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Feeling VERY depressed, and getting suicidal
September 8, 2005
3:41 am
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Neshema
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if misery loves company, I feel sorry for the person who loves that someone else is also suicidal, unless I surely misunderstand.

September 8, 2005
3:43 am
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mamacinnamon
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Dep:

I know what it feels like. Sucks don't it. But, it's not worth ending it. What I have learned is that there is a purpose for your life. That everything you do has an impact on someone else, and then someone else, and then someone else. It's like throwing a stone into the pond. How it ripples out. Life does also. you may not even know the folks you are making some type impact on. If you end it, who will you be depriving a descent life? Who knows? Instead of taking the pain and letting it rule over you... take the pain and turn it into good. Get the help you need to heal. Then use what you have been thru to help others get thru. You have 2 choices... let it beat you, or you beat it and make a difference.

September 8, 2005
5:30 am
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depressionsucks78
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i thought i did beat it mamac...

now i feel like it is ravaging my body again, kind of like some flesh eating disease or something. i was horribly miserable until last year, then i started coming around, was doing GREAT until about a month ago, then started to get worse again, only this time the stakes are a whole lot higher. and i'm not very lucky, so i don't want to take my chances this time, i'm afraid. i'm very afraid of so many things. i'm so lost and confused.

nesh~ you know the saying "misery loves company"? pretty much means, I FEEL MISERABLE, AND OTHER MISERABLE PEOPLE MAKE ME FEEL BETTER...kind of messed up, but true

September 8, 2005
5:59 am
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depressionsucks78
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could this get any worse?????

over the course of the night i have gotten horribly sick. i am running a fever, my head is pounding, my is running/stuffed up all at once, i have a nice hacking cough, and my chest pain is getting bad again.

i can't miss any more work, i missed monday night because of my damn chest pain. i have a feeling they are going to hospitalize me in a few hours. i happen to have a dr. appt. at 7:30 am, cruel irony or what? i felt pretty good, physically, last night. it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I HATE MY LIFE!!!

September 8, 2005
6:01 am
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ds78

: (

Are you on line right now?

~love charlie~X

September 8, 2005
6:10 am
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CODA_Mom
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Hey ds78,

Sorry I couldn't get back to you yesterday, didn't get back online until this morning because of a really tight schedule.

Sounds as if you are coming down with something that needs attention and could be affecting your outlook on life. The chest pains could also be related to panic that comes from feeling abandoned, unless you have heart problems.

Please let us know how things go at the doctor's, will be thinking of you today.

Peace,

CM

September 8, 2005
7:15 am
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depressionsucks78
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charlie, i am here, just not paying much attention....i'm exhausted.

only 4 hours of sleep in last 48.

CODA...it's ok, i'm a lot calmer now than i was before(last night) but still feeling very lost, depressed, despondant, not really giving a shit about life in general...now i just feel SOOOOO horrible, physically, everything else is just making me not care at all

~ds78

September 8, 2005
7:16 am
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depressionsucks78
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am pretty much delerious right now......gotta go to dr. in an hour and a half, then sleep all day to so i can go to work tonight

September 8, 2005
7:53 am
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Anonymous
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DS -

first of all - I am proud of you for NOT getting drunk!!!! that's a GIANT step...celebrate it.

I know how lost and miserable you feel - I was there friday/saturday/monday - I was able to stay busy enough sunday to exhaust myself and not "think".

I went to the shrink on tuesday - hoping for answers and relief but got none. got the same answers I am getting everywhere else - and that pissed me off more - cuz I don't wanna - I don't get it - life ain't fair and I don't wanna be smart, intelligent, struggle, etc. So I went home and cried and felt sorry for myself.

Then I woke up on Wednesday - and it was a new day full of hope - not just cuz it was my bday - cuz THAT alone was causing me great anxiety - I was waiting to be forgotten again - I was waiting for my bday to be miserable like all the other years - but it wasn't. I let go of all expectations and got more than I thought I would.

