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Feeling moments of weakness
February 20, 2007
8:22 am
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soprano2
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I need some hugs from my friends. Usually I feel really strong about stuff, but today I feel like I am about to jump out of my skin!

I know that my friends know what is going on. I think I just realized that in one week someone is going to be playing with my insides, and I realized that I am very scared. What happens if things don't go well? I know that my husband is not capable of taking care of my kids. I am really starting to freak out.

And then, to top off all of this anxiety, my husband called yesterday and told me that he is coming home today. He is not bringing any money with him. He also doesn't know how long he is going to stay. Hello!!!! I am not a hotel that he can come and stay in whenever he wants to. I DON'T WANT HIM THERE EITHER!!!!! I can't stand thinking about going back to the way things were. It will absolutely defeat me and all of the changes that I have made and am making.

I don't know what to do. I feel like bawling my eyes out. I feel like going into a cocoon and not coming out for ages!!! I am extremely discouraged, and I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to except for you guys. Can you help me out???? Please????

Someone out there I know has some encouraging words for me. I really need them this morning!!!

All my love for you guys!!

s2

February 20, 2007
8:33 am
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scyllamessina
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I don't know what is going on with your husband. However, it sounds like the healthiest thing for you right now would be to set up some boundaries. If you can't handle him, you can't handle him.

February 20, 2007
8:50 am
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mj
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(((((Soprano))))))

((((Soprano))))))

((((Soprano)))))

I hear your discouragement and acknowledge your fear, frusturation, and confusion.

Let's take it one at a time. Scream, cry, feel your emotions but please don't upset yourself. I am not exactly sure what your heart condition is, just that you will be having heart surgery on the 24th which is coming very quickly. Fear is a very normal emotion. I mean, it's your Heart! I remember my first surgery, I had a dermoid cyst that had tooth, bone, could be cancerous, had to come out immediately. I had four children, and I knew I had to be ok. I called my family and said my goodbyes, just in case. It was a really emotionally time just before surgery. I was so upset when the surgery was delayed 4 hours that I was in process of getting dressed and leaving when they gave me a shot to calm me down.

I can say, that I got through it and my fears were definitely false evidence appearing real. Fear!

(((((Soprano)))))))

February 20, 2007
9:00 am
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mj
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Can you call your husband back and tell him that this isn't in your best interests at this time for him to come back? You are worthy of taking care of yourself! Do you think that he really does care about you and wants to geniunely be there for you cause he is worried too?

February 20, 2007
9:02 am
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mj
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Ok, Encouraging Words!

You are Valuable, Special, Important, Worthy, Loveable, and Going to Recovery Quickly and Be Healthy!

February 20, 2007
9:26 am
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soprano2
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He is already on a plane coming back. He said that he had stuff to do. He would not tell me what that was.

I don't know if he is worried or not. I know that he does not like my family, which is going to be very difficult. And he does not like my friends either, so there is going to be major tension between everyone, which is exactly what I do not need.

I just feel so completely helpless in this situation. I don't want to have a pity party for myself. I want to be strong. But I am finding it hard to do.

Thanks for your encouraging words.
s2

February 20, 2007
9:30 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Soprano,

What kind of surgery are you having?

Also, regarding your husband. Just because he is on a plane coming back does not mean that you MUST put him up. If he is not going to be supportive, worse yet, if he is going to make matters worse then he needs to find another place to stay.

Z.

February 20, 2007
9:37 am
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mj
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Helplessness is a learned reaction. You are very strong. You do have power to take care of yourself. You do have choices. Your husband isn't in charge of you, you are. This is your life, your surgery, and your family and friends who you have arranged to help you through this. Maybe it is time your husband is responsible for his choices to come back when he isn't wanted or needed. I am so sorry that you have this added stress. Say a prayer, the serenity prayer is a good one to help you get perspective and find the balance and courage you need. ((((Soprano))))

February 20, 2007
10:11 am
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bluegirl
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good advice mj

February 20, 2007
10:17 am
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soprano2
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Thanks MJ--it seems like you always know what to say. Divine intervention maybe????

Zinnie--I am having heart surgery on Feb 26 to repair a hole in my heart that I have had since birth. I had a mini-stroke a few months ago because of it--that's how they found it.

I don't know which is better. To tell him that he can't stay at the house and deal with the guilt trip that he is going to try and lay on me because of it, or if I should just let him stay. Either way, it is going to be added stress. Either way it is dealing with him.

February 20, 2007
10:30 am
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nappy
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Sporano2, may you have a bless day and may your fears go away so that you can find peace before you have surgery.

Surgery can be scary but you need to have faith in god that he will pull you though. Right now you don't have time to think about your husband and how he is going to respond if you tell him whether or not he can stay with you. This is about you right now. You need to start thinking about you and start getting yourself prepare for the surgery and afterward.

Did he ask you if he can stay or did he tell you that he was staying. If he is telling you that he is staying, then you need to tell him he needs to find somewhere else to go. What is the deal about not bringing any money?
He better have some, if he is going to stay with anyone. He just can't come back and start staying just because he said so.

Regardless if he don't like your friends and family, that is his problems. These are the peoples that are going to try and get you back on your feet. Not break you down even more especially after having surgery.

If you feel that he is going to do you no good, then you need to let that part of him go and you need to get yourself together. Whether he try and bring on the guilt is his problems. And like you said either way you will have to deal with him but I would deal with him in a way that will suit you not him or anybody else. This is your life, your heart, your body, your soul and your spirit.
There is only one of you and god made YOU to take care of yourself.

