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Feeling Very Alone in a Hostile World
March 1, 2000
1:40 am
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EssEmm
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God what a day I just had. I run a volunteer based reading program in a couple of grade schools. The program is for kids with problems and today they were impossible to deal with. It's been horrible.
Anyway, I just moved to where I'm living to take this job and I hate the town. It's a white trash redneck hole in the earth. My family and friends are all 200 miles away and I haven't made any new friends here. All I can think about in the last couple of weeks is the fact that none of my volunteers, none of my students, none of my teachers or my supervisors really gives a rat crap about me. If I died tommorow, a few of them might say "oh that's too bad." but once a new coordinator came in, I'd be forgotten. My supervisor would be miffed because she had to hire a new coordinator but 2 months later, she wouldn't care. My roomate (I live with a woman) has a great boyfriend and when she has a bad day she has someone to hold her, to tell her it's going to be okay but all I have is a TV and a computer. I come home to my apartment every night, park in front of the TV for a few hours before going to my computer for a few hours and going to bed. All of my friends are now nothing more than chat buddies. I have no one to give me a hug when I need one, no one to look me in the eye, no voice to talk to me. My social life has truly been reduced to an endless line of 1's and 0's. I hate it. Today at work, the thought of drinking a whole bunch of laundry detergent briefly crossed my mind. I don't know if that would kill me or not but it might get me some attention which is all I really want. I don't want to kill myself. I don't particularaly like life right now but I'm really freaked out about what might await me on the other side. Maybe Hell, maybe an eternal "lights out". Neither sounds very fun. I seriously doubt heaven is in the books for me because #1 I'm not sure that the place even exists and #2 if it did exist according to Christian Theology, reason #1 would pretty much preclude me from entering. I'm not really interested in whatevers there right now.
Okay so I've pretty much figured out that I have depression (I have a psych degree). I need counseling and possibly medication but I can't afford it. My health insurance covers medication and up to 4 one hour counseling sessions (what a joke, right?) I don't know what to do. I could be in a completely different mood tommorow.
You know what the bad part is. I can't even cry. I've forgotten how. I wish I could just curl up in my bed and cry my eyes out but I can't. I've tried but I get nothing. What I can do is yell and hit things and throw things and get in a bad mood and then feel like a total jerk afterwords. I don't know how many people I've hurt over the years with my little tyrades but I'm sure there have been quite a few (not physically, but emotionally. I've never laid a hand on anyone and don't intend to) These are people who care about me. God I wish I could take some of that stuff back. I wish I could cry instead of blow up. Not as many people get hurt when you cry. Sure it's not as masculine but I still think it's the better way to go.
Well, I mostly just wanted to vent. I'm sure a lot of you have problems that are just as serious as mine if not more so but I have to tell you right now I feel like a real peicce of doggie doo!

Thanks for listening...

EssEmm

March 1, 2000
5:27 am
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Jaytong
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I guess you are not alone.
Well, I am not too sure about your real problem, but the problem of "lost of ability to cry" sounds familar to me, 'coz I am one of those people who forgot how to cry too. People have been thinking that is not normal for a girl who doesn't know how to cry...... I know how it feels. That is very frustrating. sometimes, tears do drop from my eyes, but then I'll hold back instinctively......I am learning how to cry right now. Can't you do something to make yourself cry? Like, watch a sad movie? listening to sad songs? I guess that's much better. My problem is, I fail to cry in front of people. I must do this alone, so in order to get a vent, I have to make time to be alone, and try to do things to make myself cry.

Hope that helps.

Jay

March 1, 2000
6:52 am
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hazza
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HI there,
i know how lonely you are feeling right now, but look back at what you wrote about the new place you are.
Firstly it takes time to build friendships any new place would seem very alien at first.
Second, you are putting up a barricde towards your new life, you are not at all impressed by any of the people you know there and so how can you hope to form any relationships with them? they would sense your hostility a mile off even if they wanted to befriend you.
Sorry to sound harsh, but if you want to get friendships going you are gonna have to go out and meet people half way. there aint no-one gonna come knocking at your door becuase most people are usually shy too and tend to chicken out of starting up converstaion with someone new unless that person really puts them at their ease and makes it easy for them. if they sense your depression as hostility they just won't bother and that perpetuates the vicious cycle for you.

