Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_TopicIcon
FIRST TIMER - NEED IDEAS
April 4, 2000
7:36 am
Avatar
Squirrel
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Gulp! this is my first ever admitting that i need help! I am ashamed to have to say that i have a real problem with my temper. For the silliest of reasons I just flip - my blood literally boils, my skin itches and I cannot think straight. I dont even remember a lot of what i did or said. I have always had a problem with my temper but put it down to being a red-headed female! My family make fun of this, which makes me feel worse.

I am now 14 weeks pregnant, and really cannot keep getting stressed out like this. I also have an 8 year old daughter that I really do not want her to grow up thinking this is OK. (I have never been violent to her! She is my whole world)

I am beginning to lash out and throw things at, and physically hit my husband - who is loving, although not the best person to appreciate other people's problems. But he does not deserve this. I love him to bits, but can't keep treating him this way.

I have scoured the internet for anger management techniques, tried to read articles, do relaxation exercises but if something makes me angry - I cannot put any of these ideas into practise. At the time - it seems that i am perfectly right in my anger, and it's the other person that needs to change their opinion - yet i know that is ridiculous. I can actually hear myself telling myself to shut up and give it a rest, but i just cannot let go until real damage is done. Please help - what can i do?

April 4, 2000
8:33 am
Avatar
hazza
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Squirrel! (nice name!)

My partner too has real anger problems. To live with someone who cannot keep their temper is, to put it mildly, exhausting! That said, you have much in your favour.
You realise there is a problem, you have a loving partner who you love and want to stop getting angry at.

It can be so difficult for those n the recieving end of anger, even when you are the sort of person who can listen to others and do care about their problems, you just find yourself "switching off" after a while because that is really the only way to cope. I used to get involved in the silly arguments all the time and spend my time trying to calm my partner down, but now the only way i can cope is to try to let it wash over me. When he wants to discuss things calmly without anger then that is when we make headway with any problems and this is what we try to do more and more.
There used to be so much problems because he would get angry about something and then the anger would end up being turned on me because i "wasn't being supportive " or something similar.

ANywho, this is what we have found out about the whole anger thing.

Basically you are etting angry because you are inemotional pain, you are lashing out because you want the other person to stop that pain in you, and somewhere along the line you have learned that anger can achieve this. Look at your life, where have you got the idea from that the anger gets you the response you want? i dont mean that you do this maliciously or are concious of it, you are as much a victim of this as anyone! But somewhere there is a history of this behaviour "working" maybe the fact that your family accepted this as part of being a red head, made you feel this was part of your identity? i don't know only you will.

so, there are reasons somewhere why you are using anger to lessen your own pain.

the trouble is that in the long run this doesn't work and causes you more pain so the cycle continues.

is there anything in your life that this anger could be caused by? this is another reason anger shows up, turbulent childhood can often leave a person with bags of swalloed up anger? could you be holding onto a great deal of justifyable anger?

Anyway, now you want to stop it right? so i guess the usual applies, as i write this my partner is in a terrible temper, but he has go out to see a friend.this is progress because he hasn't turned that anger over to me and i am not sitting here feeling guilty. it is not my fault he is angry. hopefully later he will calm down! we will see!!

Something that has helped him is to spend time when you are not angry and think about why you want to stop.
When you are in the middle of anger you will not be able to see the big picture, you need to do this when you are calm.
So relax and think about all the problems your anger is causing, all the reasons why you want to learn to control it. Is it so important that everyone agrees with you??? what would be so bad if you and the person you are angry at agree to disagree?
What is your self esteem like? are you confident enough in yourself to think the way you think and allow others to disagree?

Think about the things that make you angry, is it always the same issues? if there is one or two things that always cause problems, think how you can change it so that there is a compromise?

there are many different causes to anger, but the most common are either it is a learned method of easing your own pain, or swalloed up emotions about issues that you need to deal with. Try to work out whether either / both of these apply to you.
I know some people who are angry that have had very happy lives but have just found that their anger helps them control things. others it can stem from abuse issues and other things. trying to understand where it comes from can really help.
If you feel it is totally irrational, then have you check the idea of it being related to your cycle? or food allergies???

either way, when you have more control on your temper you will find that life is much calmer, a better enviroment for your family so exploring these issues will be worth it.
Please tell us more here maybe we can help get to the bottom of it.
Peace
Hazza

April 5, 2000
4:16 pm
Avatar
Squirrel
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks for this - I have been giving my life some serious thought since this realisation that i have to do something about my temper. a lot of what you say is true. I think inside I can find reasons where i developed my anger. But feel like i am just "whinging" (another trait my family accuse me of!) - maybe here i can get it off my chest and make some progress.

