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FEELING OVERWHELMED WITH SO MANY PROBLEMS
January 6, 2005
8:04 pm
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Alegab
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Hi everyone. I feel so overwhelmed with all my problems that I wish I could disappear from the face of this earth. I know that is not the answer because I would leave behind two daughters that I love dearly.

I have been married to my husband for almost 21 years. I met and married him within 8 months of meeting. I didn't really know much about him. We came from totally different backgrounds- I am Catholic he came from a Hassidic Jewish family. They never accepted me. In the beginning i tried in every which way to be accepted but finally i gave up. My husband showed he was incapable of being affectionate, caring, loving and demonstrative of his feelings but, I overlooked everything thinking he would change. I am still waiting.

When we married he really had nothing to offer me. All he had was a beat up car and $10 in the bank, a job with no future. I thought I was in love with him because he was the only guy i went out with who didn't abuse me. He has many good qualities- loyal, no gambling or drinking problems, always home etc.

When I married him i was pretty well established. I owned a two family home with my sister, money in the bank, a car, a good job etc. When we married all he had to do was get rid of all his junk and move in to a fully furnished house. I helped him make the decision that he needed to have a job with a future (he was 33 at the time). I took out a loan from my pension system and put him through school to be an electronic technician. He came through with that, he never missed a class. The only problem was that he was not sure of himself and he took low paying jobs.

Six months into the marriage i suffered a major depression and was hospitalized. The teating psychiatrist made the observation that perhaps it was my disappointment in the marriage and not being able to count on him that got me sick.

Five years went by and we decided to have a child. I worked from the age of 15 and I wanted to stay home with my new baby. I did but we could hardly make ends meet. Thank God that I was very good in managing money and i was able to keep us afloat. Three years later we had another child and our financial situation got worst. I wanted to be there for my second child also. I stayed home until she went into kindergarten. Then I decided that I couldn't live in financial crisis anymore. I went back to work and was making more money than him.

After 18 years of living with my sister in the city, we decided that it would be best to go our separate ways and us think of the future of our kids and move to the suburbs. He was reluctant to do it because of the financial burden. I encouraged him and we made the move. I use to get up at 5 in the morning to commute to the city but after three years of doing this the traveling plus the stress of the job took its toll on me. I got sick again and wound up in the hospital a few times. I have not gone back since because I cannot seem to get out of my depression, post traumatic stress disorder and anxiety. I am receiving disability.

My children are now 16 and 13. My husband and I are on totally different pages as far as raising the children. He is the "good one" i am the "devil" for trying to give them direction and boundaries.

We started going to family counselling and the therapist noticed that there were many issues not only in the marriage but in the rearing of the children. She suggested that he and I do couples therapy. It would be ok during the session but once we got home he would forget everything that was suggested. My frustration and resentments never left me, they keep getting worst and worst. This past monday was our last session with the therapist because he refuses to go back. He says that it does nothing for him and its a waste. The therapist asked him can't you even consider to make things better for your children? He said no.

I am now looking into therapy for me and the girls to make things better for our relationship. My individual therapist said it is going to be kind of difficult to change things if he is not on the same page with me. We must keep a united front in order for things to work. The kids are going to be confused. I am willing to give it all i got.

Just before the holidays I accidently found out that we were in debt, the money in the bank was almost depleted and he had two huge charge card bills (something he never told me about). My mother had given me $7,000 last year and my sister advised me to put it away for a rainy day and not let him know about it. I felt committed to tell him. Guess what? Its all gone.

I started to make figures and realized that we were in deficit of 700 a month and couldn't make ends meet. He never questioned anything he just kept taking money from the bank to "live". We are now in debt for $32,000 plus the mortgage. I am devestated that all my sacrifices have gone down the drain and he really makes no effort to look for another job or even a second job. Once he comes home he has to relax and watch TV till late at night.

My girls have become very defiant and rebellious with me. They think their father is cool. They don't know all these issues.

My love for him left a long time ago. Its at least 6 years that i really feel nothing for him but I stay in a loveless marriage with no support and no "financial security." I am always afraid we'll wind up in the street.

Nine months ago I met someone on line and I began an affair. He is married and pretty happy in his marriage. They are financially well off, get along pretty well, have same interests, travel extensively etc. etc. He says the only thing missing is the closeness, intimacy and sex. I am a very caring, giving, lovable person. I give to him 100% in exchange for the minimal from him.

I know the reality of the situation and he has told me very clearly he would never leave his wife (in that he has always been honest). In these nine months i have become very attached and have caring feelings towards him (i sometimes think i might be in love with him). He is very demonstrative of affection and he says he cares for me very much. He is a psychologist and is very supportive right now while I am going through this crisis.

