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Finally, I think I figured a way out of my mess
January 25, 2005
4:16 pm
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Anonymous
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Ok,

I've been on here since I first discovered this wonderful website. I have been in a bad relationship, going through sexual abuse issues, getting therapy for anxiety and depression while trying to run a booming restaraunt but flailing company due to mistakes and etc. etc. Also working with the ex to this very day, never a day out of each others sight. I always thought I was financially bound to this and have been suffering financially as well as emotionally, because I have been boxing myself in. I was reading a post earlier and responded, and in doing that I figured what I need to do to get out of my mess before it gets (if possible) any worse. Legalities are starting to come up now. So I will walk to the banks I owe, and the tax man, and work out a payment plan and come clean with them. That otherwise I will be broke but I want to pay for my debts and keep my word, even if it takes a little longer. And I will see their reaction. A part of me is feeling guilty towards betraying me ex this way but he already has someone to come in after me and start a new company.

And the other part of me is saying you deserve to do this for yourself, and your future. I need to keep the courage until tomorrow, because this is my way of saving my name, financially. Should I feel guilty for this? I have tried for close to a year and I am not happy and feel like I can't move on until I finish this. Its all-or-nothing with him, it would never work out part-time. I have come to realize that, because we are both sick and still end up going back into our old patterns.

This is really hard to swallow. But I know its what I have to do now. I have tried and know better now that I have hindsight. I'm just afraid of losing this courage tomorrow morning, like it will slip away tonight.

January 25, 2005
4:23 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Magga: Sounds like you have found a way to resolve this situation and still hold your head high. You should be very proud of that. This has been a long and complicated stuggle for you and now you will be able to look in the mirror and say Good Girl to yourself. You are what matters. The bf has not been good to you and you don't owe him anything because in the long run, it is you that matters here. The way you are handling this will secure a better future as well, whatever that may be. Give yourself a huge pat on the back and smile to that wonderful gal in the mirror! SD

January 25, 2005
4:23 pm
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KWMike
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As soon as I stopped saying that "we" are sick and started saying "I" am not healthy enough, I was better able to focus on myself. I am doing well today.

All the best, keep posting!

January 25, 2005
4:33 pm
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Anonymous
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Thanks SD,

this really is the scariest step so far. I have no idea if it will work out and I am taking a big gamble. But I feel in my heart I cannot do this anymore, I am not happy and i am looking for balance, and security in my life. I will never get it without creating that environment and the environment I'm in now is chaos and eternal surprises. Its not working for me anymore. I'm going to focus on coming here tomorrow and being able to say I did it, and its over.

January 25, 2005
4:36 pm
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Anonymous
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Hey KWMike,

I agree, I just wanted to emphasize that we kept sucking each other back into the drama. A little cycle...
Thanks:)

January 25, 2005
4:50 pm
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KWMike
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Maggalisa, I will be looking forward to seeing your post tomorrow, it will be an inspiration. You can do it!

January 25, 2005
5:02 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Magga; Life is all about taking risks, isn't it? All of it is scary if you think about it. You took a risk w/ the businees, you took a risk w/ the bf, you're taking a risk now. There is never certainty in anything it seems. But if feels right to you to do this, then its gotta be good. This isn't a snap decision, you've been dealing w/ this quite a while and I think you've worked damned hard at making it work. Its taken a toll on you and I'm sure you have learned a great deal. I'm cheering you on whatever you decide! SD

January 25, 2005
6:10 pm
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sewunique
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magga,

I have been following your threads, but don't have your experiences, so I rarely, if ever, post to you. I know you have had a pile of things on your plate, relationships, business and of course, yourself as we do. What caught me eye was your last sentence when you stated you know have figured out what you need to do, and hope you can come back tommarrow being able to say "I did it".

What struck me as interesting, it appears to me that you have resounded out your thoughts and plans here. First, we often get our plans in our minds, then talk it out, even verbalize it out loud to others. This I see here. You have not only committed your action to yourself by writing it here, you have confirmed it by sharing it with others. Sort of a like a pact you make of going on a diet then if you tell others you will loose the weight, you confirm the commitement to it by announcing it to others.

Secondly, I know you are planning this, but leave yourself some lee-way if it is not tommarrow, but happens in a couple of days, or if you change you mind. The reason I suggest this is, I caution you to in being so adamant about it, that you may feel like you have failed in any way if you have to alter your plans any. Give yourself for some space. We want you to succeed. I only mention this because I being a perfectionist, make very rigid rules for myself. I do not know if this is you or not, cuz I do not know you that well. I just wanted to offer that idea to you. If not, just disregard it.

