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Finally, Real Love....but now slipping away
March 7, 2001
4:39 am
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notagoober
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September 24, 2010
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Over the past 13 years I have gained an awful lot of personal knowledge in the Recovery area. It was hard-learned,and hurt so damn much to go through I was sure I'd never have those familial/relationship problems again (Prince of Tides-ish kind of stuff).

3 years ago I ran across my high school sweetheart and we both fell heavily for each other and married. I noticed that she was struggling with some shame/blame patterns and childhood issues, and OUR problems were increasing in frequency and intensity. Her negative behaviors escalated, and she soon began blaming me for all her unhappiness. I gave in to whatever actions she demanded of me to make her happy, but of course it didn't make her happy. I KNEW she was taking the first steps of a very hard journey in her life, so I allowed her to use me as a scapegoat ad lib, while I "TOOK THE HIGH ROAD" of patient understanding, stoically cognizant of the fact she was just "sick" and it would pass. As her tainted perceptions got worse she verbally and non-verbally attacked me mercilessly and often. I calmly pointed out this destructive pattern and encouraged her to get help. I said I loved her more than anything and I would not abandon her in this crises time. However, everything I said or did by this time was percived as wrong, she had nothing but contempt for me, and she angrily left me (two weeks ago).

I recognize MY error of "giving in", and feel that I was so afraid that I'd make things worse for her that I did not protect or defend myself. My reactions were deliberately forgiving and non-threatening without condescension. Consequently, she percieved me as FECKLESS and THE ONLY reason for ALL her troubles. (The other failed relationships and emotional sufferings of her last 42 years have not entered her mind YET!)

She has been a family friend and the girl next door all her -- and my--lifetime, and is only now beginning to define herself. The therapist she started with a month ago is excellent, and she seems to be in the early phases of the recovery process. A marriage session is scheduled for us (this Friday), and we are to state what we each percieve as the "problem". I spoke with her briefly on the phone today and she sounded very self-righteous and rock-solid-certain in her blaming of me.

I have had a very hard time over this. I don't know what to say to her on Friday. If I try to establish boundaries at this late date and confront her over her cruelties, she'll certainly feel vindicated that the problem was definitely always ME. I don't want to cause harm by committing a non-therapeutic faux pas --- and I'm sure to have deep regrets if I permanently alienate her. Have I already lost this love-of-my-life anyway? I can't find a healthy/enlightened posture to take, and am just sick with grief over the upcoming NO-WIN situation on Friday. Please suggest any options you see.

I'm hoping that either:
1. She acknowledges she may have impaired judgement, and agrees to come back home to work out her issues while continuing therapy, or
2. We part ways in a manner affording her the best possible chances of recovery. I think I can take the loss better if I know that she is okay somewhere --- and that I did not complicate matters worse at the end of the relationship.

I eagerly look forward to your kind assistance. K

March 8, 2001
12:12 am
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Molly
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September 30, 2010
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Oh, please! Get back into therapy. Leave this person to deal with their life, and do your own work. Call it all off, you, and your mate are not close to ready for this, or much else.

March 14, 2001
6:56 pm
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cerry
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September 24, 2010
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Dear not,

I am sorry for your misfortune but at this stage of the game I would advise you to take care of yourself first. How can you tend to putting her needs before yours. I would suggest that when you go on Friday to the therapist be honest and open up and tell the truth. Nothing is easy these days but life is too short to get verbally abused physically and mentally.
I really think you should really tend to your own issues. Don't defend her, defend yourself. You don't seem happy at all. Do something for yourself......take care.
Cerry

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