I guess a lot goes back to when i was 13 years old. My mother was taken in for a hysterectomy - which in those days was a huge stay period in hospital. as the eldest girl in the family - i became 'mom'. I cooked for the family, but was often criticised for it not being adequate in some form or another. I used to do all the weekly shopping - in a trolley that was bigger than me! But that never seemed to be right either. even when my mother came out of hospital i had to "look after" the family as she was unable to get around. I dont think i minded at the time - can't really remember, but i do remember going to my room and crying when put down over not doing something right. I think it was here that i put up the barriers and became a bit of a control freak. Apparently (so i was told by my mother) when she was well enough to resume her role - i took exception, and would often criticise my mother for doing things differently to how i had done them. Again, i have no recollection of this - but i do know BIG TIME i hated my mother, and did so right up until the time i left home. But on that day i found a friend. We still clash - but not to the same degree, or as often as before - and usually over something trivial that i felt as a rejection of some kind. EG; she continually tells me about how other people's daughters are doing well at University - despite the fact that i am now in my final year of Uni and she really has no idea about what i've been doing. she took two distant relatives, and my sister and her hubby out for meal to celebrate their passing of exams at college - but not even a "well done" to me for passing Uni exams! She is a brilliant Drama Queen, huge doses of salt needed for any story. She more often than not will take anyone's else's side than mine - even when married (first time around) to a drunk/druggie. She was a flirt - but cant blame her too much, my dad was a bit of a git to her! She was a very young bride, saddled with three kids by the age of 19. She held her looks really well - but my dad who was 11 years older than her was typical ancient fuddy duddy! But i used to hate the way she flirted - and indeed felt threatened as my first hubby was very handsome - lookalike to Patrick Swayze! My mother's dream bloke. To be honest i did have a degree of mistrust with her towards him. But 7 years ago she met a toy boy, divorced my dad after 28 years and married new bloke. she is now really happy. Despite her hubby being only 12 months older than mine - i no longer feel threatened by her. I suspect that it was from here that i really began to get on with my mom.

There are numerous other events in my life that have had a lasting effect on me.

1. I was bullied at school - not surprising considering i was a tiny little scrap of bones weighing in at about 5 1/2 stone! And with long red scraggily hair I was an easy target.

2. My mother was involved in road accident and was unable to drive, so i had to learn in order for the family to continue as best they could. Dont think this had any real effect - but do know from that day on - despite having a brother and sister, it is ALWAYS me that does the running around. Whenever things need doing I am the one to organise it. Dont really mind that - as i say i'm a bit of a control freak. But i do have a problem being taken for granted. which is now the norm!

3. First marriage ended - but have the most beautiful daughter through this so hold no regret - only the fact that i wasted 7 years of my life with a man i didnt love.More upset at losing my car than him! Lost my home through repossession after separation.

4. But then met Mark. Being 8 years older than me, i felt i had found my saviour. He is a really lovely bloke - but the sort everyone wants to mother! No-one could dislike him. Unfortunately he has two lovely kids, and an exwife from the bowels of hell. Although the ex was remarried with 2 other kids, I came in for all the stick when Mark began to stop jumping at her every request. we've had five years of complete and utter hell with her stopping access/accussing me of deliberately making the children ill/ court appearance every 5 minutes over her and the kids etc etc etc - even her solicitor refused to act for her in the end because of her silliness. Social services worked with us, as well as headmaster of their school, as they believed the children to be at risk, emotionally as oppossed to physically although stepdad had been arrested twice for violenec. After the third time of the ex abandoning the children (aged 8 and 10) we applied for residency - but somehow lost. At this point the kids started to say that they did not want anymore to do with me, that i knock them about etc (which seems possible given the subject here - but i swear i have never touched them.) Mark, over the past five years has constantly stood alongside the ex in all her silly games - mostly through fear as she is not the nicest person to cross. He even agreed with her (after 3 years of being together) that 'yes' we were only together because of her approval! this i will never forgive. as much as i love him, and he now realises the hurt he caused me - it will never go away. Time after time, he would agree with her to keep the peace. During this time the kids were being used as bullets in her fight against us, and after the residency failure i decided it would be easier for the kids if they were no longer in the position of piggy in the middle between me and their mom. Mark knows only to well that there has simply been too much betrayal from him for me to take anymore. for the sake of our marriage, i had to walk away from the situation, and left access time to him alone. For some reason ex went funny over this, and the children have not come since Oct 3 last year. They have moved house and school - we do not know where. I felt like another episode of my life has closed. But it always seems as one door shuts, another one opens. and so - up goes the barriers again.....

