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March 27, 2001
2:21 pm
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Cici
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Last night I had a terrible night and today I am struggling.

While I was being intimate with my fiancee, I had a flashback to my second rape. I was disoriented for a few minutes, like I had vertigo, and suddenly I didn't know where I was or who my fiancee was, and a massive wave of panic surged up from my belly and I started weeping. Not just crying, but huge gulping sobs that wracked my whole body. I ache all over today, like I was beat up.

My fiancee was confused and apologetic but I was in another world, completely. I locked myself in teh bathroom for 3 hours while I threw up and then scrubbed myself in the bathtub. I have no idea what triggered this, but it was hell, I felt like the wound was fresh and re-opened.

I've had two other flashbacks in the last year and a half. Nothing like this. I was so confused. I still feel odd today. Disjointed, disassociated from myself. Like I'm at the end of a long tunnel, looking up, and that is what my eyes see.

I am panicky and scared and i don't know what to do. I just want to feel normal. I have to write a term paper tonight. I'm confused.

March 27, 2001
2:44 pm
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lisa78640
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It is very hard for someone to get over a rape. Exspecially if it was a brutal one. I was raped almost 10 years ago. It takes a long while to get over the feeling. You never forget you just learn how to deal with the emotional aspects of it. Have you seeked counseling for this??? Sometimes a counseling group of other women who have been raped can help you deal with the rush of emotions you are experienceing. I was in counseling for 3 years. I was in counseling for 2 years after I got married. My husband was very understanding with the feelings that I was going threw. He even attended a few counseling sessions with me. Have you told your boyfriend about what had happened to you ??? I still have flashbacks sometimes but I have learned how to deal with the rush of emotions. I strongly recommend that you join a rape crisis group it will be very helpful. These feeling do not go away very easily. Actually they never really go away you just learn how to deal with them. I time it will get better. Just remember that it wasn't your fault and you did nothing to bring this on. Rape is a violent crime and you are not to blame. You are a survivor. Just keep that in mind and you will go far.
Keep me informed as to your progress and when you find a group.
God be with you and heal all your pain
lisa

March 27, 2001
3:26 pm
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Ladeska
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Cici.....I am sooo sorry sweetheart.....man, oh man - do I feel your pain - deep in my gut. Let me draw you a word picture and hopefully it will help you a little.....when something toxic comes hurling into our being whether it is verbal abuse, betrayal of some kind or in this instance - rape.....our whole being receives the impact but what has invaded us is of a very poisonous and foreign nature. Our whole being is designed to fight that - to fight infection of all kinds in our whole self. Therefore certain triggers are set up in us to now warn us - danger, danger, something of tremendous danger may be approaching because it bears certain similarities to what you experienced before. And they can be ever so slight and not with any malicious intention attached to it - but "in form" - it sets off your warning system and seeks to protect you from harm. It's actually a good thing, but feels horrible until it gets more balanced within you and that will happen over time.

The other thing with a blow of this magnitude coming into your whole being - at some point the laws of this universe states that you will have an opposite and yet equal reaction to it which in your case means - you will seek to repel it outward - to send it flying to get it away from you. So, depending on how lethal it was to you - will dictate the proportion of "emotional throw up" that you will have to do in order to cleanse yourself of it. What we tend to do though is to close up, to bottle the infection up inside us as if we cut it off from air - it won't breathe and mutltiply. Well.....that's us trying to "think" about what we should do and it's also our shame coming into play....we want to hide it, cover it up and make it go away. To be completely honest - you have to air it out, to bring it out into the sunshine, to connect with people who really understand and with someone who can guide you out of this forest full of shadows.

It's sort of like a body of water that desperately needs an inlet and an outlet in order to maintain health. You have to allow your body to release this.....and to receive healthy nutrition into yourself so that you can wash this out of you and get a balance going of how to deal with this as you grow in your life. As long as the poison is there - it will always fester inside you and cause you great pain. But, if you allow yourself to be open and vulnerable inside very safe parameters with very "chosen" people then - you can begin to heal and open up the wound and receive the proper antibiotics and clean the wound and set whatever is broken - straight.

What happened to you last night - was really very normal. You are seeking to repel what was so very toxic and hideous and no right invading your life. Your partner very much needs to be in this with you and if he is not willing or gives you anything but a willingness to understand - you should really look at why he is in your life. People are either in your court in this or they aren't.

One more illustration from nature for you that might help....when a rock from an avalanche plunges into a perfectly beautiful piece of ground where everything is vibrant and pristene and peaceful - it goes deep with tremendous force and throw dirt and rock and grass and flowers hurling into the air and nothing but seeming devastation remains......or so it seems..... but, nature's way - always manages to surprise us and show us the real elements of life at work.....if you come back to that same plot of land in a few seasons - you might be surprised to find that because of the depth of the crevice created - it is now quite sheltered from the elements and is a catch-all for the many seeds that fly in the wind - therefore becoming a beautiful array of wildflowers that has no worthy competition for hundreds of miles around. So, do NOT underestimate EVER - the power of this human spirit to reshape, rebuild, and to overcome even the most tragic of circumstances and to not just be as good as before in doing it - but to create a masterpiece that the former could not have even dreamed of. I would know about this phenomema. I have been raped too many times to count as a child. Was tortured at the hands of some very sick people on an every day basis. Attempted murder with me was a game they played as amusement for themselves. Very brilliant people, very average likeable people in society and quite deadly behind closed doors. Yes, I know about flashbacks.......I also know about the power of the human spirit and God has revealed Himself to me in a way that has been very intimate. Sometimes it's hard for me to explain that because people seek to push what I say into some religious form, all I can say is - I know HIm and He picked me up in all my many pieces when everyone else turned away.

