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feeling suspiscions
October 19, 2006
10:01 am
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My son's gf just moved in with him with her 2 children. We have tried to be so respectful of our kids and their life decisions that we do not pry, but always support them in their decisions.

He told us she was expecting his baby in the Spring. While I am happy for the news that he is happy about, I am worried that we know so little.

We have spent time with them maybe 6-8 times in the almost a year that they've been dating. Initially my son did not seem to be very "attached" to her, but enjoyed the relationship. I KNOW he wants to settle down and be a family.

When we met them last month at a local festival, she told me her second child was the result of a one-night stand and she chose to NOT have an abortion, which I understand as a very brave decision. Now I'm thinking she was not married to her first child's father.

I heard a rumor that she flirts with other guys at work. I've wanted to encourage my son to marry her, but I've gotten uneasy. He was married briefly to a woman who had 2 abortions. Then involved for 3 yrs with another woman we still care about who ALSO had an abortion. I didn't learn this until recently. I KNOW I don't know lots of details.

She seems really open and honest. But I have some uneasy feelings. My H feels just as strongly about just trusting and loving her as our son does, but I am concerned that she could be "choosing her truths":

The baby name they were considering -- I discovered accidentally it's the 1st child's father's middle name (?????) She seems to think it's a boy (no proof) and he likes that idea alot (?????) She came into financial straits last spring when she gave all her (over 100,000) money to her father to invest and the investment failed (?????)
Her moved-in "things" are pretty meager and inexpensive. His home and "things" are pretty much the opposite.

It's impossible to paint the whole scenario. I only put up the red flags I see. I feel I've not always been able to spot the "liars" in my life and it is hard to read this.

My "radar" is uneasy. I honestly don't know how well I am reading this.

October 19, 2006
10:23 am
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I realize this is pretty much not about "me", but I'd love some alternative thoughts to my suspicious ones. I am wanting for our son to be happy and not to be taken advantage of. So I'm bumping this up one more time.

October 19, 2006
12:36 pm
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ggfred4
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Brynnie, As mothers, these feelings are normal as we want the best for our children. Yes, I too, see the red flags. Yet, this puts you in an awkward situation. You don't want to do anything to her your relationship with your son and that makes it difficult.

My daughter is dating and probably living with (hiding that info) a guy who we believe is all wrong for her. I am thinking that she may be codependent. She wants to change and help the "bad boy". I have to be so careful in what I say to her because I have already alienated her once and now have her back in my life.
I am now just praying for her and have to allow her to live by her decisions whether I agree or not. Yes, this is very, very hard.

Good luck in this situation and I hope the best for your family.

October 19, 2006
11:49 pm
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Thank you for your reply, gg.

I called my son to ask him if he would consider checking out my niece's boys at their practice tonight, and instead, as we were talking, he began to spill out everything about what is going on with him and his gf. I swear, he's NEVER done this before.....which makes me feel like he thinks he is in over his head.

He's scared. Too too many red flags are waving for this to be a good thing. She wants to get married. He told me he never said I love you to her until she told him she was pregnant. She was on birth control, so this was an accident (?????). Our son is not an idiot. He is a genuinely nice guy. He's not naive, either. I cannot believe that this situation LOOKS like it does.

I'm going to set up a date to have coffee with her. I don't have a clue what I will say.

October 19, 2006
11:53 pm
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I misspelled suspicions.

October 20, 2006
12:08 am
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Shaney
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Brynnie - hey there... gosh, what a mess. The fact that your son spilled all of his concerns to you, says to me, that he wants help. First of all, just because they're having a child together, doesn't mean they have to get married... AT ALL. In fact, I think a DNA test would be in order - regardless of who's feelings may be hurt at the request. This is a life altering situation, so every precaution needs to be taken. I'm not saying that you should step in to the point of trying to control the situation... you don't want to make any unnecessary waves with your son. But by all means, have that coffee with her. Feel her out without being too presumptuous or pushy. Then do your best to be subjective. But try to convey to your son that he absolutely does not have to marry this girl. He needs to take one step at a time, carefully and cautiously. He needs you right now... you're a good mother.

