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feeling really down tonight
February 12, 2007
1:08 pm
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mj
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Most importantly Jewel, Accept yourself today where ever you are.

Surrender to the things that you are powerless over, like not having a baby photo until you were 9 months. Some things you can change, like asking questions and hoping that others will help if they can.

I have learned that life isn't fair. Now I deal with it. We are who we are today, and that is enough!

February 12, 2007
1:46 pm
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mj
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Jewel, sorry, the site was not working and I obviously pushed the button far too many times.

February 12, 2007
4:44 pm
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doubledilemma
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jewel, sweetie, you have me crying over you, when I am in my own pain, but these are my suggestions.

The first one, may seem SO trivial, but for God's sake drink water. The only thing affecting your brain now is the crying and the water you are losing. Drink water. Carry a little bottle besides you all the time. If you can't stand the taste, put a wee bit of cordial into it. Or if you have some fresh mint handy, crush some mint leaves for a bit of extra flavour and place some uncrushed leaves inside. A nice clear jug filled with some lemon and or lime slices and mint leaves and ice cubes always looks inviting. Keep some frozen ice cubes with the mint, so you have them handy.

Make sure also that you have lots of water handy for the wedding too. I know the medication I take makes my mouth dry and if you need to take something, the feeling of drinking water can calm you down also.

2) Now, as for the reading, yes those books sound fantastic, but at the moment, you have too much to worry about. You have to practice breathing and relaxation exercises before you can read anything. I have the same problem. The paper bags you should get either from a greengrocer or from the aisle in the supermarket where wrapping, etc is sold. Even ones you buy stuff in are fine, but you will have to experiment with the size so that it covers your mouth when scrunched at the opening and is strong enough to withstand you breathing in and out of it.

Now, for this one, I wish you didn't have to take so much medication hon. I wish you could sometimes must buy the pill without the active ingredient(s), they call this a placebo and take that at times, as I think you sometimes reach for the tablet because you think you need to take something. If you took something that looked exactly like the tablet but did not contain the actual drug, you might be surprised how little you need the drug.

If you find out the name of the hospital where you were born, you contact the medical records department of the hospital. They will ask for some I.D. and may charge a fee. I did this recently, only because I wanted my birth time for an astrology chart (which is not included in Birth Certificates), but I am not going through with this hocus pocus now. Do this now, as it may take a while if they are busy and you can worry about what is in it later.

I actually found out when I was born, that apart from things I knew about, the doctor queried whether I had an abnormality common to newborns (a possible tumour on the jaw or neck that causes the baby to have a lopsided neck known as a torticollis) but I must have grown out of it. You may have been the same with your "cross eyes". If you are worried about your vision, get your doctor to refer you to an ophthalmologist. If you are worried about your brain function, you can see a clinical neuropsychologist, but all in good time, Jewel..

Most desperately, you need mood-stabilising medication or the dosage adjusted. The hospital where you stayed at should have sorted this out or detected it, i.e., done a medication review, but in one week, it would have been difficult to assess how you are. I wish you could go to a nice, modern facility where you could be supervised and they would see how you respond to different meds and does, but I realise this is difficult.

I would also like you to try some camomile tea. It may not be a nice taste, but you can sweeten it with sugar or honey. Or peppermint tea. You can buy both as tea bags. I would like you to learn to drink tea, either hot or cold, instead of reaching for the klonopin. The Camomile tea should be hot at night, though. Or if you like it and need to put on some weight, a warm malted milk drink like Milo, Quik or Horlicks, mixed with full cream milk, before bed, would help too.

I am not sure what depression support groups there are in your state, but you are not strong enough yet, I really don't think Jewel. Your main focus now is getting your mood stabilised better, either before or after the wedding either as an in-patient or out-patient. This is think is responsible for you suffering so much now.

There is a site where you can either buy or download a depression diary but now I have forgotten the name, but it should be stored in my computer somewhere. Do you think you are up to keeping a depression diary going, hon? On this site, they ask questions and then you can write it down online and at the end of a period, you can download a "report" based on the analysis of the data you have put in, to show a doctor or psychiatrist. It could be psychonline, or something like that.