More than anything I just want you to know that if I could put you in my lap and play with your hair and rock you to sleep - I would.... I deeply know the extent of your wounding. Please talk all you want to here.....

March 27, 2001
3:48 pm
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Cici
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Wow, thank you so much.

My fiancee is trying hard to understand. I don't know why this happened all of a sudden. Here I have been thinking that I was OK, that I had dealt with everything and that I had found forgiveness in my heart. But I still harbor no ill will toward the man who raped me when I was 19. I just feel like I'm re-experiencing the reaction to being raped. It's weird.

Right after it happened, I didn't cry or anything. I was numb for weeks. I told no one and pretended to be ok, while my compulsive behaviors multiplied. I started having rituals for everything, not being able to walk on cracks in the sidewalk - just bizarre behavior in general. I got really reckless, got into car accidents and started abusing whatever I could find. It wasn't about one drug, it was about getting high and taking a vacation from being me.

But I NEVER cried about being raped, not the first time nor the second. I never had a violent reaction, just a numbness that spread through my whole body for a long, long time.

Now what? Why is this happening now, over 2 years after this happened? a year and a half after getting together with my fiancee. a year after getting engaged. my life has moved on.

My Dad always told me to compartmentalize. Lock up your hurts in a black box tight and don't jostle it. Of course, maybe that's why my Dad still has PTSD after 40 years. Blind leading the blind.

I feel like i'm going insane. I really think I am. I'm not stable at all. I'm completely wrong about everything. How could I possible help anyone else when I can't even understand myself?

March 27, 2001
4:02 pm
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Ladeska
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Oh Cici, sweetheart.....you're NOT going insane - not even a little bit. You're starting to feel your frozen emotions and that's not a "usual" occurrence for you, not at all. Compartmentalizing is good first aid, it helps you to not fracture totally. Even Sybil did it to save herself so that she could possibly reconnect later. It's a survival thing we do.

You are probably going through this now because you're approaching another level of trust and intimacy on all levels with your fiancee. And that pushes buttons in you. All things cannot be fixed by studying the human psyche, Cici. Some things have to be experienced in a most natural way. There is the classroom and then there is reality. You probably have attempted to fix you - in the classroom but in all reality - this day was always coming.....when the rawness of everything would present itself.

You can't lock hurts up in a box, Cici. It's just like looking at a garbage pit - if they don't put in a ventilation system - the gas produced from what is rotting away will blow the hillside up! And that's what happens to us as well. So, now - your insides are looking for a place to vent the poison and you need to take your hands off the steering wheel of wanting to control it - and let it happen......

You couldn't control it when it happened to you and you can't control this natural process of you repelling it outward either. It's going to happen..... So, what is your self talk like? Do you ever really grab ahold of what you say to yourself about "you"?

Please talk to me today all you want. I will definitely keep checking back in for new messages.

March 27, 2001
5:34 pm
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lewis
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cici
my heart goes out to u.
don't lock those feelings away, face them.
you are not in the wrong, i wish u well and tell u that u are not crazy. its a stage you have to enter to heal your wounds.
i hope you gain peace again soon.

March 27, 2001
6:00 pm
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Molly
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Cici,
Please don't go negative on all that you have done, I can't even begin to express the confidence that I have in your choice in helping people. You are in the thick of it all right now, and know just how complex, this condition of humaness is. So physician, what makes you think you can heal your self, don't doubt, but utilize your mentors. I wonder if because you are so busy, and finally got to a point of relaxation, that the ever so protected black box, for just a moment was not protected, and opened up ? I have had some of my breakthroughs at the strangest of times my self, including sexual relations, perhaps that is the only time we allow ourselves to shut down, and just experience? It was an emotional rage that was released, and with the exhaustion that you are feeling, I would imagine that the toxin has been released. Laymens terms, but just like food poisoning, when it is out your ready to eat again. You just stuffed it so well for so long, but your better today? My thoughts and prayers are with you.

March 28, 2001
9:57 am
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Cici
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I feel a lot better today. I got home from work yesterday and I just went straight to my room and layed down to try to meditate, but my mind is racing and I can't concentrate. My fiancee came home and he jsut laid down and held me and I cried and cried for no apparent reason. He cried with me, and for a while we didn't say anything.

I really thank you guys from tehbottom of my heart. This is such a weird feeling. I am used to being in complete control of myself.

Ladeska, I am hearing what you're saying and it is very, very insightful and true. Jesus, what do I say about me? My self-talk has been really negative. That was actually the major issue when I went to therapy on Monday, because I've been sick and had to take three days off and I feel guilty about it.

It may be my sickness that left me vulnerable, too. I've been on 800 calroies a day trying to stuff more down, but since I'm on an all liquid diet it's hard. I have no appetite.

I just keep thinking that I'm lazy, selfish, whining. I need to get over this. Sometimes I feel almost paralyzed by indecision because of this weird self-loathing. But it's leftovers. Things I forgot to put in the box because I convinced me that it was true.

Uuuuuuuuuuuugh. I feel hungover, but I'm not. I feel so tired. I want, I want, I want. Alll I feel is that ache in my guts, and my shoulders and neck. I don't feel any emotions at all right now. ha ha. venting. what am I venting?

