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Feeling sorry for myself, Again!
November 16, 1999
1:33 pm
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Jaskid
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Hi everyone,

I haven't been here in a while.
Well once again I am having a pity party for myself. I am just so tired of the negative winning over the positive in my life. It just seems like it is going to be like this forever. Sometimes I feel like I am wearing this mask and I don't even know who's under it...and when I take it off I see something ugly! So I hurry up and try and cover up this hideous sight infront on me. I wish I was a stronger person.

🙁 Jaskid

November 16, 1999
8:26 pm
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VRJ
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look for the lesson in your pain. It's there. I know you believe that. Let go. Let God.
I haven't been posting much either lately - just listening. Trying to let people take responsibility for themselves and not rescue them and validate their illness.
But, sometimes, when you're down, it's hard to remember that it will go back up. So, maybe all I'm saying here is that I am praying for you and believe in you. The process is important! Bless you Jaskid. Be yourself.

November 17, 1999
11:14 am
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bel
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Hi Jaskid and VRJ,

I have not been posting in a long time, I also just listen and read. Regarding feeling sorry for ourselves I think we all do that from time to time. I know I do, I feel bad have a good cry and then sometimes things seem better. It's important to not dwell on the negative in our life, if we do that then we will never get out of our depression state. I have learned that first hand, I now tend to look around my home, my life and I Thank God for giving me the gift of life, it's true I suffered at the hands of others when I had no choice, but now I have a choice and it's up to me how I will deal with it. I feel stronger these days, I am still having a rough time at home not the same kind of abuse but it is verbal abuse and I am trying to deal with it and find a solution. But I do not want to fall into depression or feel sorry for myself for a prolonged period of time, I need to keep myself motivated and postive on my outlook on life.

Bel

November 17, 1999
12:03 pm
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Jaskid
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Thank you VRJ and bel,

I know I have to believe in myself. God has brought me through so much and I am still standing... I should be thankful not dwelling in self pity. Sometimes I just feel so torn. I want to do what is right but usually always end up doing or saying the wrong thing.
Everyday there's a lesson God is trying to teach me.
I most of the time I don't like them
Jaskid

November 17, 1999
12:37 pm
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site coordinator
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bel,

Can you tell us more about the verbal abuse at home?

- SC

November 17, 1999
1:18 pm
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bel
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SC,

My adult son and grandson are living with me, my son has never moved out, his is 29. He is the one that verbally abuses me, I have asked him to move on many occasions but so far nothing. I don't inforce it because of my grandson, alot going on here and my story is lenthy.....trying hard to deal with it, my health is being affected, the harsh words, tempers and yelling is hard to deal with at times. I am not giving up though...I am hanging in there.

November 17, 1999
5:26 pm
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VRJ
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Hi bel, hang in there

November 18, 1999
10:47 am
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Jaskid
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bel,
You sound like my mother.....who does not know how to say no!... Enough's enough! My newphew has lived with her most of his life, he is now 23 and hardly ever treats her with respect...he has a good job and doesn't even give her any money. She is afraid to say anything to him because he has had many fits of rage. She is afraid he will not love her anymore if she puts down some rules. I really don't think she understands she has enabled him all of his life, what's going to happen when she is not around? He will have to grow up then and unfortunately when it's too late he will realize how good he had it. I love my newphew dearly, he has had a hard life but there comes a time when you have to stop blaming everyone else for all of your problems and start taking responsibility for your own life.
bel, tell your son that you will not tolerate any more abuse. He can have his temper tantrums some where else. He's showing his son that these things are ok.
you sound like a sweet person and if your health is being affected by your son's actions I think it's time for him to leave the nest. Take care of yourself. All of this stress is just too much for you.

Jaskid

December 17, 1999
8:15 am
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hazza
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HI jaskid,
Im so sorry to hear that you have been havinf a tough time. Please hang in there, be kind to yourself you will have the strength to overcome these times.

Bel, please, please, please talk to your son and stop allowing him to bully you. My partner was the same way with both me and his mother. It took us both great courage to stop enabling him to be be destructive in his own life.
I had to tell my partner that enough was enough. I told him he must get a job and pay rent NOW AND HE MUST STOP LOSING HIS TEMPER WITH ME or he must go.
It is so hard to do this to someone you love but all the time i was dealing with his problems for him he didn't have to do a thing. Since then he has started to take responsibility for his own life finally because he knows that neither me or his mothedr are going to pick up the peices this time.
You do not have to fall out with him but you do have to firm about what you want. It is your house.
Time for tough love i think.
Let me know how it goes
Peace
Hazza

December 17, 1999
12:23 pm
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Angelwings
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Bel you have chosen to remain in an abusive relationship reflecting your need to grow. You can blame him ( he is way out of line and should not be staying with you ) but you need to ask yourself "why am i taking this stuff" Is my self esteem this low?
The answer is obviously yes. YOu need to find some purpose and love for yourself and no longer live through your son.
You are enabling him to stay sick by remaining enmeshed with your 29 yr old son.
God bless

December 17, 1999
1:54 pm
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bel
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There are many obstacles in my way regarding my son, one is the fact that if I ask my son to move I am also asking my grandson to move. I am in no way putting all the blame on my son, alot of it is my fault in someway I know. I cannot just toss my son and grandson out into the street, we have enough homeless people out there. I am not asking for pity, I at times feel very stressed and unhappy and if my son chooses to move when he can afford it and is ready I am all for that. I have confronted my son regarding the way he treats me and he has been making an attempt to change his ways. It will be a long process and hopefully things will continue to improve. I did at one point live for my son but now I am living for myself. Thank You Hazza for your concern, I am choosing the route you did and that is talk with my son and go from there.

Bel

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