Mark is the only person who has to suffer my outbursts. I have tried to explain where i am coming from, and how best to deal with me - but raised as an only child, he finds it difficult to cope with other people's problems.

You say how you walk away to give your partner time to cool off. Mark tries this but it just makes me worse. One thing that is sure fire to set my temper is to ignore me - in fact i would go as far as to say that it IS the quickest way to set me off. I do suffer with PMT - but Mark is able to work out what time of the month this is likely to happen and is more "prepared" for outbursts. But when it comes to trying to discuss problems he just does not cope with it. Its easier to put it under the carpet and maybe tomorrow it will have gone away. I have not told him that i am now seeking help - i just hope he will be able to notice a difference.

This all seems like a terrible excuse! As though i had the most awful childhood. I feel as though i lost a lot of my childhood - but i know my mom and dad struggled financially to raise us, and did a pretty good job considering. My dad is often arrogant, insensitive and completely missed the queue for tact - but i love him. My mom is beautiful, young at heart and i enjoy spending time with her - i could never imagine being without her! I get on well with her hubby, although we clash sometimes as he believes women are not really allowed any opinion.

Anyway - sorry this was so long. I do really value your comments. someone on the outside maybe able to make me look at things entirely different. Sadly my family tend to make preconceived judgements over my temper, and so feel that i cannot express myself honestly.

Thanks for lending an ear

April 6, 2000
6:45 am
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You need to realize that (I think) your anger is justified but misplaced.

I live with my mom and she ignores all my accomplishments too. I havee been working two jobs for three years straight (wnet 3 months once with 2 days off) and she feels my husband "needs" the summer off this year when he finishes college cuz he has worked "so hard".

It looks like you are 1) angry at mom for leaving you "in charge" when she went to hospital..no matter that it wasn't her "fault" (you know..she could have found some adult help)(or your dad could have) They let you become a mini adult...probly out of blindness but that doen't matter.
2) It looks like you are still angry at Mom for a)divorcing Dad b) marrying a clone of YOUR husband c) never appreciating you d)family using you as chauffer

Then Mark...the anger there is not totally misplaced. What vows did you take. love...honor...chrish...he sure didn't seem to honor his love for you or cherish you over his ex did he?

Also in the age difference..Is he much like your dad?

There's a good book by Dr Harriet Lerner..."The Dance of Anger" Read it.

You have the right to be angry...even in a rage. You HAVE been dumped on royally. But unless you learn to use it constructively and to your own benefit all it does when yo blow up is look silly and make you a pain in the butt. You are also teaching the daughter you cherish how to deal with her emotions when she is an adolescent and an adult.

If you have the wherewithal you should seek some outside objective assistance in dealing with the anger.

I really admire your forthrightness about this. You seem to have good insight with it all. I do what you do without the rages...everything for everyone and feel bad for them when I get angry that they don't appreciate me. That's OUR problem and not theirs!!

This was rather rambling...hope you get the idea.

Good luck.

April 6, 2000
8:22 am
Avatar
hazza
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi there,
I agree with everything Janes has siad, Your anger is deep rooted from you past and maybe the situations in your life now and not only adding to that anger but also increasing it.

I think maybe you could ask yourself, do you think that part of your anger comes from the fact that you are the only one (apparently) throughout your life who has had to be strong? Maybe youa re seeing those around you taking what you feel to be the weaker path and maybe you wish that they would fight some of the battles soemtimes and let you just rest!

Your upbringing sounds very similar to me! it is very hard to live with constant criticism, with me, it made me become almost incapable of doing anything because of the fear of being told i wasn't doing it right, but with you, i think you did it anyway and got angry at those criticising, which in a way can be better! at least you have a strong self relience!

