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Feels Like Life's Over
September 11, 2003
10:47 am
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mj
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When I feel like life is over...or I want to escape....or I lose my loving feelings for others....
That's when I know that I need to be of service to others. Get out of myself. Be Grateful for what's right in my world.

Clayrains, I am grateful that you are reaching out. Let us be there for you. Talk to us.

If it wasn't for the support of friends and family, I would be stuck in my negative mode. I am sorry to hear that validating you, and hearing your pain, only reinforced it.

Try something else...if this didn't help. Lets start looking for what is right in your life....?

September 11, 2003
10:59 am
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sixfootblonde
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Exactly! As mj said, look for what's right in your life.

When you awoke today, and were able to be in the same house with your parents. Right there, clayrains, you have something I wish I had -- two livings parents. I haven't had a daddy since I was 14. I miss him every day.

You are able to walk around, go to the park and see people and flowers, etc? There's another gift taken for granted by many of us that many people will never enjoy again. Sight, physically strong and able to walk. My neighbor two houses down is 12. She plays basketball and is very athletic. They discovered she had scoleosis (sp?) and that her spine needed to be fused to prevent further curvature. The surgery, performed at Mayo -- a wonderful Clinic -- went wrong. When she woke up last week her mom and dad had the awful task of telling her she will be in a wheelchair for a long time, possibly never to walk again. They said she shrieked and then sobbed inconsolably for an hour.

I am not trying to minimize your issues. I know they are very real to you and I am sorry. What I am trying to show you is that you have gifts in your life. You have talents to share and there's a whole world out there. You can do anything you set your mind to. There is always a way. Try. What have you got to lose? Money is an issue. I've grown up like that. You know what? Maybe you'll have to work 2 jobs. Find a volunteer job in a field that interests you, helping others. You will find strength and a very rewarding joy in doing things for others. Reach out, clayrains. Life is too short to spend wringing our hands and looking around us short-sightedly.

I know there is hope for you, for the things you long for, the things you'd like to change. You know how? Because I've seen shit turn to gold in my life. I've seen miracles happen. It just takes faith....

September 11, 2003
11:08 am
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mj
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Have you really given this effort or did you decide before you started that this too would be a failure?

Join us for some active conversation if you truly want too.

October 5, 2003
8:33 pm
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clayrains
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I'm sorry for sounding the way I did. And I do thank you all for answering my posts. I don't mean to sound like I don't appreciate it. You've tried. I think its just me. I'm not saying it's anyone's fault, but it just seems like nothing helps. This Thursday is my day off National Depression Screening Day. Although I've already been diagnosed with severe depression by a family doctor, I'm thinking of getting a diagnosis from someone more closely related to the mental health area. Maybe they can find out EXACTLY what is wrong with me and I won't just be told something I already know.

It just seems that people's suggestions don't help. I actually feel worse when I follow some of this advice. Like people watching, which was suggested earlier in this post... It seems that every time I get out and go somewhere and start people watching, all I do is get even more depressed. As an example, months ago I'm waiting to pick my car up from having it serviced at a dealership. I see this gorgeous brunette, about 24-26 years old maybe, come in the front door. As she walks in, we both politely say hello before going up to the receptionist's desk. As we are both standing in the waiting area I'm admiring her. She seems really nice. Then I see why she's here. Then I see why she's here. She's come to meet her boyfriend, a salesman about my age maybe a little younger and they walk outside and get into his new demo and take off.

I'm standing here thinking. That could be me. I'm intelligent, I'm attractive but what does that matter. I'm standing here waiting to pick up my dented beat up, on-it's last-leg, 91 Camry. Even though I'm 31 years old, I'll have to borrow over 400 bucks from my parents because I don't make enough to afford a simple repair bill. And now I'll go back to my crappy little town where I live and maybe go see a movie by myself because there's nothing else for me to do, that is if I can scrape the money together, and try to enjoy what's left of my day off before I go back to my boring dead-end job while everyone else enjoys their weekend.

That's the problem with advice like this. I honestly try, but it seems like whenever I do it seems like it just makes it worse. When I "people watch" All I do is see things that make me think of when I thought I might have a decent future ahead of me and it makes me realize how pathetic my life has become. Sure, there's people that are worse off than me. There will always be someone who's worse off than you. That doesn't make me feel any better about myself and my situation.

And it seems that people must love in a different environment than mine when they make suggestions and give advice like "go to the park and enjoy nature and people watch" There are no parks where I live. "Take a drive in the country" I live in a rural area and I have almost an hour to drive to work. I take a drive in the country, and then some, every day and it doesn't make me feel better. I know everyone means well but how is people watching and smelling flowers and driving in the country going to make me feel better? It doesn't. I'm still depressed. The problem is that I hate my life and the way it's turned out and I don't know anything that will change it.