March 28, 2001
11:34 am
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Molly
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Cici,
Ok, you are allowed to whine!! You have started a new job, you are learning at a fast pace, you have deadlines and are not feeling well, on a low calorie diet. Well that sounds to me like a good Rx for a breakdown, and after all break downs there are break throughs. Crying like the rain is a good cleansing. With your schedule I don't know if you can do this but take the day, and do good for you.
Do you know of a good female massage therapist? Go to a safe wonderful smelling place, let the aromatherapy heal your senses, get your feet pounded, some reflexology, and painted toes, sit in a tub, put on mellow music, go get your hair washed by a set of good hands. I believe all this touching by safe people will help, like getting back on the horse. Rest, but don't rest all alone, to much quiet to allow the mind to roar. You got hit by surprise, but that is the way it always is. Thank goodness you have a good man, who is there for you. Oh, and go buy some fresh flowers. Busy healthy distractions, with out strain.

March 28, 2001
11:35 am
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Ladeska
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Cici......emotional throw-up, that's what it is. You have to talk, you have to cry, flex, rant, rave, go numb, spin, and basically let what's in - out..... Trying to be in control is quite normal. It's almost like you're trying to make up for not being able to control what happened, so doggone it NOW I'll control every freaking thing and get a death grip on it while I'm at it! Natural response, but a terribly destructive one. If you want to take charge - turn that concept inside out and try it on. Instead of controlling - think about the concept of "flow".......

I really do believe that control has two facets in this respect. It keeps us in a rigid prison where we think nothing can hurt us. But, what really happens is - we are intelligent enough to know - that can't happen......but what does happen is - life happens, we get hurt anyways at some point and then.....we turn the big gun around on us and says - Okay, YOU were responsible for standing guard and YOU MESSED UP AGAIN, DIDN'T YOU????? It's a way of assigning blame to us - once again.

We also are intelligent enough to know that if we close up a wound that is festering and not properly tended to - it will hurt us greatly, could even be fatal to us. But, to willfully close it up inherently knowing that this is going to hurt us - is probably more attached to us believing we had something to do with this event and herein lies our punishment for that. A little arsenic here, a little there - drip, drip it goes.

So, yes - your self talk does indicate that at the root - there is a lie you've told yourself and you've believed it. Cici......it's time you disbelieved it sweetheart. I hope you center in on this and really give it your attention. It will feel better to dodge it and you need to really fight this. We are creatures of resolution - so you need to resolve this once and for all as the truth of the matter really is. It's time to let go of the knife you've been stabbing yourself with.....

There is a very precious person in there that doesn't deserve this. It's time you defended her and brought her close to your heart...(hugs)

March 28, 2001
12:06 pm
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Cici
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I am in shock. How could you know this about me? A bright shining light that cuts through the bullshit that has crowded my mind with distractions for the last few years.

I am strong-willed. I keep going and going and even if I am exhausted I'll keep marching forward because if you stop, all those things that are following you will catch you and devour you. All those stupid things that I keep with me for no more than my own torture. Hah! How very American of me. I like to keep my insecurities and pain and festering wounds exactly as they are because to change would be scarey. Then what would I have?

Look somewhere, anywhere else. That's what you do. You find ways to stop thinking about yourself because when you look inside its empty and void. You thinka bout other people obsessively, and define yourself through them because you are too scared to be your own person. Because that person is dirty, terrible, disgusting, unworthy, lazy, deceitful...and don't let anyone know who you really are, at all costs, because they will hate you. When they know what you really are, they will hate you and push you away and then you'll be alone.

But you're already alone anyway. Inside that shell, behind the masks that you've made. It's like Princess Momby from Return to Oz. She had a hall full of heads to put on her body, but locked away her real head in a cabinet. She didn't like the look of it, I suppose. I'm like her, i think a lot. I'm that evil, wretched creature that uses all her ability to lie to herself and then, by assocition, to everyone else.

That's what's real. I'm afraid to look but it's all coming out, all that putrid, fermenting crap. And where is the sun? It ahsn't reached the bottom of the swill in my mind for so long, the detrius at the bottom of the lake is cold and black and slick. Like dead fungus. yummy.

What is left. It's like I took myself apart when I was 12, the first time I was raped, and put myself away in dusty boxes in the cellar. I always tell my friends that I feel too young. I feel like I am so young, youger than my chronological age. am I emotionally still 12 years old, really? and this me that I have been for so long, is that a mask, a protective cover, plastic and nothing more?

March 28, 2001
12:29 pm
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Ladeska
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Cici.....I have this little saying.....IT'S MY PAIN, DAMMIT!!! IT'S ALL MINE!!!! Oh yes, we do get possessive of that, it's got our signature on it of who we are, who we've been, and it's signed in blood. Oh yeah, we will protect that at all cost because right, wrong or indifferent - it's the cruel truth about the dark side of human nature and what we have experienced at the hands of our perpetrators.

It's like we wave this sign in the air that says - Yep, I'm cynical about all the fairy tales and the people in churches.....because - I want to know which one of you would do this to me again and which one of you wouldn't raise a finger to help me because it might ruin your day or your standing in the community?

It's easier to assign the blame to us, Cici. But the real truth of the matter is - we fear what we know about mankind when the predator side is on the loose.

There is alot of muck down deep inside you and it's going to be painful going to get to the bottom of it. Yes, emotionally, you probably are 12..... but you're a darned good actress with that grown-up mind of yours. (smile) I completely understand that one! That little girl......still sits in your attic.......wondering what she did wrong that made you not want to talk to her anymore....to not love her and let her out of this dark place where she's been sentenced to live.....not much of a life, Cici. She doesn't deserve it.

I have an interesting little exercise for you to do. if you are right-handed - write a letter to your little girl with that hand and then respond with your other hand. Your left - will be "her" hand. Talk very honestly. This one exercise - about ripped me apart. I was astounded at how well it worked. My left hand wrote like a child and said some pretty blatant things to my adult self. It really helped me to reconnect, but boy howdy did a flood gate open up.....

She's a beautiful child, Cici.......yes, she was brutally robbed....and she wonders......why - you might believe it was her fault......she wants to be loved by you.....but she needs to trust it's okay to come forward...she's extremely frightened of pretty much everything....a wounded animal that isn't sure who to trust and believe. She needs you. Just like the movie - What Dreams May Come.....you have to go to that place where she is.....and you have to sit with her and bring her back with you......

March 28, 2001
12:50 pm
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Ladeska
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Cici.....was also thinking about something else here that might be really beneficial for you.....there are really good massage therapists out there - who know their stuff regarding what we store in our bodies and where we store it. It's really amazing what can come up and out of us when a skilled person works on us. I know years ago - I had sustained an injury from my father where he had hit me in the back with his fist and propelled me through a room. I never got any treatment for that, but did find out later that two vertebrae were twisted one way and two another way and were calcified and locked that way for years and years. I had many different ailments in that region until a good chiropractor finally worked with me for about a year in order to get me to the point that the calcium could be broken.

Well....let me tell you what......he finally broke it loose with an adjustment and the noise of it ripped through my body like a cannon going off! The pain wasn't so bad but the emotional side of me that got opened up was unbelievable!!! I instantly spurt tears straight out and cried in an adjoining room for about an hour. I cried for two weeks straight, all the time, was uncontrollable. But, I can really say it was a great cleansing. I felt so much better after that in so many ways. Our bodies and our emotional side our definitely connected. Just something to think about and would be nice if you could really find someone good that you trust explicitly.

March 28, 2001
3:09 pm
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lisa78640
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Cici, All the advise that I have read is very good advise. I know some women who were raped 5 to 10 years ago and never really delt with the pain and emotional scars that it had left behind. They as you also thought that they had gotten over it. But what the didn't know it that all they did is bottled it up and hid it away. The problem with this is that over a period of time that bottle will become uncapped and explode. You need to deal with the emotional scars it has left behind. The fact that you never grieved over what had happened to you is part of the reason you are grieving now. It is all a process for the body and mind to release pressure. As they say you can't run from your problems they will always follow you. Have you given the group counceling a thought???? Your finance can attand a class with you. This will help him understand what you are going threw. I am a firm beliver in prayer and seeking the help of others. I am not afraid of admiting that I am not super woman. We all need compation and sympathy and comforting. Please take care of your self and let us know of your progress.
God be with you
lisa

March 28, 2001
4:28 pm
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Ladeska
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Cici.....a little creative writing for you....I'm just going to sit here and write whatever pops out for you, for me - for us....

I am SOOOO angry and disgusted that I'm disabled here on the side of the road in this blistering sun,
got ten loads of firewood to get to different people and
a number of repairs that need to be made on some houses
of people I know.
God knows I've carried this much and more before, so I know
I can do it.....
I did notice that one of the earlier loads, the one on the bottom I think
said something about high explosives, but I took all the precautions necessary in order to keep it from igniting
Read up on it, researched several different authorities on safety and handling and still - one crazy little wrong movement and it's completely blown my butt off here!!!!
I AM SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF!!!!!
Surely after all that precaution and all that work and all that experience - I COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS FROM HAPPENING!!!
NOW what will people think of me and my ability to bring them firewood to keep them warm and I'm obviously going to be late for all those house repairs as well.
I think I can rig up something here though, a makeshift cart of some sort
where I can place my blown off butt in it and pull it around behind me while I pack on top of my shoulders the firewood and maybe even be able to drag my sack of tools along on the ground beside me.
I think I can do this......
Bleeding pretty bad, but I don't feel much, just ashamed of myself.
People are looking at me like I'm some sort of an idiot!!! PISSING ME OFF!!
Hmm,m....after doing some reading here in this manual it says something about intense heat would set this off - WELL, NO ONE EVER TOLD ME THAT!!!!
Geez Louise, will have to write the author of those other documents a big fat letter!
Grrr......man, why won't this bleeding stop for crying outloud?
I have things to do, people are counting on me!
Now what in the heck does This person want?
"Um, excuse me, but I have this motorized vehicle here and I'd be glad to give you a lift, I see that you..."
NO!!! What, do I look like I need help???? No, no, thank you very much. But, I have it all under control.
"But, excuse me for saying so - you're losing alot of blood here..."
Well, you're excused and that's no big deal, I've lost blood before.....whoa.....got dizzy there.....but I'm fine, just go on about your way, thanks again, I'll manage....

Moral to the story is......There comes a time in everyone's life when the noise has to stop in order that the music and the message in the music - can be turned up and "heard".. No firewood needs to get delivered to anyone's house - but yours. Fixing someone else's house - won't fix yours.... And who can feel the pain of having their butt blown off when you have placed so much weight on your own back? Distraction maybe? Applied pressure in other places - tends to divert the sensation of pain in real location.... And if someone wants to give you a ride in a vehicle that will provide a safe place for you to be while you tend to your wounds......you are no less of a person for it.

(big, fat HUG to you - whether you feel like you deserve it or not!!! Smile! Don't make me come over there!)

March 30, 2001
11:35 am
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Ladeska
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How are you Cici.....please talk.

March 30, 2001
1:50 pm
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Cici
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Hello again....

I took a "mental health day" yesterday, after I went to my internship and the power went out during a tornado. I satin the control room while all the residents were locked in their rooms for safety reasons and there was a constant wailing from all around, from every room, wailing or shouting or mumbling, because they were locked away inside the darkness and the emergency lights were only in the control room.

It was that hum for four hours that made me crazy. I started to drive to work and I got there and just dorve right past it, ha ha ha.

I had another breakdown last night. I cried and cried and yelled about how tired I am of crying, and my fiancee, bless him, sat there and took a heaping spooful of abuse and biting sarcasm form a weeping, disgusting-looking mess.

I took a shower and I closed my eyes while the water beat on my face and I remembered. I saw a flash of the scene, it was murky and dark and I was there for a long, terrifying time. I was there, in my own memory. When I opened my eyes I was crouched down with my arms wrapped around my legs and my face pressed into my knees. Fetal position.

Everything feels half surreal, half real now. better than everything being surreal. I felt a lot better after I cried in the shower, though, I felt cleaner and new.

My fiancee has been really wonderful throughout all of this. He spent 2 hours last night, until 2am, sitting with me and talking with me. I tried to explain why I felt like it was my fault, but in retrospect that was plain dumb. Of course it wasn't. But in the heat of the moment, your feelings can be so intense that they bleed into your logic. His gentle touch and kisses make me feel more like a woman and less like a black and scabby thing.

This morning he held me and it was hard for him to let me go. I know this is just as hard on him as it is on me, and it's so unhealthy for our relationship. Painful. He's reaching out to find the security that is hard for me to find inside myself. But I stayed with him and it made me feel better, too.

He is making me deal with this now. I always want to just move on, to put it away until it's more convenient, but he said that he won't let me do that, at least not this time, because it's killing me and it's killing us.

It's so hard to just let it play itself out. I want to be doing something. I told him about the massage therapist thing, so he wen tout and got me a gift certificate for a full body massage and body wrap at a day spa.

Ha ha. He's so sweet now, but my heart is still guarded and suspicious. I am waiting for this behavior to change into something more selfish. I love him, though, and when you love youare so vulnerable. It's frightening.

March 30, 2001
2:17 pm
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Ladeska
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Hi there you beautiful thing you!!! I know, don't you just want to barf at me??? (chuckle) US beautiful??? I know, I know...Anyways, endure me, will ya? Doing good so far, btw! You've got a gem there in that guy of yours, girlfriend. I think you'll be quite surprised how elastic he can be..... That's what "love" is about, Cici. He joined up for "that program" right? Is the contract he signed in his own heart. He's a big boy. He can deal. Let him.....

I never asked you this, but I will now since you've had this happen to you in the shower. Which rape are you thinking of the most or were you thinking of then? And also - when you were 12 - was it someone who was a trusted figure to you? If so, that would explain in one sense why you are so guarded and suspicious. When we are small - we look up to people and depend on them, love them, admire them, accept what we think is love from them and then when this happens - WHAM! So, here you are at that crossroads with your fiancee. And your little girl is also saying - hey, if you're really, really going to love me - then NOW HEAR THIS???? Are ya gonna run or hate me or what? I just know you are! Can't handle it can you. I'm ugly and dirty and wicked, aren't I? Well.......I don't hear him saying all that......."do you"? (smile) But, all this needs to be voiced. You need to RANT on and bleed this out until nothing is left. Not to say that you won't have earthquakes down the road - we all have tremors now and then with this - but this poison, this blackness....has to be convulsed up out of you. What a precious gesture to get you that gift of massage and body wrap! You're gonna get addicted! Save your change! You're doing really good......"feeling" is a most uncomfortable thing. Numbing out and finding a busy thing to do is so much more comfortable... Have another suggestion for you.....save your glass bottles, jars, etc. and then go out to a spot where you're by yourself or with your fiancee and have a "rage" time. Pick a stone wall or rock, wear goggles and stand a good distance away from the crash site...take a jar, bottle and focus on something that really makes you angry.....get ready to hurl it with all your might, say outloud what the thing is and do the nastiest, primal scream, yell that you can muster up and let it rip as hard as you can throw it . Keep doing it until you're hoarse and wasted physically. You'll need.....a massage after that!! Yes, clean up the mess before you leave, bring gloves and bag. You'll be surprised how hard is to do that scream thing. People go all whimpy on me when we go do this. I do it and they look at me like.....Back AWAY from the woman!!! (smile) Feels great though!! Try it! I am so glad you have him and that you are doing as well as you are..... Showers are great....long hugs are also wonderful....try to be "present". sounds like you're doing a really good job of that....(Big Hugs to you from me!)

March 31, 2001
9:14 pm
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Cici
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Ladeska, it amazes me that you are reaching out so much to me. You are indeed an amazing and very giving person to want to help someone you haven't even met.

Any way, to answer your questions, the episode that comes to me most is the second time I was raped, when I was 19. Since I began being interested in Buddhism and Hinduism, I studied the lives of Gandhi and Siddhartha Gautema, Viktor Frankl and Martin Luther King, Jr., to understand the concept of forgiveness. It's very important for me to forgive the men who did this. I don't have rage for them, really, but for why this happened. Why people can feel that it is ok to brutalize someone, or not even recognize the individuality and need of another.

So, I have spent my time learning to forgive. But the second time, I felt so strongly that I was stupid because this had happened to me before. I thought how stupid I was to allow myself to be violated again. I thought how unworthy I was of any sympathy or help because it was really my fault. I should have been more aware.

