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feeling lost & alone
October 7, 2006
7:35 pm
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camino
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StronginHim77
I can rationaly understand the "irational" need that he has of me and my love but after 33 years, it feels almost normal. I have faulted myself so long... It has become more difficult for the last years because I have beime very succesful in my professional life. I think that I have reached the point where I want out but still feel guilty and lost.

October 9, 2006
10:26 am
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destined2balone
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Strong-what are some of the other symptoms of borderline personality disorder? It almost sounds like me-I have an intense fear of abandonment-every time a relationship ends, I am totally devastated & suicidal. I have to have constant reassurance of that persons feelings for me. However, I am not so consumed that I don't meet the other persons needs. I always figured it was low self-esteem & that is what the Dr says too. I have had an ex say that she felt no matter what she did, I would never be happy, that is was never enough. Could it be that I also suffer from this? WOW...

CJ-I don't have trouble sharing my thoughts, emotions or feelings at all. When I am close to someone, I willingly open up. I tell them about me being sexually abused, and other intimate, personal stuff. That isn't my issue at all. My issue seems to be more an issue of trust & self esteem. I have been hurt & lied to so much that I automatically assume it will happen again. I don't believe that someone would or could love me enough to respect me & not lie or cheat. I also know I tend to settle for women that aren't right for me. A friend & her girlfriend made me finally admit that "T" isn't right for me. Her girlfriend is a psych nurse. I have to admit that I can't deal with the fact that she doesn't french kiss, she doesn't handle stress well at all & emotionally she is like a guy. That is not what I want. I have been emailing this other woman who has pretty much identical values that I do & we are both looking for the same thing. We have the same ideas about love, relationships, committment, fidelity, communication & honesty. And she french kisses! I really wnat to take my time & get to know her better. I finally got brave and sent her my phone number last night. She lives a little bit further away than I would like but anything worth having, is worth working for. I actually had met her a year ago. I thought she was very sweet then but I was with my ex then. I told her about "T" & she told me she is dating someone long distance but she doesn't feel a connection and if we end up dating, she would probably break it off totally with the other one. I told her I appreciate her honesty.
So, the more I think about "T" not wanting to date me right now while I am in the midst of changing meds, the more mad I get. I am starting to see things in her that aren't very stable so she has alot of nerve to stop dating me because my behavior or emotions are running a little high right now. That really ticks me off. I just need to remain friends with her & if she decides she wants to date me again, I will just tell her no. I feel like she abandoned me when I needed her the most anyway.

Camino-I congratulate you on finally getting out of a bad situation. I can't even imagine how hard it was for you to do that. You are stronger than you know!

October 10, 2006
8:35 am
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camino
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stronginhim77 and destined2balone, thanks for your words. Yesterday we had a very long conversation about how much we love each other but he cnnot leave without what I don't give him, which is so difuse... he is just unhappy and I know that there is no way of making him happy. We have a beautiful family, a grandson and everybody who knows us thinks that we are the"golden couple." But he has never been happy. He says I only give him 98%. When we went to bed last night, being there so close to him, was devastating, how am I going to go through what I know is the right thing to do? I cannot leave trying to make somebody happy, somebody whose happiness has nothing to do with me. ANybody has a word of wisdom that can help me out of this pain?

October 10, 2006
9:20 am
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taj64
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Destined to be Alone2,

A lot of your descriptions sound like codependency more than anything. Type in CODA and find the meetings and information. I read some stories that were amazing.

Im in my own lost world right now. I had contact with my ex recently, no direct communication but I did shoot off more of my old drama. Im very much reeling from this. I have never felt so alone even though my kids have been around. I wish I had not seen him. It makes me see that Im not doing the work that needs to be done to heal. I;ve been coming on here hearing sad tales but isolating myself to the world. Im not happy anymore. Im tired of seaking answer that never come. Im not going to get answer by sitting on my tail crying and moping Im going to try out a CODA meeting for the first time to see if that is a start for me. My family is not one I could count on and I have few friend if any that I can call. The only way out is to ask for help. Im highly codependent. Im worthy of love but don't feel it. I need help more than ever. I think you should not try to label yourself so much. It soudns like you are trying to hard to have relationships with people who are unavailable to meet your needs. To me it appears that you just suffer from low self esteem. I know this is my problem for sure. Each time I make contact with the ex, my self esteem plummets. I have cut the ties even if I have said that many times. But this time, I sent the last email which was quite brutally honest and Im really not even sure if I attacekd him but I told him that I could no longer have any contact, period. It is not the relationship Im trying to recover from but the thoughts of him and the hurt he caused that Im trying to get over. It has been almost impossible. I;ve been passive and not acting on helping my codependency. I want to be successful like many people on the site. I have been living but feel just existing. Im making attempts to allow different people in my life. Im going to go to a CODA meeting even though it scares the pants off me. Im going to go to church even if that scares me too. I have isolated myself so much that is it is scary to go beyond what I have been doing for 3 years. Well enough about me, I think when I went over the list of codependent behaviors I found on the CODA site, I have probably all of them. Feeling abandoned is on the list. Seek information but don't label yourself.

