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Feeling Lost
September 15, 1999
3:17 pm
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CMS
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My story is like so many others. I have been in a controlling relationship for ten years.
I finally have the courage to leave with my daughter. The reasons that I stayed so long or even got into this in the first place is why I am feeling lost. My self respect has always been lacking. Now that I am going to be on my own I want to make sure that I don't fall back into the same situation. Being on my own could mean I may fall back. I don't know how to identify the pattern. Help

September 15, 1999
4:17 pm
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Anonymous
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Right now you are an "abusor/controller magnet" I am so glad that you are free cms! The courage that it took to do what you did is the same courage you will draw upon to prevent you from doing it again.
Do not get into a relationship with the opposite sex right now. Avoid them like the plague, even friendships. Try to keep female company and most important this precious time is for you to build your self. You wont regret this move. When you look back later, you will see that everything took place as it did for a beautiful reason, to bring to a higher and happier place. god bless you

September 15, 1999
9:20 pm
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Anonymous
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I agree tears

September 16, 1999
8:21 am
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ruya
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dear cms,
DONOT FEEL LOST! you have just gained! your life is yours to shape now. i don't know which part of the world you come from. there are so many avenues which will open. keep in touch with us and listen to tears. she will keep giving you strength. as for me, i would ask you to start a job or if you already are in one to take on some more work like some hobby you ALWAYS wanted to give time to, places you ALWAYS dreamt of visiting. i am SO HAPPY for you. i feel like flying. get back your confidence surround yourself with friends preferably ones from your schooldays. that's what is working forme. they know youand love you for what you are. take care of your daughter and enjoy everymoment with her. HAVE FUN. RULE THE WORLD. AND KEEP IN TOUCH. DONNNNNTTTTGOOOOBAAACCKKKK. yu will give all of us so much hope and strength. bye. godbless.
ruya.

September 16, 1999
11:04 am
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lost soul
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Dear CMS

I know how you feel. Since you have chosen the courage to leave with your daughter. Be strong. I suggest you get some professional help ( like conselling if you have to )They will at least provide you some ideals of how to let go.

Anyway, since we have this wonderful site. we can keep in touch and motivate each other.

Best regards
lost soul

September 16, 1999
11:30 am
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Anonymous
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Dear "lost", I would prefer to call you "found soul"
It has been said that in each life, there comes at least one moment which, if recognized and seized, transforms the ocourse of that life forever. This is one of yours! You are desiring, as are many of the people in the Codependent threads, a quiet, grounded existance. LIfe is short and you deserve a happy, fulfilling life......as do we all. god wants this for all of us, but it is up to us to make the choices(with faith) and have the courage to take the actions that will bring this life to us. LIke Ruya, she is breaking out of a terrible life of addiction and choosing each day to take another step towards sobriety. I implore you to find a form of INSPIRATION (and to Ruya, askme and others) that will nourish your soul, hold it with care in loving hands. This can be in the form of caring words from a loving friends, inspirational books, quiet time with a true friend, journal writing..whatever it takes. Do it! Stay strong in your Hope for a healthy and love filled future, we are!
Blessings

September 16, 1999
4:12 pm
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CMS
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Thank you all for giving me some words of encouragement. I am struggling with the person that I am leaving. It is so hard when they don't want to let you go and you have already left emotionally. The controlling is still there and they are trying to blame you for all the wrongs to make themself feel more powerful. I am relieved that I am not alone. That there are people that can give me strength and know that I am doing the right thing.
Thank you!!

September 17, 1999
11:31 am
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Anonymous
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If you listen to your heart, not your head, what does it say cms? This is the voice of your soul....

September 17, 1999
1:01 pm
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lost soul
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Feeling Lost

I am feeling lost too. sometime we might feel that we are doing the right thing to let go. But I believe that it is always easy said then done.

This is a very difficult moment for you.By the way, do you feel that there is any chance of reconcilation?

September 17, 1999
3:02 pm
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CMS
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Lost Soul

There is no chance of reconcilation. Many times I have dreamed of leaving this person. Then the feeling would be replaced by duty to my daughter. I thought she needed her father and mother together. The years have passed with not much love between us. I feel now that my daughter should see her mother happy. I went to counseling for two years during our time together. It was not a great experience. I felt that I was not being challenged to solve my problems. In April I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. That was when I woke up and saw that my life was passing me by without happiness. It is just the leaving that has become difficult for all of us. I know that I can't stay or I will die inside. God grant me the strength!