Okay, how to deal with it all. You need to find what works for you. With me, ignoring my partners outbursts is the ONLY way i have found to cope! i get too drawn in to his anger and quite homnestly it puts me into a depression if i absorb it.
You say that if you are ignored then that makes you worse. Is it the fact that your anger is ignored that is the problems or is it the fact that the SITUATION that makes you mad is being ignored, ie- no real solution to the problem is ever found but it is all swept under the carpet?

This is what i mean't about trying to find PRACTICAL solutions when you are calm. What would you like your Mother, hubby, kids etc to DO to make your life easier?
Have you ever said, hey mum are you going to take me out to celebrate? hey hubby, make your choice sunshine, i am your CURRENT wife, sort your ****out?
i know that sounds blase, but so often we are screaming inside and the other person has no idea that they can help by making simple changes.
Okay assuming you have done all that and still no change, yhour anger however justifyable is still adding to stuff. You are getting mad at Mark because he has let you down badly. Sometimes it helps just to grieve over that, and to say to him how he has let you down, but in the form of a conversation rather than an argument.

You do need to recognise when the anger is growing in you and try to diffuse it, there is a lot of stuff that you need to sort out, with Mark both together. work out solutions.

Try to see if you are continuing to see the one to do everything and then getting mad because that is happening.
Janes is so right about the way we can take over and not even know it. Are you taking on it all and then getting mad about it, try letting go and give other people in your family things that are their responsibility alone.
I think youa re self aware enough to work out what is going on with you! you will know that what is going on is making you mad, you just need to not aloow others for making you feel guilty in demanding that they help out, it is too easy for them to not see the logic and your feelings if you are angry when expressing them, that is why it is better to get calm first deal with the rage and then try to calmely work out a solution.
Good luck, just talking it out here too, can release a lot of pent up frustration.
peace
Hazza

April 6, 2000
12:10 pm
Avatar
Squirrel
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I cannot thank you both enough for taking the time to listen to me droning on. I really do feel like i am getting my head into gear with things you are saying. In the past i've told myself, "hey girl get a grip.." but it's really helpful being able to just talk to you without raised eyebrows and "here we go again" syndrome. Thanx Janes for the book tip, i shall endeavour to go get it asap.

You have both made perfect sense to the ramblings going on in my head. I do get angry at being dumped on - but I just don't deal with it in the right way. how best do i tackle the problem? Do i try to sort out each part of my past in one go - or do i do it a bit at a time? What if i really hurt someone as i am trying to face my past? I read another posting on this site, and they mentioned writing some sort of diary/book to help them deal with issues of their past - would this help me i wonder. I like the idea of trying to "grieve" rather than make sense of some issues. Will sorting bugs from my past really help my temper?

I'm too ashamed to talk to people i know and ask their advise. I cannot yet approach my family and say, "i'm trying to get it sorted" - i am simply to much of a standing joke for being hot headed - seeking help will just add to the possibility of further jokes. I have approached a local organisation for anger management training, i am hoping to see them next week.(if i dont talk myself out of it!). But i have never been more determined to get this thing sorted, so hopefully - with help from this site - i can deal with my emotions without causing hurt to those i love.

Hazza, you hit the nail right on the head with me being fed up of always being the one to be strong - sometimes i haved wished for all the world that i could be in a coma - that way i'm not quite dead, but no-one can get to me, i cant hear anybody. Thats awful isnt it! But here is a good start. I am going to make an effort to not be strong, not to jump in and take over. God that is going to be hard! I must put this into practise first, maybe Mark can help me with this as he also gets fed up with me being put on. I just so hate letting people down.

I've tried to be understanding towards Mark and his betrayal with me and his ex - he does know i am finding it hard to cope with it. since all access stopped 6 months ago, this situation has got better - but after 5 years of crap i have serious concerns as to where his loyalty will be placed should they contact us in the future. I am very skeptical of any promise he makes. People think i am so awful when i say that - but not one of those have had to live with the constant let downs. I do love him - if it wasnt for him I doubt i would be seeking help now, BUT HE IS SO FRUSTRATING AT TIMES!!!! Maybe here i can try to let go of whats happened, and just ensure that i dont get myself back into the same situation if they get back in touch. It sounds awful - but once in a while i would like to be married to a man, not a mouse! I want to someone to take care of me. I suffer with depression - although not often. The last bout i had, i tried to explain that i could not be "me" for a while - but he thought a simple cup of tea would make it all better. Lovely sweet thought - but just not what i needed. God why is life so hard?? I look at people and think "what's your life like" "are you happy, or do you have major crap going on in your life too?" "are you just good at covering it all up but inside you are a mess?"

