heart. But it's time to make some choices and some decisions because I can't stall for the next 3 months. In 3 days it will be 2 months until the wedding.

I recongize and have internalized what you are saying to me. Its hard to stop distracting yourself from facing up to things. Anticipation is a lot worse than the actual act itself.

It's so weird though. I feel ambivalent more than anything else. I still care about this man, I feel badly for him even when I know that this is all his own doing. He keeps trying to hold my hands or grab my arm and tell me that he will fight for this. Big whoop, I've heard that line for the last 2 years without much of any effort.

I know Judge Judy would knock me upside the head for this, but he owes me over $2000. He promised to pay meback within 2 months. HAAAAAAA ha ha ha. What a funny joke. 2 months have come and gone. I told him that he is going to have to pay the interest on the credit cards. He bought things on my cards because his were maxed out. So the initial loans of have compiled and now there is over $100 worth of interest alone.

I feel like I'm waking up from a long sleep, Ladeska, Molly, like I've been in a coma. I don't know what I'll see when I'm fully alert.

April 5, 2001
2:43 pm
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Ladeska
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You are waking up, Cici. You really are. And you're right - it is easier to be apathetic and just go ahead and roll off the cliff. Paralyzation from too much shock running through your veins over the years - will do that to ya! (smile) I don't think the body was intended to be in "shock lock-up" this long, do you? Kinda does some crazy little things to us. Then all of a sudden a jolt of electricity goes through us, our little girl goes WAKE THE HELL UP, I'M HUNGRY!! HAVEN'T BEEN FED REAL FOOD IN A FEW YEARS NOW!!! Emotional twinkies and someone else's left over whatever - isn't really good food for us, is it? Time to roll on into that grocery store of life and go.....so.....what does make me smile, make me feel peaceful, jazzed? What kind of people? Is it about time that I feel "worthy" of them? You see, Cici....you've been starving yourself all the way around. The reason you feel this lacking is because you've been feeding out at the garbage can when in all reality - you've got pretty quality tastes. I am SOOO glad you are going to see this friend!!! Yes, yes, yes!!! Cool beans. Just go let it all hang out and be yourself..... I know you're listening sweets.....I can feel that over here. And you're right, you do have some decisions to make. Please make them according to what your higher self knows is true, Cici. You have many answers in that little head of yours. Listen..... I feel for you on that money thing. Been there, done that. I don't do that anymore though. Learned my lesson. Anyways, I'd hold him to paying that off regardless of what you do here regarding the wedding. You need everything back in your court asap. Your life, your time, your energy, your space. You're going to be surprised I think when you realize what will appear in this "void" once you clear out all the noise and debrii. There's quite a woman in waiting here....... she's going to "appear" and I hope you're ready to see her real beauty......and to comprehend that she has the ability to perceive and hold within herself - real peace.......you're getting to the core of you.....keep going....

April 5, 2001
2:45 pm
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Ladeska
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P.S......and another wee little bit of information......as much as men have crapped on you, on me, on womanhood in the ways of rape, incest and abuse.....the bottomline is....we hold the trump card. We carry within us the ability to bring life into this world. That's not just about having a baby, Cici. We have survival skills that go way beyond the average creature here....

April 5, 2001
3:18 pm
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A reading taken from one of my favorite little books called - The Book of Qualities, by J. Ruth Gendler.

HARMONY

Harmony doesn't seem extraordinary until you have known him for a while. He knows how to be gentle, and such gentleness is surprisingly powerful. The silence around him is lyrical. If I sit in his kitchen in the late afternoon and drink ginger tea, by the time I am ready to go home the contradictions inside my head are no longer shouting at me and trying to tear each other apart. he gives me space to be - my whole self.

It may be hard to believe it now, but there was a time when Harmony was afraid to leave his house. I am not sure about the whole story. In college he was an outstanding athlete, and he won many prizes. One summer when he was training intensively,he became dissatisfied with the whole set-up. Torn apart inside, he could no longer keep his balance. He alienated many of his friends with his tirades about hypocrisy and ugliness. Frustrated with people, he took long walks through the neighboring countryside. He found sanity in the geometry of the old buildings and started dreaming about how to organize spaces in which he could feel more comfortable, thus, stumbling into the profession of architecture through a back door. He has learned how to design rooms which evoke different aspects of our selves. Although he is a meticulous architect, he is no longer fussy and alienated. He can go anywhere now. Simply by being himself, he alters the current in the field around him.

April 5, 2001
8:01 pm
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O.k I just stumbled on this web site and I am someone who is very curious about stuff like this. Why? not b/c I want to ease drop into other peoples pain and life, but b/c I want to understand. Understand what? myself, the last 2 years of my life. Why things happened...why I let them happen. Reading anything about rape gives me shock into some other world. I have been in counselling for 2 years and I can barely say the word. Someone says it I cringe or become defensive. A soft sickning in my stomache right now... under control but not right.
Rape gets into a persons every being, killing certain parts of them. I can comprehend your lack of crying after it all happened Cici. Just like the others are saying, you locked it up tight...just like I have. Why after 2 years of counselling is it still in a box?

