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Feeling sad and empty
December 16, 2010
12:00 am
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I
hate this time of year.

December 16, 2010
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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((((Ella))))

I work through
this time of year just to avoid all the holiday crap. Just a few
more weeks and it will be finished and we can go back to
non-holiday life.

Sorry to read that
you are sad and empty but I do understand why you feel that
way.

Sending you lots
of hugs, comforting fuzzy blankets and a box of Mexican hot
chocolate to keep you warm during this cold time of the
year.

Have you ever read
the book Wisdom from a Rainforest by Stuart Schlegle?

December 18, 2010
12:00 am
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(((Chelonia)))

No, I have not
read that book.

I'm not working
and I dread going back. I appreciate that I have a salary and job
security, but I hate my job for various reasons. Sometimes it is
okay, but I wish I loved it. I wish I loved SOMETHING.

I do love my dog,
but I feel I haven't been the best owner. She can tell what kind of
mood I am in, and I think it effects her, that she gets depressed
too- because she acts it. If it weren't for her, I don't think I
could hang on. There is no one else to take care of her
now.

December 18, 2010
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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(((((((((Ella))))))))))

I gotta go to work
but wanted to stop in and give you a hug before I left for the day.
I'll be back later to post more.

My pets sustain me
too.

You are a fine
owner. No one is perfect and pets accept that. They have
unconditional love for us, that is why they are such
comforts.

Keep taking it one
moment at a time. You will get through this.

December 18, 2010
12:00 am
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Thanks Chelonia, many hugs to you too.

Trying to keep
busy, today is day 5 at the gym, for 2 plus hours. Then I am
cleaning... on very little energy. The meds I'm on make me so
sleepy. My doctor is taking me off them soon. THank god.

I'm trying to keep
busy, but that's what got m e into trouble the last time so I don't
know what's right.

December 21, 2010
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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Hey
((((((((Ella)))))))))

How are you
doing?

I have been
thinking of you often this week, but have been struggling iwth my
own issues so haven't really known what to say. But today decided
that even if the right words don't come to my brain that I could at
least give you a hug and let you know that I am here for
you.

December 22, 2010
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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Hi
Ella,

Just checking in
to say hi.

I don't know if
you are open to this or not, but I just came upon this video of
positive affirmations. If nothing else, I liked the purple swirly
thing in the background.

Sending you lots
of hugs and friendship

December 23, 2010
12:00 am
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Lanigirl
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Hi
all,

I don't celebrate
Christmas so it's kind of a strange time because everyone is so
excited about it.

Ella,

Hugs to
you.

December 24, 2010
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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(((Ella)))

December 28, 2010
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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(((((((((((((((Ella))))))))))))))))

Thinking of you
and hoping to hear from you soon. I miss you.

December 31, 2010
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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Happy
New Year Ella

January 2, 2011
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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((((Ella))))

How are things
going? Glad that the holidays have finally passed?

January 3, 2011
12:00 am
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Hi
Chelonia, Hi Lanigirl,

The holidays
sucked for me pretty much. Hope yours were better.

My computer died,
and I got a new one that I'm pretty happy with and grateful that I
had the money to buy it even though I'm not working. I had money
saved, but I have no credit b/c I have identity theft from work
losing private info (nice huh?). So I can't get a credit card. I
had to pay cash for my computer. But I have to say, I felt pretty
empowered having saved enough money and being able to solve this
mini tech crisis.

Part of how I was
able to not flip out was because considering the sadness of this
year, death, sickness in my family, etc., it seemed like such small
potatoes. Not that I didn't swear a blue streak when it
happened.

So that was
nothing, but it was a little distraction.

Then I went to
visit my family, my mother is very ill. I was worried about her,
and though I love her very much, she is difficult an it is hard to
be around her. My parents house is like something from the show
Hoarders, so it's pretty freakin depressing.

The best part of
the time home was going to an old friend's house. She cheered me
up, we spent time with her kids and watched movies, etc.. It kind
of made me wish I had some of my own, but still it was the only
time recently that I haven't felt horribly sad.

Last night was
terrible, I couldn't sleep, and when I don't sleep I get obsessed
about my ex who died. The other night I had a nightmare about him.
That is not unusual, but I woke up screaming. When is this going to
end?

I feel very lonely
and depressed. My doctor just keeps fiddling with my meds to no
end. It's not a medical thing. I'm actually lonely and depressed
about that and grieving. Why do they have to pump you full of
chemicals? If that was the answer I'd go downtown and buy myself
some dope- which really works. None of the Rxs I get do anything
but make me tired and prevent me from getting in shape.

I hate my life, I
hate being alone, and I hate my job- which I soon have to return
to. I know I should be glad I have one, but I wish I liked it
better.

Hope everyone has
a better year this year...

I'm gonna watch a
movie, take a nap, and then go to the gym.

lots of hugs,
ella

January 3, 2011
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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Hi
Ella,

Glad you were able
to get a new computer and you had some good times with your friend.
Yeah Ella for having that money saved and ready when you needed it.
Do you see my little celebration dance in your honor of your new
computer 🙂 ?