Am i being unfair to my mom? Do i love her? This was hard - with my dad i was able to answer easily, without hesitation, even though he was a swine - never really liked children, at least not until they could drive!!! But my mom......??? I feel badly let down by her, not only with things mentioned in the past, but she's said and done things against me that were hurtful. A family "friend" got a little amorous towards me (at 14yrs old) one xmas - which caused me a lot of distress - but my mother said it was my own fault for wanting a baby so much???? Never really got my head round that one! She also insisted on this "person" being a regular visitor to us. It was almost as though she were jealous, and wanted to punish me. She is also pretty good at slagging off my dad, wanting all the children to choice sides - I know he wasnt the greatest hubby in the world, but he's still my dad and i dont like to hear things said against him. So this attitude from her causes me problems. But she is my mom - and there's no one on the planet like your own mom - is there? I speak regularly with her, meet her often and enjoy spending time with her - when she is not in her "i know best" moods. Maybe that's it, maybe we are competing for top dog place? Why if it is anger from my mom do i take it out on Mark? Why would i want to hurt Mark, when it is my mother that is causing me the hurt? What on earth can i do to put this one right - or at least allow it all to sink to the back of my head so that i can put it away and get on with life.

I'm sorry - i've just noticed i am rambling on and on again. Any advise on those weird questions would be gratefully recieved! Many thanks to you all again, for not shutting me out.

April 6, 2000
12:56 pm
Avatar
hazza
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey there squirrel (i still love that name!)
firstly, stop saying sorry for "rambling on" you are not. You are expressing here what is making you mad and sad in your life, just like we all do, it is the reason for this site.
secondly, i too have had this whole competition thing with my mum all my life and i can tell you, that is part of her baggage.
you can spend your life trying to understand why she feels the need to compete etc etc, if you want! me personally, i decided (once i understood the core of her issues,) that she aint never going to change any quicker than the progress she is slowly making, and as my dad always says, don't try to teach a pig to sing - it wastes your time and annoys the pig. ie, it is not my job to sort out mother, it is my job to sort out me!
you know, i am 26 now, and it has only been in the last few months that i have stood up to her and refused to accept the guilt she tries to put on me! i told her that i am sick of her manipulating and being snidy and if she wants to bitch about so and so then go speak to someone else cos i am not interested! she is a person who likes to hint at what she wants and i have told her that i am no good at deciphering her little codes anymore, if she wants something then tell me in plain english! and you know she has improved somewhat, she acts the way she does cos she doesn't know another way but she is trying!

it is really hard to make the jump from being a child to being and adult child if you know what i mean, sometimes we always stay the child with our parents. But you are an adult now, you have evey right not to accept the things your mother does that you don't like, you can explain to her, she may get at least half an idea what you mean! but even if you just accept she is who she is and get on with it, you do not need to allow here to upset you anymore, that is your choice. i have done my grieving for the fact that my mother was not the nuturing woman she should have been, i just try to accept her as she is and ignore the parts i don't like! at the end of the day, everyone else is just another person, it is how you feel about yourself that matters, like yourslef the rest will follow.
so who cares what they think about your temper? why even tell them that you are getting help with it? that is your business and yours alone.
with the anger you feel at Mark, maybe you need to accept him too, as he is. Okay so he is a weak man when it comes to standing up to women, like you and his ex wife. but if you have told him how you feel and he has tried his best then that is that, have you seen him make an effort. he is probably exhausted trying to keep the both of you happy! it would be much easier for him too in the long run, to not allow himself to be bullied by his ex, but only he can be the one to see that.
all you can do is decide on what you will or will not tolerate, from anyone.
if you are sick of ex wifey causing trouble the make a decision about her, you can't stop Mark communicating with her because of the children, but you don't have to get involved do you? leave it to them.
it is obvious that the woman is keeping making dramas just to keep herself in both your lives, but if Mark can't see that then there is nothing you can do about that. he will see it in his own time, like when his kids are adults and she is still being abnoxious! that is his baggage, you don't have to pick it up just to see where his loyalties lie, it is an unfair test, because he has children involved in it too, maybe he doesn't want to wage war on their mother?
you can only work on yourself. If you think that by changing other people in your life you would be happier then the answer is no, sure you must say when the people are doing things that affect your life, but that is different from wishing that they had something more to put into your life to make it happier. only you can do that.
Peace
Hazza

April 6, 2000
6:36 pm
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm gonna try and jump back and forth here to share what I think....