Wishing you the best thru all this. You have much to do and are finally getting to the top of it all.

Sew

January 25, 2005
6:20 pm
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sunny64
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Maggalisa, I was were you are a few weeks ago. I ended it and then within 48 hours the guilts took over and he is back in my life.
Please keep in mind what Sewunique offers...if it isn't tomorrow then it may be a different day. I have been balled up in anger over letting this man back in and it isn't doing a bit of good for me. Be strong but also know that this is progress and not perfection. Waiting until you are ready is not weakness. You said you were worried it would slip away over the night....it may, but trust it will come back. We just need to learn to trust our truth.

January 26, 2005
6:43 am
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Anonymous
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Thanks everyone for the posts

So far so good. I told him this morning it was done. That I wouldn't put my name out for any more money as they won't give me anymore as well. I tried to reason why it was not possible to continue. So he did what he knows best, but never has done to me before. He attacked me, choked me locked me in the room and choked me again. I don't have a dime to my name but I won't go on like this. His reaction just confirmed to me that he is using me for his gains, not mine. He asked why I didn't tell him yesterday. Because I've been telling him for weeks now that no matter what I pull, the co. is under too much debt and legal trouble to pull out of now, and not enough turnover to keep going. Thats the reality. And he attacked me because I want to close and refuse to take care of any bills. All he did was tell me how all my work and attempts to save the business were bullshit, I just wanted to let it close because I didn't have the courage to do it myself. Well, we are not closed yet by the collection agencies and taxes, but I'm doing it before they will. I just need to compose myself, and I'm going to go talk to the banks to negotiate.

I can understand your view sew and sunny, I have been here and bounced back many times. The reason I'm so adamant this time is because I need to stick to what I say. For myself. And his reaction this morning proved it. why else would he attack me? Because he's helpless, he can't control anymore because I have made up my mind. I have done what I could in these circumstances and the more clearly I see things the more I see this, the business, and relationship, as nonsense. I'm looking for stability and balance. I'm not getting it in this environment, where I live off of what cash comes in after pay-outs, just enough to buy food for the day. I should not have to live in fear that I will be choked if I don't follow orders. I finally feel like I have the right to go on with MY life. And no matter what happens after today, at least I am doing what I can for myself, and my future. The door for compromise closed when he touched me. No more talking.

Thanks everyone,

I don't know what the next week will be like but I'll be sure to check in. Thanks again for all your support, its taken a long time to get to this point and as shitty as I feel right now inside I feel this is the right step. I'll stick to following my instincts from now on.

magga

January 26, 2005
11:06 am
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sdesigns
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Hi Magga; Wow- his reaction is scary (again!). I'm glad you want to leave all of that (him) behind. You have given him so many chances, he behaves for a while and then whammo- the crazy stuff again. And dangerous. Who wants a life filled with that? Onward, my friend. SD

January 27, 2005
3:11 pm
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Anonymous
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Hey SD:

Just wanted to let you know I'm out completely now, already negotiated with the taxes, now on to the banks!

My anxiety and stress? GONE. I feel like a million dollars now, I'm getting some of my debts paid and although it will be tight to work it off, I can do it w/out going bankrupt it looks like for now at least.

I'm just so glad that it is over.
It only took me 6months:)lol...

January 27, 2005
3:18 pm
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sdesigns
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That is great news. Awesome. Good for you! SD

January 27, 2005
3:31 pm
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sewunique
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Magga,

Good for you today in telling him! You have decided that enough is enough. you made a decision for yurself and stuck with it.

sorry about his wild behavior. Later, you will look back, perhaps still in disbelief that he did this, but when this happened to me; It only confirmed what I thought.

Each time my ex does something stuped,like not forwarding my bills to me; it only reconfirms he's an idiot.

You know, too, they say leaving is the hard part and where they get angry as realize they are loosing their control over you, that anger can escalate into dangerous business. I am glad you are out and safe.

January 27, 2005
3:39 pm
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CAMER
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hello my friend Magga!! see all is good!! you can do this, 2morrow is a new day and a brighter day, keep thinking good thoughts and things will go your way. You know what you have to do, and you are doing all the right things now.

Best of luck at the banks and please keep us posted!

((camer))

January 27, 2005
4:17 pm
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jamaicanwife
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You are very brave.

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