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Fighting and arguing brings you closer!
February 19, 2007
10:13 pm
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eurogurl
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Arguing is actually one of the healthiest things you and your guy can do for your relationship.

It's true that nonstop battling isn't great for your love. (See the movie The War of the Roses.) And some couples are so worried about the possible negative effects of arguing - Are we tearing apart our bond? Does it mean we're not meant to be? - that they pride themselves on never arguing. But here's a surprise: Never fighting can be just as bad as constant conflict. In fact, arguing is one of the healthiest things you and your guy can do.

Think of fighting as relationship Drano: Once in a while you have to clean out the pipes. Sure, it gets ugly, but afterward, things flow more smoothly. If, on the other hand, you stuff your anger, it eventually builds up so much that it can sabotage your entire relationship. "We are not clones of one another," says Sam R. Hamburg, Ph.D., a Chicago marital therapist and author of Will Our Love Last?: A Couple's Road Map. "It is inevitable that we will disagree from time to time. So either you verbalize your disagreement, or you don't verbalize it and you harbor resentment, which eventually tears you apart."

Executed correctly, a fight can even be a tool to advance your cause as a couple. "Arguing doesn't always lead to a consensus," says Huston, "but it's useful to your relationship because it can lead to a clarification of your differences and a solution on how to move past them together." Just remember the "right" way to fight: "The key to a good argument is that you can disagree all you want, but you still show respect to your partner," says Huston. Stacks and stacks of research have shown that partners who use arguments as an opportunity to criticize each other or show contempt (by, say, rolling their eyes) are far more likely to separate or divorce.

February 19, 2007
10:16 pm
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I've read that what's most important is that both partners have compatible conflict management *styles*.

Two battlers - great. Two avoiders - also OK. One battler + one avoider = bad.

When fighting, important to fight fair. Many books on this subject. Good luck all!

February 20, 2007
9:27 am
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Zinnie
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Not sure I agree with two avoiders OK.

On the surface OK perhaps in that there is never any conflict, but, I have to wonder does anything get resolved or is everything always pushed under the carpet in this instance?

Not trying to be disagreeable, just curious.

Z.

February 20, 2007
9:33 am
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risingfromtheashes
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I would rather replace the word "argue" with "discuss".

even debate...

heated or otherwise.

Argue has such a negative conotation and means something on a unhealthy or abusive level.

I think it's healthy to have a partner that you can have a heated discussion, confrontation or debate with....come to a resolution, clear the air and MOVE ON.

What's not healthy is constantly battling over the same things...or constantly battling over everything.

I was soooooooo happy when I was dating my ex...cuz for once, I had a partner who would stick around and "listen" when I would blow up...and would "engage" with me until we got to a resolution.

Problem became we were "engaging" too much and it because abusive.

There's a fine line.

I think two fighters is not good, cuz you are always fighting...and to avoiders is not good, cuz nothing gets resolved.

February 20, 2007
10:19 am
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lewis
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Argueing and fighting makes me feel ill, i'd rather have some peace.

February 20, 2007
1:36 pm
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eurogurl
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lovers argue, rarely discuss, especially if youre real and passionate about each other. I personally think its healthy as long as youre not getting low and calling each other down, or intentionally trying to hurt each other

February 20, 2007
1:50 pm
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Zinnie
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I believe I still have a passionate marriage (after 17 years), and we discuss. I can only think of one or two arguements.

We have learned to say "I am really angry right now, we will talk about this when we are in a calmer place."

February 21, 2007
9:26 am
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truthBtold
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I'm with you eurogirl.

My ex and I NEVER fought..........

Now, this go around with my fiancee, I am comfortable with having "spats"

I think that it sets boundaries.

Of course, you have to have enough respect respect for one another not to hit below the belt.

I love foreign films (I'm in the US) as many foreign films that I see have that burst of anger - it gets out - then all calms back down again.

I think that this is a good thread.

February 21, 2007
8:54 pm
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taj64
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To each his own but arguing is not compatible in my book. To me saying it is a good thing, is saying it is an excuse. Sorry but that gets a thumbs down in my book about bring you close. It doesn't bring you closer, it is the feeling bad about aruging that brings you closer. Guilt brings people closer together too.

February 21, 2007
9:24 pm
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truthBtold
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Respectful Arguing, (aka "spat") in my book DOES bring you closer.

It sets boundaries. It clears the air. Then it's over.

Be it your partner or close friend.

It's just another emotion to be expressed.

Guilt doesn't really enter the picture as far as I am concerned.

I never was allowed to "rock the boat" or argue growing up....much to my own chagrin. Now - I argue, respectfully, being careful NEVER to "hit below the belt" and it has made alot of difference.

Because "making up" can be a nice bonus 😉

It's natural, I think.

February 21, 2007
10:32 pm
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eurogurl
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i agree, making up is the best part:)

February 22, 2007
6:34 am
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bonni
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I would think that its better to argue constructively than for one partner to always acquiesce to the other's demands. Even at work we argue and its no fun in the middle of it, but when its over we come to a better solution than if no one had cared enough to get emotionally charged about the issue.

In fact, in my marriage, when we argue less, its because I'm less engaged in the marriage and really don't care what happens.

bonni

February 22, 2007
11:13 am
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Hi Zinnie (and all)

I can't cite the title of the book... (if I can dig it up, I'll come back and tell you) but basically I believe the author was saying that in longterm marriages, two people who both tend to avoid conflict will find their own more indirect methods for resolving things.

The author was making the point that recently there has been this emphasis on an idea that "if you don't fight, your relationship isn't really healthy"; and that while that may be true for many and perhaps the majority of people, there is a significant minority of people who prefer to manage conflict in a different way.

Yes, we can all learn to set boundaries and express preferences... but we don't all have to do it the same way. Couples who have compatible styles of handling conflict tend to have successful longterm marriages, according to whatever research the author was quoting. It must have struck me as plausible at the time or I'm sure I wouldn't have remembered it so well.

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