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Feeling Trapped and like a bad person
August 6, 2009
9:37 am
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Lost7
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Hello everyone. I have to admit I’m a little embarrassed to express my issues because I’m not used to it really. I’ve been in a co dependant relationship for years. My girlfriend is always on edge, always criticizing me for every action I take. She responds to every mistake I make by raising her voice. When she’s around I constantly have a feeling of anxiousness. I feel trapped. I’ve given up so much for this relationship. Its hard for me to have any sort of normal social relationships or friends because every time I get close someone she will set up a situation where if I choose to go out with anyone other then her she says I am choosing them over her. IM ashamed to admit it but I even see my family less because she will become agitated with me for leaving her alone for more than a few days (my family lives 6 hours away so when I go I often stay for a week). I bring her with me sometimes but she makes me miserable when I’m there. For awhile she has wanted a baby, but I just cant bring myself to have one. Mainly because I don’t want one but also because the thought of being stuck here alone with no one but her sends me into a panic attack. I’ve been honest with her about how I feel about it. She keeps trying to convince me that I really do want a baby. Every day, at least 5 times a day she starts a conversation on it and will ask me again and again throughout the day. Its been this way for 2 years. I feel like such a coward. I’ve tried to leave a number of times but I feel so bad for her. She’s not a bad person and I feel that I’ve ruined her life by just being me. I’m a coward for not leaving and I know that. I’m scared of what she will do if I go. She doesn’t have a job that pays good, and wont drive many places. She also has these tantrums that scare the hell out of me. (Screaming, punching things, throwing things, making threats ? ) I tried to get her to go to couples counseling with me but she says I’m the one with the problems. I feel like my life is over sometimes. I’m 30 years old I’m in a state of anxiety most of the time and my health has gotten worse over the past year probably because the stress. IM terrified it’s too late for me, or my girlfriend, to start over. Sorry for the big wall of text, I’ve never told anyone this before.

August 6, 2009
10:01 am
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Lanigirl
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Hi Lost,

Thanks for having the courage to put your story out here. That's a huge step. Now it's not as secret as before.

It sounds like you recognize the abuse that is going on here. Feeling trapped is a good clue that things aren't right. It doesn't sound like a good situation for either person involved.

The only person you can be responsible for is you. You're very young and there are many more healthy possibilities for you.

I'd like to offer encouragement to find a therapist just for you, attend a CODA or Alanon meeting, or find a book by Melanie Beattie. Keep Posting!

August 6, 2009
10:34 am
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CAMER
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hi Lost..yes, you made a first step by posting...and trust me you are not alone, i bet alot of us can relate to your situation.

Therapy, yes will be good for you, i went in the past and it helped tremendously, esp. getting an outside opinion. And coda meetings too are excellent. I guess ((Lani)) pretty much covered this!!

Just know that the longer you go on with this, the harder it will be to get out. I don't know if you want to end this relationship or not, but your gf is who she is, and she needs to want to change her bad ways, and only she can do this. You, don't have to put up with this, and the longer you do put up with this, the longer she will treat you in the same disrespectful way.

Also, keep posting, its good to get things out.

August 6, 2009
11:44 am
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sad sack
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Hi Lost7 and welcome.

First of all, you are a young man. You have your entire life ahead of you. Posting here is a giant step to a more hopeful tomorrow.

From what you describe, you sound as if you are in a miserable situation. Please know that it doesn't have to be like this.

You must realize that you are not responsible for her happiness. That is solely on her shoulders. What she will or will not do if you break up, is not your issue.

She is certainly controlling you. Stop letting her. Let her have her immature temper tantrums. Let her scream and yell and throw things. These are all manipulative tactics to keep you in line.

You are very wise NOT to have a baby with her. Be careful as she may manipulate you into that as well.

You don't have to feel trapped. Just make a plan to leave and then follow through. I know it is scary but it can be done.

You are given one life on this earth. Why spend it with someone who makes you feel so depleted and miserable? You are not the bad person here.

Please keep posting and hopefully, you will gather the strength needed to leave. Perhaps, as others have suggested, go to counseling to explore your fears about leaving.

You have two thirds of your life left. Make those years the happiest and most satisfying ones yet. It is in your hands. Gain control of your life. Right now, she has it but it does not have to remain that way. Take a stand and get moving.

We look forward to hearing from you.

sad

August 6, 2009
12:37 pm
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atalose
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Be extremely careful of the ultimate trap---baby. Maybe she feels that if she can push you into having a baby with her, then she will secure this relationship for the next 18 years, be very careful.

I think it’s great you found a place to open up and talk about all this. I’m sure if you stick around and gain some insight into yourself and letting go of this hurtful harmful relationship will bring you less anxiety.

It just doesn’t seem like a loving, caring relationship as much as it is you have become her hostage.

Keep posting……….

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

August 7, 2009
8:37 am
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Lost7
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Thank You everyone for your advice. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I felt both relieved and guilty after posting, but overall I think it was a good thing for me to do

I've been in this situation for so long. I've lived with my girlfriend for about 4 half years and went out with her throughout a good half of my college years. I've been trying to push myself to action for the longest time. I mean there is part of me that genuinely loves and cares about her. I guess this has been all I have known for so long. Her needs have eclipsed my own in a way and Im not even sure what I want anymore.

Again thank you very much for all the advice. I will definitley look into getting some sort of therapy and try to take back some control. :o)

August 7, 2009
2:29 pm
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StronginHim77
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First of all,what kind of mother do you think this woman would be? If she dishes out such terrible emotional and verbal abuse to you,(an adult man), what do you think she will do to a helpless child?

Definitely, get into private therapy for yourself. I had a long relationship with a man who had BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) whose symptoms/behaviors sound an awful lot like hers. Even though he had a serious personality disorder, I found myself unable to leave him. Even with therapy, it nearly killed me. That was nearly 4 years ago. Now, I wonder how I could ever have hooked up with such a toxic partner.

Also,read the book STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS by Mason & Kreger. It may shed some light on your sitution.

- Ma Strong

August 8, 2009
9:53 am
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Lost7
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Thank you for the book recommendation Strong, I already put the book on order. I never thought about the possibility that she might be borderline before. From what Im reading on the internet it sounds like a definite possibility. Probably one of the hardest things about the whole thing is her shifts from being kind and nice to me to her being very critical, demanding and bossy. The thought of her being alone makes me feel horrible, even though I know that in the end that might be a better situation for me. Sometimes I even feel as if Im misperceiving her actions and that IM the real problem or Im too sensitive or something. I know I sound somewhat illogical, I tend to act off my emotions too much. Thank you for all the help again. It feels really good to just get this out. For the past 4 years I haven't told a soul how I really feel.

August 8, 2009
5:32 pm
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StronginHim77
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Definitely keep posting. Whether or not she is a borderline, you do have a very toxic partner on your hands, one who is incapable of loving anyone. Love does not rage. Love does not threaten. Love does not subject its partner to violent mood swings. Love does not leave a partner feeling trapped, guilty and as if he/she must constantly walk on eggshells to avoid another explosion.

She is damaged goods. You will need help to get free of her, however. And that will take alot of support. I went through ten months of private therapy and STILL nearly broke down when I finally severed from my toxic former fiance. It was so hard for me at the time. Today, I look back in amazement that I endured such mistreatment for so long and FEARED/DREADED leaving him.

Sounds familiar? Keep posting. It will help you maintain normalcy in your thought life and decision-making.

Please share your thoughts,once you get ahold of that book. There are some other good ones, (such as I HATE YOU; DON'T LEAVE ME), but I think STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS was the best of the bunch.

- Ma Strong

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