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finding real friendships
June 12, 2000
12:55 pm
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lrp
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I don't know why, but i find it extremely difficult to make real friends who can be relied upon, trusted, with whom i can share my real emotions. I always come across only those to whom i have to prove something, and to be on the defensive. Whenever i read in articles that good friendships are extremely important, i wonder what i have to do for that. Also, almost 90%of people that i have come across have hurt me in one way or other. I find this extremely disheartening. Once someone has hurt me, I find it extremely difficult even to develop a casual friendship. Recently in a magazine i read that "it is healthy to be alone than sick together". Any reflections in this, please?

June 12, 2000
1:34 pm
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sweetiepie
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Finding real friendships can be somewhat of a challenge. Unfortunately, I had one and lost her to a loser ex-boyfriend. When it comes to friendship, I can be very picky as well. I want someone with the same goals and interests. It is like finding your soulmate. I just moved a couple of months ago and I still have not found a true friend. Right now my best friend is my husband. Right now, that is all I need. I promise keep looking. Go to some local places and I am sure you will find one. Trust is really important too. But, all people are different, you can just automatically assume that they are not trustworthy. Give them a chance. It is like a relationship. If I still held all those memories I would not be married today. Good luck sweetheart and I wish that we lived close because I would be your friend!

June 12, 2000
2:50 pm
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Cici
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In some ways, we encounter what we seek. The relationships you develop, their strength, endurance and quality, are directly related to how you feel about yourself. This is because of the unconscious signals that we project to those around us. Body language, the tone of your voice, the way you meet people's eyes.

We seek what will make us happy adn fulfilled, but too many times, especially in America, we seek satisfaction externally. When you become truely confident and satisfied with yourself, you will find that in your external life as well.

I don't know if this sounds a little esoteric...let me relate my own experiences. When I was younger, i was very self-conscious and had very low self-esteem. In turn, I was dissatisfied with my friendships. My relationships with men were always tumultuous and filled with disagreements because I barely knew who I was...how could I expect that anyone else could understand me if I didn't understand myself?

So, after my best friend of 10 years slept with my boyfriend of the time, I spent about three months by myself, trying to understand why my life had taken the course that it had taken. I was completely without support. Drug abuse had distanced me from my family and all my old friends had gone to other colleges and I had relied solely on my best firend and boyfriend for socializing.

During that time I realized certain things about my life, which aren't universal truths because there is no universal meaning in life. There is only personal meaning. Anyways, suffice it to say that I found myself, in that weird, hippie way that people do sometimes. I found out who I was and who I could be. A year later, I am doing well in school, am planning to be married, refreshed my familial relationships and find satisfaction in the circle of firends that I've found.

So, inthe ifnal analysis, it's up to you. How you feel about yourself, who you are, all that. You know. The unexamined life is not worth living. Like in that Audrey Hepburn movie, Sabrina...when she was in Paris, for the first time, alone, she learned how it was to be by yourself. Doing that, you learn who you are, and then you aren't so inscrutible to others.

June 13, 2000
2:02 am
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Iris
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What is life without others? Miserable!.Relationships have a dual nature,it gives rewards and cost a price. So,when relationships involve such things as nagging, envy, interference...etc it affects our well-being negatively.

The issue then depends on the QUALITY of the relationships.AT LEAST one GOOD relationship might be enough.

June 19, 2000
8:32 am
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lrp
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Thank you all for taking time to reply.It was very helpful. I feel that it is true that how I feel about myself influences how others treat me. But still I cannot understand how I pass the negative signals.....Do I pass signals unconsciously asking others to hurt me in one way or other?I have started reading Nathaniel Branden's "six pillars of self esteem". I am still in the introduction of various topics relating to self esteem. But I still could not find the answer reg the above.

I face every new interaction with others as a possibility of a new trusting friendship. The experience of my constant failures has not affected that, I feel.It is somewhat like being inthe market for new skin care products. I love to try the products which promise "glowing skin".But once i try I will start breaking out. But immediately I will start searching for some new product which promise the same. Sometime I wonder at my "rebounding ability" . But i don't know when i will completely lose this and will be permanantly influenced by my failures.

But before that I wish I could improve my self esteem if in fact it isthe reason.I will be happy to know about your ideas.

June 19, 2000
10:21 am
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Cici
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THe thing is that no ne can tell you what to do about certain things. The jouney must be internal. You must find meaningin your own life through what you do. There are those who seke fulfillment through their professions, like many health care providers, teachers or councelors. Some people seek fulfillment by helping others.

But across the board, most psychological theorists claim that it is excessive self-focus that can lead to deprssion. If you're not made aware of the community in which you live, then you will continue to focus solely on yourself. One of Allport's characteristics of a mature person is the ability to extend yourself beyond your own ego. In today's societies, that's very difficult. Cities leave you feeling alienated and alone. Westerners also value individuality above all else. Psychologist Karen Horney blamed the way Western societies are structured as teh cause for alienation, depressiona nd lonliness. We are hyper-competitive and taught to focus on ourselves only.

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