October 27, 2006
10:16 am
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destined2balone
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I finally did it-I cut off all communication with "T". I realized that she was leading me on & never had any intentions of having a relationship with me. She was playing me and she is very selfish. She didn't take it well & lashed out verbally but I expected it. It is over & done with. I am into my 4th week of group & was finally allowed to share. I think it will help. I am dating someone new and things are progressing slowly, which is good. I am trying very hard not to have the same behaviors with her that I did with "T". I have already done a few things and a few times I have caught myself & made myself stop but it is a constant struggle. She is very busy with her job & work til 8 at night. She then goes home to a hyper dog. I am not getting the amount of attention I would like or that I got the first week. I am taking this to mean she isn't as interested or her feelings changed but I know that it is my insecurities talking. She is a very sweet person & we did agree that if something changes as far as our feelings go or wanting to date that we will be up front & honest. She just told me on Sunday that she really likes me and that I am a "special lady". I have to learn to trust that and not freak out cuz she isn't texting me or emailing me. I have alot of free time at work & can email & text all day long. I have to realize not everyone has that luxury. My attitude is she should be thinking about me & wanting to contact me after work & she isn't as much as I think she should so I equate that with disinterest. She told me last night she is a bit stressed and has company coming in for a short visit & has to do things to get ready for that. It is a constant battle in my head to convince myself everything is ok. I don't want to push her away like I did with "T". I am trying to leave her alone and let her contact me when it is convenient for her instead of me emailing her or texting her & then getting upset when I don't get a response or get one in a timely fashion. I am also trying to meet some others so I don't totally focus on her.

October 27, 2006
10:24 am
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penny lane
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Dear Destined2bealone..

I hear and feel every word you have written about your mind talk and feelings about this new friend...as my friends tell me...back off and stay grounded in your own life..give this woman plenty of room...could it be that you are looking for anyone to replace "T" and soothe your mind and feelings short term? Dont use someone else to help heal the ended relationship...do this on your own...I know you can do it...keep busy with other things...start a health regiment..get out of your regular schedule...contact friends and make arrangements...

October 27, 2006
10:27 am
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needtoheal
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read the NO CONTACT thread.... this may help .... we are all going through the same feelings

be strong and work on YOURSELF

October 27, 2006
11:57 am
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taj64
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Hi. Im glad you are better. But I feel you are jumping from one person to the next. YOu are setting up for more disappointment because you are not taking the time to know yourself, what you want, what you need. You don't know yourself. You are relying on your next date or relationship for you to find happiness. Why are you not taking the time to be alone and learned to like being alone before you find a meaningful relationship. Take the focus off what others are thinking about you. and what will please them, what their next move will be. Start focusing on yourself. Learn to love yourself first. Your emotions are still running wild as if you are desperate for love. You are bound to be disappointed and setting yourself up for more disappointment. Get strong within yourself first.

October 27, 2006
12:41 pm
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cyndra820
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Destined,

Please give yourself time to heal from your last relationship before jumping into a new one.

The fact that you are still doing things that you did in your last relationship and your insecurity is a telling sign you have not healed from it.

Do you think it fair to go into a relationship with another person when you haven't healed?

Being alone is a good thing. It lets you sort out what's going on in your head without interference from anyone else, or interfering in someone else's life. I think you need to be alone for a while. Being alone is not the same as being lonely.

I know it's hard, but I think it would be best for you and this new woman you've met if you backed off NOW. I know it may not be what you want, but you have to do the right thing. Heal first and then persue a relationship with someone.

Love,
Cyndra

October 27, 2006
1:49 pm
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needtoheal
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I can agree with everyone above...

do not get into another relationship...

it will be like a crutch

let yourself heal

take time for yourself

and you are never alone

you have friends here that can

support you

October 27, 2006
2:52 pm
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Anonymous
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Hello-
I'm brand new to this site. I'm in a very difficult situation and need some support. I was engaged and my fiance' and I were having problems so one day I came home to see he moved out and left me a typed note with his keys. He had me convinced he left me because he knew I wasn't happy. Well I had a miscarriage 1 1/2 month before the split and was having a problem with depression and anxiety over the demise of our relationship. We were apart for 3 weeks and after e-mailing back and forth me begging for forgiveness and him trying to convince me that he wasn't the one for me. Once I finally accepted that and said well okay then he turned the tables and said maybe we should get together to talk. We did and got back together immediately. Well during our split I found out he slept with someone else, was calling 2 girls so obviously he wasn't that upset, me on the otherhand I was barely functioning. I've been very resentful for him leaving me the way he did, anytime I don't act like Mary Sunshine, he gets all insecure and thinks I don't want to be with him, then he shells up and shuts me out. I try to communicate my feelings to him which usually turns into a 3 hr discussion every other night because he yells, gets frustrated, says he dosen't know how to make me happy, maybe we would be happier apart, and then goes to bed, while I stay up all night upset, go to work exhausted and I have a daughter that I have no energy for because I'm consumed with this relationship. I'm so scared he's going to leave again, and I'm scared that he sees that I'm needy and insecure and takes advantage of that. None of my friends or family like him and is constantly putting their opinions on how I should leave the relationship. I would really appreciate any kind of advice with this!