Yes start a journal/diary...but don't stop there. be honest with your family and say "I'm seeking professional help because I AM TIRED OF THIS ANGER". Don't let them criticize or make fun of your for it... IGNORE ANY AND ALL COMMENTS AS IGNORANT!!!!!

Sort out the reasons for the rage with a cousnelor. Deal with them in your real life as a group...You are busy and trying to think I am angry now because of Mom but yesterday cuz of Dad and the day before due to Mark..too confusing..Your just angry cuz it is all just to much.

What if you really hurt someone who has really hurt you already. If you deal with this anger you are going to become, possibly, a different person. Would you rather be you with out the anger or stay the way you are. The poeple who really REALLY LOVE YOU will accept the change and adjust or they won't. It doesn't make them or you "bad". We all change. We all have expectations of others in our lives. Do what is best for you and your daughter and thell the rest of them to take a flying leap if they don't like it. Bottom line.

IF YOU ARE ALREADY A JOKE DUE TO YOUR TEMPER DON'T LET IGNORANT IDIOTS STOP YOU FROM SEEKING EHLP. (Brain 'em with a brick") No really...if you are unhappy with your behavior...seek professional help. See line above about "flying leaps to be taken" and by whom!!!!

DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT TALK YOURSELF OUT OF GETTING HELP!!!!!!!!! DO NOT LET THE TURKEYS WHO HELPED FERMENT THIS ANGER WIN!!! (Please)

Practice sayiing "No", "no, I can't do that", "No I have a committment", (No I'm being committed)-(just a joke), No thank you. Write down all the ways you can say no. It is the hardest thing for us controllers to say. Only when we are doing for others (to our own detriment) are we truly alive. SAY NO. Say it loud, long and often!!!!!!!! AND DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT!!!! THE world revolved before you were born and will after you die. You might as well be as happy as you can while you are here!!! You can only love others as much as you love yourself!!!!

YOU ARE NOT LETTING ANYONE DOWN!! Get that thought OUT of your HEAD. Unless it is a kid under 10 you are not responsible for their lives or well being. If you do do do do do for everyone..when to they get to be grownups? and when are they responsible for them. (terribly codependent behavior my dear!!)

Here is a fact I know after 22 years of marriage to a wonderfully attention deficit man...who loves me alot and has never been abusive etc. MEN ARE TERRIBLY FRUSTRATING TO WOMEN MOST OF THE TIME. God made us different and they truly DON NOT see life as we do. IT is okay ..but they are not women. (Women should run the world..we really do but rom behind the scenes.--would any of them know where their socks or underwear was without us.)

If you want him to take care of you -you will have to tell him that in those words...he won't get it otherwise.

The Irish say.."Life is meant to break your heart" Why does life have to be so hard. it doesn't --but a good life is lotsa work - all the time.

Gee whiz girl...you are a truly pholsophical thinker..did you know that about you? Most people never giver a thought about what others lives are like...me too...sometimes too much...oh well.

For minor depression I use St john's wort (lots) Works for me. I am not giddy..just sorta stable most days (I'm raising 4 teens and a husband)

Mom's...Whew... I have just decided in the last year that i don't like my mom. I donlt like her at all and I may not even love her. I didn't pick her and she didn't pick me. She was mean and rotten, nagging and controlling, a bitch on wheels. I don't like her and I don't want to be like her at all. You don't have to love or like your mom. No rules on it. We do tend to make excuses for our parents. but they were adults when we were little and there is really no excuse.

Please examine your feelings toward your dad...you say .."he was a swine" and then you say " but he's my dad" He is just as much at fault for your brokenness as your mom. I finally realized that for as bad as my mom was...our dad never pretected us from her..he never stopped her verbal abuse toward us. that was wrong of him. If your mom has never praised you...has your dad?

We are trained early to "not talk back" "be nice" honor your parents" These are okay for kids but we are grownups now. buyt we stay "kids" in the relationship with our folks.

I would say it is safer for you to unload on Mark...or you feel it is...

Your questons are not at all weird. They are right on the money!!!!

You are doing Graet

You need the following resources:
Melody Beattie..."Codependent No More"
Bepko and Krestan "Too good for her Own Good"-This one is about codependency...the kind women have from just being raised to be "good girls"

Hang in there!!!