At the end of the say you may well realse that this town is not for you and move back home, but where ever you are no one else can lift your depression from you, sure yes they could hug you when you are down and listen to you, but that is only half the answer, you need to truley want to find happiness again in yourself and be committed to the fact that you can be happy in yourself. I am lonely quite alot of the time, but i try not to confuse that with unhappiness anymore, i try my best to realise that only i can be happy with me anyone else is just the icing on the cake, it is too much responsibility for ANYONE to make them the sole guardian of the ability to make you happy. start working on that one now and beleive me you will save yourself a lot of co=dep problems when a relationship does come your way!

No one has the answers for depression, it is different for everyone, for some prozac works, for others councelling helps and so the list goes on. You need to find out what helps for you, and i tell you that changing your attitude or at least trying your best to, can really help. But please understand that no other person on this planet will be able to make that depression fade, only you have the slightest chance of doing that. I started a long time ago behaving almost like an actor. I was depressed and often still am but i acted the role of a happy person and often it works out that the brain starts to have those happy signals more and more naturally becuase i had given it so much practice in role play. This is just me, i don't claim that would work for everyone, i just sugest you try your best to nuture hope and positive thoughts becuasethey alone have worked more miricles for me than anything or anyone else.

Hugs to you, and i hope you either try your best at this place or move back home becuase either way it is better than being in limbo.

Also you talk of feeling guilt about your past behaviour. Dont beat yourself up, you are human. If it helps why not write a letter to those people you feel that you have treated badly? You can explain all the reasons and it is REALLY therapeutic, you don't have to mail the letter sometimes writing it is enough. But it does help you focus and get some closure on the issue, you are doing something about it rather than just getting all obsessed by it and having it fill up your mind more and more. Again just my thoughts, but please believe me i spent ages thinking and thinking about all this stuff and i have found that doing positive actions makes things happen, thinking over things again and again just tends to confuse things.

Maybe pick someone you would like to get to know and arrange to go to a meal or a movie? actions help, it reminds your brain that you are actually doing something about the situation, your brain is then happy as it feels there is some hope for the future! if you do nothing then how is anything going to change?

Peace
Hazza

March 1, 2000
9:54 pm
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janes
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Lived in one of those towns once. And believe it or not....there are usually a few classy people who will give hugs.
When I have a bad day I look for the preschoolers classroom, or kindergarten to give hugs...they give good ones just don't get your head to close in case of head lice.

Hard lesson to learn...we are all expendable. but...some of those kids you are working with...won't learn to read unless you are there. It's a fact and also....one or two of them will look like lost causes....and you will will be the one that has planted a seed that leads them to a master or even phd or just a very happy life..it's true. this I know about.
Laundry detergent....?.....diarhea.
I wold assume you can afford a few books and stufff. Get one on the twelve step process. One of the steps is making amends to those you have hurt.
Most of us are self helpers. and we are doing it in our own ways, in our own times. There is no real rush as long as you intend to live for awhile. In the field you are currntly in...caretaking is a way of life yet we caretakers tend to not e taken care of when we want to be. and that's hard.

But doggie doo you're not. No more negetive stuff now. change your brain to positives...you can make yourself do that.
Masculine feminine...who gives a care as long as you develop into a person that cares for your self and cares for others in a healthy constructive way.

and hey 1's and 0's are better than nothing.
Heaven. I belieive in it. and hell. but that's another search. Also part of the twelve step process.

we're here.
Take care

March 1, 2000
11:29 pm
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Jaytong
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Dear Hazza,
About "I started a long time ago behaving almost like an actor. I was depressed and often still am but i acted the role of a happy person and often it works out that the brain starts to have those happy signals more and more naturally becuase i had given it so much practice in role play. This is just me, i don't claim that would work for everyone, i just sugest you try your best to nuture hope and positive thoughts becuasethey alone have worked more miricles for me than anything or anyone else."

I used to do this too, but sometimes, I feel like as if I am actually fooling myself, just cheating myself so as to cover up to others, then I would feel confused....and feel like I am lost, no longer understand how is happy/unhappy....????
Do you have this problem?

Jay

March 2, 2000
7:22 am
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janes
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essemm

Any better today?

I know it's tough...

Hang in there!!!

March 2, 2000
11:15 am
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hazza
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Jaytong, hi
i fully know what you mean and i expected at least one person to say that this was not a good idea!