October 27, 2006
3:13 pm
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Newhorizons
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hey feeling lost and lonely!! Well I'm probably going to give a little different advise then you have received. I feel you are in touch with what with wrong with your previous relationship and are aware of the problems. You are working on changing of behavior. A relationship with this lady is probably the best one you can be in because she is not codependent and is confident in herself. You can learn from her and she can help you develope as a normal functioning person but your going to have to work on that insecurity...most of us develop bad relationship skills though being with someone dysfunctional or by mean of a dysfunctional family. Just remember this lady is exactly the person you need in your life right NOW.

Hope this helps.

October 27, 2006
7:40 pm
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taj64
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Dear Scare and Confused, It is hard what you are going through. Your family doesn't like him because he is not treating you very well. They are voicing their opinion because they can see what you may or may not be able to see for yourself. Healthy relationships are not consuming. The only person that is responsible for you being happy is yourself. You are making yourself miserable by staying in a relationship with a man who clearly cannot communicate. He shuts down because he does not want to deal with it. Im so sorry you are going through this. I would take a look at this and ask if this relationship is worth all the pain that you are going through. He does not appear to be there for you in any way. It is difficult to go through a breakup, heartwrenching even, but in the long run, you end up healing, getting stronger for yourself and appreciate yourself and your good qualities and then possibly finding a better love. As it stands now, you will end up going in circles and circle of the same. There is a high probability he will cheat again. He is not ready for commitment.

October 27, 2006
7:45 pm
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cyndra820
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New Horizons,

Your advice is different from most of what's been written. I have a question: How is it fair to BOTH people involved?

Any healthy relationship has to be fair to both parties to begin with. If Destined tells this new person that she is codependent, has just come out of an unsuccessful relationship and gives the reasons it was unsuccessful that would be fair. Then the other party has been made fully aware of the issues and can stay or leave based on complete information.

Love,
Cyndra

October 27, 2006
8:15 pm
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taj64
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yes it is not fair, I agree with Cyndra. How many times in life does a person imediately go out right after a hard breakup and find someone right away only to break up with that other person because they were not ready or they decided that they were not over the previous relationship especially since the other person could develop feelings. It really is not fair to want to replace someone so quickly when one is not healed properly. Rebound relationships rarely work out.

October 27, 2006
10:36 pm
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cyndra820
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Taj,

Wow!! You agreed with me!!! LOL

Destined,

Taj is right, rebound relationships rarely work out. We go into them trying to hear and we have steamer trunks full of stuff we take with us from our previous relationship. Not good. Not fair.

October 30, 2006
10:37 am
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destined2balone
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Hey all-

Well-it looks as if my "insecurities" about this person were right to begin with-she dumped me via email on Friday. She says that she is very private about her life & lifestyle & i am not. I am very out & open about it, have rainbow stickers on my car, etc. She sees no need for that. Plus, she wants to see where her relationship with this other person will go. That confused me as she ahd just told me the week before that there was something missing with this person, she didn't see it going anywhere, the woman was 13 years younger than her & that bothered her & it was a long distance relationship. I was blown away. She said she had been thinking all week about it. I got angry & hurt as she kept telling me how important it was to her that we talk about our feelings & yet she never let on to me that she was having second thoughts. I instinctively knew something was up but she kept saying she was tired from work, etc. Luckily, I didn't have any feelings or emotions invested in her yet but rejection still hurts. I was hurt that she didn't respect me enough to tell me at least over the phone. I met soemone else Saturday night who insists that she has to know someone really well as a friend before she can even kiss. She said she would like to "date" me. She has alot going on & it is actually better that we won't have a ton of time together as it will allow us to work on the quality not the quanity. I told her that I have been hurt twice in a very short period of time so I am very gunshy right now. I can't believe anything anyone tells me. Believe it or not, my psychiatrist wants me to date but he wants me to date more than one at a time. There has been another woman I have been emailing for over 3 months now and we have talked on the phone but she lives about 2 hours away. We are hoping to finally meet next weekend. I finally told myself I am giving it until the end of Nov as far as my ads on the dating sites & then I am taking them down. If I haven't met someone by that point, I am giving it up. I can't keep putting my heart out there to get stomped all over. I am a good person with alot to offer and even though I have some issues, I recognize them & I am trying to work on them. No one is perfect. At that point, I will decide whether life is still worth living alone.