October 20, 2006
1:17 am
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Hi Shaney,

He is such a good man. I'm not just saying that because I'm his mother. I know he's not perfect.

I'm a lousy spy. I don't know what more I would want to know from her, other than a crystal ball full of questions like are you going to appreciate him, love and forgive him when he doesn't behave as you'd like? Or take him for granted, blame him and criticize him?

I know how hard it is for him to not grasp at the happiness of seeing love and marriage with the mother of his child. He has had an incredible amount of grief in his life. He is a rescuer.

So it's not just a matter of some hurt feelings. He has REALLY held up well under stress and grief. He is not a doormat.

So he is all twisted up inside. He knows he took a step towards something he does not want and he doesn't want to look like a jerk in "abandoning" her. He even is wise enough to realize that she is expecting him to jump in to a father's role with her other kids and he is feeling like he has no problem loving them, but he is also new to the whole parenting thing.

I wish I knew ANYONE who has gotten married under these circumstances and it turned out great.

October 20, 2006
10:46 am
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StronginHim77
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As the mother of two sons, (one over 21), I can appreciate your heartache and concern. It is tough to see our "kids," facing serious life choices which carry such "high stakes" consequences.

My older son has also come to me at times and disclosed very personal situations and dilemmas to me. I have learned my "role" in such a scenario: I am there to listen, to support, to offer wisdom (if requested) and to pray for him. But it is not my place to "fix" his problem or to intervene.

Your son has, unfortunately, made some bad choices and now he is facing very difficult and long-reaching decisions because of those choices. He chose to have unprotected sex. He chose to date a woman who is also a mother. He chose to have this woman move into his home. All adult choices. If he has sought your counsel, (and it sounds as if he has), then you have done what you should. Give him your wisest advice, then step back.

Having this woman over for "coffee" (without your son present?) does not strike me as a wise course of action. It could come back and haunt you down the road. If she takes offense at anything you say in the course of that private get-together, you could find yourself in a miserable situation in the future. If your son DOES decide to marry her and if this baby she carries IS your grandchild, you could find yourself unintentionally alienated from your son's wife -- and thus, cut off to a great extent from comfortable contact and closeness to your son and your grandchild.

I would counsel you to err on the side of caution now. It is not your place to intervene personally and "fix" this situation for your son, nor to do "detective work" on this prospective daughter-in-law.

He is, after all, an adult. And making mistakes is what adulthood entails. He has some adult mistakes here. Let him work through them, the best he can. Be supportive. Recommend that he have HIV and STD testing (because of the unprotected sexual activity). But let HIM make the decisions and try to remain neutral.

I know how hard that can be. I am a mother, too. It is really, really hard to resist that temptation to swoop in and rescue our loved ones. But I would urge you to step back from this and let your son handle it, as a MAN should.

- Strong

October 20, 2006
11:40 am
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Thanks for your post, Strong. I think you might be making some assumptions as to how I would behave or have behaved.

I know my role and my place in his life. He is 32, runs his own business successfully, and is pretty adamant about not making a foolish decision here. He's not going to get admonitions about how this happened. I haven't given him any advice. I plan to meet her somewhere for coffee, not come to my house. We had talked about doing this before she moved. My son thought it was a nice idea. We have NEVER tried to manipulate our sons' choices in life (his "choice" of having the woman move in to his home was because he just found out she was pregnant and she was struggling financially).

I plan to offer support to her, especially since it sounds like they both need it. I don't plan to judge or offend her.

He talked alot about her background and upbringing. It's pretty sad. I guess I want to hear from her how she deals with those issues. I want to have a long enough conversation one on one with her to help me understand. I want to trust her, and for them to trust each other. I believe I could be of some help if I had the right words right now, so that is what I'll be praying for.

