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Finding My Lost Self Respect
April 14, 2007
12:56 pm
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ShortCake
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I think I just learned something last night. My mother and I were talking about life and how I can see that I make poor choices in men, but I don't take steps to stop the pain, I take steps to encourage it. I can see I am not making healthy choices, but I don’t walk away.

Then my mom asked me this question..."When did you start loosing respect for yourself?” I thought about it and went back a few years ago when I respected and loved myself. I realized, that I lost all my self respect when a guy I was dating told me how I was the other women, It was a bad time in my life and I found myself confused with no self respect. I had gone against everything I believed in and I was lied too by this man. After that I have now dated 2 other guys who don't show proper respect. I think its because I don't respect myself.

My friends have dated married men and learned from it, they have stopped their pain and I have talked with them, supported them, and encouraged them to forgive and love themselves. Why can’t I forgive and love myself. Why can’t I demand self respect?

This was my break through. I finally see that I need to respect myself to find my own inner love. Therefore, this is something I am working on... I never new this was the cause of all the pain I have suffered over the past few years. I mean I have always had coda tendencies but after loosing my self-respect, I find my codependency even stronger and harder to deal with…

I wanted to share this, maybe someone else can look back to when they respected and love themselves and see a break through.

Now, my question is… now that I see what I need to do, can I be strong enough to do it for me?

Shortcake ~

April 14, 2007
1:13 pm
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I think you are right, that is my problem to a tee... I have no self respect, I hope others on here can help us out with this one..

April 14, 2007
2:01 pm
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Rasputin
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SC & Elle~

Self-resepct or healthy self-esteem starts when you begin to heal. Good traits will start to integrate in your personality and the old ones start to detox. Hence you start to make healthy choices and show respect to yourself as well as to others.

It would be worthwile to invest in buying some self-help books that can help you build & reclaim your self confidence & accompany you on your journey, support group, friends etc.

Happy journey!

April 14, 2007
2:03 pm
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balancesekr
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shortcake,
Some day you and I are gonna have to do it for ourselves.

I know what you are talking about, thinking about a time when you had self respect. I think about when I was in a relationship and didnt panic about it, I felt good, I was living my life. The guys I was choosing were not that great but they werent terrible, but the difference was I got out of the situations pretty quickly.

I went against myself getting involved when I knew I wasnt ready and I am losing my respect each day that this carries on. And I am inviting more pain for myself.

SO, I sit here today... I am not going to see my boyfriend today... I am gonna try hard not to think about EVERYTHING and just focus on what is in my control.

To find the self respect, I think I need to pay more attention to what I am feeling and not attach negative thoughts to the feelings.

April 14, 2007
2:52 pm
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thedogsmom
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I think I'm just learning this too. I always thought I had the utmost confidence in myself and loved and respected myself. I was also talking with my mother about my codependent girlfriend whom I feel stays in the very bad relationship with her cheating boyfriend as she has low self-esteem. My mother suggested that I have the same problem- pointing out that my relationships with men tend to be with men who are either unavailable or needy and turn away those that I fear may be too 'smart' or 'out of my league".

In my soul searching to find away out of this hell-hole I have accepted living with a drug addict and all the turmoil that comes along with it.. I have to agree that I don't have that much value or respect for myself. Always looking towards others and seeking their approval before making decisions=- or not making any decisions at all and just letting life happen to me.

well - guess this is the first step in finding my lost self respect. Realizing it is a problem and now working to gain it back.
thanks for the thread and good luck to you in your venture.
TDM

April 15, 2007
10:35 am
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gracenotes
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Oh, yes, I look back to the times when I was involved with negative relationships, and I guess they felt it was their job to put me down, minimize me, create their negative version of who they think I am.

When I think of these times (probably 3x in my life), I also felt like I was out of integrity with myself. I said things I wish I hadn't, I did some things I wish I had not, mainly in response to the other person's negative perception of me.

The answer to all of this has been healing -- healing from love addiction, healing from codependency -- using good self-help books, such as those by Pia Mellody, being in therapy, posting here, letting go of negative people in my life to make way for better people and situations, and empowering myself to do things that bring me enjoyment and are not dependent on the whims of someone eles, such as immensing myself in creative projects.

I still stuggle some with this at times. I think its ok to care about what others think, but to also, especially it it is anything negative, to consider the source, ask myself why they would be saying something like that to me, etc. I have also learned that healthy people do not act like that, so, largely, I surround myself with healthy people who would not even think of acting like that. It really has more to do with them than me, anyway, meaning its their problem about how they see themselves and its been a long time since I even engaged in any drama over this.

Its just totally worth working toward doing your best every day, and doing some recovery work.

April 15, 2007
8:51 pm
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fantas
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I was in my mid thirties and I didn't even know that I didn't respect myself. I thought I was make it and that it wasn't me who was the problem. The guys and all the crazy people in my life were the problem. After dealing with a psychotic boyfriend, it finally dawned on me that I was missed a life manual that others seemed to have. I am just now beginning to not allow myself to engage in situation that are hurtful to me, I am still attracted to crazy people but I just work really hard not to fall into old patterns. I have read all manner of self help books, counselling, EMDR, CoDa, AA, AlAnon, name it, I am trying it. I think it will be a life long effort on my part. I have realized that my mother's relentless physical abuse caused me to not love myself and to feel comfortable in unloving and distant relationships. Thank you for sharing your experience. It's good to see that I am not alone.

April 15, 2007
8:57 pm
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ShortCake
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Thank you everyone. This post has been amazing. I see so many wonderful idea's and so many people working hard at their personal recovery.

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