October 30, 2006
5:06 pm
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taj64
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Hi. Are you sure your therapists is telling you to date? Because the way I see it, you are getting angry and upset with a girl who "broke up" with you that you just starting dating a week or two ago. Im not sure I am understanding. What constitutes breaking up if it was only a week or two? I do not believe a relationship is a relationship so quickly as you described them to be. It is too high of expectations. Your putting your heart out way too much expecting too much. Dating is about learning about a person first. What is the rush for you to be committed so early on? Rejection isn't so bad if you were not feeling so desperate. It looks to me there is a big draw for you to be come emotionally attached and too much information traded about a person in the beginng. Dating is a time to get to know someone but it does not have to be done all at once. Slow down is my best advice. Take dating lightly and don't put too much in how you feel or how she feels. Start off as a nice friendship.

October 31, 2006
10:09 am
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destined2balone
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Taj-

It is funny you said "Start off as a nice friendship." The new woman says the same thing. She looks at it as just a friendship and then sees what grows from there. She said I need to stop seeing each new person as a "potential" mate. I do believe she has the right attitude. She even said it is confusing cuz do you call it "dating" or just friendship. No, me & the other person weren't in a relationship. We were dating to see if there was the potential for anything more. Apparently, she saw me being out as an obstacle. I was hurt only becuase she didn't talk to me about any of what she was feeling. I went that whole week thinking everything was ok and here she was thinking it wasn't going well. For someone who stressed communication...she sure didn't communicate. So, when I say break up, I just mean she doesn't want to see me anymore. I don't deal with rejection well so yes, it hurt my feelings. As a friend of mine told me...not everyone you meet will be interested in you or vice versa. I understand that. I have met many women I am not even remotely interested in for one reason or another. My Dr made it very clear that he feels dating or being in a relationship while going through this therapy is a good thing. A friend of mine sees the same Dr & she told me she disagrees with him on that point. I just want to love & be loved & I want to be able to enjoy it while I am still fairly young.

October 31, 2006
10:22 am
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cyndra820
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Destined,

I don't agree with your therapist either. Most therpists recommend that you heal yourself before you journey into a relationship. It sounds like he's telling you that being in a relationship is the only way for you to heal which, in my opinion, is nonsense.

You have to figure out what it is your looking for and what you have to offer another person. You need to know why rejection hurts you ALL the time. It shouldn't hurt you when you have only been seeing someone a few weeks. During that time you are getting to know each other and sometimes it just doesn't "click" for the other person.

I don't think being in a relationship or dating multiple people is healthy for you right now. You have too much going on and you need to sort that out first. That's just my humble opinion.

Take care,
Cyndra

October 31, 2006
12:22 pm
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taj64
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I'm no expert but I have gut feeling this therapist is not looking for your best interest. I'd be careful not to look for more problems. Dating when you appear to be needy, and we know you are needy, there is no hiding that, that you need to love yourself before you have a relationship. Dating is indeed the process to find a mate. Who are we kidding? There are some casual daters but people with codependency or love addictions are not people that can casually date. You need to be very comfortable with yourself first. I don't see that with any of your posts. I am currently reading a book called Facing Love addiction by Mia Pellody. It just came in the mail yesterday. I have just started reading it and believe me I could cry myself a thousand rivers becuase that book was a very harsh reality for me to read. But it did open my eyes. I am that person in the book. Being a love addict, you do end up attracting people that are just the opposite, that are avoidants. It is very destructive to be always seeking love with people that do not truly love you. Until you come to terms with your problems with relationships, you will continually meet the same person over and over, people that will reject you, even if you do have wonderful qualities which we know you do. Avoidants always end up getting out becuase of the neediness. You do not need a relationship. You do need to develop one with yourself. Quit trying to "find that someone" because it won't happen and won't fix your problems. Having someone love you is not going to fix you. If you read any book, read the one I mentioned. What you are doing now is self defeating, self destructive and in no way does this doctor make sense in telling you to date around.

November 1, 2006
8:16 am
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destined2balone
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Cyndra & Taj-

You are both so right. I am slowly starting to see things. It has taken me quite awhile but it is slowly happening. The one woman I met the other night has made it clear she doesn't like needy people. When she said that, I thought "uh-oh, I am so in trouble", lol. It is also getting to the point that I am tired of the whole "getting to know you" routine. I'm tired of telling people about myself & asking them questions. I'm just plain tired. With work, school, being on the phone all the time, texting, emailing, meeting new people...I haven't had any time to myself. I think I will get a copy of that book Taj. Thanks for mentioning it.

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