I just splurged on
getting a new language program to try to learn Portuguese at home
so I can be more marketable for research jobs in Brazil. I should
learn Chinese, but I really don't want to go there. Maybe Thailand
or India, but there are so many different languages there, its
often better to wait for your assignement to figure out which
phrase book to buy and there often aren't computer programs to
learn it. But I have too many pets to really consider going too far
from the US for a few more years.

Sorry to hear
about the other stuff.

I'm in a whirlwind
of emotions tonight and trying to stay positive but this heaviness
in my chest says I need to go cry, but I just can't seem to get
there.

When do you have
to go back to work?

Did you get your
Christmas gift from the Coffeehouse? You may have to look for it
under the one month list because it already dropped off the one
week list.

Sorry the
nightmares and grieving continue. It will lessen with time as you
work through the unfinished business with him.

Sending you lots
of love and caring. Good to see you around.

January 3, 2011
12:00 am
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adventura
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Ella,
my first boyfriend died of a brain blood vessel bursting in his
sleep. It took me years to get over it. No one could take his place
for a very long time. Time does heal though. The Meds, yes, the
wonderful Meds. What can I say, it's a cocktail. They are always
adjusting it and you will always feel like a chemical guinea pig. I
have no further comment on that part. Do what you can to save
yourself from sinking without harming yourself more. The Gym is
good. Walking is good. Good people is good. I don't know you, but
believe me I do know sad and empty very very well. Ad

January 4, 2011
12:00 am
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Chelonia,

Sorry to hear you
are down. Sometimes it's okay to cry when you have that heavy
feeling. I will look out for your posts here... my sadness makes me
so self absorbed and tired... I don't read all the posts like I
used to- but I hope to get better. I know you were having a lot of
trouble with your job, I hope that situation is improving... but it
doesn't sound like it if you are looking for another
job.

I would like
another job too, but I am not up for the change right
now.

Hope to hear from
you again... thanks for always thinking of me when I have a hard
time.

love,
ella

January 4, 2011
12:00 am
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adventura-

I'm sorry about
your boyfriend. That must have been so unexpected. What a
tragedy.

It's weird, I
don't know why the death of my ex is so hard on me. I guess I
missed him to begin with and of course the finality of him actually
being gone- no hopes of hanging out again and ever seeing him- very
difficult. If I weren't still attached to him, I'd never know he
was gone. I wouldn't have been looking for him. That's how I found
him- earlier this year I blocked him from emailing me and lost
contact with him... I always end up missing him and answering his
calls/emails... now I am so sorry I did that.

This is the sort
of thing you can't think about when you are initiating no
contact... I guess I really was never ready even to break up with
this guy. But I have to think of it in terms of having to save my
own life because I needed to get away from the drugs, if not the
person.

I just want it all
to go away.

January 4, 2011
12:00 am
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adventura
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Ella,
I so understand what you wrote. I feel every ounce of your pain so
well. You are so brave Ella, don't give up your fight. The story
you tell of how you found out about your boyfriend dying is so
similar to mine. I had needed to let go for a bit, and then he
reached out again and I was just about ready to try again, and
poof, he was gone. I never got to say goodbye. That's the horrible
part for me. Did your ex die from a drug overdose? Ella, you did
the right thing even though it hurts and you feel terrible about
not being able to see him again and that you never will. Think like
this, you were trying to help yourself and save yourself because
you could not cope with the way things were anymore. He will always
be with you Ella. He is with you in spirit everyday and you did not
betray him at all. Everyday you carry him with you inside your
soul. He has not forgotten you, and you will not forget him or ever
betray him. Physically he is not in our world, but he knows how you
feel and he forgives you for anything you think he may not. Your
boyfriend that is gone from this earth wants you to be happy Ella.
I am praying that today will be brighter for you. If you are sad
today and need to cry then its o.k. Those tears are healing you
little by little. Adventura

January 4, 2011
12:00 am
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adventura-

Yes, he died from
an od of cocaine and heroin.

I still cry every
day. I miss him. I am so sad he was angry with me when he
died.

January 4, 2011
12:00 am
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adventura
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Ella,
For whatever reason he was angry with you on that given day I
promise you he has more than forgiven you. Now it is time for you
to forgive yourself. It's the answer to why you are not happy. You
feel a huge weight on you and you feel guilty for whatever
happened. He is gone from this world, not from your heart. One day
on the other side when your time comes you will meet again and you
will see that no matter what was said or done before that tragic
day, he feels only love for you. If you continue to be sad every
day, you will not be a good friend to him. Think of him watching
being sad all the time. Would he really want that?

January 10, 2011
2:52 pm
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Rhyannon
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January 10, 2011
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I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Even though I love the winter time best of all, I too get very sad this time of year. I try to keep myself busy as well just to get through the time. I hope you are feeling better soon. Hugs!

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