September 17, 1999
9:26 pm
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Anonymous
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God has already given you the strength to make the right decision. The decision is in YOUR best interests. I am so sorry to hear of your diagnosis cms, but these things happen when we are not living authentically. You can heal yourself, I believe in you. I have seen it happen and you are no exception. The first and most important thing that you need to do is heal within your spirit first, the body will follow.
Follow your purpose and dreams, laugh like you've never laughed before, dance like no one is looking.... grab life by the tail and wrap it around YOU.

September 19, 1999
9:33 am
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lost soul
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CMS
I am so sorry to hear that.Life is always so hard on certain people.(I don't mean to say that the other fortunate ones don't suffer )But too much misfortune on the same person can be very very hard.Be strong CMS, you won't know that in future you might have a better life. Some people tends to get better when they get older.The old saying goes" what that never kills you, make you a stronger person"
Bless you always!

September 23, 1999
12:21 pm
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NUSCA
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tears
I had this site in my "bookmarks" for so long. Only today I read some of your comments and suggestions and I do think you are a great person. I do agree that God makes difference in people and cannot see a person acting like you without a relationship with our Creator. This site is going to make a difference in my life, I am sure. I will keep in touch and promise to try to help too whenever I can. Love to all of you. I just created my nickname today. Hope to be in touch soon.
God bless.

September 23, 1999
7:39 pm
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Anonymous
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thankyou nusca, you are so right. It is in gods light I awoke and it is in god light I will always walk, bringing others with me. Keep the faith. blessings

September 23, 1999
9:48 pm
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psyber
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dont you worry GOD is still in control

September 25, 1999
9:36 am
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CMS
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Today I am taking a giant step. I am seeing a therapist. Although I have seen a few in the past I feel that there is hope. If I work hard I believe that I can rid myself of the pain I feel. I may be "feeling lost" but I have hope that I can be found.

September 25, 1999
1:22 pm
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Anonymous
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That is so beautiful CMS, I will pray for the best outcome, there is great hope and a wonderful future awaits you!Sometimes we need to simply choose life CMS ( I feel compelled to tell you this) It is possible to become so attached to something or someone we have lost that we move forward blindly, looking over our shoulder to the past rather than before us to what lies ahead. The bible tells us that as she looked back, Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt. I suspect that this may have happened to you CMS as it has to many of us, without our realizing we have become frozen, trapped by the past or the duty you feel to your partner... You do have a duty, to yourself, to your life and health. YOu are worth so much to the world and to god! Bless you

September 26, 1999
5:59 pm
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shasta
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I have been separated for over a month now from my husband of 11 years. He is an alcoholic and would drink whenever he went out and would come home at 6 am the next day or 3 am when he got up at 4 am for work and I knew he just was going out with his friends so he could drink. He spent a night in jail for a d.u.i. and I asked him to leave. He's been gone a month now. I think we had a codependent relationship. For about 4 years I have thought of how I could leave and be on my own but never thought I would do it. We would skate through life w/o being connected and I had felt so empty. I didn't know he was an alcoholic fully until after I asked him to leave and the next time I talked to him he told me he lived for the next time he would be able to drink and he couldn't show any emotions through life unless he was drinking. I remember the times he called me from somewhere drunk and said how much he loved me and couldn't live w/o me. He was crying..and he was always drunk. The rest of the time when he was sober we never felt "connected" to me. Now I'm alone and I am enjoying my time alone and then when I see him it hurts inside and I have a hard time talking with him about anything other than our child or his a.a. meetings. I don't know where I will be tomorrow. Right when I think I am going to stay alone then I see him and miss him and my eyes burn and my heart aches. I can't tell if it is because I love him or because we were codependent and my crutch is gone. I ask the universe for signs to show me which way to go and I do get signs..and they are different every day. How do you know if you can work it out or not? My biggest fear is to grow old and be with someone that can't talk to me and communicate and understand me and vice versa. I'm not ready to say it's over forever and I'm too hurt still to try again. I'm also afraid that if we get back together then I will lose myself. My friends tell me I'm a different person when he's around. I know it is because I had built up so many resentments towards his behavior when he drank and my embarassment for how he acted and how he didn't take care of himself, dress and grooming, I felt like he didn't think he was good enough and he had told me in the past that I would be the one to leave someday. Well, I think I left emotionally a while ago now. So why does it feel so painful when I see him for five minutes and he leaves after bringing our child back to me? I wish I knew which way I was going to go so i could move on with my life. Yet I can't seem to find the way.

