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financial infedelity
February 9, 2006
6:26 pm
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hocuspocus
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what do you do when your husband continues to make really bad financial decisions and digs me deeper and deeper into debt. Opened a credit card in my name, and ran it up over 30,000 and took a lot of money out of the bank without discussing it with me, owes alot in taxes and the list goes on. Its not just a one time thing, its constant, I know its suppose to be for richer or poorer, but there are legal matters and liens on our property and he continues to make poor decisions. Any advice??

February 10, 2006
2:06 pm
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Notsure
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Take charge. Give him an ultimatum, if he can't be responsible you will be.

You handle the money or he will be handling the money but on his own.

You are responsible for any debt in your name as well as joint debt.

Notsure

February 10, 2006
2:16 pm
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hocuspocus
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I have already had to pay off so much, I just dont know if I can take it anymore, he opened credit cards in my name , and I didnt even know about it until it was too late and I had a lean on my house. I have 4 children and the money he keeps bailing himself out with is from an inheritance from my father, I understand emergencies and things like that, but this is just getting out of hand, before I knew about the cr. card, he took 25,000 for something else, and another $10,000 for something else before that. I just didnt know that he was this irresponsable until recently because he would hide the mail and I just never found out. All collection calls were going to his cell phone etc. I could have filed for identity theft, but I didnt want to put him in jail. I just dont know how things got so wrong and I dont see him going in a good direction now either. I dont know what is going on in his head, doesnt he realize he has a family to feed and care for?

February 10, 2006
2:19 pm
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butterflybaby
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Where is all of the money going? Could he possibly have a gambling addition? That could be a reason he was hiding it all from you. I agree with notsure but it seems like you really need to stand up and try to take charge of things here before they get anymore out of control. I got screwed by my ex hubby of taking on every liablity we had when we were divoreced. Two years later here I am still paying it off...and who knows how much longer it will take but atleast I stopped it from growing. Now I am not suggesting you leave him but just take a stand. Is there anyway you can get the mail before him?

February 10, 2006
3:05 pm
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hocuspocus
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butterflybaby,
I get the mail now, and I check my cr. report constantly although my credit is completely destroyed so he cant do much else, but I am so infuriated that he chose to sacrifice me when he got himself into financial problems, there are so many other options, but he chose to screw me and it is just eating at me and I cant make my anger at him go away. I dont trust him and what money I have left I feel that some how he will just find a way to manipulate me into bailing him out of any other problems he gets into. His business is not going well , I just know its going to be another problem, fortunately the business is not in my name, but because we are married, doesnt his problems become mine, legally??

February 10, 2006
3:29 pm
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Notsure
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You need to see a lawyer pretty quick about all these finacial matters. And personally given the exposure that he has subjected you to I would also serioulsy look at getting out of this marriage if he doesn't CHANGE his behaviours immediately. But then that is me.

You need to do what you think is best for you.

It is possible that he is having an affair, covering business losses, doing serious drugs, gambling, or borrowed money over something that you do not know anything about.

Again though GET A LAWYER TO TAKE A LOOK.

Notsure

February 10, 2006
7:27 pm
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gingerleigh
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Seconding the opinion to talk to a lawyer ASAP. The lawyer will be able to hunt down the answers for you about how much of this you have to take responsibility for.

If I were you, I would be hurt beyond belief. How did you find out that all of this was going on?

February 11, 2006
10:18 am
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readyforachange
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Definitely time to get some serious help on your side....I would totally agree that you need to get a lawyer involved, and a marriage counselor.

I also agree that you need to find out what he is doing with all of this money. If he's into something illegal, you need to know. Find out what is happening to the money...a lawyer can help with that.

Marriage counseling is also a good idea. I don't know if a marriage can survive with such severe lies and manipulation. He needs to know that you aren't going to take it any more, and that if he doesn't change his ways and seek counseling, your marriage will suffer.

My ex wasn't quite as bad as your husband.....but he did hide money in accounts of his own without my name on them, closed joint accounts so I couldn't get to them, and paid his mother $900 a month in "rent" during our divorce so that she could turn around and give it all back to him when the divorce was final. My lawyer saw through every one of his lies, and he was accountable for every penny. Marital assets are marital assets...50/50. Was your father's trust set up with only your name on it? Is your h. allowed to get at it? I would see a financial planner or lawyer to see if you can get the trust money put in accounts for the kids college, or in your name alone, so that he can't spend it all.

Good luck....be strong and take charge. It's your credit and your future, don't let him ruin it for you and your kids.

February 11, 2006
3:06 pm
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hocuspocus
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ready for a change,
I have taken those steps already to put everything in my name, now I have to treat him like a 5 year old, but everything is just eating at me, I am just so mad because I cant believe he chose to sacrifice me instead of talking about the situation and letting me know he was in trouble. The worst part is he sold his business to try and fix the problem, and then instead of paying off all of these problems he has created, he bought another business and it is not going well either. So now there is the debt from the last business and his new business is creating new problems, fortunately not in my name, because my credit is totally destroyed already. I would have been able to forgive everything if he had just paid everything off when he had the money in his hand, but he chose to buy this other business, which isnt benenfiting our family at all. I feel like Im doing everything on my own to take care of my family, so I should just do it on my own. The thing is , he was never like this and I dont know what has come over him. I am totally puzzled and heartbroken. At one time he would have done anything for me so I havent given him the boot yet, Im wondering if I had done these kind of things if he would be bailing me out or trying to help me. Its just so out of character for him and I dont understand for the life of me. I dont know if I can get him to counseling, but I think we could both use it. He has some kind of a problem, and I am having a huge problem with putting it behind me.

February 11, 2006
8:14 pm
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readyforachange
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You say that at one time he would do anything for you...what changed? If he still feels the same way about you, the least he could do is try counseling with you. You both could benefit, and it would show you whether he's willing to work at the relationship. I'm glad to hear you are doing what you can to take care of your finances, or what's left of them. You may need more than what you alone can do though, that's why I think a lawyer would be helpful.

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