I feel so burdened and overwhelmed with all that is happening at home. I have been in therapy most of my life because of childhood trauma and abuse. I take alot of medication for my depression, PTSD and my anxiety. I am very NEEDY of love and affection. My husband is not capable of giving it and this person gives me "the left overs." He gets it all from me but he gives very little in return.

Today I saw my therapist and we discussed alot of the issues, she said to try to be good to myself and take care of my needs. She is not encouraging me to continue this affair but she said maybe right now is not the time to let go. She doesn't want me to loose sight of the reality of the affair. I journal every night about what is going on in my life and I know i am deserving of good things. I know i am worthy, valuable and loving. I would like to share with someone who feels the same way and is able to provide these needs. This person is not available (i have known this all along). I just CANNOT LET GO RIGHT NOW. Today when i spoke to him i told him i need a vacation so desparately, i said how about if you and me go away together (i only said it to see his reaction). He said yeah right. He said are you fantasizing or wishing. I said I am wishing. He went away for the x-mas holidays to the carib and is going to Paris in February. I feel awful thinking of that. I am so so happy when i am with him but once i have to go and he goes back to his "life" i cry and suffer.

I am sorry i am giving you guys such an earful. I feel so lonely and abandoned. Almost every night I cry myself to sleep.

I would appreciate your guidance and support.
I have posted many other threads about this relationship and other issues and you can't imagine how helpful your insights have been.

Thank you.

Love,
Alegab

January 6, 2005
8:38 pm
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brendalee
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Wow Alegab....you have got lots on your shoulders! I really feel for you and all this stuff that is happening to you right now. I really don't have any magic words of wisdom here - wish I did. At least you are going to counseling...that's good. Do you have any close friends or relatives nearby that can help support you? They can be a real life-saver! My only suggestion to you right now would be to try as hard as you can to kind of get yourself in a logical, practical frame of mind -(I know it's hard).... at least for a little while and try to devise a plan of action: Plan A, Plan B, etc. so that you don't feel so overwhelmed. So you made some mistakes in the past - God...who DOESN'T? Please know that all is not lost sweetie. You WILL get through this!!!!! and there are lots of kind and sensitive folks out here that will help you the best we can during this hard and painful transition. ((((hugs)))) to you Alegab. Please keep posting.
With love,
Brenda

January 6, 2005
9:01 pm
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marley
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WOW! you certainly have a lot to deal with. I have an idea of what it is like with the debt and the kids - from the kid point of view. You sound a lot like my mother and how she was with money. Your girls will eventually appreciate what you are trying to do for them . . . I know it has taken me almost 15 years to truly value how my mother always shorted us little things we never really missed so that when I bought a house she could help me out. I love my mother more than anything even though we didn't always get along and there was a lot of resentment between us for a while, so I hope that you stick with your therapy and working on things with your daughters! The mother daughter relationship is sincerly one of the most rewarding relationships in my life and I can only hope that when I have a daughter she has half the love and admiration that I have for my mother (even though she drives me crazy sometimes!!!)

January 7, 2005
3:28 am
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opal
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Alegab,

I responded to one of your other threads concerning your eldest daughter, and I'm sorry if I seemed harsh in what I wrote about the affair you are having, I can now see how much you do need to feel you are loved.

((((hugs))))

counselling for you and your daughters is a fantastic idea, still continue to go even if your husband never comes with you, it is obvious you are trying to make things better, you sound like a very good mum.

have you talked to your husband?, I think it is important that you are able to find happiness, if the love has gone from your marriage, and your husband will not consider counselling, you need time away from your husband to focus on what is best for you and your girls.

the first thing financially I urge you to do is end any joint accounts, credit cards etc that you have with your husband, if he gets into debt, let it be his debt, not yours.

I wish I could offer you more advice, but I can't, it is now up to you to think about what you really want to do, to find the happineess you seek, I would tell you to leave your husband if he is not willing to try and work things out, but I know you are concered for your girls who see your husband as having no faults, I can understand what a difficult position you are in.

wishing you better times,

opal

January 7, 2005
8:33 am
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Alegab
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Thank you for your kind words and support. Last night my husband got home in a bad mood and was yelling at me for no reason (he doesn't do that too often, thank God). I felt so bad but i let it go.

