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Feels Like Life's Over
July 21, 2003
11:47 pm
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I don't know why I'm here because I don't expect that it'll do any good or that I'll get any answers. I guess I just need to talk about it and have no one else that I can talk to about this. I'm sorry to burden anyone that reads this with a lot of details but I guess I have to. I'm not sure if I can really describe what I'm feeling with a million words let alone a short paragraph.

I don't know how to put it into words and make you really aware of what I'm feeling but I guess one way would be to say that I feel like the "odd man out" these days when it comes to my life. It just seems like I have no sense of purpose, that my life has ended and I don't know what to do about it.
I've had my ups and downs before and I'll admit that I've never been the type who's ever satisfied. But in the last three years I feel like my life has really hit a brick wall.

It was probably two years ago that I went to our family doctor to try and do something about it. After having me fill out a questionairre and her asking me some questions she diagnosed me with severe depression. She said she try some anti depressants but said it would be best to talk about my problems. It was kind self explanitory, as to at least part of the reason why I was depressed, when she asked if there was anyone I could talk to.

She asked if I had any friends I could talk to but I told her that all of my friends are married now, making them pretty much unavailible now, plus I've moved and I rarely see them now. She asked if I had any friends around here which I don't. She asked if I had a Pastor I could talk with. I have to work a schedule that keeps me from going to church or ANY church activities. She then asked if I had a girlfriend that I could talk to about it. Ha!! That was a definite no. She did suggest going to a counselor, who later cancelled my appointment after I'd waited two weeks to go.

And needless to say, the antidepressants did nothing, which didn't surprise me a bit. A friend of mine has taken them for a long time and always suggests them to me. Antidepressants are bullshit in my opinion. I've taken probably four kinds and none of them had ANY effect at all. I think the only people they work for are people who are easily suggested and could take a sugar pill and feel happy if they where told it would end thier depression. At best I just see antidepressants as making you cheerful and complacent with your shitty life. The way I see it is that antidepressants are never going to change situations and facts. No pill is going to take away the fact that my life sucks. That's my whole problem. I doubt that a chemical imbalance in my brain is to blame I think it's my lousy life and my inability to change it.

Here's my problem...

Like I said, I've always been somewhat dissatisfied with my life but at least a few years ago it seemed like there was hope, I at least had things happening in my life, I at least HAD a life. I sing, play harmonica,
guitar and mandolin. If I could have one wish it would be to have a career in music. That's the only thing I've been truly interested in. Of course it was always hard, but I used to at least get out and was able to play and make new friends and do what I loved. There was even one point where I came really close to making it but things didn't work out. But regardless of whether I was rich and famous I was still at least "living". I used to have a lot of friends and go do things with them, go out on weekends, be involved in things, go to parties, meet people etc. etc.

But that all changed about three years ago. In an attempt to better myself, I moved from
the Kansas City, MO area, where I had lived for about the last 18 years of my life. When I was in the second grade we moved away from the area my family is from in the rural area of North Central Missouri. Now my parents had moved back there and I decided to go back to college go to a college out there. I moved back in with them so that I could cut costs. I also took a full time job, a night job, at a nearby radio station.

It wasn't long before my attempt to make things better just seemed to, if anything, backfire. I quickly found that the area I moved away from in the second grade wasn't the same place that I'd remembered. I quickly began to hate this area. The college was pretty much par for the course too. I've never been to a college as bad as that one. And I never went back after that first semester. Although, I used to work some pretty dirty jobs and am glad I don't have to work dangerous, dirty, exhausting jobs anymore, my radio job is is just as much of a dead end job as any of my previous jobs. Plus I now make far less money than any of the jobs in the Kansas City/Saint Joseph area did.

The worst thing about it is my schedule. I have to work nights, which includes Saturday and Sunday and have no weekend. That makes it really hard for me. I live in a really desolate ass-backwards place where there is nothing to do and nowhere to go even if I did have my weekends. I can't even have a social life and I certainly can't play music now. I do have two good friends but now,
in addition to being far away. they're now
married, so thier pretty much "unavailible" now.

