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first timer needing advice
April 8, 2007
10:35 pm
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nmlp
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September 24, 2010
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Hi. I am a first timer on this message board, actually on any message board, so please bear with me. I am really looking for advice from anyone who has had the same type of situation as me. I am a survivor of an extremely abusive 17 year marriage. My ex was abusive towards myself and our two daughters. They are both in their teens and want nothing to do with their father. We have a restraining order in place. He is again, taking me back to court, trying to force "reunification" counseling with the girls and myself. I am newly divorced (10 days) and want no part of him. I have not spoken a single word to him in almost a year. I needed to completely severe all contact with him because when I let him stay in my life, he manipulated my love for him and my feelings of obligation towards him. He stalks us, and continues to ceate a definate feeling of fear in our lives. He is now trying to force me to take a sizeable amount of life insurance out on my life and making him the benificiary. I have recently received a letter from his attorney (through my own) stating this. He scares the hell out of me. He is now involved with a woman who we both knew and who's husband is in jail for sexually abusng their best friend's 4 year old daughter, three times. She forgave him and was waiting for him to get out until she started an affair with my still then husband. She has 3 children with her husband. Now, my ex wants to have visitation with our daughters and her and her sons. I am horrified. THis woman has no moral compass and I am scared to death of what those children have been exposed to. I don't want my children around her or them. Our 17 year marriage was so abusive and I feel that these things he now wants is just another way in which he can force control upon me. I am trying so hard to give my daughters a good, abuse free life. I feel so guilty for staying with him so long, but I loved him and truly didn't realize that what we were living was abuse. I had my eyes opened two years ago when he blackened our then 14 year old daughters eye because she was 1 minute late coming into the house. Needless to say, the girls and I are both in therapy and have been for over to years. Can anyone give me some hope that there is a "light at the end of the tunnel". It is heart breaking to know that someone you loved so much and trusted with all of your heart, was never who you thought he was. The man lived a double life.

April 9, 2007
3:10 am
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burningup
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Have you ever read Stephen King's book Rose Madder? I don't know if you would enjoy it but then you might. It's empowering in a strange way.

I wish you luck. If you can, move far, far away. I had to move out of state once and it was the best thing I did. It solves problems. Sometimes if you're out of sight, after a while you'll be out of mind too and then if you're lucky, you and you daughters will be free from terrorism.

April 9, 2007
4:16 am
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mamacinnamon
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nmlp:

Do you have an attorney? If not get one tomorrrow. Document every, and I mean every, call he makes, what he says and threatens.

How old are your daughters?

Most states now have a site where you can call up court cases. It involving underage children I doubt it will be on that site, but you might at least get the header as to what the case was about. Is the other guy on the sex offender's list? Find out. If you know these folks then find out if their sons have ever been in trouble for anything. You will not be able to access juvenile records, bot your attorney could.

I am glad ya'll are in counseling. Stay there. The counselor could be a good source if dispute over visitation is taken to court.

Do keep the no contact w/ him. IF that is what your attorney agrees for you to do. Mostly, be certain to be totally honest w/ your attorney regarding your fear of this man, what he has done, etc. If you have medical records you can obtain that pertain to the abuse of your kids then get them from the doc or hospital.

I think a protection order and an attorney should be first priority in this situation.

April 9, 2007
8:40 am
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nmlp
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Dear burniup and mamacinnamon,

I will look into reading that Stephen King book. I have been sleeping on the couch watching the front of the house since my divorce went through 10 days ago. Last night I tried to sleep upstairs with no luck. My oldest daughter, almost 16 was up watching Punk'd on TV when she saw her Dad peerig through one of the front windows. She immediately called 911 and ran upstairs to get me. I had such a terrible feeling yesterday, and usually that means he is in a bad way. My intuition is usually right on the mark. The police came, and are all to aware of our siuation. I have to go to the station this am to fill out an incident report and they are going to attempt to pick him up. I have an attorney and she is very good. I do document everything. He has hacked into every account that I have, utilities (made changes), insurance (car, made changes) and even locked me out of my own health insurance account for over a year and a half. He changes my passwords, my usernames, my secret questions. He is extremely angry because he told me "you should have kept your mouth shut, what goes on in our house stays in our house". I could not take it anymore. When he blackened my daughters eye, that was it. I knew I had to get us away from him. He is scarey. He reinvents himself where ever he goes. He leads people to believe he is a police officer (wears the hair cut and even wears caps, shirts, jackets with different police emblems (county and state). He walks around with his bible spewing biblical verse. I am truly, truly afraid of him. My poor child was crying last night she was so afraid. She called the police at 1:15 in the morning! You would think that since he is with this other woman, that he would leave us alone. I don' want any contact with him. I was hoping that he would move on, but it just seems to have inceased his ire tenfold. The only things I feel for him is disgust and fear. It is only a matter of time before he will start taking his anger out on her and her children. I don't feel sorry for her, but I do feel sorry for her chilren. They don't deserve this after what they have had to live with. Her children are all under 12. I have had to "turn off" that switch that cares about him. Yesterday, being Easter, I cried for him. Not because I miss him or want him in my life, but because I fear for his soul. He twists scripture to justify his actions and there are clear consequences for that. I was a good wife, and am a very good mother. I gave him hundreds of chances. I just hope and pray that my girls and I will some day find peace, safety, and happiness. Thank you for listening. This helps.

nmlp

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