Don't let anyone or any feeling keep you from your Anger group!!!!!

My prayers are with you

April 7, 2000
9:25 am
Avatar
Squirrel
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks again both of you - I have actually laughed with you on these messages - first time i could laugh about my anger - instead of people laughing AT me!

I have 'almost' taken the bull by the horns - I have told Mark that i am "working" on my anger problem, and that i need him to work with me. I have sort of let him know how best to help me deal with situations that arise with my family - hopefully this will make me take a BIG step back from everyones else's problems, in order to sort out my own. I have not yet explained about talking on this site, or that i have an appointment for the Anger Management. I want to get my head around more ways forward first. I am going to library this pm to sort out these books advised to read.

I will give serious thought to coing clean to my family - the first one i can approach will be my dad. Now we are adults he copes quite well with us. He was on the verge of suicide when he found out about my mom having an affair and the subsequent divorce - so he was brought to earth real sharp as regards the need to listen to other people when they have a problem. I dont think he would be TOO judgmental - and think he would be quite suppportive that i am doing something about the problem. Once i can confide in one, it will give me a boost for the others - i hope! My mom can be quite scary when you have to approach a tricky subject. My sister is also good, she understands mom's attitude. so she may also be a target for me to aim for.

Your message has made me have to rethink my initial tactic. I was going to cope out of running around for everyone, with a load of excuses. but you are right. i should not feel guilty for letting go - so it will have to be a straight NO to people. Oh dear??!!

I am adamant that i shall not make this message a huge saga again! I have printed off your replies, and will be using them to refer back to when i am not sure of a particular thing. i am also going to read up on those books, and have to meet anger management people on Tuesday. I shall let you know how i am getting on. Please do not think this is me signing off - i still need you!

PS "Squirrel" came through sheer relief that i had found a site where people can get things off their chest and have other people talk to them. through the tears i was looking for an anon. name to use - and a lovely little squirrel ran past my window! Hence the name was born!

I will be in touch again soon.

April 7, 2000
11:34 am
Avatar
hazza
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey squirrel,
you are doing nothing wrong by telling us your story, it is not a saga, it is just you explaining, write as much as you like when you like, in fact we like it! we are all caring and i for one am quite nosy anyway!!!! i even accepted lunch at my neighbours tommorrow and i am ashamed to say that it is because i wan't to see their home improvements just as much as it is a chance for me to get to know them!!But the bottom line is we do care, and explaining to us here helps people understand what you are going through, also sometimes other people can see things in what you write that you sometimes cant see yourself, it can be really useful that way.
i hope you keep us posted, and Janes is right, this is YOUR issue, if you tell people fine, if you don't fine and it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - this is your life and you want it to be better, end of story, if anyone has a problem with that, then i bet it is because the are more concerned with your affairs that their own, which is their loss, they should only judge themselves really.
take care and keep us posted.
Hazza

April 7, 2000
1:22 pm
Avatar
lost soul
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am an angry person now. is all due to my inconsiderate husband. always taking the advantage of my leniency. I have been wasting 12 years with this inconsiderate man.

Sometime, I feel like killing him.

April 7, 2000
5:15 pm
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Squirrel--Stop with the "ohDear" when it comes to saying "No"...Not fake it is very hard to do...just son't let yourself feel qulty about it.

The quilt is the hard thing BANISH IT!!!
We are bery interested in what happens Tuesday.!!!

Lost soul...You should be angry at yourself for puttingup with his inconsideration. If you really see it as wasting 12 years why waste 13?

janes

April 8, 2000
5:18 am
Avatar
Squirrel
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi there. I have tackled my first person. I went to see my dad yesterday and explained to him what i was doing, and why i was doing it. He is the first member of my family who now knows that i have been hitting my hubby, and he agreed that i am doing the right thing by seeking help. We talked for a long time, and he kept asking whether there was anything he has done/said that has helped me to be the way i am. This gave me something to think about.