My life is now just an endless monotonous, boring hell. I get up at 2PM each day, go to my low paying boring job, go home and sit in front of the computer for a few hours till the sun comes up. Then I go to bed and try to eventually fall asleep. Then I wake up and do it all again. Until, of course, Thursday and Friday come along. Thursday I'll usually spend the whole day and part of the night in bed because I'm so exhausted from my night schedule, which has thrown my sleep pattern into total chaos. Then Friday I usually don't feel like sitting in front of the computer anymore, so I drive to a nearby town called Chillicothe, which has the only movie theater that's within an hour radius of me, and see a movie by myself. That
is, IF I get ther plenty early because theaters don't usually have movies that start past about 8:30PM. Then I go home and I
I usually stay up until 9:30 Saturday. Why I don't know. A lot of it I think is because
I'm anxious and dread going to my shitty dead end, boring job so much that I can't sleep- or don't want to sleep whats left of my, uneventful as it may be, weekend away. I then get up after about three hours of sleep, really tired and start the whole, painfully boring week-long process again.

I've always had simlar complaints about my life, but never this bad. I feel REALLY trapped and hopeless, like there's nothing I can do to ever have a happy, fulfilling life. I'm out of answers and I don't know what to do.

I try to at least talk about it with my folks and they try but I don't think they know what to tell me. The only thing they or anyone else will ever tell me is "it's your attitude". I don't know if people think they helping me or giving me some startling revelation by telling me that, but I am sick of hearing that. Yes I'll admit it, my outlook on life is really bad right now, no shit! I wish it wasn't but it's that way for a reason. What do people mean by that? They act as if I can just flip the "happy switch".

I hate my life and I hate the way it's
turned out and I hate the way I'm living.
I can't help that! I'm not doing anything I want to do in life and can't seem to do anything about it. Would most people be happy living like that? I doubt it. But all I hear is this "attitude" garbage. Everybody always says "Oh poor guy, he should have just talked to somebody" when they talk about someone who takes their own life. But when you do talk to someone, all you get is that kind of bullshit.

I don't know why I'm even writing this, I just have no one to talk to. I wish there was someone who could help me. Maybe there isno answer and it's just meant to happen to me.

July 22, 2003
9:41 am
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Hugs Clayrains

I just listened to you and sometimes that is all that is really needed.
Knowing that you are important and that you do have something special inside.

Being authentic to oneself is so important in obtaining serenity and happiness. Maybe it is time for you to choose a different path. Do something else. Live somewhere else.
I am not sure what you need, but I am banking on it that you know....Just do it. Love yourself enough to take the necessary steps to change this horrible life that you have chosen. You can do it.

July 22, 2003
10:38 am
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Thanks, that's just my problem though. I don't know what to do. I'm out of ideas. It seems every time that I've tried to make a big change, I just wind up going backwards

July 23, 2003
12:07 am
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you will be okay lol

July 23, 2003
4:20 am
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Well thanks, at least you helped me see that counseling doesn't work. I was going to go to a counselor but I doubted whether it would do any more good than antidepressants (which do nothing). I really didn't want to spend more money on something that didn't work. At least I know that nobody can help me and didn't have to pay someone for that.

July 23, 2003
4:21 am
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July 23, 2003
4:26 am
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I can totally see why people commit suicide, there just gets to be a point when life isn't worth living anymore for some people. People like to disagree with that and say that there's a lot to live for and that you should get help but that's all talk. When it comes down to it, there's nothing they or anyone can say or do. There's one thing in this life that I have to live for. I think some of us are just meant to go this way. I just wish I had the guts to do it.

July 23, 2003
9:46 am
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Clayrains,
It is a big world out there, get out into it. So you have lived in a couple of places....try somewhere else. Start by opening up the front door and walking, one step at a time...get those endorphines moving and then let us know how you are feeling.

July 23, 2003
1:56 pm
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You say you don't have the guts to do it. Could it be that deep down you know it's not the solution?

If you don't want to pursue help in the form of meds or therapy, and have no desire to relocate, change professions, or heck just take a course at a local community college that sounds interesting ... your life is what you make it, bud. I know sh*t can be confusing at times but ultimately you have to own the reins in your hands. Like the one saying at the top of the board, "what you see is what you get."

If you feel like giving up, I'm very sorry to hear that. As a family survivor of suicide, I can tell you that it rips apart the lives of everyone around you who care. It's an easy, cowardly way out that solves nothing. Do you really feel that there isn't just one thing is this whole entire world that you might've liked to do? What if you had a million dollars, what would you do? Run with the bulls in Spain, hang glide over the Appalachian foothills, parasail in Hawaii....it's endless. So you feel you have nothing to live for, where you are in your life now. So you've got nothing to lose...pick up and go somewhere, anywhere, do something crazy just cuz it feels good.

