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First time I'm asking for advice from all of you...
July 26, 2006
3:47 pm
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feelingfree
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Hi All,

I've been posting for some time and have gotten to "know" alot of you pretty well. So far I've been just offering support and throwing my advice around.. but knew one day, I'd be asking for yours. The day has come.

Here it is in a nutshell. Divorced my husband of 19 years because of the financial devastation and emotional rollercoaster caused by his drug use, NOT because I no longer loved him. He is my true soulmate and I love him to this day. He is a beautiful person in every way- addiction was our only issue.

In any event- he has been clean for 4 months now, and we have been spending a great amount of time together. Our son (16) has very much enjoyed spending time as well.
All has been pretty much "perfect".

Today my son calls my cell and leaves me a message that the State Police came to the door asking if my ex was there. My son did not tell him he no longer lives with us (probably because of shock of seeing them at our door), just that he wasn't there at the time. The police asked him if they knew where he worked- son said no (didn't lie- ex doesn't work at one particular address). Asked when he would be back- son said later this evening.

Called ex and he denies knowing anything about WHY they would be there.. and I am FREAKING OUT in my head.. playing out so many scenarios. Picturing him getting cuffed and taken away.. ughh..

Promised myself no more chaos in my sons life or my own.. and here it is again.
Another part of me is so scared.. of losing him AGAIN. Felt like we were kind of 'starting fresh' and putting past behind us.

Bottom line- am I making the biggest mistake letting him in my heart/life again? I would like to stand by him if this situation is something from his past. But if it is something from the present that I am unaware of, that's a different story.

Just would like your thoughts..
(hugs)

July 26, 2006
4:00 pm
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taj64
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I would say that my thought is that addiction only seems like it is the only problem. There is always much more to it than that. That is what I thought about my husband when he was addicted. If only he completely quit, then all problems are solved. but not so simple. 4 months is still pretty fresh and short amount of time. Some people take years to recover. Especially for drugs. You are possibly just thinking with all heart and no head. The police must be there for a reason. Find out first though. WHen living with a drug addict, you must be always prepared that the person will indeed slip even when things seem perfect. Im sure he is a beautiful person, we all can be even with our problems.

July 26, 2006
4:05 pm
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2smart4this
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Unfortunately, it's hard to second guess. The STATE police? They came looking for me once, because my then-separated husband was living & working in a different country, and decided to become a bigamist because he couldn't wait until our divorce was final. The state police came looking for info to give to INTERPOL for charges that the illegal wife made.

I would think that if it's the STATE police, it might very well be about someone else. Arrest warrants are usually handled by the city/county/local police, unless you live in one of those really remote areas....

Maybe it isn't all the worst things you're thinking. There's only one way to find out...he needs to call them (or get a lawyer to do it) and find out what's up.

July 26, 2006
4:34 pm
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lovinglife
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Oh Free...I don't even know what to say here other than just relax and wait it out until you know more. Deep breathes, deep breathes.

Don't allow your mind to get all crazy in thought. And then once you know the WHY- just take it from there, then if need be, sort it all out.

I pray that it’s just a lingering effect of his associations before he got clean and not anything he's done since the two of you have been trying to work things out.

Just don't let your mind go crazy in thought...remember fanasty verses reality????

Take Care. LL

July 26, 2006
4:55 pm
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mamacinnamon
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feelingfree:

4 months is not long enough to know if he is really not using. Stats are 1 in 7 will stay off drugs after addiction. Hard numbers. My present hubby was a pothead. He's been clean 3 years, he says. I don't have proof so must believe him, but in the 14 years we have been married it's been on the wagon, off the wagon, on the wagon, off the wagon. Im sure you now what I mean.

I think I'd sit back and watch and listen. Look for the red flags. Look hard. Let him deal w/ this problem. It is his and not yours. You can be there to listen if you wish, but don't get dragged into it. He's a big boy; it's his to deal w/.

That's my opinion. I'm sorry you are dealing w/ it.

July 26, 2006
5:09 pm
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feelingfree
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Thank you all sooo much.. I have tears in my eyes writing this (so grateful to you). I am trying hard not to obsess, but the Co-D side of me is screaming.. old anxiety crap I used to live by. I don't like any of these feelings AT ALL. Things have been so calm and peaceful.. and now I feel like there is this black cloud.

Son says they asked alot about where he worked, and that scares me.. makes me think they would have gone there if they knew the address. So that makes me think- must be important?
Son also said he gave them my cell number- which surprised me, because they never called me?? Then I think- can't be THAT bad?? Round and round my head goes. So, I'm working out, and on edge waiting for the doorbell to ring. AGHHHH

Anyway.. back to your advice. Taj, Yes, you're right- 4 months is NOTHING.. I am keeping that in mind, but yes, my heart is overruling.
Thank you 2Smart for the encouraging words.. LL- started crying when I read your post.. deep breaths- yes..already told him I'd support him if it was something lingering from past.. and Mama- thank you for reminding me of the most important part- stay out of it and let him deal with it. !!

Love to all- I will let you know as soon as I find out what this is all about.

Thanks again!

July 26, 2006
6:37 pm
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StronginHim77
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You have the legal right to call them and find out if there is an outstanding warrant for his arrest. They will tell you right over the phone.

I am praying for you.

- Strong

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