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feeling really down tonight
February 10, 2007
2:45 am
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jewel
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Talk to everyone tomorrow. I am going to lay down. Good night and thanks for being there for me.

February 10, 2007
1:16 pm
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triciaisok
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jewel

Hope you are ok please respond. It is 1:14pm and hoping to hear from you soon. Today is a new day. Keep the paper bag handy that DD spoke of.

House finally doesn't smell like smoke after the incident last night or early this am.

Please do not take any more pills.
God Bless-triciaisok

February 10, 2007
6:29 pm
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doubledilemma
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jewel, the time is strange here, I am in Australia and have no idea how many hours have elapsed since I wrote my last post. Firstly, NO, you don't need to call a helpline and secondly, yes, you can't stand the pain. Please, tell me about the pain. Please get it out. Swear like I do (I know it is a dreadful habit some Aussies have, and I used to be a religious person who looked down on it, but sometimes you just have to, O.K.?) and say what you have to say to the people you have to say. Say it here, address the people or the issues that are causing you the pain. You keep bottling it in and then you shake the bottle a bit and the cork gets loose and it wants to pop open, but you keep on forcing the damn cork back in, when you should be letting it out. Even if it is not a person, it is just an event or something else, please get it out somehow. Yes, you need to sleep and recharge, but you need to vent to. I am the expert at swearing on here, I am not proud of it and I don't do it in real life (unless I am really stressed and in a mood swing) but it helps.

Please tell us what this pain is about, Jewel.

Now, have you gotten some paper bags? I want you to visualise the paper bag as an extra lung, an extra life force breathing your own carbon dioxide back into and stablising your blood gases or if you prefer, a bit like a flotation device when you were learning to swim. It is yours Jewel, it comes from you, you are helping yourself with your own body. Next time you feel the intense pain, say I will reach for my little device that will help me breathe. Your body actually changes breathing when it gets so anxious like it does for you and me. Then the thoughts start to race. Let's see if we calm the body, whether we can calm the mind afterwards. If you like, though this seems stupid, you can draw a smily face on it, put stickers on them, do anything that will remind you that this will pass and you will be O.K.

I also want you to try something else. See if you can get a large candle when you are alone, a thick tall one, in your favourite or most calming colour with a nice scent. Make sure it has a stand and/or you can place it somewhere in your home where it can burn, but you can look at it, but that it won't be a fire hazard, fall down or catch alight on anything if you leave it unattended. Then I want you to take a ruler and mark little gradations on it on one side and put the total length of the candle at the bottom of the candle.

Next time you are alone, even if it during the day, light the candle, visualise the candle burning your pain away and you healing from that pain (even if you don't believe it will), do the paper bag exercise if you need to, but when you are O.K. and ready, blow out the candle. You will see that by the rate of burning of the candle, that is a measure of your progress..you will notice how fast it has burnt by how quickly it is getting shorter. If it is getting shorter at a slower rate, then you are managing better, Jewel!!!

Try it, it is still a beautiful thing to have in the house, provided you can use it safely!!

D_D

February 10, 2007
9:32 pm
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jewel
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Thanks tricia and dd,

Your responses mean a lot to me. I don't have a paper bag. Where can I get one that is small? I guess I can't use plastic. DD, to be honest with you, I don't even know why I am feeling like I am. Nothing is really wrong in my life. I guess everything from my childhood still haunts me. My mom would get drunk and forget about me. One time, I waited for her to pick me up from work when I was 16. She never showed up so I had to walk home late at night. Not good for a young lady. My dad wouldn't let me sleep over friends houses. I wanted to so bad so that I could get out of the house. I hated my parents when I was in my teens. They wouldn't let me do anything and I wore the same damn clothes every week and I went to school with a bunch of rich kids that drove new cars to school that their mommy and daddy bought for them. I hated school. I always felt like an outcast. I was one of the ones that were picked last in gym class for teams. I never would have a partner when the teacher would say to find a partner. I just felt so indifferent and unloved. I felt that at home and school. I loved going to my grandparents because I knew they wouldnt be drunk. My parents were so unpredictable. They are really nice now, but I am in the process of trying to forgive all the pain they caused me. Maybe this is why I am feeling so depressed and this is part of the process. I was also raped at 18. I was a nice looking girl. There was a bartender at a restaurant that was flirting with me outside the bar. His friends told me to watch out for him. I didn't listen. Next thing you know, I am at a friends house in the bathroom getting raped. How could someone do that to someone so nice and that is the most caring person. I didn't deserve that. I didn't deserve being hit by my dad. I didn't deserve being ignored, I didn't deserve to feel unloved, but I did. And that is some of the things that are bothering me.

Jewel

February 10, 2007
9:32 pm
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jewel
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Thanks tricia and dd,

Your responses mean a lot to me. I don't have a paper bag. Where can I get one that is small? I guess I can't use plastic. DD, to be honest with you, I don't even know why I am feeling like I am. Nothing is really wrong in my life. I guess everything from my childhood still haunts me. My mom would get drunk and forget about me. One time, I waited for her to pick me up from work when I was 16. She never showed up so I had to walk home late at night. Not good for a young lady. My dad wouldn't let me sleep over friends houses. I wanted to so bad so that I could get out of the house. I hated my parents when I was in my teens. They wouldn't let me do anything and I wore the same damn clothes every week and I went to school with a bunch of rich kids that drove new cars to school that their mommy and daddy bought for them. I hated school. I always felt like an outcast. I was one of the ones that were picked last in gym class for teams. I never would have a partner when the teacher would say to find a partner. I just felt so indifferent and unloved. I felt that at home and school. I loved going to my grandparents because I knew they wouldnt be drunk. My parents were so unpredictable. They are really nice now, but I am in the process of trying to forgive all the pain they caused me. Maybe this is why I am feeling so depressed and this is part of the process. I was also raped at 18. I was a nice looking girl. There was a bartender at a restaurant that was flirting with me outside the bar. His friends told me to watch out for him. I didn't listen. Next thing you know, I am at a friends house in the bathroom getting raped. How could someone do that to someone so nice and that is the most caring person. I didn't deserve that. I didn't deserve being hit by my dad. I didn't deserve being ignored, I didn't deserve to feel unloved, but I did. And that is some of the things that are bothering me.

Jewel

February 10, 2007
9:39 pm
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Over My Head
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(((((Jewel))))) I feel so bad for leaving you hanging last night. I had to leave and take my son to his sweetheart dance (he is 13 it was his 1st one). I was away from the computer today too, I have had to run errands.

I read all of these posts and my heart is broken for you that you are suffering so.

Please know that you have people who care...and they don't even know you!

February 10, 2007
10:21 pm
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jewel
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Over my head,

Thanks for caring. I am even worse tonight than I was last night. I keep thinking about the past.

Jewel

February 10, 2007
10:31 pm
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jewel
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I have a life strategies workbook here by dr phil. I was flipping through it and wondering if I should start sorting my life out. Is anyone familiar with that?

Jewel

February 10, 2007
10:38 pm
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jewel
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I guess there is really no one on here tonight. I will try doing something to keep my mind off of things besides hurting myself.

February 10, 2007
10:43 pm
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triciaisok
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Jewel the book sounds like a good place to start.

but more important you are talking about the things that have caused you pain. Yes, you didn't deserve all that. Yes, it takes time but as you let it out like DD said it helps.
sometimes you have to talk about it alot. I had to work through my pain of my childhood also. It does take time and this is a good place to talk about it. Also with your counselor or support group if you have one.

I was raped by my boys father. My youngest son was conceived out of violence. I am so thankful he is gentle. It is like God gave me mercy in the midts of a painful experience by having a kind gentle son though he has his dad's build.
I was sexually frozen for about 3yrs after that and had to work through what is a healthy sexuality for me.

It is like an onion peel when it comes to the pain of letting and releasing what happened in the past. Layer upon layer. It is like a server burn. In order to heal there has to be some pain to get to the layers but hang in there. Enjoy some upbeat music inbetween the sadness. Give yourself permission to grieve but persmission to have some fun too. Glad you are ok . You had me worried.

February 10, 2007
10:49 pm
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jewel
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I am a wreck. I am not able to concentrate on the book tonight, but maybe tomorrow sometime. I just wrote some of the things that were bothering me down. One really disturbing one to me is that there are no pictures of me until I was 9 months. I was born cross eyed and I think someother things. I feel like I can't make expressions with my face like other people can. I know I can't. WHo do I go to for help. I am so embarrassed and ashamed and none of this is my fault. I want to see a baby picture of myself. Am I allowed to request my birth records? After all, it is mine because it is me.

Jewel

February 10, 2007
11:00 pm
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jewel
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Is anyone around that could talk to me for awhile? I am feeling really down and already took 5 klonopin. It does nothing for me. I still feel anxious and worried. Half the time, I don't go to sleep until 3 am as of late. I am in a very deep depression.

February 10, 2007
11:34 pm
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jewel
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anyone out there?

February 10, 2007
11:43 pm
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triciaisok
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jewel

You mentioned you were in recovery. Do you have a sponsor? It is important to talk with a sponsor and begin to work on the steps. There is no other way to heal the pain . The steps are a way to freedom. Otherwise we are just talking and not taking action. Working on the steps. Go to a meeting- Get on line with recovery people there is an on line for that also.

You need to choose we can't do it for you to . We can encourage you.
If you are tired of being sick and tired you will pick up the tools of recovery. We all face depression but have the tools to deal with it in recovery. The founder had deep bouts of depression. Get out of Self-Self pity- despair -resentment are dangerous for addicts. Pick up The big book. Sometimes we need to hear the truth even if it hurts- take some action to get yourself out. Call AA read Big Book get a sponsor. get other names of recovery people/ Good luck and take the courage to change the things you can.
When we are desperate enough we change and get help. Bottom line it doesn't work any other way.