When I was 12, I met a boy at a summer camp for gifted children. I had never really been away from home. I was so scared, and lonely. And he was 16, and seemed very confident in himself. He became a friend to me. He listened to what I had to say. But there was always something so unsettling about him. Something that made me ever so slightly uncomfortable.

One day I went into a study room which was near the commons room in the dorm. There were no windows. I went to gather some books I had left in there. He followed me and closed the door behind him, and when I turned to see his face I remember feeling utterly terrified, but confused. Why would i feel terrified? And he slowly eased towards me while I backed away and I slowly shook my head as if that mere gesture would have reached him.

As he walked towards me he began to say terrible, terrible things. It made my skin crawl, as if there were spiders scurrying up and down my arms and spine. I crouched in the corner and he lifted me up by my arms and I was so close to his face that as he shouted, he spit on me.

Afterward, someone knocked on the door and I remember feeling so relieved. The boy left the room and left me on the floor. He knew I wouldn't tell anyone. He knew I was too weak. And when my parents came the next week to pick me up, I was desperate to leave. They asked me if anything was wrong and when I said no, they never pressed me further.

I was terrified of boys througout high school. I couldn't speak or sit near them. After a while instead of just being terrified all the time I cultivated a cold, hard shell. and I wrapped myself up inside that shell.

So when I was in college, I started drinking, and after my first drink I drank every night. I went from doing nothing but smoking like a chimney to drinking like a fish. I worked at a bar. I liked losing control because then I could pretend that I wasn't me.

So when I got drunk at a bar, alone, I was putting myself at risk. When I drove drunk I put myself at risk. I didn't care, either. I got raped again. It was my fault because I didn't care enough to take care of myself or have a friend there with me or anything. And after the second rape he told me I wasn't really worth anything and that I was stupid if I thought I was. I believed him. I stayed with him after he had raped me. And every time he had sex with me I would feel sick, disgusting, I was a whore and he told me so, often and with great glee. I felt like I was frozen inside myself, as if I had no control over myself any more.

And as the time passed I stopped caring about anything and I started doing drugs. More drugs, better drugs, stronger drugs. I would be semi-conscious for weeks on end. I wouldn't even bathe. I would just be fucked up. That's the only word for it. I dropped out of college.

I see so much of my past as a story that I have written for myself. I walked a path sketched out by me. I was the one who made those choices and I take full responsibility for my own misdeeds.

That is what makes it a bitter pill to swallow, why I try my best to keep moving forward and not look back, not touch that black box, not dust that ill tended attic in my mind. Because this is the end of the story she wrote, with all her weakness making the pages brittle and flimsy-thin.

My mother was strong. She was hard and callused on the outside, she wasn't ever scared. Because of her I have my own strong will, and I don't feel worthy of pity or even to be listened to. That is my penance, you see? That is my four hail mary's and ten Our father's. To be alone and see that my hand has wrought this life.

April 1, 2001
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One of my modules at uni was psychology of counselling, the lecturer was oh so in contact with herself. i felt quite in aur of her. one lecture she said something i think i will remember for quite some time, mainly because it hit home. she mentioned the inner child, to imagine her/him. then she explained how hard we are on ourselves as adults, how much we expect of ourselves. she said to imagine our little child, would you treat that child like you treat your adult self? no! give yourself a break, don't be so hard on yourself. more importantly be good to yourself and your inner child.
take care cici, there is some really good advice in this thread, and your story, i felt 4 u.

April 1, 2001
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Cici....first of all, you need to know from me to you - that I have to do what I do by reaching out to you...I have had a ton of healing in my own life and to have eyes that "see" and do nothing - is just like saying to you, to me and anyone else that "I" join ranks with all the people who do this to children and with the ones who "know and see" and turn and walk the other way - blaming the child or the grown victim for their own abuse. I can't do that, sweetheart. Just can't, won't. My little girl....won't let me. (smile) She....knows "you"....very well.

I hope you can see the correlation between this boy you trusted, liked at this camp and the intimacy, trust issues you are now having with your fiancee. I also see that this second rape has been an indictment, a bitter little pill, judgement that you have tried to "make fit" with yourself. But,it's a jagged little pill, isn't it? Doesn't go down very well, isn't sitting very well in the inner stomach. But, why would it - it's a lie. It's all a lie... But, I've said it before - we are creatures of "resolution" and thus - people who like to try and be in control of our lives - one way or the other. Sometimes we put things together wrong, but put them to bed like that anyways, and then shut the box, nail it down and say now....digest this, damned it and DO IT NOW!!! Well....that would be fine and good - IF it were the truth. But, it's not you see. And your higher self is telling on you. You're getting all this earthquakes because the foundation is rotten, shaky, built on lies and it won't support you.

It's a most disconcerting thing to realize that even in trying "fix" this and be our own judge and jury and try to make some sense out of it - we can't even do that right!! (smile) Nothing to beat yourself up for, Cici. It's only natural that we "would" go there. But, the bigger you has to realize - we did what we did out of impulse, out of a feverish way to stop the bleeding, plant flowers and grass hurridly over the place where the avalanche threw everything into the air and exposed our most intimate, vulnerable place. Shame will do that to us... We seek to blame someone....and when the other people run away - the only one handy is "us". We become our own scapegoat. We have to fix it, hand down a verdict, make someone pay...

The wronge person is on death row, Cici. You need to let her out. Set her free. She's very young, very frail, and very much....not a whore.

