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first time writer, just learned about codep
September 29, 2005
5:39 pm
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utgirl
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My father has been going to counseling recently ( almost one year after leaving my mother ) and has found that he is codependent and believes I am as well.

I fit the criteria pretty well, he read me a checklist over the phone.

I however do not feel as if I am in an unhealthy relationship with my boyfriend, but my fathers insistence on me seeking professional help and his disapproval of my current boyfriend leads me to think that he wants to steer me in a direction to end things with him.

Growing up my father was an alcoholic, after sobering up when I was 8 he continued to smoke pot. After being married to my mother for 20 years he left her, insistent that she had treated him badly for years. Their relationship was a rocky one-only knowing each other 6 weeks before marraige-but they were both to blame for the end of it. My mother has gone through the healing process, my father has sat alone and not done much to help himself. I am so glad that he is getting help finally, and I love to hear what he learns everytime he goes to counseling, however I am tired of hearing about him disliking my boyfriend.

I do think I have codep issues and I feel as though being honest with my boyfriend has eased the tension and stress that comes along with being codep. My boyfriend has been through a lot in his life and my father thinks that I am only with him because I feel bad for the suffering he has endured. When in reality I truly care about him and I know he cares about me as well.

I guess what I really want to know is -can a relationship (while being codep) be a healthy relationship if you work towards becoming a healthier person yourself or is that a process that must be satisfied alone? In other words -is staying with my boyfriend (although a healthy relationship) hindering my ability to become a healthier person outside of this relationship?

Thanks for bearing with my rant this long...utgirl

September 29, 2005
6:02 pm
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hi there -

I'd suggest you speak up your mind as open and often as possible to your dad (as to what *you* think about what it is he may or may not think about you or your boyfriend)because doing so will prevent codependency traits from sneaking up on you (or him) and from contaminating your relationship with him (or his relationship with you). So, for example, just say to your dad that you are tired of hearing about him disliking your boyfriend. Don't keep it inside.

as for your question, you may have to work twice as hard to improve on yourself (double burden)- on the personal level ("I") and on the relationship level ("us"). The more healthy you are (becoming as a person), the more able or capable you'll be to manage whatever comes up on either level.

September 30, 2005
4:00 pm
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Anonymous
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all I can say is that it can't hurt to try.

I am in a relationship - but it has it's problems.

we both go to individual counseling, joint counseling and I go to CODA meetings.

try the coda meetings - they are free - http://www.coda.org to find one in your area.

do some reading - codependency no more by melody beattie or womeon who love too much by nora roberts - two good books what will help you gain insight on how healthy or unhealthy your relationship is.

sometimes if we are unhealthy, we think what we have is okay, even if it isn't...maybe your dad sees something you don't now that he is in counseling himself.

can't hurt to try.

not sure how successful you can be while being in a relationship - I'm still too new to tell...depends on how truly healthy your partner is and if he is not, how much he is willing to get help and learn and grow.

being in a relationship gives you a challenge - because you are faced with the problems - which CAN slow you down - because sometimes you need space to work out how to cope - but if your relationship is truly as healthy as you think - I don't think it will be too difficult.

try it - see what happens.

September 30, 2005
4:52 pm
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Anonymous
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Welcome!
What is it exactly that your father doesn't like about your boyfriend?

September 30, 2005
5:00 pm
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Anonymous
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Welcome!
What is it exactly that your father doesn't like about your boyfriend?

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