Everything will be alright and I will pray for you. Let us on this site be your guardian angels.

Love
Nappy!

February 20, 2007
11:32 am
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mj
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I believe in a Higher Power so I am hoping that he sends you the healing you need to know that you don't have to accept unacceptable behavior from anyone. You need lots of love, nurturing, and kindness sent your way.

February 20, 2007
12:17 pm
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Rasputin
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(((S2))) Prayers and good thoughts are going up for you!!!

February 20, 2007
12:28 pm
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Zinnie
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Soprano,

So... stick a note on the door and say "I am having surgery. I do NOT need the added stress of you staying here right now, which is what would happen."

If he is not living there currently and this is your home? You call the shots.

You are having heart surgery, you do NOT need this.

Stand up for what you need, and avoid the stress by not having the confrontation, which is certainly not needed in your case right now.

If he persists, call the cops.

Z.

February 20, 2007
12:59 pm
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soprano2
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Now to top it all off, my daughter is sick, and I have to leave school and get her. Plus, she can't go back tomorrow.

I guess that today is one of those days when it rains, it pours.

🙁

February 20, 2007
1:25 pm
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armyleo
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(((Soprano2))),

I know how hard it is to really say what you want to say to him...

I'll be thinking of you...Please try not to stress too much..

February 20, 2007
1:53 pm
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Zinnie
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I am sorry S2 that you are going through all of this.

Praying for and sending you strength.

Z.

February 20, 2007
9:32 pm
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soprano2
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Thanks guys. I am glad that I got a loan from the Girl Zone today.

My day has not gotten much better. I fell on the ice this evening, and now I hurt all over.

But I know that everything is going to be okay. I am sure of that because I am going to make it okay.

Thanks again.

s2

February 22, 2007
4:20 pm
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mj
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Hi Soprano,

I am sorry I missed this. Here's another Hug and thoughts of you and your soon arriving surgery. Just 4 more days. If you need to talk about all that you are going through, I am here for you. So your hubby made it home and you told him you didn't want him at the hospital. You have a right to take care of yourself and help your recovery rate with friends and family.

Are you ok from your fall on the ice?

February 22, 2007
9:24 pm
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Oh Soprano2

Are you still waiting for a real tenor in your life and not a tenant?

There is a part of me that wants to thank you for reminding me of that.

When I feel really weak ... it simply tells me that its something I have to pay attention to ... and if I don't learn it now I will face it again and learn it later on'

Don't let yourself down ... learn the lesson now. Suffering is option ... pain isn't.

February 23, 2007
8:25 am
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soprano2
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Thanks for your encouragement mj and littlespirit.

It is now Friday. He is still at my house. I was going to tell him what was going on for next week last night, but he was drunk. And he is very difficult to talk to when he is drunk.

So I think that I am going to tell him what I am going to do this evening before I leave for Chicago. I was hoping that he was leaving today like he said he was going to. Now it looks like he's going to be here for another week.

I am okay from my fall. Some bruises and a sore neck, but I will get over it.

I know that everything is going to be okay. It is just hard getting to that okay part sometimes.

Wish me strength and keep me in your prayers as I travel this weekend.

s2

February 23, 2007
2:30 pm
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nappy
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I was reading your thread, and you started out by saying that you didn't want him there at the house, BUT he is there anyway.

You can't talk to him because he is drunk.

My question is why did you let him back into the house when you didn't want him there? What purpose is he doing there?

I just needed to ask because you are talking about heart surgery and to me that is not a joke.

The worse thing about being codependent is that we already knows what is good for us but somewhere in there we still seem to let the bad come in and then want to know why things are the way they are.

I just hope that you get the strength after you have surgery to take care of yourself and if you have kids to take care of them. Surgery is what it is surgery and the only person that can heal themselves, is themselves. You don't need to added stress and your husband does not look like he is going anywhere soon.

You should of put a note of the door and told him to keep out.

your only problems is to get heal, and you want get heal as long as you have him around. Good Luck!

February 23, 2007
2:57 pm
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truthBtold
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Soprano2,

I kind of agree with nappy's thoughts - but didn't want to post because I later learned that you let him in.

What struck me was you post of 2/20 when you said that you "didn't know what was better - to tell him that he can't stay and deal with the guilt trip that he was going to lay on you....or let him stay."

You obviously chose to let him say.

I wish that I have read your post earlier.....for I would have added that - yes....EXPECT the guilt trip...doesn't mean that you have to buy into it.....you know?????

So fucking what if the shit finally hits the fan??????

I was raised in an environment RIDDLED with guilt....and went along because - well, hee - I just didn;t know any better! Didn't (or wasn't ALLOWED to rock the fucking boat!)

But you know what - you are an adult now. It's OK to rock the boat. To let the other person get pissed off...it ain't the fucking end of the world.

Take an assertive stance and give him a piece of his own medicine by throwing a HUGE guilt trip back ON HIM!!!!!

How DARE HE worry you with his situation given the medical condion YOU ARE IN....

BACK AT HIM for being so SELFISH and INCONSIDERATE of YOUR FEELINGS!!!!!!

Maybe this is a good lesson to be learned here.

I sincerely hope and pray that all goes well with your surgery.

(((((HUGSS))))))) tBt

February 23, 2007
4:46 pm
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mj
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Take care Soprano and enjoy the weekend. Stay safe and know I care.

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