September 26, 1999
6:03 pm
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shasta
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Just wanted to add that when he went out he drank but he wasn't a stumbling alcoholic that couldn't keep a job. He has a good job and he shows up for work on time, he would go out with his friends from 1-3 times a month and that is when he drank. And when I wasn't around, never when I was around because he knew I suspected he had a problem with alcohol. I thought if he wasn't passing out and drunk all the time then he wasn't an alcoholic but there is something that alcohol does to his mind that makes him choose to not do things or go places because he knows he can't drink there, whether he WOULD drink or not. So for years it seemed like our lives were on hold to me and never went anywhere and now I see it is because of how the alcholic mind works. I just didn't know. Now he isn't drinking and he is going to meetings for a.a. and he admits fear of what is to come, how he will handle social situations where he always drank. He says he knows there is more to life than a.a. meetings and work and he just has to figure out what it is w/o alcohol. I feel like he had an affair with the alcohol I guess and I feel like we wasted so many years where we just were stuck going in circles. That's part of my fear for trying again.

September 26, 1999
11:48 pm
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Dear shasta...you are right where i am. Only my husband can't or won't admit that it's the drinking that tore us up. He won't get help. He says drinking is just what I focus on...of cousre I focus on it. He would drive drunk and have my son in the car. Drunks come in many forms. They drink to drown out what ever it is inside that they can not face. AA meetings are great but I believe they need more than that. Maybe the two of you can get counseling. Go slow...if he is really serious about not drinking anymore then this is a big step for him. The fear you feal is reasonable. Because it's hard not to expect the old behavior to come back. When I see my husband (i asked him to leave four weeksa ago) my heart leaps. I still love him so much. But i just can't take the bull....that comes with him. I too like being alone at times but believe me...there are many times i wish i was wrapped up in his arms. I miss him. And I have to be strong and get through those feellings. Alcohol is the other women and she is so hard to compete with. For me I am trying to finally find out who I really am. Maybe it's time for you to come to know yourself too. Without having to worry about what your mate is doing all the time. I love this site...it has given me so much strength and hope that one day i will look back and see how far i've come. I can't wait. Everyone is so nice and uplifting. What a change in a world that is so condemming. Welcome.

October 4, 1999
5:32 pm
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CMS
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For anyone who is out there to listen......I had the worst few days of my life. I moved from where I was living with my boyfriend (father of my daughter)to a place of my own with my daughter. It did not go very well. When I decided to leave I started to see someone else. I felt compelled to lie about what I was doing because I wanted to keep my old life separate from the new one I was planning. Then my boyfriend found that I was keeping things from him. He became so angry with me
that he started to destroy the house we have shared for the past year. He did this in front of our child but she seemed so calm during all this. I tried to not talk about anything with him. I just wanted to get my things and move out. He would not let me do that because he wanted answers from me about the other person and what I had been doing. It is so difficult to talk to him now he feels that he should hate me but said he could not.
I don't know how separations go but I think we should be nice to one another for my daughters sake. I think he wants to forgive me because he can't let go. I chose to separate so we could go about our lives without anymore arguments. How can I make him understand that we can't be friends right now that so much has happened?

October 4, 1999
6:10 pm
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CMS,
I wouldn't advise seeing anyone at this point. I fear that you would end up right back where you were. You should try to take the time to get yourself together and also for the sake of your daughter.
I do also understand how your bf would feel. Lies and cover ups get you no where. How would you feel if you clearly did not understand a situation and you knew someone could tell you the truth, but they wouldn't. He deserves the truth as much as you do. Therefore he can decide how he wants to deal with it, and maybe he would seek counseling to help. Who knows?
You should also consider honesty the best policy. If you want to carry a respectful relationship with him, after all he is the father of your daughter. I would speak to your therapist about this and how you can approach talking to him in a civil manner. Together or seperated...you both need to get yourselves together for the sake of your daughter.
Just one more thing you should consider about your new relationship. How is your daughter going to feel and begin to understand your actions, after leaving her daddy behind. Your going to have to be very careful of your actions so as to help your daughter handle her new surroundings and situation. I would suggest that if your going to see this new person, that you don't do it in front of her or bring him over until time has passed and she is able to deal with this in a healthy manner.

October 5, 1999
9:26 am
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CMS
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daizy

The advice that you have given me is about the best I have received so far. It has only been two days since I moved. I think sometimes that I expect too much in a short time. I don't want to lie to him anymore. It has become such a habit that I find myself not being able to stop. I feel that we should distance ourselves so I can work on this problem. Thank you daizy for not judging me and giving me some great advice.

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