I hope your doc helps you - I know you say you tried everything - but don't give up hope - cuz there is SOMETHING you can take - you just gotta be willing to try more - the other option is to stay miserable - and that doesn't sound like an option.

you say you got alot of memories and you keep pushing them back - that must be EXHAUSTING. I hope that a therapist can help you bring those memories out, in a safe environment, so you can examine them, deal with them and put them away forever. Sometimes we just can't ignore them - they won't go away - we need to deal with them, that's why they keep recurring. Maybe therapy is more of what you need than a magic pill. I hope your doc can help you get to therapy. If not - I know there are PLENTY of free programs out there - as well as clinics with sliding fee scales - any 12 step program is free and since it's not moderated by doctors and such - you can talk openly and not worry someone is gonna haul you away. CODA could help - maybe al-anon or even AA if you do have a drinking problem (not assuming you do - just a thought)...most churches and hospitals have free support groups or therapy.

keep looking, the solution is out there.

I hope your doc appt goes well.

Ali

ps...don't feel bad about intruding on "my day"...I am not selfish...I want to share my day with everyone...you guys all make me feel so "wanted" here...I love to help and it makes me feel good to help others, even if only in small ways. I had a great night and all I did was houseclean and have dinner with my BF...with a little snuggle time afterwards - the house didn't get as clean as I like - but it's a start. We have maintenance guys coming, so I couldn't leave it as bad as it was. Don't ever feel like you are intruding - if I don't want to be here, I wouldn't be.

September 8, 2005
8:05 am
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depressionsucks78
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ok ali~

thank you so much, again, could u read my post in rev's thread about breaking up? it's kinda long, but it was a revelation for me, i think i'm CODEP. another scary prospect. anyway, i will try to post more this afternoon, it's 6 am and i have to go take a shower and be at the dr. in an hour, physical health took a SHARP turn for the worst late last night. making not really give a shit about anything else...

~ds78

ps...i feel exactly the same way, regarding your line..."I don't get it - life ain't fair and I don't wanna be smart, intelligent, struggle, etc."...i hate it too!!!

HUGS

September 8, 2005
9:18 am
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I saw your post about your chest pains - and from all I have seen in friends who have had it - as long as your heart it healthy, it is a strong indicator of panic attack or anxiety attack - which mimicks a heart attack in so many ways.

go to your doc - they can address this too - again, therapy, meditation, meetings and even meds can help you thru this.

September 8, 2005
5:14 pm
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depressionsucks78
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I just got home after spending 6 hours in the ER, because my dr. thought i had viral meningitis...i guess i don't, i just have a VERY nasty viral infection.

I thought it was a panic attack when i first started having chest pain, they said it wasn't that, so i thought i was just plain crazy(wasn't the first time).

in the meantime, i have to go get a few more hours of sleep, so that i can be up all night working my ass off...I REALLY HATE MY LIFE!!!

I probably won't be able to post much, because this is my monday, i will try to check in when i can, but i make no guarantees.

love you guys
~ds78

September 8, 2005
6:24 pm
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take care DS - be good to yourself - sleep well.

September 8, 2005
6:25 pm
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CODA_Mom
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Thanks, ds, for keeping us up-to-date.

Try to rest when you can, and keep posting when you need to. I'm sure there are lots of good things about your life, it's just that when we're physically ill it affects everything else.

Peace out & ((((hugs))))

CM

September 8, 2005
8:13 pm
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HOLLY BERRY
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Oh precious "depressionsucks".....you have something in your life that is worth giving.....please do not leave us....we need you almost as much as you need us right now.....we are each other's support group.

I learned today, that in ancient times, 4000 BCE, the quest was for immortality....our immortality is the mark we leave on this world....that is my belief.....have you ever done anything in your life that maybe, just maybe, made a difference in sonmeone's life? If so, you are surely not to the point where you could end your life. Have you thought about how you would complete the suicide? If you are seriously considering the ways you would acomplish your goal, then we need to get you to the ER or Psychiatric unit NOW! Do not give up on yourself.....give me feedback....ask me questions...I bet I am older than you, and though I fight my own demons everyday, I want to help you. Just look at the number of responses you have had in 1 DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO ONE HERE WANTS YOU TO COMMIT SUICIDE.....PLEASE HOLD ON TO THAT....IF THIS WERE NOT AN ANONYMOUS SITE I WOULD FLY TO YOU TONIGHT TO HELP YOU!!!!!!!!! (Even though I don't have much to offer.....)

Do you have any goals? It sounds like such a "cliche" question, but that is what pulls us out of depression....

Where do you see yourself in two years....where do you want to be? Who would miss you if you were not alive? What has driven you to the point you have arrived at? Can you help yourself by helping someone else, or are you so stuck that you can't get past your own misery? WE LOVE YOU AND WE DON'T want you to disappear from this chat line....

PLEASE RESPOND NOW!!!!!!!!!!

Love ya - and prayers go up for you now...........

xo - holly b

September 8, 2005
9:47 pm
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depressionsucks78
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ok, slow down holly....did you read my very first post? I AM NOT GOING TO HURT MYSELF

I just really feel shitty about everything, and then i got physically sick last night, and that made everything worse. i feel like i'm going to pass out every time i stand up, my vision is blurry, i have so much sinus pressure that my teeth hurt, my neck is really stiff, i feel like i'm gonna puke, and i can barely breathe.

i'm really trying to keep myself upright right now, but there's a LOT going on

cm & ali~

thanks guys, it's going to be a rough night tonight, but hopefully, i'll make it...i would stay on this site 24/7 if i could, i think i mentioned earlier, posting is almost like journaling to me, it's helping just to be able to write what i'm feeling, knowing that someone is seeing it, but they can't lock me up for it, i can just be myself.

thanks again, love

~ds78

September 8, 2005
10:05 pm
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HOLLY BERRY
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Sorry I responded in an innappropiate manner...just trying to help...suicide scares me. Sometimes I jump to conclusions. I just went back and reread the chain. Again I am sorry for my response if you feel it was unacceptable.

HB

September 9, 2005
7:58 am
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DS -

I am sorry you feel so physically miserable - have some hot tea, wrap yourself in a warm fuzzy blankie and chill as best you can.

I know that it sucks being sick when we are trying so hard to do everything right and got so much on our plate - sometimes I think it's "someone's" way of telling us to slow down - that we have to - so "they" make us sick so we don't have a choice.

take care of you - and best wishes for a speedy and easy recovery.

September 9, 2005
11:13 am
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depressionsucks78
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HB~ it's all good, i just re-read my post and it really "sounded" like i was attacking you. that was not my intention AT ALL, I'M SORRY!!! thank you for your concern, it is very much appreciated!!!

ali & CM~ well...i made it through work, and i actually don't feel as bad as i did yesterday at this time. i still feel like i got shot at and missed, shit at and hit....but it's better than yesterday, which i'll take.

I'm wondering if maybe the doctors have been wrong about me...not sure why, or where that thought came from, but thinking that there is something deeper going on. my mind is reeling, can't slow down the brain train, even cracking jokes left and right, and at the same time, underneath what everyone sees, i am so depressed, so completely sad, and angry, that i keep trying to think of ways out. NOT SUICIDE, CUZ I'VE ALREADY TRIED THAT, but some way to escape, get out of my head, out of my body, out of my life. even if only for a little while. i've tried many different things/ways of escaping, and nothing works, because the brain train is breaking the speed limit. HELP!!!

September 9, 2005
11:31 am
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the brain train - that's a good one.

sometimes I wonder if everyone thinks I am nuts - if they could only see inside my head - see the "chorus" going on - hear the tons of thoughts and feelings and emotions and plans and worries - the thoughts telling me what to do, the thoughts telling me what not to do...I think you can understand.

calgon take me away? isn't that the famous commercial?

I don't know much about BPD - but know enough about bipolar to know the manic stages can make us totally crazy - and there isn't any real way to shut it all off, short of medicating it - which you have repeatedly said didn't work.

I know how it is to want to be someone else, want an escape, want a vacation from the nonsense.

there is a new fad out there - flotation therapy - where they put you in a warm pool, in the dark, and have you float on your back for 15 minutes.

let me tell you - I went to the ocean recently - it was a beach that was protected by a jetty, so the waves were REALLY gentle - and the water wasnt' deep and there was no riptide. I borrowed my daughter's boogie board - and went out to a point where I couldn't touch - and leaned on the boogie board - let my body float out behind me - and put my head on my crossed arms and shut my eyes and just blocked all the sounds out - and just CHILLED. I can't tell you how good that always makes me feel.

I have managed to find a way to do that at home - laying in my bed - letting myself go until I feel like I am floating - detached - hovering.

when I am stressed, it's harder to do - but it's a way to unwind.

I am not sure how "detached" you are trying to be - how much you are looking to escape - or what type of escape you are looking for.

can you take a vacation? visit the ocean? take a hike in the woods? try an art project? music? volunteer? play with kids at the park?

you went to the docs yesterday - was the only focus on your immediate health problems? did you discuss the mental issues/stress you are experiencing?

I think we all have to find our ways to destress and stop thinking - one person here mows her lawn, I know I like to bake or do a craft project, or take a nap.

keep talking, we'll find the answers.

September 9, 2005
12:02 pm
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depressionsucks78
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i was going to tell the doc about the mental issues, but couldn't because i was so flippin sick, being sick TOTALLY messed up my plans for everything.

oh, btw, husband emailed this morning, bugging me about filing the divorce papers, now i've got that headache to deal with to, as if everything else wasn't enough...he makes me wait three years, telling me all the while, oh i'm workin on it, and now, he's at war, and won't leave me alone about doing it? why should i jump through hoops?

ok, brain train derailed...i live in colorado, close to the mountains, so i could go up there, actually thinking i might do that in a couple of weeks, kinda have a b-day celebration/vacation all in one. just thought of that one, and man i can't wait!!! i ABSOLUTELY LOVE SINGING!!!!!and, not wanting to sound conceited, but i am pretty darn good at it...used to sing 5 nights a week in various bars...fun, fun, fun...

ummm, how detatched do i want to be???

honestly, i'd like to take a vacation from my entire body for a while, but seeing as how that's really not possible, i'm gonna have to figure something else out...

September 9, 2005
12:13 pm
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you made me giggle - brain train - it keeps making me smile - cuz I can TOTALLY relate.

tell your husband if he wants to divorce you, he can serve you and be done with it. I have done enough damn research on divorce laws and know that if you want it, you have to go get it - that you can't force anyone to do it - harrass them into submission, yes, but force them against their will - no.

then in the next breath I wonder how hard it will be to get them done - are there do it yourself kits? after three years, it should be fairly simple to fill out - nothing should still be joint. my current bf is battling his wife - she lives in NY - land of the impossible divorce laws - if she doesn't want it and he can't prove grounds - he doesn't get the divorce - trying to beat him about the head and show him that filing in CT where we live now, he can have it even if she doesn't want it - and most states are like that. The do it yourself kits can be found on any state judicial system website - and the fees aren't much, tho I know we don't have the funds right now for them.

would it be easier just to do it and get that part of the past DONE and over with? - if not - tell him to go jump off a bridge - you'll do it when you feel like it, and if he doesn't like it, he can file against you.

brain train - SING YOUR DAMN HEART OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and if you are good - why not pursue some kind of way to use your talent????? go sing karaoke someplace, meet new people.

and because you can't do it tomorrow or sunday - call back your doc and tell her there are other issues you need to see her for and make a follow up appt. for next week - by then you should be better and can focus on the brain train!!!!

keep talking - I like hearing from you!

September 9, 2005
12:24 pm
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depressionsucks78
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ok, i like talking, i haven't filed because of the health insurance i am getting from being married to him, can't beat military insurance.

KARAOKE is one of my fave. pasttimes...that's what i did 5 nights a week, and i won several contests too, it's just hard to do it now, because of work.

so glad the brain train is making you giggle, i'm so slap happy, i want everyone to be there with me, even if it's only for a few minutes 🙂

September 9, 2005
12:37 pm
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depressionsucks78
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slap happy turned into exhaustion, gonna go to bed now, probably only gonna get a few hours today, oh well

love you all

~ds78

September 9, 2005
12:50 pm
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DS -

can't blame you for wanting to stay married and keep the insurance!!!! in that case - tell him you'll get to it when you are damn well ready!!!

I wish you were TRULY happy - not just slap happy - but I'll take it.

I know I get slap happy in the face of true exhaustion - then totally break down and EVERYTHING makes me cry - just blink wrong - and I cry.

go rest - and feel better - i'll be around the rest of today, part of saturday and not until evening sunday - I'll look out for your posts.

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