Forgiveness isn't as much about letting that person off the hook so to speak, and being little miss nice-nice. It's about realizing that - they are still....touching you even with what is going on inside you now. It's letting the hot iron go because - it is seering into your flesh and still has their name all over it. It's taking back - your own power. You need to get in touch with - your rights here and see the "real" picture as to who stole what and how they are still stealing because you have now picked up the weapons and are hurting yourself with them. Quite simply "you" believed "their lies".

It's time to let go of that. Time to realize that what this boy started continued to hurt you, to twist your thinking, to maim your reasoning, to damage you greatly where you believed you needed to now set up the dominoes so you could really blame yourself and feel justified.

Just because we can't see the large portion of us that gets blown away, and not see the mangled flesh and the inability to walk and manage healthy, just because we can't see all the blood, all the horrible disfigurement - we assume that because we can walk around in a facade - then no big damage has been done. You should have been put in intensive care when this happened...and the time for this intensive care is Now...it's long overdue. You need to stay with this, keep this wound open until it is cleaned out - once and for all, Cici.

There are thousands of "us" out there. Believe me - I've seen my share. This is all I do - counseling rape and incest victims. I take no money for it, just use my discernment when I see bells and whistles going off in front of me, we develop a rapport and it goes from there. We need you.....we need you healthy, we need your eyes, your ears, your ability to say - "I know" where your hurts are. One look in your eyes and they will know - you speak truth. Please don't drop the ball. Pull away for awhile? Fine, it's expected, but please don't drop this and bury it again. Rage on, you need to, vomit it all up. And your mother wasn't so strong, btw. Brittle strength - isn't strength. The willow....is strength. You remind me of "me" quite honestly...and I've learned to love that inner child of mine very much. My little girl - hurts and weeps for your little girl. It's time to give yourself the right to "feel", to mourn, to rage, to question, to be "you" for a change and not "the verdict" that you've handed yourself. The key to the attic door is in your hand....she hasn't seen sunshine in a long, long time....isn't it time?

April 2, 2001
12:10 am
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Cici...

I have known "Ladeska" for three years and she helped done so much for me-its a GODsend. She is my best Friend and Adopted big sister, since mine disowned me! She will lead you in the right direction and someday you will be better and writing this to someone helping them! Believe me! I been through the blender and yet to go to the oven, but that is life, that is Reality. Best Wishes to you.
If you want to know more about me, maybe I could help you as well? I wrote a intro on who I am at the third topic, dealing with an abusive mom!

Take Care!
Kimberly Ann

April 2, 2001
11:01 am
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Thank you, Ladeska. I am truely grateful for this help you are giving me. No one in my past has been this thorough or fearless. Not even the four counselors/psychiatrists I've seen, ha ha ha.

Today I really noticed for the first time how much this is affecting me. I didn't go to any classes last week. In reaction to my emotional turmoil, my chronic illness flared up and made me pay for emotional upset with a vengeance. I think I was just sick of myself. To be quite honest.

I was in my humanistic psychology class. We were supposed to write and reflect on what inspires us, what drives us. I sat there, staring blankly at my paper for 15 minutes. What does drive me? Nothing, really. I feel like I'm sleepwalking through life, I have always felt this way in my mind. But I objectively realize that my memory simply doesn't reach that far back in my life any more to remember the time when I was driven.

I am driven to succeed because of my family, Because of appearances, because, above EVERYTHING, I am loathe to make anyone worry about me or be putout of their way for me. That's not a very motivating drive, it's not a self-actualizing need, as Maslow would say, it's a safety need. Fear based living.

Logically, it's easy to say that it's not a woman's fault, that you shouldn't feel ashamed, but it's so real to you. That shame seems like the only honest emotion inside of me sometimes. Because when you are violated in the most intimate way, there really are no boundaries left. You are at once completely and utterly vulnerable and completely walled in and shut off from everything. You get the worst of both worlds.

Today my psych professor lookedat me and said I was looking much better, but he had a weird expression on his face. I feel it, though, that the spark that once kept me going is snuffed out now. I am dull and dreary in comparison, my conversation lags into apathy, my voice is silent because I have nothing to say. I wish that I could stop speaking completely, that I could live in blessed silence without the endless talking and rationalizing and protecting and maneuvering.

I feel like I don't have a future. I've never planned for one further than 5 years away. I always feel this impending sense of doom, as if my life will be shorter than normal, as if I could die within the year. I interact, I socialize, I talk to people, but I'm never really present. I would rather be autistically turned inward in my own world, daydreaming as it were, rather than living. LIfe seems to be dull, and sometimes terrifying, with blips of serenity in between. I have no more ecstatic feelings of joy. Only the nobility of suffering in silence and detached acceptance.

I feel really, really detached and empty today. I am supposed to go to therapy this afternoon but I really don't want to. I don't have anytihng to talk about. My ability to verbalize has been declining lately. i can't speak well enough to express myself, so I have bceome more and more silent.

April 2, 2001
3:48 pm
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Cici....silence isn't necessarily bad....you've had a few rounds of allowing yourself to feel and I think maybe we can't weigh how much force all that hits us with. The rocket is coming from within us and it takes power to boost it outward. You have to rest from that and all the nice-nice things we do in the world to please everyone just seems so utterly ridiculous to us at this point. It's like PLEASE!!! Like I care what I look like to you today! I've just had the space shuttle go through my being and you want me to LOOK GOOD, ACT NORMAL.....um, no, sorry - but don't have the energy, get outa my face...