I hope things look up for you, that the clouds part and you get some sun soon. Because you do matter, and people do care.

July 24, 2003
11:38 am
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Clayrains, I hope you are feeling just a little better....did you step out the door and sniff the air this morning.....Focus on the simple things. You need to find that reason that you want to live and learn to enjoy life once again.

I have been suicidal before so I know exactly where you are coming from. It took the tears of my granddaughter and the suicide of my nephew to realize that I wanted to live.

July 25, 2003
7:20 am
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Thanks for writing everyone. I appreciate what you are saying and kind of agree with you. I just think that what you've said really oversimplifies things.

Sure, I stepped outside and sniffed the air today. It was beautiful day too. It's too bad I can't take advantage of it, since I am completely broke until payday which is 7 days away. It's really nice to know that after all the work in high-school to get As and Bs, a little time in college and all kinds of different experience in past jobs I can't even support myself. I'm 32 years old but there are kids in Kansas City making more than me at Taco Bell or McDonalds.

Besides, its nice to go do something with another person. I don't have friends anymore. Actually, I do have a couple of really great friends but they've seemed to be to busy to associate with me the last couple of years. They've gotten married. I just have to wonder if they see me as a failure and don't want to associate with me, since I'm single and so poor that I have to live with my parents again.

As far as running the bulls in Spain etc. etc. goes, SURE I'd love to do all of that. Travelling is one of my biggest wishes in life. Though some people think I'm nuts for it, I'm dying to go to CHina, Japan, Mongolia, Sao Tome & Principe, Senegal, check out the bazaars in Morocco, see Spain, Portugal, Scotland, the Mayan Ruins, the Pyramids, Jerusalem. I've been trying to plan a vacation to the Bay Islands in Honduras for a year now but still haven't went. That's the problem. It's easy for people to say things like that to me, but these things take money and I don't have any money. I can't even make enough to support myself. They say money's not everything, but that's bullshit. Money is everything in this lousy world. Money can't buy you love right? Wrong! If you cut through the bullshit, you'll find that money is what 90 percent of relationships are built on. No women are interested in me, but if I was a computer programmer bringing in 4 grand or so a month I'd be a really "interesting", "sexy" guy.

As far as my career goes, there is something I would rather do. I want to be a professional musician. But people act like you're being unresonable when you say that. THey look at me like I'm nuts. I don't care, that's all I've wanted to do and beleive me, I've tried. All I have to show for it is some huge debt. Now I don't know what to do about it. I'm out of ideas.

That's just it. That's probably the main reason I hate my life so much. Life has completely left me behind. I just don't see what kind of future I'll ever have.

My mother always makes remarks like "It's a great day why don't you go fishing" or "You used to do all kinds of outdoor things like fishing and camping, riding three-wheelers, hunting. Now you hardly go outside"
I wish I could enjoy all of that but the problem is that none of that is enjoyable to me anymore. THere's very little anymore that I find enjoyable. I've lost the peace of mind I used to have I guess.

July 25, 2003
11:41 am
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Today is a new day Clayrains...and its one step at a time. You got this stinking thinking over a period of time thus it will take a while to change your negative attitude. Be patient with yourself and do the little steps like sniffing the air, and don't discount the fact that you have clean air to sniff. Yes, this is simple but its a start and it works for me. Eventually you start noticing the flowers, and stopping to smell them, and then picking them, and putting them in a vase and enjoying them everywhere. Then You begin to share them with others cause they bring you such joy. You can't give away, what you don't possess.
Have faith in yourself. Play your instrument.....and enjoy the moment for what it is. Money does not bring happiness. I have been there, done that. Happiness comes from self-love. You need to learn how to love yourself before you can give that away as well. Hugs and have a blessed day.

July 25, 2003
12:17 pm
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You sound like you're severely stressed out, and you put yourself in a corner, because you have a lot of pride and a lot of energy put into what you do. So if you would change something that will be difficult.

But you need a break. If you can't go abroad, go for a few days of hiking and camping and take your guitar.
And after you had your break and some time for yourself apart from the roles that you are entangled in - go for some changes in your life.

Find the time to go to church if this is important to you. If church is not important, find something else that is, and do it at least once weekly. Perhaps you could play your music at church or something like that?

Btw: above you stated, that somebody here "helped you to understand that counseling doesn't work". Here in this thread? How and where?

Have a good weekend

July 25, 2003
12:38 pm
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Clayrains,

I'm looking for a 30+ year old man with a musician's heart who is as depressed and lonely as me, to date. Being my friend is worth living for. I am fun and nice and interesting. I like men who don't pretend to have it all perfect in their lives and who are honest and natural.

July 25, 2003
2:21 pm
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Clayrains:

Its a sad day when us humans let our habits take place of our dreams in life. If you want compassion and love in this world, give it out yourself and you will see it come back to you.

Its a universal law, try it for one day.:)

July 25, 2003
2:40 pm
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Hi, just read your letter, thanks for
sharings your life experiences. From
my experience the first thing we do
when we come across someone who is
experiencing distress in their life, is to give that person advice on how their life could be different, if only
they would listen to our wise words. However this rarely works and may add more stress to the person we are trying to assist. So my question to you is what changes would you need to make to release yourself from these feelings you are currently experiencing, in other words what would a happier life look like to you and how could you achieve it?

September 3, 2003
10:16 pm
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To stop myself from feeling these feelings I first need a sense of purpose. And that purpose need to be something I'm interested in and have a talent for. All I've ever wanted was to make a living performing music.
It would be nice to just have some kind of life again... friends... a party to go to on a Saturday night or any event where you can get out and see friends. A date once in a while... at least often enogh that I don't feel like there is something about me that's totally undesirable to the opposite sex.

But when you ask me what do I do about it, I don't know. I really feel like I've come to the end of my rope. It seems like I've tried everything. I'm out of ideas. I just can't see any relief from this. I've tried every approach I can think of as far as a music career and everything I've done has only gotten me in worse shape. As far as friends and a social life, I have a couple of really great friends. Or maybe I should say they were. They've both gotten married in the last couple of years and since then it seems as if they're too busy to be bothered with me.

I'ts hard to explain because I don't have any feelings of deep anger towards them, but it just seems as if they've decided to politely and nicely leave me behind. I've tried to make an effort to get together with them but they're always too busy or suddenly unavailible for some reason. It's as if they're married and see themselves as productive members of society and here I am living with my parents, barely getting by, single with no life "what a loser you've become" kind of thing. Part of it could be me but I think until I look at the facts.

I live about a 90 or so miles from them now.I have driven over to see them numerous times in the past couple of years yet neither one of them has come up here to visit me even once. One of them will always talk about me coming down and us going out every so often and sends me an email. Then when I call him and say ok, he's busy every single night I suggest. I think I know why he does that. I think he just feels like he has to say that every so often
because he really doesn't want to be bothered with me yet feels guilty about it.

It's kind of a two sided thing. I think they are the greatest guys in the world yet I feel a lot of resentment towards them.

As far as dating goes. I don't place a lot of importance in it per se. Unlike both of my friends (and most people) I don't look to having a
relationship revolving my life around some woman as a way of defining my purpose in life. I'm not knocking it, but afterall, rats and cockraoches can breed and reproduce. Every girl that I've dated in my life has been a huge waste of my time and energy and just a new way to see how I can be dumped and stabbed in the back. But there are a few really nice girls, one or two in paricular that I wish I could see again. But its a "they been here and I've been there" I don't even know where they're at these days. I am not in the position to where I see, or can see them anymore.
I'd like to see them again. It seems like everything has slipped past me and I'm "over with" I just feel like I've all-around been left in the dust as far as life goes.

I just don't know what to do about it. That's my problem. I feel completely trapped, stuck.

September 3, 2003
10:55 pm
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Perhaps you are suffering from depression and perhaps you should see a doctor. Your family doctor could have a talk with you if you book an appointment for counseling.

H.A.L.T. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired.

Are you taking care of the basics? Eating well, sleeping well? Are you angry or aggitated or are you feeling mostly depression?

Tell more, and the good people here will offer their excellent advice.

September 3, 2003
11:51 pm
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Well I did the family doctor thing about 2 years ago. She diagnosed me with severe depression. She prescribed me antidepressants. Which did absolutely nothing. I've ben on four different antidepressants and they had NO effect whatsoever. I swear they must be just a placebo for people who are gullible enough to think they work!

Anyway, she also went through the motions of giving me the suicide hotline number and referred me to a counselor at the mental health center. They had a girl call and ask me some questions and set up a time to see a counselor. My doctor said sometimes talking with someone does a lot of good. And I was looking forward to it, maybe I could at least get some stuff off my chest. Then they called and said that the counselor couldn't make it the an hour before the appointment I was waiting for three weeks for. The next time they'd get me in would be another two weeks from then. I got disgusted and never tried to go again.

