Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
finding love and affection in a relationship
April 14, 2000
4:38 pm
Avatar
dawn317
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

how does a gal find the proper mix of not crowding a guy and pestering him? i've sorta come up with the idea that he will come to me but i seem to be missing out on opportunities that he didn't communicate to me. I live with this man and need some advice on how to get together with him so i can recieve the affectiona and attention i crave, insted of feeling bitter that i'm missing out

April 15, 2000
4:06 pm
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Many of the osts on this thread have men that don't communicate...I think with guys you have to say it out loud in a calm voice.. and keep repearting what you want or they don't get it. If he still doesn't get it he is not as interested in the realtionship as he might be.

Let us know more.

April 16, 2000
3:53 am
Avatar
dawn317
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thank you Janes...well that's what i would have thunk too!

I asked him do you love me? reply :yes
do you wnat me to move out because your just not into this relataionship any more? Reply: no

i ask him to make love more than i ned to...his reply: let it be my idea
My reply: you don't get it, i need it when i suggest it,,,duh!

He's not a good communicator, nor is his dad so i know where he get's that from.....
any suggestions on how i can encourage him to communicate better?

April 16, 2000
4:37 pm
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Just keep working on it. Trust can be a big issue. Was he burned badly in the past.

I read a lot at http://www.drirene.com (verbal abuse site) and she said tell people what you want two times. and if they don't get it they don't get it.

Keep working on it. Maybe he'll get better.

April 17, 2000
2:17 pm
Avatar
infaith
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The only relationship you should be putting the majority of work into at this point is the relationship with yourself. This is the tree from which all delicious fruit with come forth. God bless you

April 17, 2000
2:39 pm
Avatar
infaith
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I type so fast, i am not careful enough with my words. What I meant to say is: You are the tree from which all delicious fruit will ripen and come forth. I am using the tree analogy because the branches are our relationships with others.
I have learned, the hard way, ALL relationships in our lives are the result of our relationship with ourselves, these are ourward expressions. Once you take full responsibility for this, you have full control over your life and your happiness. God bless

April 19, 2000
8:15 am
Avatar
dawn317
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you for your replies...
Okay I'll say it co - dependent...i thought i was over it, but he just nurtured it, in the beginning say the 1st 6mo., we've been together about 18 mo. now. He spent all his time with me wanted kisses and hugs anytime he'd cross my path, never said NO to love making, but at times it was too much for me ..sometimes i was exausted ( i'm a Welder by trade and boy that's tough work!) most of the time my back was killing me and lots of times i was grumpy, but his kind gentle attitude back rubs and compassion was great and brought me back to life! now he wears his feelings on his sleeve and i hate that! apparently i've bruised our relationship, by being bossy and trying to change him and pester him to be the man i wanted him to be, recieving your feedback has made me think about all the things i have done to merit his " lack of lustre" gosh i miss him...even tho i live with him he's so distant...will he ever come out of the cave? I'm needing his love and compassion NOW...what can i do to earn the back the wonderfull man i used to know? i've stopped trying to change him, no more gripping..live and let live, i know he loves me, but boy am i tired of being rejected, by my old flame. any suggestions will be great!

April 19, 2000
9:12 am
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It's the most frustrating thing to try and communicate with someone who is just being unavailable to you. It's hard to try and talk to them if all you get are one-word responses.

Sometimes when we try so hard to make someone into the idea we have in our head of how they should be, that person is often confused. On the one hand, they love you and want to please you, on the other, they want to be their own individual person. THe goal is to find a balance between pleasing yourself and pleasing others.

One thing I need to mention quickly is an issue I've been discussing with my fiance. That is, sometimes we react or have feeling comletely unrelated to our partner, even during interactions with our partner. If those feelings are sufficiently strong, be it positive or negative, we seek to operationalize those feelings. We seek to find external cues and reasons for our spontaneous feelings because that gives us more of a sense of control over ourselves and our environment. Example: I have seere anxiety attacks...the whole sweaty, hyperventilating, heart-fluttering, nauseous mess. Before I realized what they were, I would attribute that physiological arousal to being angry or upset with my fiance. Then I would complain about his behavior and pick a fight, which would blow up in my face due to my already upset state.

So what I learned from this is that when I get irritable, angry or upset, I have to really sit down and analyze, like peeling an onion, why I'm upset. Usually it is jus tlike peeling an onion. You cry at first, but when you get down to the core, you realize there's nothing there. Once this happened, I stopped picking fights and criticizing my fiance. our relationship has been more stable since then, and our disagreements actually do get things changed or change our attitudes.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that the way to earn back trust is to accept. You know, the serenity prayer they use in AA and NA...