Not sure people will understand.....but, at times like these - I've developed the attitude - don't know that I really give a flying flip either. WE are the ones that have to care about us. Other people don't have the book, haven't lived through the event and are too "whatever" to care to go there. You've spent too much time worrying about "them" anyways, time for alot of people to be put on "pause".

There are sooo many things going on inside you right now that are requiring "power". You may have to unplug some other things for awhile and use that energy to function on more important things. We are not the beast of burden in this world. WE matter. And when we're bleeding - we go to intensive care, end of story. So tell me......how can you take time off right now? Before you do a quick answer, think about it....real hard. Is it or is it not feasible? Can you not - put some things off, with a little sacrifice, but still be able to function? You see......the echo effect of what you've gone through on both counts of rape is "just now" hitting you, Cici. It took awhile because you are so hypervigiliant. We are all like that. We run with the ball for a long, long time.....and we either get to this point and do something about it and allow ourselves to heal or - we keep the lid on until we self destruct.

Funny you should mention not being able to plan the future. That's another trait that we all seem to share. We live in the now and the past and have trouble seeing the future. Also, I'm not sure if you realize this, but - spatially - that's about right for a 12 yr. old, isn't it? About how far out do they see? And a 12 yr. old wouldn't really know how to communicate that well with someone your age, would she? This can be a really interesting learning experience for you, Cici, if you allow yourself to go there. Nothing like lab work - and it's "you"! (smile)

Think about that though. She's quiet.....but why? How would you talk to a 12 yr. old? What would you say to her? Please do some writing and try to connect with that and with her. Look at her like a patient and how would you find common ground, earn trust, talk her language that "she" would understand. Where are 12 yr. old's emotionally?

Where you are is - where you should be. You need to rest, to be brutally honest, to not put up any facades for anyone. Tough. They will just have to understand and if they don't, screw em. Sorry to sound so cold, but I've learned over the years....people are not going to understand alot of things and I'm not going to waste the energy I need for me in a crisis time being codependent for them. Some things have to be dropped off the apple cart here and that's one of them. It's strip down time, nothing but the essential load. Energy conservation.

You "need" some blessed silence, Cici. Please acknowledge your own request here. It's time to start living life - for Cici. You need a "Castaway" experience. No more treadmills for everyone else or for the picture you've sketched up on the blackboard that got everyone else's approval "but yours". No more. This may look like the most horrible black period of your life....but I got good news for you......"it ain't" and I'll tell you why......because IF you use your noodle, which I know is still in good operation up there....squirrels are still peddling.....there's a "birth" trying to happen here and it hurts like Hell!!! But, Cici hasn't ever really been down the birth canal yet, have you?

Well..........hang onto your umbilical chord and pull it like a rip chord when you see light at the end of the tunnel because - you're definitely experiencing labor! Time to drop the cocoon, girlfriend and stand your naked little self up in front of a mirror and connect with the 12 yr. old and find "Cici" and claim your life and personhood for the first time ever. So, let's get down to the business here and work. First of all - please answer the question about - can you take time off? Second of all - can you shut everyone and everything else off to a dull roar? Third of all - can you start doing the writing to the 12 yr. old? Do it here, if you want, or do it and then talk to me about it. But, doesn't it make sense to look at it this way? Tell me what you think.

I just want you to know that it's an "honor" to be here for you....it truly is. I love watching people overcome. I've been to hell and death and back again, so I'm very familiar....with alot of things in this arena. I also committed myself to the long haul of recovery and I'm not one to lose a fight if you get my drift. Rather determined and quite ornary. (smile) I may be robbed, but in the end - I'll gladly take a few hostages back and help set them free. Let's just say that's my way of - getting even.... Rather constructive place for my anger, wouldn't you say? (smiles and big, huge hug) Wish you were here, so I could talk to your face!

April 2, 2001
5:38 pm
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Ladeska
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CIci...

MISPLACED POWER

Energy given to what others want me to be in order that I might feed faltering ego indirectly and falsely.

Energy could go directly to the source of feeding ego in a healthy way by pleasing "you".

*************

Energy given to keeping Pandora's Box shut in order that truth stays in and lies go free to roam.

Energy could be given to allowing the box to open and going through the healing process, thereby conserving energy ultimately.

*************

Energy given to keeping the false image up on the screen of who you are, which equates to double energy because your true self - knows this ain't the real deal.

Energy could be given to letting go of the false self and allow the mirror to just - be what it is - a "real" reflection for once.

***********

Energy given to having friends, coworkers, family, acquaintances that you can be the strong guy for.

Energy that you could use for yourself first and IF you have the extra left over in reserve - then you can give it freely.

************

Energy given to trying to be a "super star" and an olympic runner.

Energy that could be used living life in the slower lane where you can actually be allowed to have warts, freckles, smell roses, watch ants build an anthill and reflect on the realism behind being "human" and "real".

*************

Energy given to holding in your opinion in exchange for the political correct printout.

Energy that could be given to - you carving out your spot on this planet, putting up a flag, planting petunias and daring anyone to take it from you!

**************

Just a small list, but an example of one simple concept. "Dare to live life in the Offensive Stance, instead of in the Defensive one." It's a whole new ballgame when that one finally clicks into gear in the old noggin. But, it means that you have to stand up on your desk like in the "Dead Poets Society". If we really, really direct our anger and our pain correctly......there is no end to what we can create, blow out of the water and redirect. I can tell you from experience....feels damned good!! Kinda like saying, um excuse me.....but, uh.....that "power" is MINE!!! And I have come to take it back! So anything and anyone that feels contrary to that - MOVE! (smile)

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