For one thing, it would cost around 70 to 80 dollars a (damn near two days pay on my lousy pay)visit and, I thought, would be about as effective as those lousy antidepressants. I'm feeling hopless enough as it is, I don't need to going broke owing some counselor for the next three or four months wouldn't improve my state of mind. Plus I figured I'd just hear more bullshit like "Did you smell the flowers today" "Focus on the simple things and all that Bullshit people have been telling me all along. Maybe I'm wrong but it justseems like nothing will work. I just don't see how I can be helped.

September 4, 2003
12:52 am
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Clayrains,

Look in the phone book and contact your local United Way. They can get you in contact with your local Family Guidance center and they work on a sliding scale. There are times where they will see people completely free, or for as small a fee as $10.00.

It does sound as if you are in very severe depression. Sometimes it does help to talk things out with some one who is neutral. Additonally, how long where you on the anti-depressants? Also, depending on what kind of depression you have, be it clinical, or a chemical imbalance sometimes it takes a few weeks for them to completely kick in, and they may need to adjust your dosage from time to time. However, keep in mind that just because you started taking them it is not a "magic pill" and within 30 seconds you will feel better. It will take time.

But, really check out United Way/Family Guidance, they were a life saver for me.

Good luck,
Zinnie

September 4, 2003
5:37 pm
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Clayrains
You are just SO WRONG not to smell the flowers.

Go smell the damn flowers now!!!

Or do something that brings you pleasure. A walk in the woods and a campfire. A drive in the country.
Enjoy some good sensations. Let some happiness in.

You only go around once. I think that forums like this and self-help books can offer insight for you. I hope you trot back to your doctor and talk about the medication problem and ask for a referral to a therapist.

For heavens sake, care about yourself and for yourself. Then you can be healthy for someone else. Sharing and loving are worthwhile goals.

Kick the blues habit. It's time for a new one.

September 4, 2003
9:48 pm
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Hi Zinnie,

I was on all the medications at least 3 months. The last one I tried, Paxil, I was on for over 4 months with no signs of any change at all. I am not totally giving up on it but seriously doubt its going to help. I might try this new Effexor that's out. I just don't have a lot of belief in medications. I don't know why they don't work for me but they don't. A friend of mine takes antidepressants and claims they work for him and keeps suggesting it. I think it's kind of like what I always tell him when he suggests I take antidepressants... No pill is going to change a situation. I don't think I have any real imabalance I think its more a result of the situation I'm in.

As far as the counseling goes, it might help but I'm not sure. The plce I was going to is a state-funded place and they have a sliding fee but I think theyt said it would be about 60 to 80 dollars. I don't know if it will do enough good to make it worthwhile. I just don't see what they can do beside just tell me. It's kind of like the things you are saying happycamper. I appreciate people trying to help me but it just doesn't do any good. I mean, "smell the flowers" what does that really mean? Does it really mean anything? Or is it just something that sounds good to tell someone?

I would like to take the advice on "bringing happiness in" but I can't. If I take a walk in the woods then I'm depressed an walking in the woods. If I go camping I'm depressed and camping. Really there's JUST NOTHING THAT"S ENJOYABLE ANYMORE and that's the problem that nobody seems to understand. Other than that, all I hear from people like my family is "It's your attitude" As if I purposely stay this way enjoy feeling like this?!?! If you're friends had turned their backs on you, you had no career or future in sight, you where 32 and had to live with your parents because your job doesn't pay enough to live on, women find you undesireable, you have no social life.... what would your attitude be like?!?!? Do they think I don't try every day to pick myself up?!!!? That's my problem, no matter what I try, I can't shake it. I'm miserable and I try every day to change it but find myself in deeper every time I do.

September 4, 2003
9:56 pm
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Hugs to you Clayrains....I know exactly the feeling you are describing.

Sometimes it just takes being validated.

I hear your pain.

September 11, 2003
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I don't know. THis seems to validate something. That I should just give up. I've gotten nowhere here.

September 11, 2003
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Clay why give up? Are you now worth it to continue to try? Were all here to hear you, listen to you and care about you. How are you doing at this moment? What do you think you need?

Life is hard at times and can get very lonely but its up to you to try and make it worthwhile. Have you ever gone people watching? Have you ever gone to the park and just started a conversation with someone? I have and you will see how many people will talk and share with you.

Please continue to write here and someone will respond.

Take Care
Bel

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