As I mentioned in my other post about my oldest daughter (16). I found out that she has been drinking and smoking. I am pretty liberal in her going out but I realize that I MUST know who and where she is all the time. She doesn't really bring her friends around even though i encourage that. I want to know who her friends are. I tell her, bring them over, have a get together and enjoy having munchies and soda, listen to music or watch a movie. This week I started asking that if she goes somewhere she needs to call me and let me know where she is and with who and also if there is an adult present. She had a fit!!!! She said "who told you something?" I said no one but I feel that perhaps I have not been doing what I should have been doing a long time ago. She feels that if at 11:30 at night she wants to go to her friend who lives two blocks away she can just pick up and go. We live in the suburbs and there are no people around at night. She also MIGHT decide to walk back home at 1 am (her friend walks her half way)!!!!! Not safe for neither one of them. She thinks that I am being unreasonable. She also doesn't have a curfue because her father gives her different messages. One day he'll say you have to be home at 12 another night he'll let her stay out till two. Many a times she has already planned to stay and sleep over some friend's house and she'll just call at 1 am and say i'm staying over, not ASK. She is a very bright girl and does very well in school but that has nothing to do with her safety. My husband and I constantly argue about this issue. Last week she wanted to go to the city to "audition" for Warner Brothers. The night before she had cursed at me with the most "very choice" words (something she does often) and defied me when I said no to her walking to her friend at 11:30. I warned her that she was risking not going into the city. She didn't care. That is the reason I didn't take her to the city or have her take the bus with her friend. She was going to meet this other girl's 19 year old male cousin (who i don't know) for "protection". Opel--that's what i think you misunderstood. My 13 year old daughter is picking up on her bad habits. She is her LAWYER!!!

I woke up this morning so upset. I don't have family nearby who can support me. I have an older sister who lives in Arizona and we speak on the phone often. I am relying on this other man for support but I don't feel "very" comfortable telling him all my business. He never speaks about his personal life other than his trips, his football games, a little about work but that's about it. For some reason this morning I woke up feeling very resentful towards him. I don't feel like talking to him today. I am suppose to see him on Sunday and right now I don't feel like even doing that. I want to be alone. I am thinking that when the loan comes through to take a little money and go somewhere ALONE, to clear my head. The only problem is that when I get back I have to face my issues again. We haven't been on vacation in three years and because of our financial situation hardly ever go out.

The kids are fighting me on the topic of going to therapy. The few times that they went as a family they didn't want to hear what the therapist had to say (especially about the curfue thing). Neither one wants to go back to her. I said ok, i'll try to find someone else we can work with. They still don't like the idea. I told them its for our benefit to make things better and get along better. I didn't tell them that my husband "refuses" to go. I just said "dad is taking a break right now from therapy."

I am sorry I am going on and on but i need to talk and i cannot see my therapist every day of course, I need support.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE FOR ME AND I AM HERE FOR YOU IF I CAN BE OF HELP.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

((((((hugs))))))))))
Alegab

January 7, 2005
9:16 am
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mamacinnamon
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Alegab,

Gosh honey, you do have your plate full. I'm so sorry you are dealing w/ so much.

As for changing therapists....the girls aren't gonna like any therapist that tells them the truth. If you like this therapist then stick w/ her. What does the therapist tell you about standing up to the girls? I can see you are definitely making some progress w/ trying. Plant your feet firm and DO NOT loose your balance. YOU are gonna have to be the responsible one for the girls coz you hubby is just making things harder on you. He needs thrown in the dumpster. But, I know that's just not an option. Sorry.

You are making progress it looks like. The journey will get harder before it gets easier so you will have to be able to stand stronger. The girls may hate you now, but someday they will be glad they were not strapped w/ a baby at 16 or a drug addict at 17. Time will tell.

I do see progress w/ you. Good for you. Keep up the good work.

