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finally feeling sad-----now what?
September 14, 2005
1:56 am
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cpt1212
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I am not sure when, I am working on why, but I stopped feeling years ago. I was never happy or sad or angry. I was just one long flat line. I have been in therapy for almost a year. I have recently started recognizing and naming my feelings (it sounds so silly). Just recently I have been angry for the first time in years. It was very surprising, but has helped me to initiate some change in my life, most importantly when it comes to boundaries. Previously, I may have said I was mad but I didn't feel it, I just knew that logically that whatever had occured at that moment should make me mad. A couple of weeks ago in therapy we were discussing my depression and my counselor said that I was sad. It instantly made me mad. My initial reaction was, "who me? I am not sad how dare you say that about me", ofcourse I didn't say this, but I thought it. Later I did tell her how I felt and that no, I am not sad just depressed and we both agreed that there is a difference in the two. Lately I have not as depressed and I have been productive and had energy and have felt better than I have in a very long time. . .but every so often a huge wave of sadness washes over me. Usually it is at an inconvenient time and I just push it out of the way, but it keeps happening and right now it is pretty strong. There is nothing in particular that I am sad about, I have been trying to notice triggers, but have not identified any. Sometimes, like now, I feel like I could cry. I have not cried since I was a child. I am not really sure what is going on.

September 14, 2005
2:10 am
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sensitive
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i totally know exactly how you are feeling cuz i have gone through and go through that all the time. i can't seem to get in a better mood no matter what but i cant figure out why i am so sad or mad..i also get very irritable when i am sad and i can't explain that either but i feel that i am just going to push everyone away.

September 14, 2005
2:14 am
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cpt1212
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I am not irritable and rarely in a bad mood. This is just recent and as I said I have not allowed myself to feel for so long. It is sadness. It is very different from the depression that I felt for so long. Ironically, it seems my depression is lifting.

Sensitive,

It really does sound like you are depressed. How long have you felt this way? Have you ever considered getting help?

September 14, 2005
2:17 am
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wow it must be such a good feeling to realize that you are starting to feel better...i really do wish you the best and i hope you stay on the right path.

i have been up and down for a couple years but the last 6 months have been the worst.. i would love to get help but don't really know how to go about it. i don't have insurance and can't really afford it if it is expensive. i don't really know where to look but lately i am scared that it is going to get really bad or i am going to have a breakdown or something cuz i just don't understand my feelings and i have been struggling for awhile.

September 14, 2005
2:56 am
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cpt1212
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I am very sorry to hear that. I struggled for a long time too w/o insurance, but was fortunate to get a job w/ an amazing company and wonderful benefits. You may want to talk to your dr. about an anti-depressant, when I didn't have insurance, mine would give me samples and a lot of drug companies give a reduced rate to people w/o insurance--you just need to call or ask your dr. and there is normally some paper work to fill out for the drug company. When i didn't have insurance, I did a lot of reading on depression and tried to help myself. It was difficult. You may want to see if there are any support groups in your area. One thing I did was share my depression with my closest friend. I tried to keep it hidden from everyone else, but she was able to step in help me up when I would reach my lowest. If I couldn't get out of bed she would come and clean my house and draw me a hot bath and make some tea and tell me not to beat myself up for wasting another day under the covers and it really helped that she was able to recognize and be proud of my small victories.

September 14, 2005
3:24 am
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Lass
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MAD is the lid on the trash can that holds down all our other feelings.
It's not a feeling really, it's a damper. Let it rip and the rest will rise up easily.

Don't be afraid to feel. I cried a couple weeks ago, in a strangers lap no less, because the time was right to let it all go. It was amazingly helpful.

All I felt was fear for about ten minutes after the tears, and it was over. I was so afraid to feel that fear!!!

Go ahead and learn to name them. I just did that this year, too. Wow..I didn't even know how to call it when I felt it...way out of touch, huh?

I had carried around that deep well of pain for many years. The disfunctional relationship helped bring it up to be released. God uses everything for His good purposes.

September 14, 2005
3:28 am
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cpt1212
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Lass, thanks. It is good to know that you had a similar experience. I have worried at times that I was some kind of robot. When you started allowing yourself to feel did you ever feel like you were giving up control? I am afraid of that.

September 14, 2005
3:42 pm
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cpt1212
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September 14, 2005
3:43 pm
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cpt1212
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oops!

September 14, 2005
3:57 pm
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taj64
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I think it is normal to be depressed from time to time. It is not normal if it continues for long time. Sadness is part of depression. If you feel sad then you must be feeling that something is missing - could be? And anger can be there but denied or supressed. Something is triggering it right now. It might feel funny at first, but go ahead and get out of bed and be productive. You might not like it at first, even dread it but pretty soon you will get out of your funk.

September 14, 2005
4:01 pm
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kathygy
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I never worry about giving up control if I feel my feelings because when I do it feels wonderful no matter what the feeling is. It takes a lot of energy to hold back feelings. I too was suprised to learn that I have a lot of sadness in me. I had a therapist that first pointed that out to me. I think in my case I had a lot of saddness in childhood that was not safe to feel so I supressed it. I think I felt very sad about my father's drinking and arguing with my mother. I felt very sad that my mother cried a lot over my father's drinking. Today I also have a lot of sadness at loosing both of my parents and knowing I will never see their loving faces again. My mother had a very special way of looking at me that made me feel very loved and special.

September 14, 2005
4:54 pm
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sounds like you have a great friend...i am like you and don't want anyone to know my problems so i can put on the fake smile but lately it has been so difficult to hide and i just use the excuse that i am tired or i have a headache and people stop asking me whats wrong but i am not fun to be around anymore cuz i feel like i dont have the positive energy like i used to have (don't get me wrong i am not a negative person) but when i am not happy i feel like i have nothing to give people so i just isolate myself...my best friend on the other hand is a horrible listener but she has always been like that so its nothing new but we grew up together. i notice that she stays away from me when i am down but when i have a good day which is rare she wants to be around and i don't blame her for that but i wish i had someone that understood and could give me some support. my bf is great but i feel like i bring him down all the time too. i hate it i just want to know what step is the next step to my inner happiness cuz i know that is what it comes down to.

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