The Serenity Prayer

(full text)

GOD, grant me the serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change,

Courage to change the
things I can, and the
wisdom to know the difference.

Living ONE DAY AT A TIME;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this
sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make
all things right if I
surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy
in this life, and supremely
happy with Him forever in
the next. Amen

Reinhold Neibuhr-1926

Love,
C. 🙂

April 21, 2000
1:50 am
Avatar
dawn317
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thank you cici - great advice, i knew i wasn't crazy...I just want him get his hair cut, shave that stupid beard off, eat right, take a vitamin once in a while, tell me his problems, tell me if he's un-happy, quit saying I dunno...., spend time with me and the home - less with the computer, visit friends and above all.....be happy i'm trying so hard to NOT gripe and change him but damn! is my only reward ...i still get to live with this very unavailable man? gosh is there nothing i can do or say in a kind way...hey sweetie...can you work on our life a little more? I am damn it!

April 21, 2000
9:34 am
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

All you want him to do is:
1) get a hair cut
2) shave his beard
3) eat right
4) take vitamins once in a while
5) tell you his problems
6) tell you if he is unhappy
7) quit saying I dunno
8) spend time with you
9) spend time at home
10) get off the computer
11) visit friends (with You, right?)
12) Be happy
13) make love when you want to
14) Be available to you
15) Work on your life together.

He may not know where to start.

You seem to know exactly what you want in a relationship and in a mate. If he has withdrawn from you this may be a sign that he is not seeking the same type of relationship that is most appealing to you.
If he has brought out the codependent traits in you again you should probably seek some advice from a therapist who is good at relationships whether or not he will go is up to him and not as important as you going.

I think you need to work on you and stop trying to remake him. Seems like he is being a bit relutant about changing anyway.

And from the things you want him to do you almost sound more like his mom than his lover.

I think you need to concentrate on you and less on him. If you cannot back off and let him be him you may need another man. If he (or any other guy) cannot meet you halfway on your issues now he never will. YOu shouldn't have to go more than halfway for anyone.

I hope things get better .

April 22, 2000
6:08 am
Avatar
dawn317
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OK any suggestions on how to start working on ME? i feel so helpless right now...I've lost my job and alot of support from my boyfriend, my kids don't live with me, and i feel pretty worthless right now(but were as close as can be with my not having physical custody), I'm 38 years old and my b/f is 40 we agreed when we first started living together about 18 mo. ago were getting to old to start over and date and keep that stupid pattern going, so let's do the best we can that 2 good people have to offer one another, I'm so afraid he's going to ask me to break up - find my own place or something along those lines. I'm so afraid of what may come, I can't figure out what to do next...I have counseling set up for April 26th. but suggestions on where to start are most welcome i feel like the 26th is weeks away. Thanks all. Dawn

April 22, 2000
8:32 am
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

If you read many of the "trheads" here you will gain many valuable ideas.

Writing in a journal is the first that comes to my mind. It canalso be a plus in talking to your counselor as it can help you remenber what has been bugging you.

Put this in your idea hat...you are NEVER to old to start over. Never!!

HOW to work on you? Concentrate on YOU!! Not on "how do I keep my boyfriend, how do I get my kids back,
Just how do I get "better"

You already have a certain amount of awareness because you came here already scheduled for counseling in three days.

Hold your head up high, look in the mirror and say "I am valuable, lovable, capable etc etc" and BELEIVE IT!!

Lost your job? That can be soooo depressing!! But you were looing for a job when you got that one. There is another waiting for you.

God never closes a door without opening a window.

Keep us posted!! We're rooting for you!!!

April 23, 2000
11:07 am
Avatar
dawn317
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you Janes and others who have contributed to my need for support...your kind help and valuable suggestions have been alot of comfort to me, i WILL use these idea's to gain strength and control of MY life. you'll never guess...I have my resume posted on Monster.com and sombody called me to take a job, a wonderful opportunity but in Oklahoma LOL I live in Indiana, wonder if i can comute? everyday is a new day and i'll figure this out some how, your right! Thanks again for your support and i will keep you posted.

April 24, 2000
9:39 am
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What's to keep you where you are?

New state, new job, new life, new you!!

NEW MAN!!!!!

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
24
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110922
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38536
Posts: 714207
Newest Members:
Corties, patrickstayes, kevinkovalsky, izzy39, RoyFollman, kevin021
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer