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Fell Off the Wagon :-(
January 29, 2003
3:15 pm
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Well, I was doing so good... I made it 4 days without contact. No phone calls or emails, but I slipped today when he called at work. We talked for about ten minutes, but that was long enough to make me question what I'm doing, and what I really want.
He's trying his hardest to make me feel guilty. I'm still feeling angry though even after hearing his voice (maybe that's a good sign).

He didn't understand why I am being this way. Whatever! He told me that he didn't think we've been broken up, but rather that I've just been angry. Again - whatever! When I tried to tell him why I have been so hurt, he simply laughed. He was laughing at me. He said I thought you knew I was joking, and I never would have made you do that.
You know what though? I seriously didn't think he was joking. Now I am questioning if I did over-react. What is wrong with me?

I'm so disappointed in myself for even wasting 10 minutes hearing his voice (he sounded great). And I feel like I let everyone here down. I always do this... I always screw up.

He wants to talk things out tonight at 9, and he would really like to see me this weekend as we originally had plans. I'm still wanting to be strong. Yet, I'm questioning everything I've been telling myself for the past 4 days.

I'm feeling that I should call him, and at least talk... yes, no, yes, no, yes, no - that keeps playing through my mind...
Talk about crazy? Yep, I pretty much fit into that catagory. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. I can't even make up my mind for a single week...
I'm pathetic.

January 29, 2003
3:43 pm
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Hi SLV,

You are NOT pathetic. This guy is going to do anything and say anything just to manipulate you into being with him. Please reread what you have written about the way he has treated you. You deserve so much better. Don't let him mess with your mind like this. You know that you don't treat someone that you love this way. It sounds like he wants everything to be his way. He is going to keep belittling you and making you doubt yourself. Try to keep busy with friends or have other plans but don't let him control your life. I think you are in a very difficult situation and we all want to feel loved. The way he is treating you isn't love. Don't be deceived with his words. His actions tell it all.

January 29, 2003
3:59 pm
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slv

One thing jumps out at me...when you told him how you felt, he laughed. This while he's supposedly on better behavior??!! This man obviously has no respect for you or the limits you set. He thinks he may do whatever to you and you will still take it. He thinks this because this is what you have taught him you will allow. He is secretly crapping himself right now because oh mi god, girl, you've grown a backbone. It IS still there, I know it is...you are tougher than this loser!!

Don't let him pull you back in that suffocating web!! Hey, think of this, if he really loved you he wouldn't have asked that horrible thing of you then laughed at your reaction. Don't forget, he and his ex have a thing going on, you found that right? I am sure he will try and explain that away. Think of her. Think of what is going thru her head when he is with you, what she must be agonizing over because if he treats you like this, how much worse has/does he treat her?? If he really loved you he would respect your boundaries and feelings and not laugh. Even if he didn't mean it, (YEA RIGHT) he should still be apologizing for his actions causing you to feel the way you did. Not laughing. What an ass.

HANG IN THERE!!! Don't talk to him, read your old posts, read how down you were after he poisoned your thoughts about yourself, read how positive and proud and strong you have been.

Get back up on the wagon, the road is slippery with crap and before you know it you will be back in it, face first!

If I could I would kick his butt for you. I could. I'm not a little girl and I don't take crap from arrogant men. I'm with ya mentally.

Walk away. Don't talk to him. He isn't worth it, you've got a whole beautiful world with wonderful caring GIVING people like yourself out there, millions of them you haven't met, tons of places to see and experience and share, don't waste one more breath with this man.

You can do it.

You rock!!

January 29, 2003
4:04 pm
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OK, more tactical strategy. Let your HR department know that you are getting harrassing calls at work from your ex. They can work with the IT department to either block that number, or change your phone extension so that you won't have to receive those calls.

Go back and read those narcissism links again, this is CLASSIC behavior from him. And what you are feeling is the exact expected result of his manipulations. You are not pathetic for feeling this way, any more than the glass is pathetic for shattering when it is pushed off a ledge. Just keep up the resolve, and strengthen your tactical defenses.

January 29, 2003
4:05 pm
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thank you tooscared and SIXFOOTBLOND ~
I am a total wreck today. I read your reply to me, and I'm sitting here crying like a baby. What is wrong with me?
I know that I shouldn't give in so easily. Slip ups should happen, and I shouldn't punish myself for talking to him. Ok, so just move on from where I left off. I don't know... I just feel so sad. Know what I want? My mommy!! I want to feel safe and ok. Right now I don't feel safe. My worst enemy I think is myself. I'm scaring myself. That's it!

January 29, 2003
4:13 pm
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No way.

Yesterday you were so proud of yourself, rightly so. This morning you were proud of yourself. The way you feel right now? That's him. He is doing that to you. That sick tummy feeling? There he is, back again.

You are not your worse enemy. Your self is his worst enemy, she is starting to stand tall and that thwarts him. You are a wonderful person and ANYONE who professed to love you would validate and strengthen that!! Love should make you be a better person. Not like he makes you feel. That is poison disguised as love.

It's okay you fell off. Just hold your head high and keep walking. It's just practice, a learning lesson. It's okay.

You are okay and I am sending you a cyber hug.

Hang in there, maybe you could set about setting up those plans to move home. Would put physical people in your court, give you your Mom, best of all distance and space and healing.

How are you feeling now? Better? Hang in there, I will be sending you positive thoughts all night. I'm at work and here to support you for another half hour.

Vent if you want, I'll listen.

Remember our deal? Here we go....

January 29, 2003
4:32 pm
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okay slv, was waiting to see if you posted before I left but you didn't so I just wanted to share a poem I found for you on another website.

Be strong tonight! I am rooting for you!!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Within You Is The Strength To Meet Life's Challenges!
by Lisa Wroble

You are stronger than you think,
remember to stand tall.

Every challenge in your life
helps you to grow.

Every problem you encounter
strengthens your mind and your soul.

Every trouble you overcome
increases your understanding of life.

When all your troubles weigh
heavily on your shoulders,
remember that beneath the burden
you can stand tall,
because you are never given
more than you can handle...
and you are stronger than you think

January 29, 2003
5:07 pm
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slv,

you're doing ok. Maybe you can find something that you would like to do for yourself, whith the time that you gain now, because you are getting rid of this toxic situation.

No use sitting at home and worrying yourself sick. Get some books - romance, textbooks on your favorite topic, self-help books for assertiveness or codependenca. Use this time to get stronger. When you learn more about your situation, you'll be less insecure, and come to understand the place you're at, and find out what you really want.

Gingerleigh usually says that you need 21 days for the initial detox programm. Draw up a program for this three weeks. Exercise, meet girlfriends, get some bulbs to grow flowers, try out this complicated recipe and invite some friends. Find out if there is a women's group in your area that does assertiveness training, go for long walks.....

Whatever. Just get going. Do something - it will work!

January 29, 2003
6:03 pm
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Hi slv,
Try pulling the wagon now that you have fallen off it 🙂

January 29, 2003
11:53 pm
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What you are feeling is normal, SLV. I will share another experience on your thread if that's ok. I remember after my rock bottom point, I hit other lows that felt almost as bad. The next low I hit after my fifth of gin and pack of smokes happened about a week later. I was packing up all my things to move out, it was Sunday evening, and suddenly I just wanted my mommy. I phoned her, it was about midnight on the East Coast, and when she croaked out "hello" I started to cry and call her mommy like I haven't done since I was about 7. Told her I was so lonely, just wanted to be held and told it was OK, that I would get through this and no matter what I deserved to be loved. And she was so good, so supportive in that moment, told me to take a deep breath and imagine that she was holding me. And you know, the weird thing is that I could actually feel it, I felt the hug from 2500 miles away. And when we hung up, I felt more like the adult I am, instead of the scared and abandoned child I was carrying inside and trying to hard to protect, but do anything not to listen to. Feel these things, your kid is waking up, and she's finding her voice, telling you she's hurt, abandoned, afraid. It's up to you now to love her, and find other people to support her when she needs to be heard. Your mom, other close friends from your past, even a counselor. She will quiet down become more conent once she gets the attention that she needs.

January 30, 2003
1:51 am
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I truly felt joy and happiness this evening, something that I had forgotten, but was able to recognize. My youngest called me about 5 and said going your way, be there around ok, sure ugh what ok. That is my bed time, butttt, and damn I was tired, tried to play party girl last night. Any how timed the dog walk right so I would get the wake up feeling, and right as I was getting a sandwich to go, she called, so I got three, her love was with her, and he is a love. We spent an hour and one half, while he fixed my gas leak jokes about cleaning up the place or please don't sit on the furniture, I have nothing, we had a blast, and it was like my best xmas in years. I felt so wired I got on line, and what do you think was there, a Sybil punch. The first thing I did after reading it, was go to the threads that Gingerleigh had sent you, never went there, and all TRUE stuff. How to go from an absolute high, true high on life, to a sucker punch, low gutter, but know his game low. Even though I know his game, it still hits hard, the tear jerker letter, is right on with the promises made in the threads, I DON'T WANT TO DIE LIKE MY FRIEND, PLEASE, LETS WORK THIS OUT, I LOVE YOU.I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU YOU ARE THE GREATEST. yea, and so what about the ice water I want to ask ? What about the times ignored I want to ask , what about all the names you called me when I cooked three meals a day for you, and sat there ... But I didnt I came here instead, slv, do me a favor, run your tounge over your teeth to make sure you still have them tonight, make sure you keep them, he will try to kick them out, don't ya think ??
go re read those threads, they are all truth. Come back here and post, like the threads say, ignore him, don't open the email like I did, why torture your self, I wont again. WE are all human , we got infected, we are affected by their disease.
we will get better, but we have to take our medicine too, and that is abstinance. I must get up for work in 4.5 hours. So later. At least he doesn't know my phone, and like the chicken shit narcisst, he did not call me on my cell, or at work, they know how to plant their bombs, land mines ......

January 30, 2003
3:25 am
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You are so strong, Molly. What an inspiration! I'm really glad that you've finally got out and looking out for the most important person...you. You sound like you've got it altogether. I wish you all the best :o)

SLV...What do you reckon? If Molly can do it, you can too? And I think you've even motivated SixFootBlonde to power on and fix up some issues. See! You're an inspiration!! People who are inspirational aren't pathetic or all the other negative and insensitive things this guy has ever said to you. Everyone here is barracking (ahh rooting...whatever you Yanks say! :oP) for you! You're not pathetic because you gave in...remember "You're only a failure if you quit" and you're not going to quit just yet are you? You can beat this. You managed to survive 4 days without him, so next time it's going to be easier to survive 5 days and then 6 days etc etc. The more time away from him the easier it's going to get as you realise that you can survive just fine without his abuse and manipulation. Keep your phone and email blocked and like Ginger has suggested, see if you can get his calls blocked from your work. Keep yourself busy and keep focusing on you and the person you can and hope to be with him out of your life. Go enjoy the weekend with your friends (and not him). They'll keep you occupied and the break, I'm sure, will do you some good.

January 30, 2003
11:19 am
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"I think you've even motivated sixfootblond to power on ..."

Yeesh! Am I that snarled up it's amazing anyone motivated me?

Kidding, Squeezles! 🙂

SLV - where are you? I imagine you're reading all these but not wanting to post because he has gotten into your head again and you're feeling down...

Come on out - talk to us.

January 30, 2003
12:47 pm
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slv~

When I was reading what Ginger wrote about calling your Mommy, I started getting tears in my eyes.

I did that too, and it felt really good. Call your mom if you need to. It very well could be that little girl inside is afraid, but she is starting to show herself again, which is good. And you are figuring out how he plays the game, which will help you resist playing it.

Let us know how we can help you.

And, Molly, you ROCK!

January 30, 2003
1:42 pm
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I am here...

I have been avoiding the internet. No reason really - just depressed. I am feeling better mentally today. Not as positive as I was feeling for those few brief days, but I'm doing better.

Thank you for the poem sixfootblond. Thank you everyone for all of your kind words. For the push and encouragement you give me. For believing in me! Thank you.

I realized yesterday that I have so much work to do on ME. Maybe after I do that then everything else will start to fall in place in my life. I feel like I need so much help.
I did talk to him last night. Big, BIG frowns on my end. He's being so nice to me, but I'm on to him because I know it's the narcissist reaching out. I know he's scared that I'm getting strong and moving on. But he's so tempting with his words (I want to believe him). He's like the devil trying to get me on his side. Oh, it's frustrating.
Right now he is trying to talk me into moving to the city he lives in - instead of moving home. You know part of me was thinking maybe I should give it a try, but this morning I realized there's no way that I can allow myself to do that. As much as I do love this guy, I don't think he loves me. It's a game to him. I'm a game. Ouch! That hurts.

I've also told myself all morning that it's ok that I talked to him. Yeah, ok so I slipped - I fell off the wagon, but I'm taking the right steps (baby steps maybe) in getting to where I want to be. I'll get there eventually, but can't beat myself up in the process. He's done enough of that already, and I've allowed it for far too long.

My entire life I've been a people pleaser. I feel now like I'm always being bossed around - pushed around. I've never been an angry person, but for the past 2 weeks I feel anger creeping in. I don't know if I like that so much.
I'm starting to feel angry with everyone. Even my family. I know they love me, but they always try to shelter me. They are constantly telling me what to do or not to do. Making the move out here was the first thing I did in my entire life that they didn't agree with. Usually they talk me out of doing what I really want to. I usually listen because I don't want to disappoint. I'm sorry - I don't mean to make it sound as I'm disrespecting any of my family. I love all of them dearly, but they keep trying to run my life. They tell me what to do, and I feel that if I don't do it that I'll make them angry and/or disappoint them.

I told you how I'm thinking of moving home. Well, part of me wants to. Part of me doesn't. I know I have to get away from here because of my ex boyfriend. I have to put distance between us. I do miss my family and I'd love to see them more often, but some times they depress me without even trying to. They don't see my potential, and expect me to settle for living in a small town and working at a factory or Burger King. There is nothing wrong with those jobs, but I want more for myself and they don't understand that. They don't get why I want to go back to college or work in an office.

Last night my cousin told me that SHE decided that I'm moving back to Michigan. I thought WHAT? She decided that it's in my best interest. This is what I mean... My family does things like this to me all the time, and I'm starting to feel very angry about it. My mom is the only one who says to do what I want to do. Know what the problem is? I don't know what I want. slv doesn't even know who slv is anymore. Let alone what she wants to do - where she wants to be.
I do know that I want to me. I don't want everyone telling me what to do anymore. Am I wrong for feeling angry about this? I know my family loves me, and they do it because they think it's best for me, but it's frustrating.

I really feel so crazy! I feel crazy!!

January 30, 2003
1:56 pm
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Hi slv-

Maybe living close, but not too close to family, could be the answer. If your close relatives are 'telling' you what to do, they may think they are just giving you advice. Or, they may be really controlling people. Which might explain why you liked your BF telling you what to do (and what you think, and what to wear, and how to act...).

You know where you are is no good, and you have no real friends and a destructive relationship. What about moving close to home near a big city. Like, if your folks are in Central Iowa you could move to Cedar Rapids? A couple of hour drive, so you can make it up on weekends when you are not busy. Or move close to a favorite girlfriend.

Living 2 blocks away from my Mom or in the same city would have driven me crazy in my early 20's. By the time I was 30ish, though, my Mother knew I was an adult and I didn't play childish games. Specifically, my Mom was the Queen of the Guilt Trip. She tried to make me feel sorry for her so that I would visit her. And at the time I was extremely busy. One day on the phone she was extremely whiny, so I laid it out that I loved her but would not respond to that tactic. After that, I never saw that tactic again. And my Mom started treating me like an adult.

Sorry for all the detail, but I thought it might help if your Mom or Dad were trying to be the parent or trying to attend to their own needs.

Now that I have a young child I wish I was closer to my Mom. Right now it's a 14 hour drive. But would I want her living next door? No way!

Keep on thinking, and I like how you are becoming much more aware of your OWN thoughts, instead of having other's fill in the blanks for you.

It sounds like your BF is doing some crazy-making behavior and talking around in circles to keep you off balance. Check out VerbalAbuse.com to see some definitions and summaries of typical behavior and some ways to deal with it.

You're doing fine! Keep up those boundaries!!

Jenny

January 30, 2003
2:22 pm
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Jenny ~ That's exactly what I'm thinking of doing is moving back to my home state, but living in the city a few hours away from the family. I know they mean well (I know they love me), and I've never said anything before, but it's getting to the point where I don't think I can take it. My mom is the only one who lets me think for myself. It's getting frustrating to me. That's how most of my life seems these days...Frustrating.

I want to live closer to home, but I want to do it because I want to, ya know? Not because my family tells me they decided that's what I'm going to do. That statement she made just made me very angry. I want to scream - "I am an adult!!!!" They look at me still like I'm a little girl. They are always saying, "but your so tiny (defenseless), you look so young, you are too trusting,too caring, too giving, too this, too that..."

I'm a very passive person. Always have been. And I think that allows people to feel they have control of you. I don't like confrontation so I keep quiet instead.

I just needed to get my frustrations out here... I love my family. I'm thankful for all of them, but I'm fighting right now to find myself. To be myself. I wish they'd understand that. I'm reaching for a lifevest...

January 30, 2003
3:35 pm
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Hi Slv,
You go girl....stand up for yourself. I like it 🙂

January 30, 2003
9:00 pm
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slv,

You remaind me of myself so much, it hurts. I'm too very passive and people pleaser. I could tell you my life story but this is not the issue here.
Anyway, I think that being passive can also mean: tranquil, calm, a kind of person other people feel comfortable with, sweet, tender, compasionate, loving, romantic and I bet you are very pretty. All that sounds good to me. Don't try and change, it's you essence (sorry for mispelling, english is not my native tongue), rather embrace yourself and say I'm beautiful and I deserve the best. You'll find someone that will see all that and protect you and love you for what you are.
But, maybe, just maybe you will have to watch for people who will try to control you, maybe all your life.
Some will do it out of love, others won't, those watch out for.
I wish you my best and I'm truly sorry for sounding so rude on the other thread.
Be happy and look for a man that will value all your many virtuous.....