October 20, 2006
11:54 am
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atalose
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Brynnie,

I certainly can understand all your concerns. There are so many red flags with this girl. How far along is she? This may sound horriable but is she really pregnant? If your son was not to attached to her prior to her announcement of a baby, she certainly figured out how to keep him attached now.
I think remaining open to your sons talks when he open up and encouraging him to remain un-married until at least after this baby is born.
As far as getting to know her better, that can only come in time. Everyone can be whoever they want to be, but who they really are is revealed over time.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 20, 2006
11:59 am
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Update.

I'm postponing asking her to coffee. I called this am to see how he was feeling about things and he was not answering his phone. He just called me and said everything was fine. He'd brought her flowers last night. When she got home home they were able to talk and he was able to tell her some of his feelings.....so it DOES sound like things are OK.

We laughed. I said OK then, I'm buttin' out talk to you later. He said I shouldn't have probably told you all that. I said it's OK sometimes we need to let things out and sometimes it's OK to be scared and to worry (to which he said jokingly nope he never had those feelings). It was all good. Until there is more evidence to the contrary, I have to trust him to know he can handle this.

Joyce Meyer quote -- God doesn't give one any more than he can handle.

October 20, 2006
12:18 pm
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StronginHim77
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Just a suggestion...perhaps a neutral and professional third party, such as a counselor, therapist, minister, etc., would be helpful to them in working out "trust" issues, rather than the future mother-in-law? This neutral third party might also be better prepared to address how she handles the issues of her upbringing and background. I am not sure what you "want to understand," but I don't think she is under any obligation to share her private thoughts, motives or struggles with you. It is your SON with whom she has the relationship. He is the only one who should be entitled to "understand" her inner self.

You express your desire to trust her. That is understandable and commendable. It also indicates that you don't trust her yet. And that is very reasonable. Trust must be established over a period of time. A track record needs to exist and intimate communication must take place, before trust begins. Why not sit back patiently and wait to see what information or personal insights she chooses to share with you, as time passes and genuine rapport is established between you? I know it is hard not to press when your son is involved, but he is a mature man of 32, not a youngster, fresh out of college who needs parental protection.

If I were in your position, I would have to keep myself "in check," lest I interfere or act in a controlling manner. Understandably, they have hooked up under less than ideal circumstances. If I were in your shoes, I would not be very happy about it...in truth, I would be genuinely worried for my son's sake. We always want the best for our children. I am sure that none of us would be at peace, if one of our children were in a situation, similar to this. I am sure that you have alot of questions, many worries and reasonable concerns about this young woman's stability, motives, character, etc. I sure would. But try your best to avoid any course of action which might bring you more heartache down the road.

October 20, 2006
12:32 pm
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Yes, Atalose, all the suspicions are still under our noses. I guess I am grateful for the wake-up call, and hope that in time we can learn and understand more and believe they can have a happy outcome here.

I don't think she's faking this! 🙂

Thanks everyone, really. I plan to print this thread eventually, because this is far from over, and I do not want to have thought it through well.

I think he was embarassed this morning and had to tell me everthing was fine because he DOES feel he can handle it and nobody else can "fix" it. He knows those things. The hard part for him is to recognize and decide how he feels.

Is it so bad to take the plunge and marry if you think you can work things out? I asked if they'd consider counseling, but I think that idea just got shoved to the back burner.

It's not like he's just out of high school. He's always been incredibly responsible. The 2 yr old called him DAda last week. The older one has a relationship of loving and being ignored by her father. Sporadic child support. He knows he's not SUperMan, but he loves these children. His gf has been saying I love you since the beginning. He's been burnt twice badly. He is having trouble committing because it means so much and he is an honest man.

October 20, 2006
12:41 pm
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Thank you again for all the cautions, Strong. I don't think I've expressed the intentions to charge into their life unchecked.

My H and his brother have both had concerns as well for his sake. I like that we have a nice safety net we can use. It's a pretty neat support system.

October 20, 2006
1:31 pm
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smarterone
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I totally understand, cant help being who we are....mothers. Good luck, i really dont think you will be totally at ease until you express something to either your son or the woman. Best your son. Good luck

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