Please remind me and I will try to find the name of the site. It is in the U.S. (as these things usually are).

Am thinking of you and sending you love and hugs

(D_D) xoxoxoxo

February 12, 2007
4:48 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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doubledilemma. I like your advice, and your kind way of expressing yourself

((jewel))

February 12, 2007
10:14 pm
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I dont' have much time here now to post, but thanks a million to those of you who have posted. That means a lot to me. I am just too depressed to post. I called my mom to find out what in fact was wrong with me when I was born, because everything is still not funtioning properly now. She was in a hurry to get off the phone with me. I am so hurt. She never does that to me. She is feeling guilty for drinkiing while pregnant and I am the one who pays the price every single day. SHAME!!!! I have had enough. I am going to go to a plastic surgeon and an eye specilist. I had a eye doc. appt today and he referred me to one. I am getting answers and getting down to the end of this. I can't live my life like this anymore. I just can't do it. I myself could never put a child through this. I feel like a scared child,but today at the doc he said not to be ashamed. I am sure I am not the first person who cant close their eyes all the way. THe muscles aren't working properly either and my face is like frozen and I have areas where their is no feeling. What the fuck is wrong with me? I look beautiful on the outside though. No one looks close enough to notice the flaws. Thanks again everyone.

Jewel

February 13, 2007
11:18 am
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jewel
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Just bumping this up for more advice and support. DD, love your advice. You put so much time into it. I will make everything work out. I hope.

February 13, 2007
7:47 pm
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jewel
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Has anyone else on the board's been born with a birth defect? I just wonder how to overcome it. It causes so much shame. For almost 26 years now.

Jewel

February 13, 2007
9:37 pm
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scyllamessina
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I was born legal blind in one eye, but I don't know if that counts.

February 14, 2007
3:05 pm
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jewel
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Yeah, of course that counts. Was it corrected? I am sorry to hear about that.

I called my mom last night at the same time I normally do and she didn't pick up the phone and she always does. I left her a message and she never called me back. I am so hurt. I am crying so hard right now. My fiance things I might have born with a cleft lip because I have no feeling on my upper lip and right above the lip and below the nose. And the thing most embarrassing of all is that I can't even smile showing all my teeth. My face feels frozen and I can't use certain muscles. I think my mom is feeling guilty and doesn't know what to say. All that I can say is that I have lived my whole life in shame so far and I don't want to anymore. As embarrassing as it is, i may go to a plastic surgeon and get these things corrected. My fiance doesn't even know that I can't fully smile. No one here probably even heard of that. I have to small without showing my lips and sometimes in the middle there is a little gap. Kind of like angelina jolie in some of her photos. I am jealous of everyone that can smile. you don't understand what I have been through. I never told this secret to anyone before, but here it is. Do you still all like me? I am a normal person and my parents should have had the plastic surgeon correct what they didn't fully coorect. I am going to go because I am crying so hard. Feels good to let it out though.

Jewel

February 14, 2007
3:09 pm
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bel
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Hi Jewel, I have a neice who was born with a slight clft lip and has a line going from under her nose to her top lip. It is noticeable but it has never bothered her or any of her family and friends. She is still very beautiful to us as I am sure you are to your boyfriend.

I dont consider that a handicap just a special trait of hers....

Take Care and be happy and love yourself for who you are.....

Bel

February 14, 2007
3:27 pm
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jewel
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I can't even smile. I can with my lips closed so it is a problem. I can't even shut my eyes all the way. This is serious stuff. I know that I am beautiful. I just want to be like everyone else and be able to smile fully on my wedding day. I am still crying. I need help. Should I just call a plastic surgeon and tell them what is going on. I don't know if my insurance will cover any of this but it is affecting my life. I never had any confidence because of this problem. My mom won't even call me back and we normally talk everynight. SHe probably doesn't know what to say. She really screwed up. That is all I am going to say. I tried to kill myself a couple times over this and I think I didn't die because of God. He knew that I am a loving caring person with a birth defect and I am here for a reason. I make a lot of other people smile. Maybe that is my gift. Since I can't smile, I can make others smile. I don't know what to do.