January 7, 2005
10:22 am
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MY HEART REALY GOES OUT TO YOU. I'M A MOTHER OF THREE, TWO ARE GROWN,ONE 15 STILL WITH ME.YOUR LIFE SOUNDS SO MUCH LIKE MINE "DID"WHEN ALL THREE WERE LITTLE.I GOT MY SELF INTO CODA MEETING'S AND STYED WITH IT,IT'S BEEN 9 YEAR'S FOR ME IN THIS GROUP. THANK GOD OR I WOULD BE LOCKED UP IN THE WACKY WARD. I THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY FOR THINKING AND FEELING WHAT I WAS, LOST, LONELY,CRAVING LOVE.AFTER JOINING THE GROUP, READING MANY BOOK'S (COULD HAVE FOLLOWED ME AROUND ALL MY LIFE TO WRITE THEM)I RELIZEDI'M NOT CRAZY, THESE PEOPLE WE ATTRACT ARE LOOKING FOR US AS WE ARE THEM.YOU CAN SURVIVE!!!! IF YOUR HUSBAND DOES'NT WANT TO CONTINUE COUNCLING WITH YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER'S, LEAVE HIM AT HOME AND GO!! KEEP GOING WITH YOUR GIRL'S, IF THEY ARE'NT SHOWN THIS IS NOT THE WAY A RELATIONSHIP IS SUPPOSED TO BE, THEY "WILL" END UP IN THE SAME TRAP AS YOU.THEY WILL THINK THIS "IS" THE WAY RELATIONSHIP'S ARE IN LIFE.BE STRONG, HAVE FAITH IN GOD. I WALKED AWAY FOUR YEAR'S AGO. IT WAS HARD IN THE BEGINNING, I NOW HAVE MY OWN CLAENING SERVICE, STAND ON MY OWN TWO FEET. IF I CAN DO IT, SO CAN YOU WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM YOUR FRIEND'S,US, HERE, WHO HAVE WALKED AND ARE STILL WALKING IN YOUR SHOE'S. SUSAN

January 7, 2005
1:42 pm
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kathygy
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Susie, please write in lower case. It is hard to read all caps and is considered yelling.

Alegab, Why stay in a loveless marriage that you are not getting anything out of? Not only that but its making it harder for you to parent your children, if not impossible with your husband going along with everything the children want. You can't win. Give yourself a fresh start to find happiness with a new man who is available to you.

January 7, 2005
7:51 pm
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Alegab
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Hi everyone- Today has been one of the worst days i've dealt with in a long time. I could not wake up from sleep. It was 11 am and I was sound asleep. What woke me was "HE" calling me. He was kind of in a down mood also. We comforted each other. It made me feel a tiny bit better. When i am overwhelmed i go down quickly and I sleep alot (that is part of depression). My daughter's school returned the called I placed to the guidance counselor. I didn't comprehend a word the counselor was saying. I was totally out of it. I left a message for her to call me on monday.

I was avoiding calling the creditors for a letter they are requesting to give us the loan. I felt such tremendous resentment towards my husband for having to do this when he is the one who created this mess.

I went out to walk the dog with tears streaming down my face. I don't know what to feel anymore.

I decided to go for a long walk (about four mile walk for an hour). On my way back I almost got hit by a car crossing a large intersection. The guy didn't see me in the crosswalk as he was making a left turn (the light was green for me). If it wasn't for the other cars honking he would have hit me. My concentration span is so limited. I pray to God that I don't wind up in the hospital over this. My medications were just adjusted last week. I am going to see my psychiatrist in a month but I guess if i keep going downhill I can always reach him.

"HE" for the identification of HE i'll say the letter J. jajajajajaja
J called me twice during the day and then called me one last time before leaving work to make sure i was ok. It made me feel so good.

I am sorry guys for going on and on. I feel so lonely. Please keep me in your prayers so that i don't act on my "crazy thoughts" of doing away with myself. I pray to God all the time. That would be such a selfish thing to do to my children. I definitely would hurt and abandon them for life. There is no return.

Love you all
(((((((hugs)))))))))))
Alegab

January 7, 2005
8:54 pm
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marley
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Alegab-

I hope you are feeling better and that you won't act on your "crazy thoughts"! If you can focus on the things that are good in your life and only think about those you may feel a bit better.

I read this book the Power of Now and it was incredibly helpful to me. Once we realize that in each moment there is no problem with our lives then you can begin to carry that with you into every moment.

I hope this helps!

January 7, 2005
9:17 pm
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SUSIE BABY
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i'm so sorry.

January 8, 2005
10:53 am
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Alegab
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Hi- Its really a nasty day here in the northeast. I feel like sleeping all day, feel tremendously tired. Last night I went out to Kohl's and spend $39 on a few items (great sales after X-mas). In a way i felt guilty but on the other hand I felt good. My husband did $32,000 worth of damage.

Tomorrow I am suppose to see "J". I asked him how long he has to be out. He said probably about two hours. He said "don't worry I'll make more time for us to be together." Although he has been very comforting to me while I am going through this difficult time, I am not satisfied with these handouts of time. Yesterday he was especially sweet and its like a "momentary" fix.

I don't know if its my insecurities or I should be listening to my inner self more closely. He has not been on line since before X-mas. I have sent him messages and jokes etc. He has not looked at it. I have a suspision that he has added another screen name or has me blocked. Yesterday I unsent everything I have sent him. What for? I don't know what to think anymore. I feel suspiscious about everything. I say "maybe he is looking for someone else as a back up in case i leave him", maybe he is just not interested in what i have to say (although he calls me every day). I am just so unsure of myself.