I work a crappy, low paying job at a little radio station in a rural area. My folks keep saying "Well, you need to get out of that job, and maybe things will be better." I agree. THey'll be better for a while, then I'll just fall into another low-paying job I have no interest in and "need to get out of." They've told me the same thing time and time again for the last 15 years. As soon as I make a change, I find myself right back where I started. It's like reincarnation and being reincarnated as a slave every time you die, a never ending cycle. It's been nearly 15 years since I graduated and I've gotten nowhere, just older. It's just to hard to describe accurately on a board like this, but at age 18, I would never have dreamed my life would turn out this way. If I would have been able to see what my life would be like now, back then, I honestly wonder if I wouldn't have just checked out right then.

October 6, 2003
12:07 am
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sadblondie120
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Gosh, it sounds like we're soul sisters ! I feel the very same way. I'm 30 and I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. All I want is to meet someone, get married and have kids. It makes me so angry when I see other females who have exactly what I want. Why are they so special ? I don't have 2 horns growing out of my head ! I don't understand this life thing and I don't really care for it, either !

October 29, 2003
11:32 pm
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clayrains
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Well, I'm not saying I want to be married with kids. Actually, that's what most all of my friends are doing. I'm not ready for that. That all seems so "final" to me. In fact I don't envy them for that at all. I just wish I didn't feel so cut-off from everything that I used to have in my life and what others I see have the chance to have. I just always feel so, melancholy I guess is what I'd call it, anymore.

I've always had changes here or there in my life but since about 3 years ago, I've gone through a drastic change. Nothing is the same for me anymore. At that point, actually it was about this time of year, three years ago that it all changed almost overnight, with my changing jobs and moving "back up home" and away from the Saint Joe-Kansas City are. It seems like "the gigs up" everyone else has moved on and left me in the dust. Now I'm just merely exisiting, working, coming home and sleeping, working, coming home to sleep over and over and over just waiting for the time I can die poor lonely and unfulfilled.

Working nights & weekends, plus living in a place like this, really makes me feel alienated. I see nothing but these four walls at work and the four walls of my basement when I get home at night. It's just like hell. My only departure from this is going to the movies by myself on a Friday night, if there are any movies I haven't already seen. Sometimes I see a movie that I don't even like SOMETIMES FOR THE SECOND TIME, just because I have nowhere else to go. I just feel so worthless and pathetic, like a total fucking loser.

October 30, 2003
10:15 am
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Anam Cara
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Clayrains

I shake your hand and say howdy!

May I also first express my feelings about what you have shared here - I keep a day diary and your story about your life could be a cut out from one of my days writings.

I will not say things like ---------------------------------- What do they really mean when you are the one suffering this - no other person can really feel what YOU are feeling at this moment.

So what am I doing here writing to you then. I want to share my hope for the future with you. Your basement situation gave me a feeling like being trapped inside a coal mine - no way out . So what do the miners do in this situation - they pray for help and guidance from the Holy Spirit.

This help is available whether you are a Christen or not, we are all loved by Jesus- just ask - keep asking and rant away.

Things will happen which may not be seen by you at the time to be helpful - but follow you gut and trust in the ways forward you are being shown.

Me - well yes I have found it works but there have been moments when I have doubted the outcome. Why not try it?

Best Wishes .. Anam

October 30, 2003
10:18 am
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mj
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So glad to see you back Clayrains and still questioning your existence.

If what you are doing isn't working still.....what do you need to do to change it.

I think there is Hope for you. Hence you wouldn't be here again, reaching out. Big Hug to YOU and Anam.
Courage to Change.

October 30, 2003
10:29 am
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sixfootblonde
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Clayrains....hey. Good to see you here again, and mj's right -- if you didn't hope for a change you wouldn't be here. And hoping for a change is the first step to making a change. So that's optimistic.

All I could hear in my mind reading your post is Dr Phil. "How's that working for you? What are you going to do to change it?" Brutal questions but he's got a point.

Is there any avenue by which you can think of, to meet others with whom you could share a common interest? What sort of programs does your community offer? Volunteering is always a wonderful way to share time and help others and get "outside of ourselves", if you will. Of course I'm biased šŸ™‚ but for me it was a lifesaver to find an outside interest and pursue it. And in so doing you may be surprised at the caliber of people you encounter -- you won't find many selfish shallow people looking to volunteer their time and energy to help others. Just a thought. What ideas can you come up with?

October 30, 2003
10:41 am
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evi
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Do you have any hobbies, any thing you find fun or have ever wanted to try? What have you got loose? Dive in there and do it. How about a local church, do attend? Some have singles groups that are fun and a good way to meet people.

I think volunteer work is great, try someplace that really catches your interest. What about the people you work with?

Life is what you make it, so take a few chances, go out there and make your mark!

November 1, 2003
2:22 am
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majentweet
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Im a faultfinder doesnt forget what was someone done to me. I dont know how to move on I think Im failure in everything. I know all women wants was be love and respect by their lov eones. I dont know what to do with my irresponsible, insensitive,immature and egoistic husband! I always find ways to win and pleased him in any actions I thinkd best that I could give but still failed. How would I know if he still love and care if his not do anything to make relationship workout? What will do to forget and leave him in a way that no one will hurt? im always over jealous

November 1, 2003
12:14 pm
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mj
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I'd say, you came to the right place....welcome and keep posting.

November 11, 2003
11:29 pm
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clayrains
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Hello everyone and thanks for writing back.

Well I have tried to get out and "go for the gusto". In fact, I just returned to a trip to The Corpus Christi/South Padre, Texas area. I had a lot of fun swimming at the beach and tried to body board, then went to Nuevo Laredo, Mexico my last weekend. I wasn't able to do many of the things I really wanted to do like kite surfing, scuba and taking a fishing trip because it is all too expensive for me. It was still fun and much needed since my last "trip" or "real vacation was about 5 years ago.

On the other hand, it makes going back even worse. I was in July-like weather for over a week in a place where you have the choice of beach combing, surfing, horseback riding, bar hopping, day cruises, thousands of hot mexican girls,fishing for shark, shrimp etc. Now I have to return to a job that keeps me from having my evenings and weekends. That bores me especially since I'm in a place where the most exiting thing there is to do is see a movie by myself. In the end, it just makes it even more unbearable for me when I get back.

Anam, I appreciate what you say. I'm a Christian too. I don't totally agree though. I've been praying for something to happen in my life, as well as taking steps on my own mind you, and nothing happens. Pray to God is always the advice I get from my mother. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for that. The problem is that all my life, praying has never helped me. I listen to all of these sermons by many different preachers and evangelists and I can tell you that their advice has gotten me nowhere. It's like God never hears me. And they will always make excuses for God and why my prayers aren't answered. They'll say I am not "trusting God enough" I "don't have enough faith". That's funny, especially since the bible says that people with the faith of a mustard seed can move mountains!

As far as the other advice you all have given me, thanks, but like I've said before, none of it helps. The only programs my community offers are watching the grass grow and snorting crank.

I could take a short college mini course or something like that. There is one college in Trenton, MO though and NOT ONE of those classes is offered anytime that I can attend because of my work schedule. Besides, I went to that school one semester and hated it so much I dropped my classes and never went back.

It is not possible for me to go to church because of my work schedule. If I get up early on Sunday, I can go to Sunday school, but I've been to about four churches around here and I didn't like any of them. I left felt like I'd just wasted my time. The last Sunday school I went to, the subject was raising kids. I'm not even married and I have no interest in raising kids. Every church activity or sermon, or whatever that I ever go to seems to be designed for someone else and totally irrelevant to me and my situation.

There is nobody to meet and nothing to do here.

November 12, 2003
9:24 am
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unhappy camper
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Then leave. šŸ™‚ It CAN be done.

Apply for a job with better hours in a new state. Are you self-sufficient now...renting a place and feeding yourself? If so, you can do that anywhere.

But, if you are depressed, a new location won't solve that.

Have you gone into counseling to discover what is troubling you? You must be in this forum for a reason. I'm sorry I don't remember your situation.

November 14, 2003
12:40 am
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clayrains
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Actually, I don't make enough money to support myself. I work as a radio DJ but it doesn't pay enough to really afford to live on my own so I have to live with my parents. It makes me feel like a failure. It's funny how I mentioned that in one post and several women tried to say "Oh no, you're not a failure, you're just going through a tough time. "There are many guys your age who live whith their parents... bla bla bla"....

Then in another post I spoke of how women don't want anything to do with me because I don't have money. I mentioned living with my parents and the same women say "they'd definitely never date a guy who still lived whith their parents" People will tell you anything if they think it's what you want to hear, whether it's the truth or not!

I have a little over a year's worth of college, studying mainly in telecommunications. I really want to be a musician though. I just feel like all my chances are in the past now.

November 14, 2003
9:28 am
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unhappy camper
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Whatever you visualize for yourself is what you will become. Your vision is that of a failure. You could choose to see yourself as in transition and searching for your ideal career, and you could accept any job at all for the time being that gave you enough to rent an apartment and buy food, and you could date someone who accepts you as you are, and if you believe, really believe in yourself, she will believe in you too.

But you don't believe in yourself.

Why not change your mind about that?
What is stopping your from being optimistic and ambitious?

Try on a new hat. Join groups or volunteer or take a course where there are gals. Laugh, smile, be sincere, talk and listen to them, be attentive, care. You will attract them like a magnet.

It's all in the attitude, dude.

It's the 'tude, dude.

November 15, 2003
5:23 am
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vegas
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CLayrains...life's not over. You know as well as I know...we've got no choice but to roll with it, or get rolled over. Don't get run over.

Why don't you do something with you musical abilities? Do you sing or play an instrument? I'm sure there are groups you can join or related classes to attend. I speak for myself, I think musicians are sexy!

I know it's tough living with parents. I had to move back in with mine after I left my exboyfriend. In the beginning, I felt like a loser too. But, I have no worries. No rent, no scrounging change for groceries or laundry...it's a blessing. You won't be there forever. I know you know...just save what money you can and enjoy your time with your parents.

As for unanswered prayers...God answers ALL prayers, believe it or not. He says either YES, NO, or WAIT. I'm Christian too, and I understand how you feel. I only wish I knew what to tell you. GOd has plans for us all. Have you read "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. It's an awesome book...and God is an awesome God! He will find you...and you will find yourself living a life with blessings spilling over. =)

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