April 5, 2001
9:00 pm
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Molly
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Right on Ledeska,
Cici, just think about all that we have read and posted, about sick attracting sick, one the giver one the sucker, makes you want to go hmmm. As far as the dress, and invitations, who gives a damn, if it ain't right, don't do it, easier now than later. Go on a vacation. I remember even when I was standing at the end of the isle, my dad said to me, are you absolutely sure, its not to late right this minuet, I said I'm sure daddy, but I think he knew what I was in for. Funny when he met my 2nd husband, he said I sure like this guy a hell of a lot better than Tom, and I've only know him 10 minuets, come to think of it, I have said more to him than Tom. So go figure, but call it off, if your not ready.The money thing is a sign too.

April 6, 2001
12:13 pm
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I did it. I had a talk with my fiancee about everything that has been bottled up inside of me. I brought him back to our room and said, "I've made a decision" and his face just dropped and he knew. He knew what I was going to say all along.

It's not that I don't love him. What amazes me always is that even the most severely abused child can still somehow have the capacity to love. I care for him because he has been my closest friend these past months.

I told him I don't want to leave him, just not get married. I've never seen a man weep like that, big gulping sobs, and I felt so badly for him. I wanted to hold him, but I made myself stay away because he needs to learn how to stand on his own two feet. I need to find myself and he needs to find himself and then maybe we can find each other again.

I talked to my sister about it, not the queen bee, but the one who has been my protector and mentor. She agreed with me. My friend I am visiting today is breaking up with her boyfriend, so she said we are going to have a man-bashing evening of alcohol and ice cream, ha ha ha. I needed this.

After I said it, I felt relieved, like a huge weight had been taken off of me. Maybe my flashback was a warning signal. It needed to happen, and in a weird twisted way I'm glad that it did.

After our talk he wrote out a contract with a payment plan and penalties that will be accrued if he doesn't make the payments on time. I was surprised he did this on his own, without prompting from me.

The thing is, I know he loves me in his way. I'm confused, still. He asked me to wait to make a decision until after this weekend. He wants to take me out on a date on Saturday evening and drive out to a spot inthe country we went to when we first started dating and talk with me. He is in therapy. I feel like, even if we don't get married, we will still be good friends.

You guys are so precious to me right now, Ladeska, Molly, you have no idea how much you have helped me. I mean, in a way you've changed my life. That amazes me. I feel better today than I have in a while.

April 6, 2001
12:57 pm
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but there's never any certainty in life. How do I realy know what the best decision is? You live and learn. My Dad told me that there will never be a perfect time to marry, never be a perfect man.

He said that the way you know if a man really loves you is if you can slap him in an argument and he won't retaliate. ha ha ha

For so long I've been putting aside my own needs out of consideration for others. And I spent my time lamenting the fact that no one had any consideration for my needs. But I guess if you don't demand the consideration, you won't get it. As the social philosopher John Locke said, "the squeaky wheel gets the grease."

I'm dry as a bone.

April 6, 2001
4:40 pm
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SQUEAK ON, girlfriend! I just adore you. You have become so special to me. Just want you to know that. So freaking proud of you right now!!! Got big ole tears running down my face...

I could not believe what you said about your flashback up there - because I came in here to write you that VERY THING!!! Goose bumps!! what I was going to say was something I thought of this morning while having my coffee......that this "true self" that is in there - hanging wout with our little girl....(GOD, I'm starting to talk like we've got a bunch of MPD's PARTY OF FIVE!) (SNORT) Anyways.....this true self.....is going to throw up warning signals when you are approaching danger. You just have to know how to read them and appreciate the little thorns in the flesh. Think about that one....something to chew on.

He's been feeding off of you and you've been feeding off of him, so it's time to have your own bowl of dog food, ya know? Like Kahlil Gibran says - in his book "The Prophet" when he speaks of Marriage. He says that you should drink the same wine - but not from the same cup and stand like pillars of the temple - together - but not in each other's shadow. Too much "blurring" here with you guys. Intensive Care time - for both of you. And watch out for that "date" thing. Here come Mr. Charming with his best shirt on to make you feel oh so guilty if you don't take the bait. He still thinks.....he can woo you back. You may have to erect higher boundaries down the road, Cici.... You're ready to grow, not so sure - he is. He may doing alot of things just to - please "you". Beware of that one.

YOU have yourself one way kewl time this weekend!!! I'm just jealous because I can't come. (snarl) What I so love is when seeds fall into fertile ground......and I do think I see a cute little sprout coming up with your name on it!!!! Go have fun, blow it out the backend, drive safe, watch your drink and talk and laugh and cry until you can't do anything but stare. It's all good! It's called "sisterhood". (((HHUUGGSS)))

April 6, 2001
4:42 pm
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Ladeska
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SPELLCHECK.....

hanging wout with our little girl.

hanging OUT with YOUR little girl.

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