My dad, as daid was a real git when we were kids. He reallly did not like children at all. Money was an issue and so we never really enjoyed luxuries. My dad was VERY tight with money. I think i have always had a close relationship with my dad - but i think it was because i didnt really get on with my mom, and so naturally turned to my dad when i needed to. I have tried to think of times that he ACTUALLY caused me distress to a degree that i am still harbouring it. As yet i cannot think of anything. My dad is the sort of person that if i have a gripe i can just come right out and say it to him - and he will either defend himself, or admit he may have been wrong. But the bottom line is that i dont need to hold grudge against him - because i am able to confront them head on at the time. But is this denial??? I have really tried to be honest with myself - and the only area in which i can be taken for granted is the running around that i do for him - and even that is minimal. However, i have explained that in the future i shall be saying No to certain things, and that i dont want the third degree over it - just to accept that i am taking time off to sort out my head. If only they could all be this easy! But still, i have now made the move to tell 'someone' - which will also restrict my ease of backing out on Tuesday.

Having gone a few days at this, its getting tempting to say - "Oh I'll just leave anger management - i can do it on my own." But i know i wont when the time comes. I have to keep going with this. It helps to keep hearing and so telling myself that i should not be guilty/ashamed about this temper thing - but if i leave it go, then i do have something to be ashamed about.

Are all angry people confused??

April 8, 2000
8:11 am
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

No....maybe not. All Angry people are confused. If you get the book I mentioned you may see that you might also be "codependent." Nothing to be ashwamed about there either.

We are products of our environment...as children our parents are our "Gods" sorta, but they are just people. They screw up to. The problem is when we make excuses for their mistakes when WE are grown.

Dad have a tendency to let mom's to the kid stuff with us. Your dad may not have done anything "TO" you but maybe he didn't "stop" anything either. Has he ever stopped your mom's criticizng you?? Or when people teased you about your temper/red hair?..like you could choose your hair color or even your temperment!! Screwing up doesn't make either parent "evil"

When in any of your years of life has ANYONE ANYWHERE mentioned to you positive ways to handle anger?

As a teacher I am realizing that anger management, like study skills, needs to be taught and not just talked about. It is a tough one cuz it is also pretty abstract and very individual. Just don't feel guilty etc. Or ashamed!!!!
THAT IS AN ORDER.

Somewhere in this web of a maze of posting I listed signs of suppressed anger...it can be very detrimental...your expression of your anger is actually healthy except that you toake it to phuysical levels. You just need to learn (from professionals) how to use it to your benefit.

Your mom's opinion...you already know how the "all knowing all seeing wisest of the wise " is going to react so you can be prepared. of course she'll be stupid about it. Oh well. She did give the world one great red haired girl.

Keep it [email protected]!!!!!!!!!!! You are actually moving very fast on this. Change may be slow but you are one smart cookie!!!!

You may not back out on Tuesday. There. I'm a mom and I have told you so. Help any?

April 10, 2000
4:59 am
Avatar
hazza
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi there Suirrel,
Good luck on Tuesday, don't back out, just go along and see if it feels right at least. I know it is a big step, but it is a step in the right direction, so go for it.
I am assuming you are british, and you know that here it is SO hard to even find these schemes to help, so if you have one on offer, use it to your advantage, of getting you life back.
Me and my partner tried to find something similar where we live but ther is NOTHING on offer unless we went private, which we just can't afford. So use whatever is there to help you, it is just good sense to make the most of what is available.
i understand what you say about your dad, me too. I could always confront my dad, but like Janes says, i am still aware that i have a degree of anger towards him that he never stood up to my mother in my defence. But he is the man that he is and she is the woman that she is. It is now time for me to make myself into the best person i can be and overide as many of their failings that have affected me as possible, this is all we can do, because parents are jsut people too, it would be nice if they had worked out all their issues before becoming parents but they didn't. Nothing i can do about that other than asccept that as an adult i can now reappraise all i learned from them and choose my own beliefs and question things instilled in me as much as possible to try to make sure that i am not carrying around ideas from them that are not healthy! easier said than done, but i am getting there.
Good l;uck
hazza

April 10, 2000
6:10 am
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hazza is insightful....as always. We are excited tohear about Tuesday!!!
Godd Luck ...and prayers.

April 15, 2000
9:42 pm
Avatar
dragon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey, squirrel
Have you thought of trying Cognitive therapy? it's very effective with anger management issues. Check out cognitivetherapy.com - a very good website explaining cognitive therapy and resources/therapists.
Good luck!

Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
49 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 109291

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38532

Posts: 714177

Newest Members:

hritsyaDazy, zapravkaprofi, pbyffDazy, rjhybkfDazy, dflbifDazy, LavrushkaDazy

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer