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feeling stronger but...
October 14, 2004
11:06 pm
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art angel
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Today was a pretty good day....I still am thinking about my ex b/f a lot but I know he is not mature enough for me- for God's sake, he's dating a 17 year old girl! (AAAUGGH still makes me want to vomit. I hate her. WHY oh WHY would a 21 year old guy break up with me, an intelligent 22 year old woman, who is fun and pretty and goofy, for a high schooler? GOD I can't stop asking myself that question.) I talked to one of our mutual friends today and she told me to wait, it will never work between those 2 and I should just see what happens. She also said that he was hurt that I told him I didn't want anything to do with him for the rest of my life. Um, I don't think he knows the meaning of HURT. What do you think you did to me, asshole? You have no business talking about being hurt. RRRR anger rising... jeez.

I don't think I will wait and see, because even when he did supposedly love me, he didn't treat me right. He is too immature and I realized we have a lot in common regarding trivial stuff, such as our likes and dislikes in lots of areas and our hobbies, but we aren't on the same level in life. I don't know how to explain what I mean- I guess the way in which we think about life is very different. Our values are different and the things I think are important don't resonate with him, I don't think.
I just can't believe that I still miss him frequently. I actually think that I hate him. I never use the word hate lightly.

I just wish this could all be behind me. I hate thinking of what he's doing, if he is missing me (which I don't think he is), if he misses my homemade cookies, my body, my jokes and my smile. HOW CAN HE NOT? God damn it I don't understand, and it's driving me crazy. Oh well, what do you all think of this rambling? LOL

October 14, 2004
11:17 pm
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CAMER
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hi, rambling is good!!! keep venting...just know that these times are tough, and I too used to try to understand why my bf's used to do things?? why did they cheat on me when I was so nice to them, so caring?? why would a bf dump me for whatever reason.....gosh, I wish i had the answers. But you know something, you are so much better off without him....cuz look what he is doing, being with a younger girl, probably a very naive one too, and getting away with alot and probably abusing her. You are so young, enjoy your life, take your time to heal, hang out with friends, it will not always feel this way. Be sure to be good to you along the way.

hugs from camer

October 14, 2004
11:58 pm
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art angel
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Thanks Camer
Did you ever figure out any of the answers to your questions about things like I"m asking, "why did he dump me," etc etc? Something tells me I will probably never figure it out. But I guess that's the way it is.... thanks for being so supportive, you're the best.
hugs from artangel

October 15, 2004
12:00 am
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balancesekr
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Sounds like he wants someone immature who he can control and do what he pleases with. Someone else will love and appreciate you and your cookies will just be a bonus. Try not to beat yourself up and think that you aren't enough.

You said it yourself, you are not on the same level. Give it some time, keep posting here.

October 15, 2004
12:13 am
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starryslp
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i have realized that our why questions may never be answered. i think we have to accept that.

believe me, i struggle everyday with wanting to know why...i am just now learning to accept, after 6 months of asking..that i will probably never know.

we are here for you artangel

October 15, 2004
9:44 am
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CAMER
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ArtAngel: I did find out why my 1st bf cheated on me....he said I did not treat him right (probably cuz he did not work and did drugs regualy and
emotionally abused me)...so since I was losing interest in him, but too afraid to leave him, yes I may have not treated him all lovey dovey...but look what he did to me??? no stability
in his life, druggie, and treated me like crap........the hardest part was leaving him after he cheated on me, i felt like a failure, but now I look back and its "all on him"....he is the one who had to live with the fact that he was a cheater, a drug addict and abuses woman....I am so glad to be out of the "bad boy" syndrome and now meeting much more stable, kind hearted men.

Good luck to you!!! you can do it!!!

hugs from camer

October 15, 2004
3:13 pm
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art angel
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Hi Camer
Thanks for replying. My ex b/f didn't cheat on me cause I didn't treat him right.... I treated him better than anyone ever had probably. I think he just doesn't love me anymore, which like I've said before, I can't comphrehend. All sorts of reasons run through my mind.... my depression/codependency drove him away, he wants only fun and sex( and I'm not that kind of girl), I make him feel bad about himself since I am so smart/ambitious/caring and look down on drugs, I want a more serious relationship than he does (although he did tell me that he wanted to marry me--- what a psycho), I just DON'T UNDERSTAND. I know I need to just let it go and move on, but I get really really upset and distressed when I can't figure out the why. My mom always said when I was little I'd ask endless questions, and I still do. I don't like to think the reason he broke up with me is cause he doesn't love me anymore. I know it's true, but I can't figure out why he doesn't love me anymore. Oh well- it doesn't matter does it? God I HATE this.

October 15, 2004
3:45 pm
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CAMER
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HI ART; dont drive yourself nuts about wondering about the "why's" cuz even if he told you why, who knows if he would be telling you the truth!! you may never know. I too used to wonder why my many relationships ended, they were filled with love,or so i thought but things fizzled for whatever reason. You can learn from this, and just know that you tried your hardest and it was HE who chose to run away, sounds like he has the communication problems and doesnt know what he wants and "that is on him"....just think about you now, and know that you did your best and your life will go on!! sometimes "thinking" too much can drive you nuts, just feel your feelings then let them go.

Hope this helped a lil'

October 16, 2004
12:21 am
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starryslp
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artangel..how are you doing...these posts are right..i know from my relationship...he will probably just lie to you if he was to ever say why he left...dont waste your time listening to his lies...and does it matter...the fact is, he is gone...

you are too good for him anyway...you are smart, and seem so sweet.

we are here for you.

October 16, 2004
12:26 am
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Anonymous
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What if's, why's etc...They don't mean a damn thing...Ask yourself...What "has" In other words...What has this person done to hurt me.... And remember just what they did. And never forget it.
Just my 2 cents...

October 16, 2004
1:05 am
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art angel
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Thanks guys.... today was hard for me, I think it was because it's a Friday night and when I got home from running errands, none of my roommates were home. I am just lonely and wish I were dating someone.

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