Yes in a way you could say that you are fooling yourself but i mean it a bit differently. I don't mean to deny your depression but rather to try to live alongside it and allow yourself to behave as if it weren't there when you can by way of practice. Because your mind does tend to follow. Its not saying to yourself "hey my depression ins't real" its more like saying "i am gonna try to play this situation as if the depression was not there see if i can change some of my negative thoughts by acting happy and see if my body responds" just like when sometimes you see loads of people laughing and it makes you laugh just watching them. You can trick your body and practice acting happy.

But this is just one tool i use, sometimes it helps me shift out of the blues. the real work still needs to be done, you still need to get to know and to LIKE yourself as a person. to many people don't like who they are and it is bad. You need to only compare yourself to you! don't worry about matching up to others, they have their own shit to deal with no doubt, the question is are you doing the best you can? if so give yourself a break and be nice to yourself, like yourself, find a list of ten good things about you and feel good about it! it really helps, tell me what is good about you too! i like me because of my strengths and try not to get to down about my failings, mostly it works.
Although i woke up this morning so sad about the fact that i can't drive a car anywhaere alone becuase of panic attacks, felt really down about it, but i've gotten over that one now this afternoon, i know i'll do it one day and even if i don't, it won't be the end of the world will it? there is plenty else i can do!!
Hope you get what i mean about the acting, it is more to get your body to have the right physical responces, it is you body you are kidding if anything not your mind.
Peace
Hazza

March 3, 2000
5:07 am
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Jaytong
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hi, hazza, I don't mean that's not a good idea. in fact, that's a very good idea indeed.

u'r right, the crucial point is 'to like yourself'.....
i guess (if I didn't misunderstand your saying) the most important thing is to keep a balance between "keeping yourself happy by trying to PUT ASIDE (not to deny) depression" and "suppressing your real feelings". Maybe sometimes i lose balance, and forgot to "be myself", and thus get lost.
for the time being, keeping this balance is rather tricky to me .

March 4, 2000
3:01 am
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winter001
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i've got to say that while you project yourself as depressed you seam to be doing the job of a saint. you should take a long hard look in the mirror and start by realizing that you have the company of a smart articulate human being and enjoy that company. I agree with HAzza that sometimes situations like this are perfect to find yourself and love yourself because you don't have aother choices. has there ever been anything that you've really wanted to do? like draw or write, study? something you havn't got round to to fill that time. i know the feeling that someone else to hold you would make evrything else alright, but finding that kind of comfort in yourself is about the most fulfilling thing you could learn. good luck

P.S. someone once told me the only reason I studied Psychology was to try and figure myself out - in retrospect, they were right - why did you study it?

March 13, 2000
8:58 am
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hazza
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Hi Jaytong.
I think you are so right, put aside the depression, and not let it rule, that is just what i meant. Some times i can feel depression coming on, but i can avoid it becuase i change the way i am being, i make a concious decision that i don't want the depression right now and it can go away because i am busy! the physical body responds to the thoughts you give it.

March 21, 2000
6:37 pm
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chris-tina
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EssEmm,

I felt exactly like that a few months ago. I was in a city without a single friend. I was very lonely and depressed. I thought about killing myself all of the time even though I don't think I really wanted to die. First of all know that you are not alone!!! There are others out there feeling the same. There are probably others out there in your town even feeling the same and looking for a friend like you. Get involved in something else that you enjoy. Some other sort of hobby or support group even. I found a friend in a theatre production I was in who was lonely too. We became very close and helped each other out immensly. Second of all, know that people would miss you if you were gone. I thought the same thing. I didn't think that anyone would even realize I was gone for a couple of weeks. Only now do I know that they would have. People that you have no clue care would miss you emensly. I went to school with a guy who committed suicide last year. I hardly knew him at all, yet it tore me apart and still haunts me over a year later. Those people who care are there. Trust in that. Now it's time to care about yourself. Next, get counseling. Even if your insurance only covers 4 visits, GO! Talk to them about it. They can at least help and help you discover ways to deal with everything even if you can't attend regular therapy. They might also be able to refer you somewhere for limited free counseling or a support group of some sort. You've made a Very important first step in realizing that you have a problem and want help. It took me months to realize that there was anything wrong with the fact that I wanted to kill myself. You also made an incredible second step by reaching out. Congratulate yourself. Now do yourself a favor and reach out again. Do it for yourself. Do it for all of those around you who care about you. But, most importantly. . . Do it for yourself!!! You deserve it!!!

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