When I first met him and he sent me his picture I noticed that on the bottom of the picture it had another screen name. I put that screen name on my buddy list. I was observing. I noticed that when he wasn't on line with me on the regular screen name that i knew about, he was on the other one. I approached him on the screen name that I was suspiscious of. I aproached him with another name I made up for myself. He didn't come on to me right away, but after a few conversations he was kind of "getting there." I finally couldn't take it anymore so I confronted him on it. At first he denied who he was but as i kept insulting him he finally admitted it was him. He apologized and said he should have told me about that other screen name. He said he used that other screen name to talk to personal friends and do research on. Now he doesn't show up on neither screen name. That is what makes me suspect that he either is blocking me, is truely not on line or he has another screen name I don't know about.

I am so ambivilant about going to see him tomorrow. I wish I had the strength that even though he has been there for me through phone calls, I really don't need the handouts he gives me. Maybe its just for his benefit to get to see me and have his needs met.

Before this crisis with my financial situation, my children etc. I was VERY clear on what this relationship is all about. I still do, I just put it in the back burner for now.

I feel mentally weak. I feel like i am working on overload.

I wish I had the guts to say to him (if he calls me before tomorrow's date) lets just forget it and see each other "when you can make more time for me." Or not show up at all.

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I have been trying to help others on different threads with things i am familiar with- sexual abuse, love addiction, abusive relationships. Hey, one hand washes the other. If i can be of help it makes me feel good and at the same time it helps me.

Please keep posting.

Have a nice day!!!!

((((((((hugs to all)))))))
Alegab

January 9, 2005
2:23 pm
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Alegab
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Hi Everyone: I posted some other stuff on: "Anyone here to talk? I need some relief from my anxiety".
Thank you for those of you who responded.

I just came back from a long walk to clear my mind. While walking I spoke to my sister on the cell phone (she lives in Arizona). I told her what is going on (except the thing about the affair, she would not be accepting of that). She says I am in an almost impossible situation with the girls and my husband. She invited me to go visit her and maybe getting away will release some of the tension. I don't know if I really want to go there, all we'd be doing is talking about my problems and her problems. I need distraction from all that is going on.

As I mentioned in my other thread, I am going to see J even though I don't really want to. Just to please him and ignore my "true feelings". This morning he called me to confirm our time. He said "i can only stay on one minute, its ok with me with the time we set, is it ok with you?" I said yes it is. Why couldn't i have said "to tell you the truth I don't really want to see you." I am so NEEDY of his affection, him comforting me when I cry (its usually every time)him promising me that "next time we will have more time together" etc. The most we have ever been together is maybe 5 hours.

I guess right now i am concentrating on HIM because I can't handle what is going on at home. I am at a point that I can't even look at my husband. My kids are constantly picking on me. They push all the right buttons. Yesterday I asked my older daughter for her opinion on some paintings I wanted to hang up. As soon as she saw them she said "yuckkkk you have no taste, this is not art." I said i just wanted your opinion and for you to help me place them so that they are even. She went on to say this house is discusting, my friends have such nice houses. Its not true that our house is discusting, actually its very nice. I was so upset.

I approached her and said, "you really worry me with your behavior." You are always angry why? I told her i suffer from mental illness and i don't deny it but it scares me to think that mabye you are going to turn out just like me. You need help. That's why i keep insisting that we go to therapy-- to help our relationship and to address some of your issues. She started yelling at me and saying that "she would never be like me." Maybe I shouldn't have said that. I just feel so frustrated. Don't know anymore what is right and what is wrong.
I know alot has to do with her age (16) but that doesn't mean that she should disrespect me. My 13 year is just as impossible. If I am not on the computer or doing things around the house I go to my room and isolate myself so i don't argue with them. That is not healthy.

I am sorry for going on and on about these issues. As I write I try to really pay attention to what I am saying in the hope of finding an answer. This is not an easy thing. SIGH.

Thank you all for your support and encouragement.

Love ((((((((hugs)))))))))
Alegab

January 9, 2005
2:46 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Hi,

Well, first off.....remember, she's a teenager. They are impossible most of the time. Even tho she yelled at you, I would almost guarantee she heard every word you said. Don't know what she'll do w/ those words, but we never have had guarantees like that.

You might consider going to your sister's for a little while. I'm sure you could tell her you don't want to talk about ya'lls problems, but ya know maybe she would be more understanding than you think she would.

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