Jewel

February 14, 2007
3:38 pm
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balancesekr
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hi jewel,
I do not have any birth defects but I get really down sometimes regarding my looks and people tell me, you are beautiful.
Maybe this is something a plastic surgeon can fix? I would recommend checking out what your options are.
I was in a car accident and I have a slight bone chip on my nose. I absolutely hate it. My nose was symmetrical before the accident. It is so slight but I notice it in every picture I see of myself at certain angles. In the future maybe I will get something done to fix it, when I am older and just feel like my face needs some help cause I aint no spring chicken no more. But for now, I just try to not think about it so much, and just be myself.
There are so many times I have seen a women who was not "conventially pretty" but seemed beautiful because of their character, how they acted. Know what I mean. So why shouldn't the same thing apply to you!
b

February 14, 2007
3:39 pm
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jewel
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I really need help. I am about to have a nervous breakdown here. IF I wasn't born like this, I don't even think that I would even be that nervous about my wedding. My fiance said that no matter what, he would stick by my side. And he always does. I have him to lean on at least. I just don't know what to do and my mom whom I consider one of my best friends isn't returning my calls. I have only a cell phone and I am out of minutes so I have to wait for her to call me after nine. I have given up calling her. I called her twice and she didnt call back so I will see how long it is before she calls me back. Probably awhile.

Jewel

February 14, 2007
3:41 pm
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on my way
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jewl 2 questions for you:

Why is this so traumatic for you? and,

What is it that you think you should be doing?

February 14, 2007
3:44 pm
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jewel
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I can't even blow out candles or suck on something like a popcicle. There is a problem here and I need help.

February 14, 2007
3:46 pm
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jewel
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ON my way,

How would you feel if you couldn't smile or kiss someone the right way. I can't blow. My lips hardly move. That is very traumatic to me. I think I need to go to a plastic surgeon and just tell them everyhthing. I can't deal with this anymore. IT already screwed my whole life so far. I only have my fiance.

February 14, 2007
3:50 pm
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on my way
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How does this deformity you say you have effect you though. How does it make you feel? Try to list one word at a time,like 'inadequate' 'afraid', etc. I may be wrong, but I see you talking about the 'symptoms' of something that may go deeper, so the feeling you are having are making you act the way you are, which it sounds like you don't like that either. Does this make sense? Then maybe go back and finish those words with:
'anger' at my mother, 'afraid' my fiance will leave me (not that these are your feelings)...don't know if this will help or not, but to me it seems that emotions and fear have you in a tailspin. You don't have to of course, but just a suggestion.

February 14, 2007
3:53 pm
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on my way
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A plastic surgeon might be a good idea if it bothers you that much. Is it a cleft palate deformity? If it is going to make you feel better then I would encourage you to look into it.

February 14, 2007
8:12 pm
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jewel
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On my way,

I would have to say ashamed would be the emotion that I feel most. I am not worried about my fiance leaving me because no matter what the outcome is, he said he would be there for me. Did you read all of what is wrong? Too me, that is a huge big deal. When you first see a person, you see their face. Some people don't look to close, but I see people look at my lips while I talk. One lady at a bank I worked at was deaf and reads lips. How could she read my when I can't even move them hardly. THis is a huge deal in my eyes. Another emotion is undeserving. I never deserved to be born this way and realize this makes me not less of a person, but an actual stronger person. Hell, if I can deal with this, I can deal with just about anything. I freak out about the dentist because they cant even take xrays the normal way because when I open my mouth, my lips cover my teeth. I have no control over this. OTher than all of that, if you saw a pic of me, you would think I was a very pretty girl. I resemble katie holmes a lot. Except she can smile and big. This is the most embarrassing thing that I ever told anyone. All this shame all my life. I wish I could take it away. And my own mother who is very close to me is now ignoring me. What am I supposed to think about that? She doesn't want to fess up. Thats what I think.

Jewel

February 14, 2007
8:21 pm
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hi ladies:

I'm here. Can I give some support also? ((((jewell)))); ((((OMW)))); ((((balancesekr))))

February 14, 2007
8:35 pm
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Jewel;

I was not born w/ a defect but created my own as a baby. This is gonna sound really petty and stupid, but I do know how you feel. When I was a baby I was colicie a lot. The doc gave me valium so my mom could sleep. Anyway, I pulled on my ear like all the time and it eventually created a little nubbie like an elf ear. The kids made fun of it as I was growin up. Not a big thing, but so embarrassing for a child.