I need to go I am not feeling well a cold is working on me and I need to rest. Take action steps for yourself.
Triciabellie

February 11, 2007
3:12 pm
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jewel
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Tricia,

I am fine without a sponser and all that. I am over the drinking thing. I actually forgot about it for awhile how much I used to drink. I don't really need aa meetings. RIght now, I need support groups for depression to get better and work on my past and or course future. I am trying,but I guess not hard enough. It is after 3 pm and I am only just getting up.

Jewel

February 11, 2007
3:24 pm
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jewel
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A couple posts up, I wrote about some deformities in my face. I think they are in my brain too. My mom drank alcohol while pregnant with me and my bro and sis. I don't have a baby pic, but they started at 9 months. What was wrong with me? After the wedding and shower, I am going to have a serious talk with my mom about this because it is killing me. I told my fiance today and he calmed me down and said I was normal. Maybe I appear to be but I am not. I have been ashamed my whole life and feel like I need an answer. I don't want to kill myself, but there is just so much shame here. And it is not even my fault. I think that is why my mom started drinking because of the guilt. WHy wouldn't my parents at least tell me instead of leaving me in the dark feeling even more alone. Please someone respond. I can't quit crying.

Jewel

February 11, 2007
4:16 pm
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mj
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((((Jewel))))

Read Healing the Shame that binds you by John Bradshaw or Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody. Both these books explain about the way we process our parents messages that cause us to feel so worthless or extremely emotionally.

I am glad that your fiance loves you for the way you are today. Why do you think you are crying this minute?

February 11, 2007
9:24 pm
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scyllamessina
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I just read a really good book written for partners of adult childhood sexual abuse survivors.

What About Me?
Grant Cameron

http://www.amazon.com/Helping-.....38;s=books

I am not sure your situation, but it might help your fiancee understand a little bit about what you are going through.

February 11, 2007
11:08 pm
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jewel
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bump for more support on birth defect(cross eye and more facial expression problems) Anyone know of anything? Can I get my birth records? I am about to have a nervous breakdown.

February 11, 2007
11:13 pm
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mj
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Jewel, have you tried searching online? I can support you and care about you. I don't know anything about about this other than it seems you have worked yourself up over it and seems like you could benefit from focusing on quieting your thoughts and getting centered so that you are not thinking about a break down but a build up of serenity.

February 12, 2007
12:49 pm
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jewel
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Mj,

I don't even know where to start online. I want my birth records. Wouldn't they state that so and so was wrong with me? I am a mess right now and dont think I am going to happy all my life with this weight on my shoulders for so long. That is the reason I turned to alcohol in the first place. It is hard being different. If I didn't have any birth defects, then I don't think I would have ever became an alcoholic. I am just not that kind of girl. Until I had so much on my plate that I didnt know how to handle things. I might ask my mom, but wait until after the wedding and shower. That way, there are no hard feelings. I just don't know why she wouldn't have been straightforward and told me as a child when I was old enough what happened and that I need more work done. I truly think that she was too ashamed. She drank while pregnant by the way. It is more than likely her fault that I am so fucked up and my life is fucked up from this trauma. It is not my fault and I don't deserve this. I am upset. I might make an appointment with a plastic surgeon and try to take care of this on my own. What do you think? I will be so embarrassed but what else can I do?

Jewel

February 12, 2007
1:02 pm
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mj
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Hi jewel, I found this site that talks about cross eyes. I will post it so you can read about this condition.

http://www.strabismus.org/

I am reading "Healing the Shame that Binds you currently". John Bradshaw believes that addictions form because we carry toxic shame from our parents. It might help you understand why you chose to drink to deal with your pain. It makes alot of sense to me. There comes a time for each of us to choose recovery. I use to blame my parents for all my problems. As an Adult, I can choose recovery. I believe children need to be nurtured and cared for. A lot of us didn't get our basic needs met as children, therefore we live in pain daily. We can choose to find healthier ways.

My birth record only contains, my parents names and address of where they were living at the time. Who the dr. was and the time and date of my birth. It also states that I was a single birth. (No Twin). Birth certificates are pretty generic.

February 12, 2007
1:07 pm
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mj
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Most importantly Jewel, Accept yourself today where ever you are.

Surrender to the things that you are powerless over, like not having a baby photo until you were 9 months. Some things you can change, like asking questions and hoping that others will help if they can.

I have learned that life isn't fair. Now I deal with it. We are who we are today, and that is enough!

February 12, 2007
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mj
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Most importantly Jewel, Accept yourself today where ever you are.

Surrender to the things that you are powerless over, like not having a baby photo until you were 9 months. Some things you can change, like asking questions and hoping that others will help if they can.

I have learned that life isn't fair. Now I deal with it. We are who we are today, and that is enough!

February 12, 2007
1:08 pm
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mj
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Most importantly Jewel, Accept yourself today where ever you are.

Surrender to the things that you are powerless over, like not having a baby photo until you were 9 months. Some things you can change, like asking questions and hoping that others will help if they can.

I have learned that life isn't fair. Now I deal with it. We are who we are today, and that is enough!

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