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f**k.....I can't win....alicat
May 19, 2006
6:59 pm
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Anonymous
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striving for no contact.

screwed up again.

was at ER - was frustrated - and went to send text message to someone - but sent to ex instead.....was typing and using with my left hand - made it hard....probably a subconcious intentional slip

so he starts texting me back, concerned

won't let it be

so finally call him so I don't have to type

and he hears the distress and wants to fix it

hearing his voice adds to the pain already enduring

hurts to have him want to fix it NOW

in the past, any emergency, he was not to be found, available or helpful....NOW....he'd come running if I said ok

I can't win

I know his name should be off my buddy list so these things won't happen....but I just can't get that far yet.

anyway, had a really rough day....I hate doctors, hospitals, nurses and insurance....got tendonitis and it's gone on so long I am in agony....and it took an all out war to get the health care I needed.....I'm exhausted, going to bed.

May 19, 2006
7:09 pm
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Soulsister
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(((Alicat)))

Sleep well...hope you feel better when you wake up.. 🙂

Soulsister

May 19, 2006
8:14 pm
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lollipop3
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Ali,

I'm sorry you are struggling today.

I don't have much advice, but wanted to let you know (and you know) how much I relate.

It is very difficult to let go of someone because we feel we "have" to as opposed to because we want to.

Having said that....you ARE doing the right thing Ali...the right thing for yourself and for your daughter (as her primary teacher and role model).

I've said it before and I'll say it again....let time take time and it will work out. At least that's what I keep telling myself. 😉

I hope you feel better and I'll be around if you need to talk.

Sleep well my friend

Love,
Lolli

May 19, 2006
8:25 pm
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that's just it...i don't WANT to...but if i am going to get over him i HAVE to.

i want MY ERICH back....but he doesn't exist anymore.

i do give him some credit...he is honest about not being able to give me what i need and isn't asking to come back.

but he wants to be friends....and i just don't think it's a good idea...no matter how bad i want him....

sigh....mom took me to get dinner....ran into an old ex...one that i did stay friends with.....and tho he is a great guy, i can't see going back...not to mention his GF...lol...don't think she would give him up w/out a fight (real one...she's a brute!!!)

anyway, off to bed....thanks for thinking of me....

-ali
9/7/71 (can't wait for my b-day this year for some reason!)

May 19, 2006
8:35 pm
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lollipop3
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ha ha....you're older than me......by 18 days! LOL

I, on the other hand, CAN wait for this one.

Have a good night

May 19, 2006
11:00 pm
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hey alicat, its gonna be OK, it was just a bad day today for you. you're gonna be fine

May 19, 2006
11:44 pm
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readyforachange
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you had a bad day...(I'm singing for you)....be glad you can't hear it 🙂

Hang in there...and don't be too hard on yourself for breaking no contact. It sounds like it wasn't really intentional, you were in pain and not thinking clearly.

hope you feel better soon (((alicat)))

May 20, 2006
8:23 am
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lolli.

maybe we are twins separated at birth,not just cosmic twins...LOL.

heard about your bad week - sorry - I know how it goes....you sound more like my relationship with my other ex - cuz we were on that kind of "cycle" with eachotehr.

we'll have to celebrate our birthday's together this year - girl's night out - no assholes allowed! my parents had their camper delivered yesterday - so they will be camping at worden's pond all summer now - despite previous plans not to...my daughter is going up with them this weekend cuz I gotta work.

will check in later.

May 20, 2006
8:27 am
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taj64
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Awwwe Ali, had a bad day! Ugh. Keep your chin up!

May 20, 2006
9:54 am
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lollipop3
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Hey Ali,

There really are so many similarities between us....it's kinda freakin' me out a little bit. LOL

Thank you for your kind words. It has been a bit of a rollercoaster this week but I have been working my Alanon with a vengence over the past months and am getting much better at the whole "one day at a time thing". At one point I had this feeling of URGENCY that I needed to decide what to do and to do it RIGHT NOW otherwise it is my own fault that I am where I am. That thinking makes very furtile ground for planting the seeds of self-loathing, thus lowering my self-esteem even farther. These days, I am taking more care to not beat myself up over my "slips" and taking the time to "feel my feelings" and let them go. All of which helps me to not get too overwhelmed and enables me to stay more focused on my personal goals.

It doesn't happen often enough but I do take my own advice from time to time. LOL As I've said to you many times (and even in this thread) time takes time and trying to "force" solutions only serves to complicate things more than they are already.

It's gonna happen for us Ali....I can feel it!

Have a great day.

Lolli

May 20, 2006
4:06 pm
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lolli,

you are right....the more we beat ourselves up for our mistakes, the less we see our successes, and we DO have many.

I see what I am going thru as a weaning process....they say crash diets don't work and that slow and steady wins the race....I'm gonna win this time.

so what if i talk to him - The desire to go back is not there....the only thing I do when I talk to him is tell him how much I hurt and how I feel, and how I see things now....the reality, not dreams and wishes....I know I can't have what I want and he knows he can't/won't give it to me......but that's not cuz I don't deserve it or earned it....it just isn't possible right now.

so...one day at a time....that's all we can do.

ever been to the nordic lodge/custy's all you can eat seafood buffet???...we camp near there and yet haven't been in years...I'm itching for some seafood!!!!

May 20, 2006
5:42 pm
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bonni
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(((Ali)))
hang in there!
bonni

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