My youngest was born w/ looks like webb toes between toe 2 and 3. I have always told hubby if she doesn't like it we will find a way so she didn't feel bad. know what? She could still care less. She is q3 now. I think maybe it is because we talked to her about it all along.

I'm sorry you are feeling so much pain.

February 14, 2007
8:36 pm
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needingtodealwithme
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I really know how all of you feel....My wife and I split up here in the last week (the night before my birthday), and she has decided she doesn't want to work anything out, except be friends. I can't seem to stop my codependent behavior towards her (wanting to spend as much time as possible, thinking her bad moods are me, having feelings of anxiety around her, etc.); I'm making her sick of being around me. I just so want these things to work out, but I know I have to move on. I'm terrified of moving out like she wants, I've never lived alone before. She gets in bad moods, when I try to talk to her or whatever she gets bi**hy. I just can't seem to leave her alone without feeling anxious about what shes doing, thinking,etc. Does anyone have some suggestions on how to get over the anxious feeling and wanting to be around her?

February 14, 2007
8:58 pm
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Mama,

That still embarrassed you and probably made you feel so ashamed. Any pain is pain no matter to what degree. My cousin was born with webbed toes on all of his. When I used to babysit him as a baby, I thought they looked cool and didn't think any different from him. He later got them seperated at I am not sure what age. I just researched fetal alcohol syndrome and I know that is what I have. IT is a lifelong condition. I have most of the symptoms. I didn't end up mentally retarded. That was about the only thing. How can I bring this up to my mother? I was going to mail it to her, but I cant do that 3 months before my wedding. The shower is about 2 months away. They would just be too awkward.

Needing,
I am honestly not sure. I guess grant her her wish. Let it be. I know it is tough, but you will move on. A lot of people on here know much more on codependency. I hardly know what it is? Is it when you are needy and need to depend on someone to feel whole? I don't know. Sorry I couldn't help.

Jewel

February 14, 2007
9:11 pm
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jewel
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Am I going out of my mind or does everyone think this is no big deal. I have to live with this for the rest of my life.

February 14, 2007
9:28 pm
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jewel, honey...you are not going out of your mind. Repeat to yourself until you are blue in the face -

YOU ARE NOT GOING OUT OF YOUR MIND.

This is just obsessiveness as you want the wedding and everything else to be perfect and you will sabotage any peace that you have now to make yourself unhappy and miserable. Why? Because everything else is so painful and can't be worked out, you want to at least look perfect. I understand this honey, but you are perfect.

YOU ARE PERFECT AS YOU ARE, JEWEL.

REPEAT TO YOURSELF HONEY, JEWEL, I AM PERFECT AS I AM. I AM ALREADY PERFECT AND I DON'T NEED IMPROVING ON.

Even, if you weren't hon, this is not a problem to worry about over now.

Please, get your fiance to take some photos of you. Smiling. Smiling like you do naturally. If you are having a wedding photographer, get him to take some "before" shots so you can see which are the best poses, angles, expressions. Makes it easier on the day too if the photographer knows how you like to be captured.

THAT IS JUST YOUR NATURAL SMILE. WE DON'T ALL HAVE TOOTHY SMILES, HON. IT DEPENDS ON OUR TEETH TOO.

I want you to take some magazine pictures of the stars and cut them out and you will see that they still look beautiful, even when they don't have a toothy smile. They won't all have a toothy smile. Then compare yours to the stars and I am sure you will see they are just as beautiful, if not more so.

Perhaps you don't have a toothy smile because you are depressed, too and you have not used those muscles for so long!!

If you are really worried, speak to your dentist. He will tell you if there is something abnormal O.K. I don't know if you are honestly going to have the time or resources now to see a plastic surgeon and this is just added stress you don't need when you should be concentrating on learning to calm and relax yourself!!

PLEASE HONEY, REPEAT TO YOURSELF

I AM JEWEL AND I AM ALREADY PERFECT.

(((D_D)))

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