January 30, 2003
11:06 pm
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Naty ~ You didn't come across rude to me at all. I guess I just didn't understand what you were saying in the post. It's been an emotional day for me. I find that sometimes when I read something at sad moments, well, I interpret it a lot differnt that I do when I read it during an 'up' moment. All the words you used to describe me (and yourself) are words I've heard before. I wonder if it's easier to allow people to hurt you when you are passive. I realize (just recently) that my whole life I've just kinda taken any treatment I was given to avoid confrontation. I would cry to myself about it, but never confront that person I disagreed with. By being passive, I wonder does that make others see me as being helpless? Maybe. But I'm NOT. I want to learn how to be a little more aggressive (but not mean), and just let others know that I am capeable of making my own decisions. Sure I will make mistakes from time to time, but that is how I will learn. I guess it's just going to take some working on to get ME to where I want to be.

I'm sorry for complaining about my family. I feel guilty after reading my words. I am angry at the sometimes, but I love them all so very much. I'm lucky to have each and everyone, and I know they love me so they try to do their best. I come across as helpless to them. They still see me as their sweet little slv...But I've grown up, and they are going to have to realize that too.

I'm always told that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Have you been told that one too? 🙂

January 31, 2003
10:19 am
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Dear slv

Yes, I have always avoided confrontation. I always said for the sake of the children, oh, I don't want to upset him now, he has so much work, he is tired, he is worried, etc.

Now, I'm facing THE big problem I have always had in my marriage which is lack of balls raising the children. Let mama be the "bad guy". I'm the nice guy, sindrome.

Well, we are paying the consecuences with my middle one. He is inconsiderate, rude and selfish, of course specially with "mamma".

I was a sucker for many years, but now I'm really enjoying the situation, he's scared out of his wits with my new personality. But I'm enjoying it. He is the one that has a lot to loose.

Anyway, dear. Don't feel bad about your personality, besides your essence you can't change, that's your soul, your spirit. Love it. I'm sure others will. Habits, yes, they can be changed, attitudes too, but your essence...no; you were born this way.
Love yourself, every day, every morning, every minute of the day, keep saying I'm beautiful in and out.

People will see it, in the sparkle of our eyes, in the way you walk and move, in the sound of your voice. But remember to take your medicine:I'm beautiful, but also I'm smart.
And I won't allow people make decisions for me. And I deserve the very best, not an inch less.

Good luck, honey and keep writing

January 31, 2003
11:55 am
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Hi SLV,
The word you are looking for is
ASSERTIVE.
It is the balance between Passive and Aggressive.

January 31, 2003
12:06 pm
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Yes mj, I would love to become more ASSERTIVE... But one thing - one step at a time. I'm just coming to terms with all of these feelings... It seems a little overwhelming. Ok, A LOT overwhelming, but I'll get there (eventually)...

February 3, 2003
3:09 pm
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oh, it's Monday again ~
I seem to keep following the same road of mistakes. I've been trying to do the 'right' thing for once, and get myself strong again, and just do what 'I' want to. Problem is I don't really know what I want. It's so frustrating!
I've even made some progress as everyone here has noticed. BUT...

I saw my girlfriend this weekend. She and I had such a wonderful time together (didn't get to Disney Land though) because she ended up having to leave earlier than originally planned so I came home early, and
I ended up seeing 'him' (yesterday). We spent a good chunk of the day together. We walked, talked, and laughed together. It was so nice. I miss that with him. We use to do it a lot more than we have recently.
He doesn't want me to move back home, and is trying to get me to move to the city he lives in. Crazy thing... After yesterday I'm considering it. I'm so confused, and I'm afraid of making the wrong decision (as usual). I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had decided that we were over because I was trying to make myself believe it's for the best, and I was going to be strong, ect... But after spending time with him I question what I'm doing. I need some outside wisdom on this one...

I know you probably really think I'm crazy now - Sorry! 🙁
I'm disappointed in myself too...

February 3, 2003
3:18 pm
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Hi slv,
I am not disappointed in you for trying to make choices for yourself. It is your life....so you need to live it.
Do what feels best to YOU!!!

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