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September 6, 2004
7:12 pm
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Ineed
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September 27, 2010
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this is my first time in here. I wish I could explain from the beginning to the end. Here goes. I want to stop thinking about trying to change every man I meet. Ever since my horrible breakup with my ex (we were together for over 7 years, I'm 29) I have taken all of that pain into other relationships. I'm always so needy worrying when the next phone call will be, jumping to the gun all the time, creating stories in my head of what hes thinking. its almost as if I can't stop. It goes on and on and it never stops.. Even if I am with a guy for just a month or two the breakup seems way too depressing. I let it go for months, I try and fix it by writing emails, phone calls, drunk phone calls. Almost as if I think he'll come back.. I've been broken up with my x for over 2 years now and still.. It was a bad relationship. I went to therapy and all, I just thought time will heal. In a way it did. Still though I suffer through every next one. “Its my fault” “I can fix it”, you name it.. I don’t know where to begin my healing from this. I know I have every symptom of co-dependency. I am just afraid to take it on. Its new to me. I just want to stop thinking about depressing stuff. I can’t get up sometimes from it. I mean I do but its always a struggle for me. I feel helpless. Im doing things of course. I work, gym, friends, party. Still though its heavy in my thoughts.

September 6, 2004
10:18 pm
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SassyAlex
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September 29, 2010
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Ineed, I too went through therapy for quite awhile years ago. I was severely depressed, and I identified a lot of my problems from growing up and realized that they were causing my depression. My therapy changed my life, helped me in a million ways, and eventually my therapist said I was OK enough to be out of therapy.

My last two serious relationships have been with similar types of men. This last one is a drug addict, but the one before was not. In fact, he never touched any drugs ever, he probably had a grand total of 10 drinks during the entire year and a half we were together. However, both had similar characteristics. Charming when they wanted to be, emotional, sensitive, needy, immature, jealous, possessive, and downright mean and emotionally abusive. With both men I thought I could help change them, that my love would help show them the way to change, but I was wrong both times. Like you, I was always trying to fix things, be the superhero, be the savior.

I am starting therapy again next week. These issues of codependency didn't come out until after I had completed therapy before. Even though I thought I had dealt with my issues from childhood, I now realize there must be a lot I still have not dealt with, and it is coming out through me being in codependent relationships. Even though you went to therapy before, since you are still dealing with these issues, it may be time to go back again and figure out what is still making you feel this way now.

September 7, 2004
2:42 am
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BabyJane
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Hello Ineed

I think you may have some faulty thinking patterns. But I am no expert!!

There is a great book called Beating the Blues. By Susan Tanner and Jillian Ball. In the book is a chapther on faulty thinking.

Here are some examples-

*Black and white thinking (All or nothing)

*Setting unrealistic expectations,

*selective thinking (looking on the dark side)

*converting positives into negatives,

*Over-generalising,

*Magnifying (making mountains out of molehills),

*personalising(its all my fault)

These are just some. And you may have some but not all of these habbits. In this book you can work through how to change faulty thinking habbits. Or you can do it with a therapist. The technique is called Cognitive thearapy. It really helped me get through depression. I know its scary but you will get through this yucky time. Good luck sweetie!!

September 7, 2004
8:34 am
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laura2
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September 29, 2010
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Ineed, You need to put yourself first, love yourself before you can expect someone to love you back. I have done many of the things in relationships that you are doing. We do it because we are too focused on what the other person wants rather then what WE WANT. It's all about balance. Learn how to give and take. If someone dosen't call, so what. You have a life with many things to occupy your time. Put more importance on what you are doing for yourself rather than "what the other person is thinking". Chances are, they are just going about their business and it has nothing to do with you. For some reason, we codependents expect others to check in with us all the time. We cant function unless we know where they're at in their head at all times. Thats because we cant seem to realize that we are giving all our energy to the other persons agenda instead of going about our own business. Its crippling!

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